My story: Cum on Robyn

Feedback please.

Thank you for reading.

http://www.literotica.com/s/cum-on-robyn

Sorry, I'm not a writer so I don't have any constructive criticism, but I loved this story. The quality of the writing is great, and it introduced me to a new niche of stories to read!

Hi Robyn, here is your genuine pain in the ass back to bother you. Just a few suggestions: Very many of your sentences begin, "I. . . and. . ." eg. "I paused and threw. . ." "I panted and said. . ." I grinned at him and said. . . "he rolled his eyes and told me. . . ", etc. Now once you actually start the action, this tendency goes away, so that tells me that it is on the development and lead-in that you are less confidant. Trying changing some or all of the "I . ..and..:" to "Pausing, I threw. . ." Rolling his eyes, he said to me" A grin spreading across my face, I said, . .."
I love Robyn, she is such a cum slut, a woman after my own hard, er, I mean heart.

You might want to do a find and replace for "and" for the whole story (you will be astonished how many there are.) Leave those that are properly used such as "bread, butter and jam, but be ruthless with the rest. I always do this when second reading my own work and get rid of all those clumsy "ands" they are like tiny stumbling blocks in my narrative.

Well, I haven't finished yet, but I want to applaud you for your proper use of the word "taut," rather than the egregiously incorrect and prolifically misused, "taught."

On your "Get a good look" paragraph toward the beginning, the next to last sentence is punctuated oddly. A dash/hyphen isn't really proper punctuation for ending a sentence. I think you'd have been better off with an ellipsis and joining the last sentence to it, without the capitalization, since it's really a continuation of the same thought.

"I knew Keith well..." paragraph. I may be wrong on this, but I think the second sentence should read, "I was anxious at his being there..." I know people speak the way it's written, but I don't believe that's technically how it should be.

The "oiling" between the legs may be a UK thing. I've never heard the term before. I understand what it means, and it certainly describes what's happening, but for some reason, from a US standpoint, it's kind of a jarring term. Plus it's used twice within only a handful of paragraphs, so it really stuck out to me.

"...yanked my knickers to me knees..." It may be the way it's spoken, but that part isn't being spoken. In this particular case,, it should still be "my."

Congratulations on proper use of a semicolon.

"...might make a mess -" should be an ellipsis, not a dash.

"...come back tonight with me mate..." This one is part of a spoken section, therefore the dialect is appropriate.

"...couldn't quite believe it was me who'd said what I'd said - imagine..." You may be better off with a final punctuation here, instead of the dash. Either a period or exclamation would work.

"And his unknown friend - a man I'd never even seen!" I think this one might work better with a colon.

"Now they were at the door, two of them." I think a colon here, rather than the comma, would be better, too.

"lust siping from my pussy" Should that be seeping?

"...lips to coat the blond boys shaft..." You need an apostrophe in "boys"

"...Do we have to go?" I'm not sure the opening ellipsis is necessary.

Mostly what I managed to find is fairly minor, but you asked for help... I hope I've done so.

Story

I thoroughly enjoyed your story. I will leave the hard critiquing to others but I did find one possible problem with spelling. You used the word "siping" which I have never heard or seen before. If you meant taking a sip of a fluif then it should have been"sipping" but if you really meant "slipping" which I think you did then it is evident that your spellcheck did not catch the error. Do not depend on spellcheck to catch all your errors as if you mean to use the word "wear" but accidently leave out the letter "e" ending up with the word "war" spellcheck recognizes that as a correct spelling. Spellcheck does not deal with syntax which would have caught the error. I learned this the hard way when I turned in a paper for one of my college courses. To help prevent this from happening print out your story then read one page slowly one day then set it aside for a day or two then reread the same page again. Repeat this process with all remaing pages then let an editor go over the whole story. Good luck and keep writing.

Hi Robyn: I really like the emphasis on you receiving the cum shots. Also the kissing involved and varying ages of men is hot. Thinking about your hand jacking a cock was intense.

The spell chequer on me pea sea tails my if eye yam write.

robertreams said:

The spell chequer on me pea sea tails my if eye yam write.

Click to expand...

Okay...pretty sure I just sprained my brain reading that.

Robyn, that was a great story, a rollicking good time, highly enjoyable. I liked the mature, bossy, confident, character of Mrs. Banks; I can picture her in another scene in a black satin bustier, flicking a riding crop. Just a few things I'd tighten up if I was your editor:

1. There is an abrupt shift from Robyn, the young (I assume) woman with a boyfriend in the bathroom stall, to Mrs. Banks, the "dirty old tart"/"old bird" with a thing for young men and their friends -- and evidently, a husband lying around somewhere. It almost seems like these are two different characters. And there is no explanation if the mysterious missing Mr. Banks might be concerned about coming home and finding you having a mini-bukkake party.

2. There are a couple of times when your character is speaking, but you separate the sentences into separate paragraphs. This is a bit confusing, because without the indicator "he said" or "I said", it looks like a new character is speaking with each break.

I stood up and put both fists on my hips. "I thought I made it plain, Carl. I told you what I wanted. Do you think I put that bikini on just to tease you? Did you think I flashed my tits for a laugh? That look on your face when I wandered out and you saw my body...

"It got me all hot and bothered flirting with you. I could see you ogling my tits, Carl. Seeing how much I turned you on got me so fucking horny...

"Do you know what I did - this afternoon, when you'd gone?"

Because of the paragraph breaks, it looks like a conversation between two people, but the narrator is the only one speaking.

3. Watch for repetitive word tics. The blond boy whines four times in two pages; dig out that thesaurus!

I'm a little leery of the Fetish category because you never know what you are going to get, but this story was frisky and fun.