My daugther, breaks my heart sometimes.

Yesterday, She said to me,

"Mom, did I ever tell you that around puberty I used to cry because I didn't want to grow boobs?"

"No, you never told me that. So, do you not feel like you are a girl inside?"

"Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think I'm something that isn't male or female."

What was I supposed to say?

start with "I love you" and go from there

Ks_man said:

start with "I love you" and go from there

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Great idea.

Ks is exactly right.

Let her know that you love her for being a great kid, for being who she is, not for what gender she was born or perceives herself to be. She's just...her. And as long as she strives to be the best person she can be, that's all that matters.

I'd find out what she means in more detail..

A lot of the time I don't feel a gender role, especially when I'm just by myself. I'm just a person then and don't assign a value to my thoughts and feelings that is based on sexuality.

Maybe your daughter is just at heart a philosopher and is thinking far and above these issues that lots of people get hung up on.

Omg. I am at a loss for words, and advice. I hope it all works out though

Betticus said:

A lot of the time I don't feel a gender role, especially when I'm just by myself. I'm just a person then and don't assign a value to my thoughts and feelings that is based on sexuality.

Maybe your daughter is just at heart a philosopher and is thinking far and above these issues that lots of people get hung up on.

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I'll second that. People are people. Gender only exists in relation to other people, so when there are no other people around there's not much reason to feel masculine or feminine.

It's also pretty normal to resent the physical changes of puberty or fear that your changing body could force you into a role you don't like.

Great advice from Betticus and Ks.

Isn't gender identity disorder kind of rare amongst genetic females? I'm in no position to give advice on the matter, but a girl not wanting to grow breast seems like GID to me.

Shywong said:

Isn't gender identity disorder kind of rare amongst genetic females? I'm in no position to give advice on the matter, but a girl not wanting to grow breast seems like GID to me.

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To my knowledge it is pretty equally common. Men might be slightly more commonly diagnosed but I wouldn't say it's rare in women at all.

As for whether it's GID, teenage anxieties, or just being philosophical, who knows? I expect FF will find our more and perhaps she'll share.

coming from someone just out of puberty...

Hey, saw this, and it really did a squeeze on my heart.

PM if you'd want to talk about this.

Let me say i was scared when my breasts started coming in. My nipples were overly sensitive and i didn't understand why. Some days they would really, really hurt. I remember I had this shirt with 3 thin plastic like, slightly raised, cartoonish flowers on the front of it when I was about 9. The way they were sewn on, and the frequency of me wearing that shirt, really REALLY irritated my nipples. It was embarrassing. I was confused. I had no clue what was going on with my body. I just wanted to keep wearing the shirt that I liked.

Needless to say, it could be something less extreme than GID.

and...

I didn't truly understand what the anatomical differences were between women and men were until i was about 8 or 9. I knew I had a vagina. I knew pee came out from down there. I knew boys had something "hanging" but didn't really know or care what that something was at that time.

I used to ask my mom if women ever had penises. This really freaked her out. Mostly because I kept insisting for a yes or no answer for ALL of my "identity" questions.

I don't know what stemmed the first conversation about sexuality for me. My mom says she blocked most of my childhood out. I was very difficult in her eyes. Really outspoken. Always getting into other people's business (like now, lol).

PaperAutumn said:

Ks is exactly right.

Let her know that you love her for being a great kid, for being who she is, not for what gender she was born or perceives herself to be. She's just...her. And as long as she strives to be the best person she can be, that's all that matters.

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She does know that. I've been nothing if not accepting with her from the beginning.

She sometimes dressed in my Dad's old clothes which fit her quite well and I believe tries to see if she can look like a dude.

This month I'm taking her to a Drag King show because I know she'll love it.

I've been totally cool with her being bi and then simply lesbian but I thought she was happy with her body. This is what breaks my heart.

Also, as a mom, I had a girl and I'd like her to look like a girl. Isn't that mean and selfish? I don't mind her cross dressing for fun or even if she had a job in a show but if she wanted to go to the mall like that, yeah, that would bother me.

I do let her buy men's clothing, glasses and such. Sometimes I do too. I've personally often thought that I was more male minded than most females.

One thing my girl knows is that she is accepted and loved no matter what. It doesn't hurt to say it more often and give her more hugs if she'll accept them though.

Also yesterday she was crying that she didn't want a uterus. She's on her period. I can relate to that to a certain extent. Unless it means more.

I've found that if I take things slow and let her talk with me when and how, she wants to, things work out best.

Betticus said:

I'd find out what she means in more detail..

A lot of the time I don't feel a gender role, especially when I'm just by myself. I'm just a person then and don't assign a value to my thoughts and feelings that is based on sexuality.

Maybe your daughter is just at heart a philosopher and is thinking far and above these issues that lots of people get hung up on.

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Well she is certainly a philosopher at heart. She has always thought more deeply than age appropriate. She has too much intelligence but her wisdom isn't always as finely developed.

We will be talking more. Thanks Betticus. You are so right, I don't assign a gender role to myself a lot of times either.

sunandshadow said:

I'll second that. People are people. Gender only exists in relation to other people, so when there are no other people around there's not much reason to feel masculine or feminine.

It's also pretty normal to resent the physical changes of puberty or fear that your changing body could force you into a role you don't like.

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Great points! Thank you.

Etoile said:

To my knowledge it is pretty equally common. Men might be slightly more commonly diagnosed but I wouldn't say it's rare in women at all.

As for whether it's GID, teenage anxieties, or just being philosophical, who knows? I expect FF will find our more and perhaps she'll share.

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I'm sure more will come out in due time. I'll share, don't I always.

This child is quite a challenge and always has been. First her attacks from tiny, tiny on me.

Then her burning.

Now this.

we_reach_for_stars said:

Hey, saw this, and it really did a squeeze on my heart.

PM if you'd want to talk about this.

Let me say i was scared when my breasts started coming in. My nipples were overly sensitive and i didn't understand why. Some days they would really, really hurt. I remember I had this shirt with 3 thin plastic like, slightly raised, cartoonish flowers on the front of it when I was about 9. The way they were sewn on, and the frequency of me wearing that shirt, really REALLY irritated my nipples. It was embarrassing. I was confused. I had no clue what was going on with my body. I just wanted to keep wearing the shirt that I liked.

Needless to say, it could be something less extreme than GID.

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I just want her to be happy. I thought she was very happy with her body and maybe she is. After all she was talking about when she went through puberty. Now she is 18 and old enough to be here!

we_reach_for_stars said:

I didn't truly understand what the anatomical differences were between women and men were until i was about 8 or 9. I knew I had a vagina. I knew pee came out from down there. I knew boys had something "hanging" but didn't really know or care what that something was at that time.

I used to ask my mom if women ever had penises. This really freaked her out. Mostly because I kept insisting for a yes or no answer for ALL of my "identity" questions.

I don't know what stemmed the first conversation about sexuality for me. My mom says she blocked most of my childhood out. I was very difficult in her eyes. Really outspoken. Always getting into other people's business (like now, lol).

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LOL!

My son was like that. I remember him taking a bath with his sister.

"Hey! What happened to yours?"

Or when he wanted to know, (very loudly) "just how daddy got his piece of me into you?"

Or when he was telling me, (very loudly again), how scared he was inside my womb.

FurryFury said:

I just want her to be happy. I thought she was very happy with her body and maybe she is. After all she was talking about when she went through puberty. Now she is 18 and old enough to be here!

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OMGosh, she's going to find lit! She's going to then find the bdsm section and start chatting with some dastardly rogue like DVS or even that total rascal betticus. The horror!!!!

Beyond being there as a mother...

I honestly think its time that you evolve into being her friend as well. My mother still hasn't gotten the hang of it, and it hurts (I'm 20 btw).

If she comes storming in the door and says leave me the fuck alone.... well... let her chill for a bit but write her a sweet note and slip it under the door. Lure her out by baking the really fast baking cookies that come in snap off squares... keep them in the freezer and always keep one pack thawed out in the fridge for the hard days when you need them NOW...

I'm sure this period will be really hard, super frustrating, and make you both want to scratch eyes out--but you need to see it as a chance to learn about her, and let her learn about you if she wants to.

I suggest all the above because obviously she is at least fairly open to you about it which shows that you two have a bond to build off of which is awesome. This means that she will be less likely to block you out if times do get rougher for her. Hang in there for the years ahead.

Dude, don't scare her!

Betticus said:

OMGosh, she's going to find lit! She's going to then find the bdsm section and start chatting with some dastardly rogue like DVS or even that total rascal betticus. The horror!!!!

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lol. follow some of my threads! I'm two years this girl's senior and I am fine, k? You might think otherwise, but whatever. haha.

And, let me add, that I am a closet bisexual in the real world. Well, to MOST at least. Nothing wrong with BDSM either. Us kids grow up. We like what we like. We want what we want. We are hard headed until we realize being able to pay the bills every month and put food on the table are priority, then we see the light, get a job, settle down.... ok, so not even close to the light. Still in a swampy darkness where I plan on lurking quite happily til I'm done with college at least. lol.

Yep, cooking is something that brings her out of her cave for sure.

I think, that I'm her best friend right now. I know that won't last but I think it's true for now.

We talked about today. She said that she is fairly happy and doesn't think she has a real problem being a female at all. Sometimes she says, she just has to get away from all things female and sometimes from all things male.

At this point I'm feeling like this is a philosophical and/or sensitivity issue. Wherever she is getting all the female input it isn't me. I'm just not much of a girly girl.

Now the overload of maleness, yep, I can see where she is getting that at time. LOL.

Anyway, I'm in a better place now because we've talked.

Thanks to all for their helpful insights and comments.

we_reach_for_stars said:

I honestly think its time that you evolve into being her friend as well. My mother still hasn't gotten the hang of it, and it hurts (I'm 20 btw).

If she comes storming in the door and says leave me the fuck alone.... well... let her chill for a bit but write her a sweet note and slip it under the door. Lure her out by baking the really fast baking cookies that come in snap off squares... keep them in the freezer and always keep one pack thawed out in the fridge for the hard days when you need them NOW...

I'm sure this period will be really hard, super frustrating, and make you both want to scratch eyes out--but you need to see it as a chance to learn about her, and let her learn about you if she wants to.

I suggest all the above because obviously she is at least fairly open to you about it which shows that you two have a bond to build off of which is awesome. This means that she will be less likely to block you out if times do get rougher for her. Hang in there for the years ahead.

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I seriously think puberty and adolecsence are, in fact, cirlces in Dantes's Hell.

I never cried because I didn't want to grow boobs, but I remember not wanting to grow them, that's for sure! And if anything it was because of my peers. The boys relentlessly teased and harrassed any girl (and the odd fat boy) who looked like they had "some", and the girls were just plain vicious to everyone and each other when it came to anything body related.

In my teens, I dressed in my father's shirts as protection and as a place to hide. In essence, I became "like one of the dudes". And I was okay with this... for the most part. It was how I "got away" from being a gender, any gender, and was just me.

Sadly, I didn't have the communication relationship with my parents that you have with your daughter, so the world was a rather lonely place for me at that time. That's a bond to treasure, and to never let die, because we all need someone who we can talk to and know that, whatever we say, we are still loved uncondionally by the listener. I hope that I can be that person when it is my son is old enough to talk (he has to learn how to talk beyond "mama" and "dada" first though ).

As parents, we tend to make up meanings for what our children say, in order to understand why they said it. We can't help it- as humans we're the best meaning- making machines in the world, and as parents we want what is best for our children, and when they indicate that something is even the slightest bit out of harmony, we automatically try to find a way to fix immediately. Sometimes things don't need fixing, they just need growth and understanding... and time.

That was a GREAT post, Terra_Cide.

Thank you!

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