Request for feedback

extreme_hetro_sex · Dec 26, 2014

Hi,

My member name is extreme_hetro_sex. I am an amateur writer and English is my second language. I wrote "A Miracle" some time ago. It's a group sex story. Please, give some of your valuable feedback on it.

Link:

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-miracle-1

Bramblethorn · Dec 29, 2014

Just a couple of things:

There are some mistakes with English grammar, for example: "You like to watch people having sex, aren't you?" I smiled. - should be "don't you". Nothing that stopped me from understanding the story but I recommend finding an editor or beta-reader who can help with the English.

This bit:

She screamed, "HEY! Are you blind?"

I had to turn back to her. When I reached to her, she gave me an angry look.

"Can't you see a girl, standing next to a car," she said with some anger.

"Yes, I can, but I don't want to be in any kind of trouble," I tried to explain myself.

"I am the one who is in trouble. As a man, isn't it your duty to help a girl in trouble," She said with restrained anger.

You tell us three times that she's angry - but it's already clear from the first thing she says (screams). Just let the dialogue speak for itself.

extreme_hetro_sex · Dec 30, 2014

Bramblethorn said:
Just a couple of things:

There are some mistakes with English grammar, for example: "You like to watch people having sex, aren't you?" I smiled. - should be "don't you". Nothing that stopped me from understanding the story but I recommend finding an editor or beta-reader who can help with the English.

This bit:

You tell us three times that she's angry - but it's already clear from the first thing she says (screams). Just let the dialogue speak for itself.

Thanks Bramblethern. I appreciate your help. I sent this story to three different editors and none of them replied.

JAMESBJOHNSON · Dec 30, 2014

Your grammar will improve with experience.

What I notice is how you use dialog with plot rather than using it with irrelevant narrative. This is good and youre ahead of most writers.

extreme_hetro_sex · Dec 30, 2014

JAMESBJOHNSON said:
Your grammar will improve with experience.

What I notice is how you use dialog with plot rather than using it with irrelevant narrative. This is good and youre ahead of most writers.

Thank you, JAMESBJOHNSON. Every new writer needs encouraging words like this.

JAMESBJOHNSON · Dec 30, 2014

extreme_hetro_sex said:
Thank you, JAMESBJOHNSON. Every new writer needs encouraging words like this.

I'm stingy with praise but your style caught my attention, because its uncommon.

Request for feedback

extreme_hetro_sex

Literotica Guru

Bramblethorn

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extreme_hetro_sex

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JAMESBJOHNSON

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extreme_hetro_sex

Literotica Guru

JAMESBJOHNSON

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