Humor Thread

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called therapy.

Wrong Email Address

The Gallaghers, a couple from Minneapolis, decided to go to Florida during the icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Both husband and wife had hectic schedules and it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. The husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday while his wife planned to fly down the day after.

Mr. Gallagher checked into the hotel and decided to send an email to his wife. But in typing he accidentally left out one letter in her email address. Without realizing his error, he sent the email.Meanwhile, in Houston, the widow Gallager returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister of many years, called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 5, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. It’s amazing—they have computers here now and you can send emails to loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Love,
Harry

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Interesting science


It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles just to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers.'
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'
'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they?

Underwear Dust!

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should
I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the
leg."
In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice
for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with
the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his last son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

Embarrassing Revenge
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?“

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won‘t sleep with you tonight!“

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I‘m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I‘m a journalist and I‘ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.“

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean two hundred dollars?!!!“

The Magic Water Slide
Three guys are at the top of a huge water slide when they notice a genie. He says to them, "Since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish. When you are going down the slide, simply shout what you want and it will appear at the bottom when you get there."

So the first guy goes down and shouts, "A billion dollars," and he lands in a pile of money.

The second guy goes down the slide and shouts, "Beautiful women," and he arrives to a line of hot models.

Then the third guy is so excited going down the slide that he shouts, "WEEEEEEEEE!"

Philosophy of a Lazy Wife
I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous

I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!

I don't put things away because ... My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!

REMEMBER . . . .

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.



Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'



Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.



'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.



I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'



Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'



He's still alive, and maybe with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. However, he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw for a very long time to come.



Stupid, stupid man.

Lottery A redneck wins the lottery and goes to Austin to claim his winnings. The man behind the counter verifies the redneck's ticket number and the redneck says, "I want my $20 million. Where is it?!?!?!" The man behind the counter replies, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The redneck says, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

When you're from 'the country',....You look at things a little different....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy opened the door.

"Is yer dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "is yer mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town... with dad."

"How about your brother, Howard?..... Is he here?"

"He done went too.... with mom and dad."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?"

the boy asked politely.

"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take message fer pa."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably,....

......"I really wanted to talk to yer dad.

It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Whul," the boy said after considering that for a moment,

"you would have to talk to pa about that. But,.....

.....if it helps you any,.....

..... I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog,......

......... but I have no idea how much he gets fer Howard."

The perfect husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A short history of medicine
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Microsoft tech drafted
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"

Think Before You Act
A man walks up to a woman sitting alone at a bar.

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it. I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner. I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and develop this intense sex life, that is truly incredible. Decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together.

Then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids. Now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you. Now you're stressed and stop taking good care of yourself. So to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so). We have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. So, for God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going. What do ya say?

Ladies vs. Real Women

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip!.....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??

16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should be Served at Work
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\___
| _________________ l || __||)
(@(@)""""""""**(@) (@)**(@)

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

Take another beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!!

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\___
| __________________l || __||)
(@(@)""""""***(@)(@) (@)**(@)

Broken Hearted Marine
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just to great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. I n addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

The Clinton Era
After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from Aides.

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."


The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned, "Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"

Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Knowledge Learned From Your Kids
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing Clorox and brake fluid.

Whores and Taxes
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. " He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

Subject: WOMAN'S VS MAN'S PRAYER
Woman's prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.

Man's prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen

Gotta Pee
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your urse because your lipstick is hanging out."