Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.
Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I'm Home
Walking words worth hearing in a whisper
Of a midnight daybreak
Where I am right now
Not wanting to think
But wanting to be
To be in a constant flow of thoughtless thinking
And not a pause to turn the dial...
To tepid work
And cutting climaxes
Too many want to have all the time
Now I need this to change
I am losing direction
I want cold river water
Crystal clear
The kind you want to tip a tin cup into
And have it feel as though you are drinking the winter air
In the middle of a summer you wish was over
Because it's too much
Too much
Like a party that never ends
A city that never sleeps
An unforgiving lack of recognition
That you can't keep up
That you can't stay in
And though they don't say it
It's implied that you are being selfish
That you are the one that is unforgiving in your lack of recognition...
That feeling you had
The perfect blend of fear and excitement
Of knowing and not knowing what to do
--or how to go about doing it
But wanting to so badly.
Remember the knowing but not really knowing what to expect
The want to do good
--to please
To be the only one wanting enough to do such a thing to him
--for him
The want for him to want you so badly
To call you when he needs you
When he needs to feel your mouth around him
When he needs to feel you close to him
When he needs to have something to use
--and throw away.
Remember how you didn't expect so much spit?
The subtle grossness of feeling it cool as it ran down your forearm
The want to keep it from happening
The fear of it damaging the bedding below you
--your parents davenport
--the upholstery of their car
--his car
Or the thought of getting caught
Or how it made you want it to slide into you
--hurting you
Remember that want
--and going to bed with it
--and that deep need to share with someone what you had accomplished
That want to connect
--to find that club every fiber of you feels it now belonged to
--to find your people
--to not be alone with being with someone.
I can hear our neighbor upstairs walking about the place. I am not ready to be up yet but I don't want to blow the whole morning drifting off to sleep, periodically waking up thinking how I really need to get up but never really do and drift back to sleep.