Trust/Intimacy Exercises

dazed_11

Experienced
Joined
Apr 8, 2014
Posts
62
I’m not entirely sure how to ask my question without getting into my whole situation, but I’ll give it a shot. I also wanted to post this here because while this isn’t a hardcore bdsm post, I thought the people here would have the best thoughts on the topic. Besides, being a sub myself I feel more comfortable speaking in this thread…I know that’s kind of weird.

So. What are some activities you can think of that can help relieve anxiety, or even negative thoughts toward sex? I’m taking from small things to pretty much anything you can think of that can help encourage one from a frustrating, stressful state to wanting intimacy…except actual sex. I’d appreciate thoughts of things that don’t have anything to do with actually going inside the vagina. Maybe for you, I’m simply using long sentences for foreplay, but this is a person who isn’t even particularly into that most of the time either. Maybe it’s been a bad thing in the past, and they need help being shown even being touched is a good thing. How can someone help them relax and want it, or how can they help themselves? They love reading about even the really rough stuff, so much bdsm SOUNDS like fun, and they've read about and imagined what feels like every act possible, but when it comes to going to the bed...eh.

I know it’s a vague question, but I always feel bad making people read a lot and was hoping the shorter this was, the more response there’d be ;) This may be too silly to ask anyway, I don’t know. No harm in trying I suppose. So any ideas?

Ps- I know this sounds like something for a sex therapist, but did you know they’re crazy expensive? ;) Okay, I’m going to stop reading over and over again what I wrote before I think it’s stupid enough to delete…lol
 
Last edited:
Find one thing sexually that the person does enjoy and start there. For example, If the person likes to be kissed, start a heavy make out session then start kissing the neck then the shoulders then the arms and so on and so forth.... Idk maybe that's sounds dumb, but baby steps right?
 
You seem to be taking it for granted that this person would enjoy having real BDSM sex. Do you really know that? Not everybody enjoys the same things, and the things people like to fantasize about are not always things that would make them happy if they really did them. Maybe everything would be wonderful if only this person would unwind and enjoy it. I don't know. I'm just saying I wouldn't take that as a given.

That said, touching someone in non-sexual ways can be intimate. Foot rub. Back rub. Just don't keep trying to inch toward sex every time you touch the person, or this person is going to get tense the second you touch him or her.

Come to think of it, there are a lot of BDSM things that are, or can be, non-sexual, and even more that don't have to involve intercourse. There are so many possibilities, and I have no idea what you guys might be into, so it's hard to make any specific suggestions.
 
Last edited:
Perhaps I should explain a bit better :) It's ah...it's me. I have all the issues, and I know I would love bdsm :) When I am into it, the rush of being a sub is incredible, but...for a lot of reasons (ones I'm better at talking about when it's not on a forum for everyone to see haha) sex is a stress starter in my brain most of the time, not a stress reliever like it should be. I'm trying to figure out how to turn off that switch, change the way my mind automatically goes to defensive mode.

I don't really know what I expected to get out of the thread when everybody is different, I don't know. All I know is I"m not totally dead inside, I enjoy doing things when I'm alone (and with somebody if I can just get over this silly stress I get)...this might be too deep of a question, or just plain weird. I know it's a strange situation, esp for a place that loves sex lol
 
Last edited:
Perhaps I should explain a bit better :) It's ah...it's me. I have all the issues, and I know I would love bdsm :) When I am into it, the rush of being a sub is incredible, but...for a lot of reasons sex is a stress starter in my brain, not a stress reliever like it should be. I'm trying to figure out how to turn off that switch, change the way my mind automatically goes to defensive mode.

I don't really know what I expected to get out of the thread when everybody is different, I don't know. All I know is I"m not totally dead inside, I enjoy doing things when I'm alone...this might be too deep of a question, or just plain weird. I know it's a strange situation, esp for a place that loves sex lol

Ah. It may be a little atypical, but hey, this is the internet.

Why does sex stress you out? I would think that would be a really important thing here.
 
I agree with LucyH. Dealing with why you get stressed would probably move things along the fastest.
 
There are a lot of things that are not PIV. Things like waxplay, other kinds of temperature play, sensation play could be places to start perhaps, depending on what it is you have tried and found a rush before.
Making sure it isn't seen as just means to get to PIV as fast as possible would be very important as sombody already said.

That said, I think this is a difficult topic. As long as it's about two people trying to make a relationship work despite some problems, fine. Sometimes though, I think people get into a kind of dominant as therapist thing and that is expecting way too much, in my opinion.
 
Last edited:
yeah...I'm just not ready to get into it on a public forum and I know you're right about it needing to be explained. Just forget it, it's a difficult topic and this isn't the place for it.

Thanks for the help though guys :) Sensation and temp play, I will definitely look into all that.
 
There's no need to discuss it in the forum, but definitely discuss it with your partner and explain the issues you are having, then slowly work it out with them. If they are worth while they will take the time.

Don't think trying it out on your own is working on your issues because you are evading the trust issue altogether.
 
Maybe it would help to just take your sweet time? Many people rush into sex. To overcome sex issues, trust must be built. Spending many months forming a friendship with your partner and getting to know that person before having sex might help. Good luck!
 
Yes, we talked, and talked and talked about it...but it still ruined things. I'm just trying to think of activities, bdsm or not, that could break that barrier with someone in the future without the actual sex. There comes a point where the partner knows the situation but no matter how much you talk, you still need to move forward with things.

At least that's the conclusion I've come to. I don't know. Like I said it's complicated, but thanks anyway :) If someone honestly thinks they might have some great ideas if I explain I'd love a pm and I'll explain maybe (its worth it if I'll actually get some good help, though I don't know if it's worth your time!), but it's a pretty deep topic so it's for everyone to answer ;) I've tried to talk to a few friends about it and they have absolutely no answers.
 
Last edited:
Yes, we talked, and talked and talked about it...but it still ruined things. I'm just trying to think of activities, bdsm or not, that could break that barrier with someone in the future without the actual sex. There comes a point where the partner knows the situation but no matter how much you talk, you still need to move forward with things.

At least that's the conclusion I've come to. I don't know. Like I said it's complicated, but thanks anyway :) If someone honestly thinks they might have some great ideas if I explain I'd love a pm and I'll explain maybe (its worth it if I'll actually get some good help, though I don't know if it's worth your time!), but it's a pretty deep topic so it's for everyone to answer ;) I've tried to talk to a few friends about it and they have absolutely no answers.

I'd start with trying to figure out WHERE the negative attitude came from. Is it because of past trauma? Religious teachings? Societal pressure? Something else? Each of those issues might require a different approach.

For example, if it's an issue of religious upbringing (sex = sin, etc) maybe explore a more positive philosophy of sex that doesn't attach so much guilt and negativity to sex. My ex-husband had the most sex-negative attitude I'd seen in a long time, all based on religion. Which was interesting to me, as at the time I was also a practicing Christian, but I had a more sex-positive attitude than he did.

If it's a societal pressure issue, maybe explore women's sexuality issues. Study how we ended up deciding (as a culture) that women were either Madonna or whore. What is that based on?

Trauma... I'm afraid trauma might be one of those things ya just gotta buck up and spend $ on therapy. Sex therapy might not even be necessary. A great therapist should be able to work through things with you and help figure out how to move forward.
 
I know pleasuring myself helps me with everyday anxiety. But it may be a good way to retrain your brain to equate sexual touch with pleasure. Get a good vibe and use it alone. No pressure, it may take months, or a year, but it'll help.
 
Yes, we talked, and talked and talked about it...but it still ruined things.

If you are doing that much talking and without the right action coming from it, or no action coming from it, then you are doing the wrong talking or talking to the wrong people.

It sounds like you are bottled up, like a shaken soda bottle. Have you ever tried to open one of those? When it's under pressure, it's harder to open up. Likewise, you are having problems opening up because of some internal pressure. The difference is, you aren't an inanimate bottle of soda.

Just try to relax.

If it was meant to be easy, it wouldn't be called "life."
 
Trauma... I'm afraid trauma might be one of those things ya just gotta buck up and spend $ on therapy. Sex therapy might not even be necessary. A great therapist should be able to work through things with you and help figure out how to move forward.

This.

I think Loverskitten's idea is good.
When it comes to trust, I think it's important to remember that you have to trust yourself.
Sure, you have to trust the other person not to loose the keys to the cuffs, stumble with the kitchen knife and kill you or out you to your evil sister in law.
When it comes to anxiety, negative thoughts and old ghosts, it's ultimately yourself you have to trust to be able to handle the thoughts and feelings behind.
 
If trauma and/or sexual trauma is a factor, I highly recommend looking into the Healing Trauma books/CD courses by Peter A.Levine PhD. They are not a replacement for therapy, but they offer great insight and tools to help with healing.

You would not walk well on a sprained ankle until it heals. Trauma is no different a wound, so please honor it and you as you heal.

:rose:
 
Physical limitations have made things frustrating and difficult and caused that emotional trauma. I don't know how to move on and stop hanging onto them and trust anyone who says it doesn't matter, so...maybe some books n stuff would be helpful, thanks :)
 
I suspect I know what your problem is and even if not, I think it's safe to say that it really sounds like professional consultation is going to be the best answer to your problems.

Sorry, but sometimes forums are no solution to answering your problems.
 
From a different angle, if you want to have to offer trust under intimate circumstances arrange to have a full waxing with a professional, no landing strip, no nothing. If they do it completely it's one of the most intimate experiences you can have. It is not pain free but a good practitioner will be very understanding and as gentle as possible. The woman who does mine gives a soothing rub with warm lotion at the end which always leaves me wishing she wasn't so damned professional.
 
From a different angle, if you want to have to offer trust under intimate circumstances arrange to have a full waxing with a professional, no landing strip, no nothing. If they do it completely it's one of the most intimate experiences you can have. It is not pain free but a good practitioner will be very understanding and as gentle as possible. The woman who does mine gives a soothing rub with warm lotion at the end which always leaves me wishing she wasn't so damned professional.

WTF?
I don't think this is even remotely the kind of advice the OP is seeking.
 
It's okay, really we'll just let this thread die...haha I don't think I'll find anyone who's exactly "been there" before with this, or had to deal with anything remotely like it so coming up with ideas is difficult. Thanks tho you guys are so awesome ;)
 
It's okay, really we'll just let this thread die...haha I don't think I'll find anyone who's exactly "been there" before with this, or had to deal with anything remotely like it so coming up with ideas is difficult. Thanks tho you guys are so awesome ;)

Even though you're being cryptic, I can assure you there have been plenty who have "been there" and probably worse.
Good luck to you whatever you do.
 
Back
Top