Looking for Criticism: My Literotica Author's Bio

Writer Seeking Editor(s) to Edit and Advise Me on My Literotica Author’s Bio

OLD TITLE: Looking for Editor: My Literotica Author's Bio


UPDATE 7-11-2018:
It appears that my initial post somehow gives some readers the impression that I am an editor in search of writers in need of an editor. Such is not the case. My apologies to those readers left with that impression after reading the original post. I hope the following sections of this update clarifies a) what I seek and b) provides enough information for respondents to offer relevant edits and/or advice.

Important facts about myself and my experience I want to convey through the bio:

• Ninth grade dropout (A fact I feel is important so that people have an idea of what they may be getting into with me as a writer.)
• Imaginative person with a knack or talent for writing (Facts I think are important. I mention creativity as I feel it is an asset, but, come to think of it, that asset may well be an asset all (good) writers possess. I mention I’ve been encouraged on more than one occasion to pursue writing, it seemed like mentioning this apparent talent in some way would add relevant information.)
• Former/semi-retired tabletop RPG player (For experience I mention RPGs were outlets for my imagination and desire to create characters, build worlds, and tell stories. Though, it is not easily verified online.)
• Self-taught, part-time, still-learning English student (Another fact about myself that I feel is important to know about me up front.)
• Willing to put in the time and effort necessary to both further my knowledge and comprehension of English and hone my skills and talents as a writer to produce quality works
• Self-published, former blogger (A point of experience. The blog is still up but not active, so it is easily verifiable online.)
• Focus is now on writing and learning how to write fictions. Specifically and currently, through the genre of flash fiction eroticas--fliroticas
• Seeking readers, writers, editors, and others interested in participating in and/or contributing to my creative process for Literotica projects and/or education in/knowledge of the English language.

What I seek in edits and advice:

• For partial of full edits, if possible, I would prefer “submissions” to have the edited/changed sections underscored and strike throughs on entire deletions for use as visual references when comparing your draft to the original. (To be honest, I am unfamiliar with posting to forums, this request may be too much to ask, let me know in your reply if this is the case.)
• For advice, regardless of whether or not it accompanies any edits, I would appreciate, however brief or lengthy your reply, if you include as much of the following as possible:
  
  [*]I would feedback such as your reasoning behind the changes, or lack thereof, that you suggest;
  [*]The relevant rules or guidelines that inform your suggestions, glaring violations of the rules of the road such as mixing up tenses, comma splicing, or whatever drives you up a wall;
  [*]The inclusion of links to pertinent reference materials;
  [*]Any other constructive observations or pointers.
  [*]For those who have already replied, to make it easier on you, feel free to edit your original comment with underscored text to visually highlight your new thoughts, if you have any, that is​
  .

Final thoughts before finishing this update
I understand that my education level and lack of experience create obstacles and hurdles for me as fledgling writer and potential persons interested in working with or guiding me to one degree or another.

Nevertheless, I feel that the above hindrances will decrease with time as my skills improve and my knowledge increases in the coming weeks, months, and years.

In the meantime, I feel that being forthcoming about my weaknesses as well as honest about my strengths is overall best. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and energy on needless pursuits.

Finally, I know this is a lot of thought and effort to put into an author’s bio for Literotica. (I only looked at a few profiles, but the majority lacked one.) But, for me, it is an opportunity to learn new things and gain some experience in interacting with editors.

###

I've taken this piece as far as I can. If anyone would like to offer any style or editorial or other suggestions, I would greatly appreciate any constructive comments below.

Feel free to ask me questions, not knowing much about me could leave some folks unsure of what advice, if any, to give me.

(Below the draft in question are the notes I used to compose this bio, a link to the original article is provided.)

Draft 11
TriXteR Phillips recently began writing flash fiction erotica, flirotica. He currently focuses on a set of interrelated stories that explore the relationship between two main characters through their kinks and fetishes. He utilized innate creativity and talent useful to tabletop RPG players to aide this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student in transitioning to one-time amateur blogger, and, now, to novice writer. He overcomes lifestyle inexperience with a willingness to learn while exploring the various facets of BDSM. He writes fliroticas at this time to learn and practice writing fiction and further study English. Want to participate in the creative or learning processes? Learn more by sending him a message through the Contact form.

###

I based the bio of the following notes taken from this article I found online while researching how to write an author bio [UPDATED: 07-11-2018]: XXXXX

Checklist
Third person
List only provable facts, not necessary for the facts to be easily provable on the internet
Pertinent education and experience
Memberships if any, for now, Literotica Bulletin Board
Keep sentences tight
Hook, grab, hold

“Denise Rutledge has been working with writing challenged clients for over four years. (How long you’ve been providing a service is useful information.) She provides ghost writing, coaching and ghost editing services. (What your services are is also useful) Her educational background in family science and journalism has given her a broad base from which to approach many topics. (Education and experience.) Her writing skills may be confirmed independently on Literotica is not a place to promote other websites. (Provable facts.) She especially enjoys preparing resumes for individuals who are changing
careers. (Hook, grab and hold.) You may learn more about her services at XXXXX . (Second hook, grab and hold.)”

“Writing challenged clients” in the opening sentence is also a potential hook, grab and hold.

“Jane Doe writes SEO articles for businesses that want to see their Google search rankings surge.(What she does.) Her articles have appeared in a number of e-zine sites, including XXXX (Way to confirm her skills.) She contributes articles about SEO techniques regularly to XXXXXX. (Her experience level.) Her articles focus on balancing informative with SEO needs–but never at the expense of providing an entertaining read. (There’s the hook.) Learn more about how Jane’s SEO articles could grow your
business by visiting her blog at XXXXXX

You might notice that neither example includes a membership. If a rule doesn’t apply, don’t worry about it. If you have to weigh which is more valuable, experience always wins.

###

This request is probably trivial to most editors. I mean, it's only a paragraph.

Nevertheless, it's a means of testing the waters when it comes to searching for and interacting with potential editors. Also, the feedback will give me a better idea of where I stand as a writer.

In advance, I thank you for your time..

TriXteRPhillips said:

TriXteR Phillips recently began writing flash fiction erotica, flirotica. He currently focuses on a set of interrelated stories that explore the relationship between two main characters through their kinks and fetishes. He utilized innate creativity and talent useful to tabletop RPG players to aide this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student in transitioning to one-time amateur blogger, and, now, to novice writer. He overcomes lifestyle inexperience with a willingness to learn while exploring the various facets of BDSM. He writes fliroticas at this time to learn and practice writing fiction and further study English. Want to participate in the creative or learning processes? Learn more by sending him a message through the Contact form.

Click to expand...

My quick and aggressive edit. It's not perfect, but it's more to-the-point than what you had. Take what works. Your part about RPG creativity doesn't make sense (do you mean you honed your creative talents as an RPG player?), so I took liberties here. Change if necessary. I presume you are using this bio to advertise your services as an editor? If not, change "If you are seeking help" to whatever works for you. I erased the part about you writing to learn, as this is obvious and also not really necessary information for your purpose. Here it is:

Any random moderator might scrub the addresses out of a linked or unlinked web address as a form of soliciting which is against the rules.

I'm not sure what you are looking for, as the editors here are going to be mostly skilled in fictional stories. I don't think they would help in regard to writing an author's profile, especially if what you are seeking to do is set up salable services. In such a case, you seem to be asking for them to do for free, what you in turn will sell.

Perhaps they might help you out, but I imagine they will offer their services at a premium, likewise.

Aargh, tense jumping. Focuses, utilized, overcomes. Also the utilized sentence is too cumbersome to read easily (keep sentences tight). And delete 'at this time'.

How quickly do you want your students to out you (assuming that part of your bio is true)? We've had it happen on less specific material in past years, especially in the case of teachers also playing on Literotica. I'm not a teacher, but I had a then Lit. regular guess who I really was just on the strength of the content of my stories. Luckily she just PMd me the right answer and, as far as I know, didn't share the information around.

Other than that, the bio looks fine to me. I wasn't aware that anyone spent that much time and effort on constructing one here. That said claiming to be innately creative and talented might put some potential readers off. If you're secure, you'd probably want the reader to find that out about you all on their own (showing rather than telling).

Composing the update I posted just moments ago took up all my time to write and before dinner. I'm not sure if I will have time to reply tonight to each of you. Perhaps that delay will be for the best in light of the update.

Regardless, I appreciate everyone's input. While I have not yet had the chance to do more than skim comments a couple of times today, they where helpful in pointing out to me a few errors in my post. I think I learned a few important lessons about posting to the forum and how to solicit for and interact with an editor. I look forward to spending more time tonight or tomorrow reading over each of your posts and replying to them.

Thank you, all.

thewinedarksea said:

My quick and aggressive edit. It's not perfect, but it's more to-the-point than what you had. Take what works. Your part about RPG creativity doesn't make sense (do you mean you honed your creative talents as an RPG player?), so I took liberties here. Change if necessary. I presume you are using this bio to advertise your services as an editor? If not, change "If you are seeking help" to whatever works for you. I erased the part about you writing to learn, as this is obvious and also not really necessary information for your purpose. Here it is:

TriXteR Phillips writes flash fiction erotica — flirotica. His current stories explore the relationship between two main characters through their kinks and fetishes. Drawing on creative skills honed through years as an RPG player, this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student is an amateur blogger and novice writer. What he lacks in lifestyle experience, he makes up for with a willingness to learn as he explores the various facets of BDSM. If you are seeking help in the creative or learning processes, learn more by sending TriXteR Phillips a message through the Contact Form.​

Click to expand...

In general, I like what you've done with your edits to make the bio more to-the-point.

As to my RPG experience, I went into further detail about that in in the update I added. Though, your liberties are close to the point I wanted to get across. One thing, I no longer blog. What do you think of changing that part of the sentence to something like : "part-time English student and former amature blogger is now a novice writer."

No, I am just a nocive writer seeking assistance with my bio. Though, I can see how one might presume that with the old title and the last couple of lines in my bio. My apolgies for the miscommunication. Was there anything else or something all together different that lead you to presume such?

I'm curious to know, could you elaborate on what is obvious about me writing as a means of learning? Also, part of the reason for adding that line is to inform people of that fact before adding the soliciation for writers and editors who would be interested in such. In light of that, is there a way to keep something about that in the bio, some way to make or give it relevance?

Not being familiar with this part of the writing process, I am uncertain as to whether or not it is appropriate to use editorial suggestions from more than one editor. Would you be personally opposed to me utilizing edits or suggestions from other editors? Also, if I do use some or all of your edits, do you want me tp credit as the or an editor at the end of the bio?

LWulf said:

Any random moderator might scrub the addresses out of a linked or unlinked web address as a form of soliciting which is against the rules.

I'm not sure what you are looking for, as the editors here are going to be mostly skilled in fictional stories. I don't think they would help in regard to writing an author's profile, especially if what you are seeking to do is set up salable services. In such a case, you seem to be asking for them to do for free, what you in turn will sell.

Perhaps they might help you out, but I imagine they will offer their services at a premium, likewise.

Click to expand...

I posted the link to my research material for editors interested in my source. I also though it would be a good resource to share for other novice writers interested in learning more about writing a bio for Lit. I have come aross links to offsite reousrces in other posts and from that assumed my link would be acceptable. Since it is obviously not, could you be so kind as to post a link to rules regarding the addition of offsite internet addressess, please?

I'm just a newbie writer trying to get help with my Literotica bio. Not trying to sell my bio or anything. I was trying to create a bio that honest about my limitations and at the same time invited those who are willing to help me improve as a writer to contact me.

However, as I addressed in my update and continue to address in the my replies as necessary, I can see with the old title and the last two sentences how readers of the original post could come to think that I am an editor seeking something I am not. Other than what I mentioned, was there anything else or something entirely different about my post that lead you to think I am an editor?

TriXteRPhillips said:

Also, if I do use some or all of your edits, do you want me tp credit as the or an editor at the end of the bio?

Click to expand...

You can do whatever you like with my suggestions. With the exception of my misunderstanding about your desire to be an editor, I think my edit makes it much stronger and to the point. I used to work as a writing tutor and I have reviewed and edited hundreds of CVs, funding applications and personal statements. My students were virtually always successful. I know what I'm doing

I'll say this kindly: everybody was an amateur blogger at one point, so that's too unremarkable to bother mentioning.

Sure, you could add a line about writing to learn if you wanted to. That's fine if the purpose of this bio is to solicit help and collaboration, etc.

The most important question you need to answer for yourself is this: what do I want my bio to achieve?

hadruprider said:

Aargh, tense jumping. Focuses, utilized, overcomes. Also the utilized sentence is too cumbersome to read easily (keep sentences tight). And delete 'at this time'.

Click to expand...

You'll probably cringe to hear this, but verb tense is something I have only started to learn about in the last month or so. Admittedly, after creating my original post, I thought to myself that I could have checked for consistancy of verb tense. Do you have a resource for studying verb tenses that would be useful for a novice such as myself?

To be honest, I would like to keep the utilized sentence in some form, might you have the time to offer a rewrite as a suggestion? Something that give me an idea of how to make it easier to read and tighter, as you suggest.

I appreciate your response and look forward to hearing back from you.

KeithD said:

How quickly do you want your students to out you (assuming that part of your bio is true)? We've had it happen on less specific material in past years, especially in the case of teachers also playing on Literotica. I'm not a teacher, but I had a then Lit. regular guess who I really was just on the strength of the content of my stories. Luckily she just PMd me the right answer and, as far as I know, didn't share the information around.

Other than that, the bio looks fine to me. I wasn't aware that anyone spent that much time and effort on constructing one here. That said claiming to be innately creative and talented might put some potential readers off. If you're secure, you'd probably want the reader to find that out about you all on their own (showing rather than telling).

Click to expand...

Well... Hmmm... I assume my original post lead you as well as others to think that I am an editor in seek of materials for editing. My apologies, such is not the case. I am a novice writer in search of those willing and able to assist me in learning about and creating works from the English language.

I am currious as to what students you refer. Did my post also give you the impression that I currently have students under my turelage?

Regardless, anonymity is of no concern to me. In fact, a quick search of Google, Facebook, or Twitter will confirm that. Nevertheless, I appreciate you taking the possibility of outting into consideration and advising me on such. Thank you.

Moving on, you say my bio looks fine, but as one can see from other replies, there are ranging differences of opinion. I guess, could you elaborate on why it looks fine to you in light of the other criticisms offered?

I realize that few folks add a bio to their Literotica profiles, let alone spend this much time and effort on them. However, to be honest, it's the experiences of writing a bio and submitting a piece for feedback and discussing the feedback that is most important to me at this point.

I can see your point about showing my talent and creativity instead of telling about them. It seems based on this suggestion, "show don't tell" is applicable to bios as well as fiction (and probably most other forms of writing come to think of it.). Though, truthfully, with my limited experience and such, I was searching, even streatching, for information to add.

I thank you for your feedback, and look forward to hearing back from you.

I need to head out from the forums for a time. But, I wanted to at least acknowledge that I saw your most recently reply. And, to let you know that I will respond later when time permits.

Again, thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it.

Well, there are several problems with the 'utilized' sentence.

1. It is too long. Split it into 2.

2. Change it to 'utilizes' so it is present tense like most of the rest.

3. Don't talk about your innate creativity and talent, as Keith said. That sounds big-headed.

4. I don't know what 'tabletop RPG players are.

TriXteRPhillips said:

I'm just a newbie writer trying to get help with my Literotica bio.

I realize that few folks add a bio to their Literotica profiles, let alone spend this much time and effort on them. However, to be honest, it's the experiences of writing a bio and submitting a piece for feedback and discussing the feedback that is most important to me at this point.

Click to expand...

Instead of spending so much time on a bio, why not use that time to learn how to write a story? Where did you think you would submit it for feedback?

thewinedarksea said:

You can do whatever you like with my suggestions. With the exception of my misunderstanding about your desire to be an editor, I think my edit makes it much stronger and to the point. I used to work as a writing tutor and I have reviewed and edited hundreds of CVs, funding applications and personal statements. My students were virtually always successful. I know what I'm doing

I'll say this kindly: everybody was an amateur blogger at one point, so that's too unremarkable to bother mentioning.

Sure, you could add a line about writing to learn if you wanted to. That's fine if the purpose of this bio is to solicit help and collaboration, etc.

The most important question you need to answer for yourself is this: what do I want my bio to achieve?

Click to expand...

At this point, I am leaning heavily in favor of your suggestions. With that exeption in mind, I also feel that it is a stronger and to the point. Given, your expertise, I can now see why my lack of knowledge and experience are obvious to you.

Fair point. The only thing likely more unremarakable is listing that you use email as experience... )

With soliciting help and collaboration and your question in mind, I took the liberty of making a few changes and an addition to what your redraft. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to get your feedback on my edits. Specifically, are they strong and to the point? Also, did I adequatly mimic your work, in other words, do my edits fit in smoothly with your work? I want to say yes, but...

One other thing, as you have likely gathered, I am familiarizing myself with how to use this forum to submit works to this board and for future publishing on Literotica. Intiially, I will submit the project mentioned in my bio to this board for advice and edits. Given your experience as a tutor, I would like to submit my request to you directly. Is this possible?

Without further comment:

Draft 15 (or 16, I forget off the top of my head).
TriXteR Phillips writes flash fiction erotica — flirotica. He writes flirotica to study crafting fiction and improve his understanding of English. His current stories explore the relationship between two main characters through their kinks and fetishes. Drawing on creative skills honed through years as an RPG player, this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student is a novice writer. What he lacks in lifestyle experience, he makes up for with a willingness to learn as he explores the various facets of BDSM. If you would like to help in his creative or learning processes, learn more by sending TriXteR Phillips a message through the Contact Form.

hadruprider, _Lynn_

I thank you both for your replies.

Unfortunately, I don't have time tonight to reply to either of you.

Nevertheless, I do look forward to replying tomorrow.

hadruprider said:

Well, there are several problems with the 'utilized' sentence.

1. It is too long. Split it into 2.

2. Change it to 'utilizes' so it is present tense like most of the rest.

3. Don't talk about your innate creativity and talent, as Keith said. That sounds big-headed.

4. I don't know what 'tabletop RPG players are.

Click to expand...

As to your points:

1. Agreed, that sentence was too long. I trimmed it down substantially. The new line seems a smoother read to me.

2. Check.

3. It does sound big-headed. Admittedly, I was grasping for information to add from the outset. Creativety and talent being to of the straws I clutched that were then crammed into my bio.

4. RPG = roleplaying game. In my case, tabletop RPGs such as D&D, the Palladium system, GURPS, Vampire: The Masquerade, etc.

Below is a draft of my originally posted bio with redraft of the line in question underscored. I'd lke to get your feedback on my alteration.

TriXteR Phillips recently began writing flash fiction erotica, flirotica. He currently focuses on a set of interrelated stories that explore the relationship between two main characters through their kinks and fetishes. He utilizes skills enhanced playing tabletop roleplaying games to aid this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student transition to novice writer. He overcomes lifestyle inexperience with a willingness to learn while exploring the various facets of BDSM. He writes fliroticas at this time to learn and practice writing fiction and further study English. Want to assist in his creative or learning processes? Learn more by sending him a message through the Contact form.

_Lynn_ said:

Instead of spending so much time on a bio, why not use that time to learn how to write a story? Where did you think you would submit it for feedback?

Click to expand...

I knew few things about how to write a story, but I knew virtually nothing about how to write an author bio before this project. Also, "submitting" it to, posting it to , if you will, the Volunteer Editor's board was an opportunity to learn how to use this forum. This is, for me, best done with extranious text before I start posting threads seeking editorial advice on my stories, which I hope to soon start doing. It also keeps me writing, which is good practice and habit. And, writing daily helps me deal with my anxiety and other mental health issues. Mental health issues that make socializing and interacting with others difficult, to say the least.

Submit my author bio, you mean? If so, here, to the Volunteer Editor's board, for the abovementioned reasons.

Well, I hope that sufficently answers your questions. If you have any others, ask away.

By the way, since you meantioned learning how to write a story, can you recommend a free online resource for beginners? If it is not something you can link to here, feel free to message me through the board.

The revised version is much better.

Like others, I was a bit confused at first about what you were trying to do here, but I get it now.

TriXteRPhillips said:

TriXteR Phillips recently began writing flash fiction erotica, flirotica. He currently focuses on a set of interrelated stories that explore the relationship between two main characters through their kinks and fetishes. He utilizes skills enhanced playing tabletop roleplaying games to aid this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student transition to novice writer. He overcomes lifestyle inexperience with a willingness to learn while exploring the various facets of BDSM. He writes fliroticas at this time to learn and practice writing fiction and further study English. Want to assist in his creative or learning processes? Learn more by sending him a message through the Contact form.

Click to expand...

This sentence sounds awkward and like it's referring to two people.
I think your bio would read better if you cut it completely, since it doesn't seem to be related to the rest of the content.

hadruprider said:

The revised version is much better.

Like others, I was a bit confused at first about what you were trying to do here, but I get it now.

Click to expand...

Thank you for the feedback, hadruprider. I appreciate it.

Again, my apologies for the confussion. I will keep clarity in mind when compossing future threads.

The sentence in question's subject is "he", meaning TriXteRPhillips, the verb is "aid" and the direct object is "this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student", which is also supposed to be TriXteRPhillips. But even if you fixed that- I'm assuming by making yourself the passive object of your role-playing skills- it doesn't flow.
Just my opinion as someone who writes and plays tabletop RPGs.

Alice_Rosaleen said:

This sentence sounds awkward and like it's referring to two people.
I think your bio would read better if you cut it completely, since it doesn't seem to be related to the rest of the content.

Click to expand...

To be honest, I thought to myself before posting this thread that that sentence would recieve the most criticism. The possibility of it being cut also occurred to me. Even post-redraft it, as you say, sounds awkward. I can kinda see what you mean about it sounding as though it refers to two people. However, if you could, a brief explination should help clarify your point for me.

After reading the sentences before and after without and then with the one in question, I can see what you mean about my bio reading better in its absence. As you point out, it doesn't seem releated to the rest of the content.

Though, I have recieved other feedback in this thread about that sentence that lead to this specific redraft of it. And, I'm not sure what is considered proper etiquette in this board when discussing materials previously edited with other editors. If you don't mind me asking, what would you suggest in this situation?

Alice_Rosaleen said:

The sentence in question's subject is "he", meaning TriXteRPhillips, the verb is "aid" and the direct object is "this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student", which is also supposed to be TriXteRPhillips. But even if you fixed that- I'm assuming by making yourself the passive object of your role-playing skills- it doesn't flow.
Just my opinion as someone who writes and plays tabletop RPGs.

Click to expand...

I just saw your reply above just after sending my reply to your original post. I was just about to go away from the keyboard, but I'll reply to this properly when I get back to my tablet. After skimming your reply here, you've given me pleanty of food for thought.

Anyway, feel freee to reply to my last reply to you at your leasure. No need to let my current inability to reply prevent you from doing so yourself.

Also, thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it.