Feedback Request: Island Magic

Well, you kind of lost me pretty fast when you started writing about a writer.

Why is it important that this guy be an author? Why is he such a hotshot author that he gets to put travel in work expense? I'm not sure even Stephen King does that. Why does he talk like a 1950's private eye? Is this supposed to be you?

You have a few places where the grammar is off, in almost uncharacteristically elementary areas. "We're" instead of "were", etc. I'm surprised about that, because in general, you seem to be an intermediate writer at least.

The main character's dialogue is... almost awkward. When he speaks, I envision this guy.

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Yeah... I'm getting that feeling the more I read this. This feels like your fantasy about some chick you tried to hit on and got turned down mercilessly, or never ended up talking to her at all. Blunt, but true.

"It's so nice to meet you, Adam. You are really my knight in shining armor here. Thank you for taking time to give me information."

I had crashed and burned. I would have to be content with the fact that I was really nice to somebody, but I didn't get anything in return.

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In general, your writing isn't bad. It's just not... I don't know. It doesn't stand out. It's like eating plain sliced bread. Yeah, it ain't the worst, and I can eat it, but I wish there was more. Cheese. Jam. Peanut butter. Maybe an egg. I don't know.

And then the sex scene! Oh god, the sex scene. It's awkward, it's out of tempo, it's all over the place. You got all the mechanics right, by a technical fault, but you end up describing what the girl is feeling more than what the MC is feeling in her... It's really obvious that you yourself aren't writing from experience.

My final thoughts: This reads like someone's wet dream about the girl who loves nice guys like you. Why can't they fall in love with a gentleman like me? Why do girls always date jerks? I bet if I was really nice to a girl, and planned out a nice romantic date with a picnic blanket and some wine, she'd probably fuck me.

Naw.
 
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Why in the hell shouldn't a writer be used as a character? Being a writer to justify foreign locales for the story is just fine. And, yes, if they have their business registered as an author, as I do, as a professional editor/writer, they can deduct travel research on published works. I do. (I don't deduct for the erotica, of course, as I don't draw attention to it--but, yes, for mainstream work.) And if their office, where they generally write, is in their home, they can deduct a percentage of their mortgage and utilities for a home office, and they can deduct for equipment, etc.

The kicker about deducting for foreign travel (and you can't deduct the full expensive; you have a percentage you can deduct) is that you're traveling to write about where you have traveled.

This review just seems riddled with personal prejudice. Maybe the OP wasn't writing for you specifically. And so what if it's the author's personal sex fantasy? How would that separate the story from 90 percent of the stories on this Web site?

The story reads just fine to me, with a distinctive, rather breezy voice. It was very well written, well above average for this site, with only a few technical issues that I saw.

In "the girl that was attached to them," it should be "who,' not "that." The girl is a person, not a thing.

And the proper adjective is U.S. (with the periods) and the noun is United States (written out).

Both of these are issues that are frequently misapplied, though.

For a first story here, it's very well done (as the comments on it and favoriting of it indicate).
 
I read this yesterday and decided to sleep on it before putting down my impressions.

I found it an enjoyable, light read. It was nice to read something that was relatively drama-free, although those can be fun too. I thought it was well-written, which doesn't sound like much but is a compliment, because there are so many stories on here with so many mechanical and technical mistakes. I thought the pace was fine, even a little languid, which fit with the setting.

The ability to travel struck me as odd too, knowing that many writers simply don't make that kind of money, but perhaps the author had other or previous sources of income. :) Those are the kinds of details that don't bother me, or if they do, I can make up my own reasoning and it doesn't distract from the story.

Oddly, perhaps, I puzzled over a model from Romania going to a place like St. Thomas -- that seemed like the most fantasy element -- but again, why not? That's mostly because I studied that area of the world in college and I suppose I'd expect a model from that part of the world to vacation some place a bit closer, such as an island in the Mediterranean.

However, that's just me and doesn't detract from a nice story about two people who meet and are into each other.
 
I think you'll find that mainstream writers do a great amount of travel--and always have--and get a lot of their inspiration from doing so. In addition to other travel I've been taking two cruises a year out of my royalties for the last several years, using that experience to write both in the mainstream and erotica, pulling more royalties from that to feed further travel, and taking a bit off my income tax. All sort of synergistic. But, yes, I'm in the financial position to use all of that money for play. But then that's what I write for too.

Having been in St. Thomas recently, I'm not at all surprised to find either a writer or a Romanian woman there. Of course I would think of the Romanian woman as being a B girl there.
 
Redacted :) What I wrote here before wasn't really necessary. Or even what I mean to say, I think.
 
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Well done, especially for a first effort.

Overall, I liked it. The sex scenes seemed a bit clinical at times and could have flowed a bit better, and it would been nice to have a bit more backstory on the narrator: How old is? Where does he live? What does he look like? What is his past? etc.
 
That's the sort of stuff that I think can quickly become irrelevant padding and ruin the immediacy of a erotic story. I'm not sure what any of these "would likes" would do to serve the story. If they provided insights into why the character acts as he/she does? Yes maybe. And, if you want more in the protagonist, why not more on the Romanian woman too. Surely, she has a more interesting "how I got here" back story. Of course, it too probably would be irrelevant to the storyline.
 
Yeah... I'm getting that feeling the more I read this. This feels like your fantasy about some chick you tried to hit on and got turned down mercilessly, or never ended up talking to her at all. Blunt, but true.

That's actually the motivation behind any non con story written and read by a male. That's how they show 'dem bitches':rolleyes:
 
That's actually the motivation behind any non con story written and read by a male. That's how they show 'dem bitches':rolleyes:

This is true. I never read non-con, it always reads weird. Now I know why.
 
And, if you want more in the protagonist, why not more on the Romanian woman too. Surely, she has a more interesting "how I got here" back story. Of course, it too probably would be irrelevant to the storyline.

But she DOES have a "how I got here" backstory. You didn't read that? She talks all about what her life is like and why she's on the island. It's like three or four paragraphs. According to the author it's VERY relevant. It's the most characterization we actually see.
 
{Quote}I was staring into space, trying to relax, when suddenly I was shaken out of my stupor. At the next baggage area, were the most gorgeous pair of legs I have ever seen. The girl that was attached to them was bending over, struggling with her luggage, and her short black skirt was riding up higher and higher on her. My eyes followed those legs all the way up to where the skirt was, where her black panties we're peeking out. Then there was the most perfect round ass that I had ever seen. If I were the gentleman that I should have been, I would have helped her pick up her bags. But I couldn't let this epic moment pass so I decided to enjoy the view as long as possible.{Quote}

What bothers me about your writing, as with many new writers, is all the extraneous stuff in the way of your communication

my eyes followed those legs up, up to the frilly black panties peeked out around a perfectly rounded ass. (or something similar) instead of "to where the skirt was, to where her panties were. . . And if her ass is perfect, and the best why do we need" I have ever seen? "You could have said I or anyone else in the world had ever seen in the whole wide wonderful world we live in. Anyway, I hope you see my point. Your story has meaningless inserts such as these throughout.

Also, as Asbel has said, we do not need to know any of that writer stuff.

I doubt that Dashiell Hammett used "amazing" and 'awesome" so often. find some alternative ways for your characters to be impressed. These two adjectives are used so often today in classroom writing and high school usage that they have lost their meaning. "Awesome" no longer has any "awe" and there is no maze in "amazing".

Too many things are the best he has ever seen and even she has a few. Why can't they just be "Best" or:(there are many many adjectives to chose from)
One last thing. This is something we all have a tendency to do: We are always starting, beginning someting. Must one "start kissing her breasts", or can one merely "kiss" them.
 
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One last thing. This is something we all have a tendency to do: We are always starting, beginning someting. Must one "start kissing her breasts", or can one merely "kiss" them.

Brilliant. This made me go and look at a big set piece group sex scene I'm trying to put together. About 5 "started" in a page. A couple I'm sure are legit, but the rest have gone- actually adding to the immediacy, I suspect.
 
Kissing and starting to kiss are not synonymous. There is a point at which the action starts and there can be a good reason to not where it starts. In a particular context the "begin/start" may be superfluous, but don't pitch words out just to reduce the syntax to the level of a technical report. If it has meaning that the action started at the point, there's no reason not to write that it did.
 
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