Unsent Messages to Him/Her

I have so many thoughts
Ideas to share with you
So deep all of my feelings
Intensity thats true

To hold you close and whisper
Kisses soft on your skin
My hands through your hair
To touch you once again

Soft tender touching
Intimacy so sweet
Me melting into you
You melting into me

A moonlight dance on your deck
Singing love song to you
Our breathing passion rising
Touching the heart of you


And Baby,
If I need you, it’s because I love You.
You lift me ~ You give me courage to be strong You bring joy to my life You make me feel good and happy and free to be me -- it may be cliché but You make me want to be a better person .. I need you because I love you you are beauty to me, divine joy love You enrich my life with your experience, your knowledge, your presence… I grow more quickly because of you

I don’t love you because I need you. I NEED YOU because I LOVE YOU!!!!

A page is turning
But where am I
I do not see me
Where did I hide
Am I hiding behind fears
Of the unknown
Afraid of the light
This path has shown
These steps I have taken
Have led me to here
But where have I gone
How could I disappear
Was it your abrupt departure
That left me cold
Turning and running
For the past to grasp hold
Something familiar
Solace for me
False sense of security
Where did I go wrong
Where am I now
I need to come back
To show me I know how!
Only I know the way
The path of my heart
Only I know the way
Out of the dark
I need to get past
The fear that I feel
Get back to the me
The me that is real
I will find me
And when I do
I will show me
My light my truth
I have in me the faith
To go farther than before
I will take that next step
To go through those doors
I will see that those locks
are not really there
They are only in my mind
I will see past the fear
I will realize at that moment
I am truly free
Free to be all I really want to be
I have the world Right in front of me
Waiting only for me To realize
what it means To be me!!!!!!!!!

nothing is more important to me than truth . as a matter of fact, I am thinking of getting a symbol of such tattoo'd on my body~~ the one and only tattoo I will ever get! authenticity/truth is the most important thing to me..
speaking of hurting my feelings, I should not take things personal and I have been lately. prior to ..well, let's just say my resolve, my faith, my confidence has weakened because I have allowed it to.. I have become vulnerable in regards to the two of you and I do take full responsibility for the experience I have allowed myself to be in... I don't like it, it's draining but I still feel like it's worth it
because I DAMNIT care for you two so flipping much!!!!!!!! and you know what,
I guess I didn't really believe that--- or didn't realize--- or didn't want to see that I was being 'protected'--- that I was being 'lied' to.. what I wanted to believe was that ...... I don't know what I believed, shoot, I don't know what to believe and that is what--probably why I'm nauseated & distracted & confused

there are times when I feel like there is a friendship between us
when I really really believe it
all weekend I thought Thursday was good for us and I really believed you ....
but you see, I guess ...
you're right,
I want this friendship or maybe=developing=friendship to become a true friendship more than you or maybe just faster than you
I don't know why you both cannot be truthful to me without ----it hurts me worse when I do not get the truth because I can tell
it's like a sixth sense .. when you don't say what you are REALLY thinking, it is obvious to me but I don't second guess you because that would be arrogant of me... I have to trust people to tell the truth, I'm honest w/ my words always.. regardless of if it's hurtful or not... my intentions are NEVER to hurt someone NEVER... but I will not make assumptions about what you or are saying but I will tell you when you have hurt my feelings and I will tell you when I don't think you are telling the truth.

I wish you both would be honest with me. Trust is the basis of ---should be the basis of any relationship. .... It should definitely be the basis of this one (you me & s) if it's going to last : )... and I want it to! You two mean alot to me!

a friend I will be
commited to you two : )
without pretense or guile
I will ALWAYS be true!
I will take that step back
I recognize my mistake
forcing friendship down your throat
I hope it's not too late
to consider me a friend
to the two of you
my feelings have been hurt
I took it out on you
I took so much personal
and didn't listen to what you said
I hope you know now
there is much that I regret
I just wish you two could see
that I'm not like ....
but it doesn't matter
You two are great and
I'm glad you're in my life
I hope that it continues
..........

to my previous Sir.

God, you're an idiot. When you lost my respect, I knew you were stupid, but I never knew your stupidity ran so deep. And you betrayed people. I don't much care about what ever was between us, because I have moved on, but you have strung people along with your lies, and it's really rather pathetic.

I hope you can fix the mess you've gotten yourself into.

to my long long ago Olive Tree~sadness

I believe this individual is truly ~in his heart of hearts~ good, just misguided & driven by his ego fears... there is obviously something not right about this situation which is very very sad : (
it's actually heartbreaking to have touched lives (at least mine) in such a profound way & turn out that this was going on... I'm wondering where in the last 12 months this turned ..or if it had been going on all along & the trust that he gained was only to get pictures of me and my children to use on his porn website ???
this "Olive Tree" guidance, this faithful blind trust in the beginning .. was it his intention to get pictures to use on his website? was he using the faces of my children? my son? me?
it is sickening to go through this worry, this life lesson...
the lack of knowledge of him, the unknown ..
I have no idea about porn websites, no idea of this type of behavior...
most of the women he had internet relationships with had little boys.. except me, I have both a little BOY and a little girl!...
was he providing pornography through illegal use of the workplace server where he embezzled money....
Im pretty confident there are more women here that have been
vulnerable to this particular misguided man....
I would not presume to know the extent
or the need for worry...
perhaps I have nothing to worry about
.. I just plain don't know .. to this I'm ignorant
Pretty sick, Mister!

need I say I'm shaken
by what I've heard?
this heartburn building
must I quietly endure?
You did notice
the look on my face
the veiled look of confusion
that genuine smile has strayed
AGAIN!!!!!!


If I can say anything to You, Please don't turn away
I just can't do this another day
I don't understand why I was brought into that
conversation, the motivation to give me that ...to make
me aware of that information
please see me tonight, I'm not trying to control You
I never want to have a power struggle with You
I need This is important I believe this so crucial
and You know why I do..
I feel like I've been thrown against the wall
please don't be upset, I feel so
I know this is not the time
please come over tonight

jeri's conversation log~stardate *wink*

*with trepidation she sends
good morning
almost afraid to send
anything at all*

i will wait for You to tell me when
i will see You again~~ this-morning
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning!!! sunshine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*stomach flipping,
heartbeat pounding
shallow breathing
tears welling
eyes closing
...
3 deep breaths*

Good morning Sir
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
do You wish for a response to Your email?
do You wish for a prompt response?
when a prompt response is not received,
would You like a specific explanation?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All will do, little poo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
rushing to Your side, on my knees by the fire
suddenly Your Dominance became very real
my skin became hot, first my face then all of me
i covered my eyes ~i was ashamed of what You could see
finally, i came to realize why I'm subjected to such 'punishment'

the gentleness in Your voice
the slightest touch of Your hand
the truth in Your eyes
i... i'm overcome just thinking about..this
~ i am afraid to feel that mental/emotional pain again
i am uncertain of my perception and if i am wrong, by telling You all of this, i am being
vulnerable
my hesitation in sending this back to You promptly is my own fear
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*perplexed glance* ...Sir?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes very nice keep um coming
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the difficulty of this
i never imagined~~~
the depth that i feel You
with me Sir
i physically feel as though my entire body
is in total submission to You
though my mind/ego is still struggling for fear
of getting lost in You
~i know it cannot happen, i don't know how to
overcome it.. i am not fragile but it takes a
special person with innate ability to be who
You are to me and i i i
i'm getting caught up in this Sir

i need to stop, may i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes you may

...some of Your carefully chosen words
introduce doubt and make me think there is a deeper meaning
that I havent figured out~~

is it really magic, the way i make You feel?
i wonder about yesterday now
but the surrender i felt was real
did You really like it that way
all the way down my throat
did You enjoy me swallowing You
as You pounded to explode/Your baby's hole (Your choice; )


[like yesterday about using my name]~~ I read that one wrong! and You are sooo brilliant,... yes, it is difficult for me to refer to You as Sir when i'm not behind this screen~~ i've thought about that since that very conversation and i have thought of many ways to make this less difficult for me, i have procrastinated -- unconsciously intentional, i think.. please continue to have patience, You are a Divine Teacher... and i KNOW You know when to push

do You mind that i ask for clarification
my vision is still a bit blurred
and Sir, i don't want to be punished
before understanding the lesson to be learned

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No hidden meanings yes all is well, no worries

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hmmm *wondering where to place punctuation...
No. hidden meanings, yes.
or
No hidden meanings
yes all is well,

i suppose the answer is mine : ) which do i want to believe ???? i like to believe ....what You tell me ehem, that's right! ; )
ok, thank You my succulent Sir

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes my succulent feline friend, all is well and I like it when it is down in the throught long ways, and you move your long tongue around.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ooooh, i love to feel Your hands
as they guide me all around
and to hear Your words tell me
how to lift You off the ground
and then to feel Your breathing
as deep and intense as mine
and hearing You whisper to me
"I am pleased with you this time"

You are soooo good.
quick in your assessment~
dare I say anything
for fear it changes
again?
I have found a way to
cooperate instead of fight

I've had this snippet on my desk for over 3 yrs and
boy, it's never been sooo pertinent to my life as it is now~

>The world fundamentally is constituted on the basis of harmony. You'll find everything works in cooperation with something else. ....It's through cooperation, not conflict, that your greatest successes will be derived. ...<

::whatever floats your boat. good luck...
L8er...

I am floating and there will be tradewinds, I know
But..there will be NO MORE! harmony~threatening hurricanes
luck is not involved~ we create our reality by the thoughts we think

please don't turn away from me. if you are upset/angry/? with me, express it.
or at least tell me 'we' are ok as far as our friendship...

your words mean something to me. You do realize that.
and the words you chose in your response fell on my loft balloon like a brick.

see you later

i love what You do for me,
i feel like i could cry
these 'All Staffs' You pass to me
after being seen through Your eyes
i'll only get what i need to know
& the rest will pass on by

i wish i could do that with everything
i will do that with all of me
.....
i AM amazed by You
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good! I like it that way!!!!

the instinctive thrust of Your body
filling my body with Your seed
the Dominion of the Animal World
my King's most Primal need

O! my King, my King my King
i am Your animal lover~
and You are my animal King

to my Animal King, my Lover, my EVERYTHING!!!

did i tell You today
i am living, learning and loving
~~soo completely~~ every day
thank You for sharing Your Beautiful ways

Truth is part of honesty
but honesty is more

Honesty is the absence of deceit
combined with compassion

Honesty without compassion
is hostility

Truth without honesty
is a mask
a way to hide
not only from me but from yourself

~my wish to relive the morning~

could we have went together this-morning?
i would have loved to meet the morning staff at squiggly's school ~
today would have been a ....

... actually, was it the first attempt at 'our' life getting 'our' attention
i was afraid to say more, suggest more~ unable to read Your intent
i --was this the first time You were frustrated and so pressed
i felt like i was just in the way

i wish i would have asked You
if we could all ride together again~
i would quickly get You clothes for tomorrow
as You buckled squiggly in

i'd meet her teachers and know
they are aware that we are 'close'
we'd make it to work only 30 mins late
and i'd stay until you wished to go

we'd go pick up my children
we'd stop along the way home
if i would have only rejected fear
and asked if we could ride together instead of alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next time!!!

Yesterday you hurt me one more time
The last time
as I told yoou
I NEVER want to hear from you again
(yes I did say I want your herb business)

You email this morning saying I had a right to be angery
just hurt me that much more

I need to make ammends for responding
in anger to you
not for what I said
but for doing in anger
yet I fear you will not understand

I am loss

must i guess at Your wants
anticipate Your desires
is this part of my learning
to walk within O/our Fire
Your power is erotic
Your glance sears my soul
Provocative Indifference
i'm debased
swollen
exposed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's rebased!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*nervously biting her fingernail* ...Sir? softened... to remember the power You hold over me, to remind me of where i am with You, to remind me i am Yours, i am Your baby, Your pony, Your girl, Your lover, Your lady, Your mother, Your father, Your son, Your dog, Your toy, i am Your submissive~~ i need to remember who i am to You, i need to learn Your wants, desires, anticipate Your needs by watching You and reading You and questioning and giving and loving and i'm ashamed i don't know now and i'm ashamed that i'm thinking this and i don't know if it's right and i feel stupid and embarrassed..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That is all good!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*raising her eyes to Yours, wanting so much to get lost there... finding it so hard to breathe*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your intuition is embarrassing ~~my face is a painful, searing blush
i'm sorry
and my smile is gone
i am confused by You
and it frightens me
i'm not sure which way to think
i question my perception
as always
when i try to 'keep my faith'
it seems to make the confusion worse
Sir, my King ~ i dont want to be afraid to love You, i don't want to cry

i will learn all that You teach me, i will eventually know the intent in the words You choose ... i do hear You Sir, but i allow 'me' to get in the way without thinking of You~my Teacher, my Brightest Star, my Guiding Light that prevents me from knowing what You want me to 'know'..

What part of
Do not contact me ever again
did you not uinderstand

Why did you feel the need to post me
that I had the right to be angery

You will get the flowers
because i paid for them
and can not unpay for them

Your gift I had for you
has been given to another

As much as it pains me
we are done
because I can not trust you

you have blown away all trust
I had for/in you

Afraid of the unknown
Not knowinig what is to come
Where am I going
Or where I have gone
I need You to hold my hand
Lead me along the way
Don’t let go of my hand
Please don’t go away
I’m afraid of the unknown
I don’t know what I am
Am I being used
For You to fulfill Your desire
Are You twisting my fantasy
To fuel this twisted fire
I am so confused
I don’t know what to think
What to feel..
I feel uncomfortably numb
Threatening fears in my mind
Trembling in my heart
I don’t smile, I don’t cry
Please don’t leave me alone
Tell me what is going on
Please take my hand
And pull me up on my knees
Lift my chin so my eyes reach Yours
And tell me something true
Then pull me up into Your arms
And hold me close to Your heart
Let me feel it beat with mine
Tell me we’ll never part
I’m afraid of the unknown
I don’t know what to do
Please don’t leave me this way
The Only light is You

you posted me again today

The card you got was sent days ago
It was schudled to go to you today
as were the flowers

your message
Thank you for thinking of me. I dont deserve it

why did you send it
what do you want
what game are you playing

yes I want to contact you
I want to hold you
but I can not

you have abused me one to many times
if and when
you are willing to go to
couples counsoling
then
maybe

I just wanted to share it with you because.... well, because I know you read my emails and I know He doesn't like LONG emails so.... I'll print it & give it to him later. don't read it if you don't want.

hi I'm still uncomfortable about last night... to-- I mean, at the lounge..so much gone unsaid I feel like there is so much to talk about & I can't get it out of my head~~ I feel like I'm going crazy HELP MEE!!!!!!!! what can I do????

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You try too hard... Relax. Life happens all by itself, and the harder you force it, the more it fights back. Take a deep breath. There are some things in life that are not meant to be known...
Good poem though. You wrote it right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

but I wasn't fighting anything ~ I feel like I've been beaten though, WTF WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYWHY
yes I wrote it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

if i know what you were talking about last night and what you are talking about now, and i do... we need to have that talk again. that night at the clipper, right? you only heard what you wanted to from that conversation, and i can tell that you jumped to some conclusions. we'll have to have that talk again, but hopefully next time you will listen instead of just hearing...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~another turn? how can i be jumping to conclusions i heard what i heard last night please don't tell me i didn't
this is not about you and i guess what my issue is is still with Him
i mean it when i say i have no problem with 'pleasure' *wink* ...i've always precluded that statement with "..if the relationship takes us there" .. that is assuming there is a bond of trust, a level of intimacy, a depth of real feeling between TWO people...
when i think about it, i would definitely want to be in the middle of the two of you : ) sleeping of course!!!! lol
no really, just thinking of the length of our naked bodies touching eachother close like that... GOD! i wish i was there now, i'm soooo tired and cold and worthless today!!!!
but ok, seriously... we were talking about ME moving in with HIM
and now ????
wtf? i'm confused
i'm scared
everything changes so quickly
i just want to stay
OUT OF MY MIND
but i can't
and i don't know what to do
i don't
and..
at least with you listening i can cry

you bring out something
something that's new
a feeling, a need
never before explored

i'd like follow this path
take that journey
with you....
i can only hope
that maybe you do too