Constructive Criticism

Please let me know what your thoughts are.

https://www.literotica.com/s/heroine-ch-01

Unfortunately, I find it difficult to review this story the way it is. Even the first paragraph is riddled with grammatical issues and writing faux-pas.

"I took this moment to wipe away the mascara that had run down my dirt and blood stained face. Being careful not to rub the painful mixture into my eyes."

The second sentence is a fragment the way it's written. It should either be connected to the first sentence in some way, or written to be a sentence on its own, but as it is, it doesn't have a subject. An example of how to rewrite it would be:

"I took this moment to wipe away the mascara that had run down my dirt and blood stained face. I was careful not to rub the painful mixture into my eyes."
or
"I took this moment to wipe away the mascara that had run down my dirt and blood stained face, being careful not to rub the painful mixture into my eyes."

You have a lot of sentence fragments written the same way, which is a habit a LOT of amateur authors fall into. Mind you, nothing bad is intended with the word amateur, just saying.

Moving forward, there doesn't seem to be any character building or involvement with anyone we meet. They're sort of just cardboard cutouts being used as puppets for an end goal, the end goal here being sex. But since I don't know who these characters are, I have no reason to care what happens to them, and even their vocal exchanges seem superficial and thrown together. It doesn't feel relatable at all. I feel like I'm watching a conversation being held between two people on Runescape or something.

My constructive criticism? Try to make the characters understandable and more dimensional. Show us a reason we should care about who they are and what they're doing. Try and make their conversation a bit more realistic instead of "I want drugs" "Okay come with me" "Okay"

By the way, if you've ever seen a heroin user (and believe me, I live in the city, I totally have), you'll know there's totally a way they act and present themselves that's just... Off. Could be a nervous tic, could be their eyes darting everywhere, could be a general paranoia or talking to themselves, but fuck, it's weird to watch. These peeps seem like just normal people at a mall exchanging phone numbers.

I dunno. That's just me. I tried to help.

Tried to read the rest. The sex was really hard to follow and almost impossible to understand. The constant "Yeeeaa Mike FUCK THAT WHORE GOOD" "Ahhhhhhh, OOOOOO, OOO GOD,MMMMMmmmm, im cummumg i'm cumming I OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH"
"MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE, I, I, I, IM CUUUUUUUMMMMMMMIIIIIIING" "Aaahhhh...Ooooooh ...Mmmmm" "Ooooo...AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

... Just, euugh..

And the story switched perspective halfway through?

Is English your second language?

Or one could start with careful: "Careful not to rub it into my eyes, I took a moment. . . "