More Humour
- Thread starter Handley_Page
- Start date
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,197
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train."
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss."
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into her phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any more.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train."
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss."
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into her phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any more.
desertslave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2008
- Posts
- 5,491
I'm breaking the 'rules' again, and posting a link instead of a story. Apparently other mammal teenagers aren't that different from our own.
http://www.sunnyskyz.com/good-news/...lphins-Are-Caught-Getting-High-On-Puffer-Fish
http://www.sunnyskyz.com/good-news/...lphins-Are-Caught-Getting-High-On-Puffer-Fish
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
We can't smile or laugh often enough. This story shared by LeeRoy Garrett should get your week off to a perfect start:
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
DG
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
DG
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,197
Basically Useless Information
It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times.
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years .
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that
cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.
Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times.
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years .
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that
cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.
Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
BrianCaster
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2009
- Posts
- 315
Wisdom of Life
An Exam paper is like a Dick, when it's
hard people get fucked!
Education is like hiring a prostitute, it
needs both your money and your
hardwork...!
Success is like masturbating, only your
own hand can let you achieve it!
Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and
it's gone for ever!
Sex is like a pack of Chips, once you start
you can't stop!
Life without Friends is like Boobs
Without Nipples. IT'S POINTLESS !
Fuck a woman and she loves you. Love a
woman when she Fucks you.
MBBS Final Exam question paper: Fill in
the blank. If a woman faints, we must
first check her Pu_s_.
Only few students who wrote: 'Pulse'
passed.
The saddest part of a Man's body is his
Balls. They are sentenced to Hang Till
Death!
Boy: How much Calcium is there in
women's BREASTS?
Girl: It Enough to help a Man's Boneless
Thing stand up.
Give an example of Total Business Failure
due to Negligence.
A Pregnant Prostitute.
If Necessity is the Mother of Invention,
then Frustration is the Father of
Masturbation!
If your Boss says: Nothing is Impossible
ask him to wear condom after sex!
Before sex, you help each other get
naked. After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you, once
you're fucked.
An Exam paper is like a Dick, when it's
hard people get fucked!
Education is like hiring a prostitute, it
needs both your money and your
hardwork...!
Success is like masturbating, only your
own hand can let you achieve it!
Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and
it's gone for ever!
Sex is like a pack of Chips, once you start
you can't stop!
Life without Friends is like Boobs
Without Nipples. IT'S POINTLESS !
Fuck a woman and she loves you. Love a
woman when she Fucks you.
MBBS Final Exam question paper: Fill in
the blank. If a woman faints, we must
first check her Pu_s_.
Only few students who wrote: 'Pulse'
passed.
The saddest part of a Man's body is his
Balls. They are sentenced to Hang Till
Death!
Boy: How much Calcium is there in
women's BREASTS?
Girl: It Enough to help a Man's Boneless
Thing stand up.
Give an example of Total Business Failure
due to Negligence.
A Pregnant Prostitute.
If Necessity is the Mother of Invention,
then Frustration is the Father of
Masturbation!
If your Boss says: Nothing is Impossible
ask him to wear condom after sex!
Before sex, you help each other get
naked. After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you, once
you're fucked.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,197
Seen this before ?
Facts From Fly-over Country for East & West Coast Elite Snobs
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross into states such as Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska, the Tourism Councils in those states have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter those states.
1. That slope-shouldered farm body probably did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we shot Bambi, we got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us when a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for - "bait".
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an Idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
10. If you bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use four weeks a year.
12. Let's get it straight. We have one stop light in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too - and turtle. Your really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 69 goes two ways. State Road 24 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
19. That Officer, be it Conservation Officer, sheriff deputy, city police, or highway patrol that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir".
Facts From Fly-over Country for East & West Coast Elite Snobs
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross into states such as Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska, the Tourism Councils in those states have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter those states.
1. That slope-shouldered farm body probably did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we shot Bambi, we got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us when a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for - "bait".
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an Idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
10. If you bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use four weeks a year.
12. Let's get it straight. We have one stop light in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too - and turtle. Your really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 69 goes two ways. State Road 24 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
19. That Officer, be it Conservation Officer, sheriff deputy, city police, or highway patrol that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir".
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,197
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,197
Murphy's Laws for Business
If its raining, or cold or both the bus will be late
If you're running late the bus will be too
If you think you have lots of time before your bus you read the timetable wrong (or its out of date or both)
If you're early the bus is late If you're late the bus was early
The other people at the bus stop are waiting for the bus that has just pulled in
If you have no change then the bus driver won't have any either
The customer can be thrown off the bus at any time any explanation necessary
Two bus for the same place will always pull in together
The sign at the front of the bus is merely for decoration it is not the destination of the bus
Waiting for a bus seems to be longer than the journey.
If two or more bus routes go to one stop; at least one of each of the others will arrive before the one you want.
The bus you plan to take always leaves five minutes before you reach the bus stop. The bus you do take is always ten minutes late.
The hotter it is outside, bigger the chance there's no air conditioning.
The first bus from your route will always appear first in the opposite direction.
If you seem to catch the last bus of the day, it left two minutes earlier.
The more times you ask the driver to tell you when to get off the bus, the chance he won't tell you is bigger.
If you light a cigarette, the bus will come.
If you will light the cigarette in order to hurry up the arrival of the bus, it will be late.
Chat with a pretty girl, or light a cigarette, and the bus will arrive immediately.
The bus schedule should be known as one of the most exquisitely creative and vividly imaginary forms of fiction ever devised by man. [note; this may also apply to trains]
If you are early, the bus will be late.
if you are late to the bus-station, the bus will be on time.
If you must take a bus there's a strike.
Irrespective time and route, the city buses are always crowded
The last person on the bus always wants the last stop
When your behind time you always get every learner driver in front of you and every light is red
If its raining, or cold or both the bus will be late
If you're running late the bus will be too
If you think you have lots of time before your bus you read the timetable wrong (or its out of date or both)
If you're early the bus is late If you're late the bus was early
The other people at the bus stop are waiting for the bus that has just pulled in
If you have no change then the bus driver won't have any either
The customer can be thrown off the bus at any time any explanation necessary
Two bus for the same place will always pull in together
The sign at the front of the bus is merely for decoration it is not the destination of the bus
Waiting for a bus seems to be longer than the journey.
If two or more bus routes go to one stop; at least one of each of the others will arrive before the one you want.
The bus you plan to take always leaves five minutes before you reach the bus stop. The bus you do take is always ten minutes late.
The hotter it is outside, bigger the chance there's no air conditioning.
The first bus from your route will always appear first in the opposite direction.
If you seem to catch the last bus of the day, it left two minutes earlier.
The more times you ask the driver to tell you when to get off the bus, the chance he won't tell you is bigger.
If you light a cigarette, the bus will come.
If you will light the cigarette in order to hurry up the arrival of the bus, it will be late.
Chat with a pretty girl, or light a cigarette, and the bus will arrive immediately.
The bus schedule should be known as one of the most exquisitely creative and vividly imaginary forms of fiction ever devised by man. [note; this may also apply to trains]
If you are early, the bus will be late.
if you are late to the bus-station, the bus will be on time.
If you must take a bus there's a strike.
Irrespective time and route, the city buses are always crowded
The last person on the bus always wants the last stop
When your behind time you always get every learner driver in front of you and every light is red
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,197
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,197
A little list of "Doc-isms"
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,197
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too. - Samuel Butler
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - Samuel Butler
I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. - Bill Dana (William Szathmary)
"Moo" may represent an idea, but only the cow knows. - Mason Cooley "City Aphorisms"
Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger. - Abbie Hoffman
A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle. - Ian Fleming
The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too. - Samuel Butler
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - Samuel Butler
I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. - Bill Dana (William Szathmary)
"Moo" may represent an idea, but only the cow knows. - Mason Cooley "City Aphorisms"
Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger. - Abbie Hoffman
A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle. - Ian Fleming
JKendallDane
Plot Bunny Herder
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2012
- Posts
- 6,897
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,197
How To Save The Airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place....
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell – they don't even serve food any more, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place....
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell – they don't even serve food any more, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Quotes From Professional Athletes:
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Handley_Page
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BROTHER SPEEDER,
LET'S REHEARSE:
ALL TOGETHER,
GOOD MORNING, NURSE.
Burma ShaveLET'S REHEARSE:
ALL TOGETHER,
GOOD MORNING, NURSE.
Handley_Page
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Why is it the more expensive the car, the less the driver thinks he or she needs to use the indicators?
1. It's by and large a women thing: (They are fixated on shoes, mostly.)
2. It's one of the modern rules of the road.
These includes the worse the music the higher at which the volume it is played.
1. It's by and large a women thing: (They are fixated on shoes, mostly.)
2. It's one of the modern rules of the road.
These includes the worse the music the higher at which the volume it is played.
Handley_Page
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My wife lost 2 teeth last night eating a bag of crisps.
In fairness, I did ask her twice not to rustle the bag when football was on.
In fairness, I did ask her twice not to rustle the bag when football was on.
Handley_Page
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UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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Tongue aided tittilations
Old age isn't for sissies
when it comes to the marital bed,
what once swung from the chandeliers
now cowers in fright in your head.
Raising her expectations
is never a good idea
although tongue aided tittilations
without false teeth raise a cheer.
Anything Kama Sutra
is definitely chancing your arm,
not to mention rheumatic joints
bound to come to great harm.
So although you're no longer twenty
but the urges are still just as deep
make sure your actions are gentler
and your athletic frolics less steep.
Old age isn't for sissies
when it comes to the marital bed,
what once swung from the chandeliers
now cowers in fright in your head.
Raising her expectations
is never a good idea
although tongue aided tittilations
without false teeth raise a cheer.
Anything Kama Sutra
is definitely chancing your arm,
not to mention rheumatic joints
bound to come to great harm.
So although you're no longer twenty
but the urges are still just as deep
make sure your actions are gentler
and your athletic frolics less steep.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,197
Random thoughts
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or two after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
===========
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or two after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
===========
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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A woman and a child entered the cafe, which was full of customers, all chomping on 'All-Day Breakfast'. The Waitress approached them as they sat down.
"What can I get you?" she said.
The child, in the voice that carries a long way, said :"I wish to devour the unborn."
The whole place went silent as a graveyard. Even the steam from the Espresso machine stopped.
The lady looked very embarrassed and said "He would like some Eggs please."
"What can I get you?" she said.
The child, in the voice that carries a long way, said :"I wish to devour the unborn."
The whole place went silent as a graveyard. Even the steam from the Espresso machine stopped.
The lady looked very embarrassed and said "He would like some Eggs please."
Handley_Page
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The young man in the Pharmacy buying a pack of condoms complained:
"Do these really have to have a 'Use By' date on them ?
Like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already."
"Do these really have to have a 'Use By' date on them ?
Like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already."
Handley_Page
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After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:
"Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour,observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits,
censor their T-shirt messages and instil in them a love for learning.
You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.
You want me to teach them good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to vote, balance a chequebook, and apply for a job.
You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and ensure that they all pass their final exams.
You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their ability or handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Greek, Arabic, Vietnamese or Mandarin or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and issue a report card that doesn't offend.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for "New Start."
You want me to do all this, and then you tell me......
I CAN'T wear a little cross or say "Happy Christmas" because someone might take offence? "
"Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour,observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits,
censor their T-shirt messages and instil in them a love for learning.
You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.
You want me to teach them good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to vote, balance a chequebook, and apply for a job.
You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and ensure that they all pass their final exams.
You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their ability or handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Greek, Arabic, Vietnamese or Mandarin or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and issue a report card that doesn't offend.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for "New Start."
You want me to do all this, and then you tell me......
I CAN'T wear a little cross or say "Happy Christmas" because someone might take offence? "
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