quiet despair

I have a problem. I am tired of living.

I have been a fuckup most of my life, yet I find myself in a nicely comfortable situation. My partner loves me madly, even though I've been a shit for years. We're doing very well now, with lots of good sex (except when I cause unwanted pain). My partner supports me fully. I have grandkids who love me, a daughter who tolerates me, an incredible son-in-law, other family I'm on good terms with, etc. Our liviing situation is comfy but not rich. My life sits on a silver-plated platter.

I also hurt. Much pain, not all treatable with meds. I know that my future includes blindness, deafness, dementia, and immobility. My meds may prevent strokes. I sure hope so; I'm much more willing to die than to be a vegetable.

What don't I have? Friends. Hope. Lack of pain. Anyone I can talk to about my feelings. (Can't tell my partner without provoking a serious reaction. Can't tell anyone else because it won't stay confidential.)

I don't think I'm asking for help here. I guess I'm just venting, or processing. Or maybe I'm asking: What do you do when you don't care about living?

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

A couple of quick thoughts before I head to bed:

1) It sounds like you might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist who can assess for meds and provide talk therapy (if not, a psychiatrist + a good therapist would be the right combo for that). There are mental health pros who specialize in chronic diseases and pain, so it may be in your best interest to seek them out if you feel your depression is more situational to those issues and/or those are big issues for you. And unless your laws are vastly different than ours, whatever you might discuss in therapy will be confidential, with a couple of specific exceptions.

2) Have you considered checking out some support groups for your conditions, both IRL and online? My husband and I attend an autism support group monthly, and it's a great help to talk with others who understand the ups and downs of having an autistic loved one, share resources, and just vent. It's different talking to people who truly get what you're experiencing, you know? Hell, even post on one of the chronic pain support threads here; while I think a more formal support group/system has the potential to be much more helpful, a thread would be a start.

3) What DOES make you feel good, particularly about yourself? Do you have a hobby or three? Can you volunteer or contribute to something you believe in in some way? Can you give 5 genuine compliments and purposeful acts of kindness daily? Connect with your sprituality/beliefs better? Have a good laugh at least once a day? Figure out what might make you feel good, try it, and focus on those positive feelings (as a fellow chronic pain and situational depression sufferer, I know that's easier said than done, but it's important).

in all seriousness..
this warrants a trip to the emergency room.
Let someone help you who can be objective and get you to a safe place while you get things together.

Counseling/therapy, antidepressants, mindfulness, meditation, write down three things you are grateful for each day for a month, exercise, volunteer, forget yourself and focus on making others happy...

Friends are grossly over-rated and a pain in the ass most of the time. I have no friends I can name, tho I had many in my youth and prime.

The problem with death is you cant predict what youre likely to miss leaving the party early. Most likely the host pissed in the punch, but you never know.

Hipoxia, I don't know if my two cents will make any difference but here goes. I know what pain is and suffer from it daily to one degree or another. I have burned 26% of my body in a fire, I have been shot, suffer some PTSD had cancer cut out twice amoung other things that I have done to my body over the years. I was at one point were I did not care if I woke up in the morning to say the least. I did seek some counceling but not sure if it made any real long term help but it was not a waste of time; but this is not to speak about me really. It is to show you that everyone is going through something every day. You may look at someone, see them, and never know what they have been through or struggling with. Some more than others. You sound like you may be more than some. You did mention some of the good things and it sounds like life around you is pretty much okay, enjoy it. Think about the the grand kids......what do you want then to say and think about thier Grandpa? Even above that, look at all the good things you mentioned. Most would envy that. I'm not a bible thumper(and God knows I'll never be on a Holy Card) but Death has a unique way of sneaking up on us. Tomorrow is not promised, but if you know the end my be in sight you have been given a gift. You can close loose ends, tell people what you want done or feel. You may wonder why you are here. Must be a reason cuz you beat out a million other sperm to get here. Hang in there and see what the out come is, you my find it very interesting and more rewarding than you think. If you need to talk, PM me. STRC

The problem is...when you're in the middle of that quiet despair it's hard to remember that you have friends, things to be hopeful for, people that love you and reasons to live.

It's time to ask for help.

SunDevilGirl said:

The problem is...when you're in the middle of that quiet despair it's hard to remember that you have friends, things to be hopeful for, people that love you and reasons to live.

It's time to ask for help.

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What she said.

I think you're seeing things askew. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say you have nothing to worry about, or that your feelings don't matter. They do. But the very state of mind you're in is interfering with your ability to see things as they really are. That's what you need other people for: to give you reality checks. They can often see things about you more clearly than you can.

I also suspect that you may be covering this up, not only with your partner but with your other relatives. Honesty, however uncomfortable in the short run, usually turns out to be the best policy.

One more thing: you've been a good wife and a good mother. You have people who love you. Exactly how does that make you a fuckup? It seems to me that you're a success in what really matters in the end.

I made a mistake and thought "Hypoxia" was Male. Not that my responce would be any different but now I guess I know.

It's hard to get good advice online and not that we actually know you or know anything but...look at a support group, get Counseling...it's cheaper than a psychiatrist... find a personal mission in life as well. . It could be opening your own business, saving for that trip to Thailand to see an ancient temple or moving to Australia for a year or getting a degree. When You focus on a mission and do that everyday it helps take your mind of the pain. Life becomes tolerable. There's so much we don't know about you or your situation...you're going to be alright!

I'm not trying to be an asshole here, OP, but aren't you super inconsiderate to my personal issues with depression and loneliness? Don't all of your posts on my threads consist of the same theme - to get over it and do something besides whine about it?

I find this a bit ironic.

Though I do sympathize with you. I feel similarly... Well except for the fact that I have NOBODY. So at least be happy that you have someone.

Hypoxia

My two cents as a non-professional. It sounds like you have some very serious issues to face. It's not like the usual day to day pain in the ass things that everybody faces from time to time that might be helped by some sympathetic words here or from your local bartender. I have down times, everybody does and we get some good words or jabs in the ribs and we get over it. You my friend either are looking for a lot of sympathy or do indeed have some big issues to face. It would be better to not face them alone. You say you can't go to your partner so it might be best to either try a professional therapist or as Erica said, some sort of support group that you might locate through a therapist or a church.

Good luck. Nobody should have to face bad times alone.

Thank you all for your responses. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, it's been a busy day.

I want to say that I'm not suicidal, just weary. I wasn't trying to whine here, just vocalize. Yes, I'm hiding my feelings from family because... I just am. Yes, my medical problems seem resistant to treatment. Yes, I have seriously considered the exit option, but haven't thought of a good way that would cause the least pain to those around me. Yes, I have considered therapy. And I try not to trick myself with bogus rationalizations or excuses.

I think my next step here will be to look for support groups. Thanks again for everything.

--Hypoxia [gasp!]

Stop being so god damn selfish. my daughter killed herself just before her 30 birthday, She is out of pain but I have lived with the pain of her death for 17 years now. Her name, my beautiful girl, was April. Yesterday my wife was talking about getting the spare bedroom ready for my brother's visit.She said "We better get the bedroom ready, April's coming!" I swear to god, for millisecond I hoped. . .

Ask those who love you hat they think of the idea. Ask them to help you and see what they say

This may help.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

robertreams said:

Stop being so god damn selfish. my daughter killed herself just before her 30 birthday, She is out of pain but I have lived with the pain of her death for 17 years now. Her name, my beautiful girl, was April. Yesterday my wife was talking about getting the spare bedroom ready for my brother's visit.She said "We better get the bedroom ready, April's coming!" I swear to god, for millisecond I hoped. . .

Ask those who love you hat they think of the idea. Ask them to help you and see what they say

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You've really spent 17 years blaming your daughter for choosing not to live? Don't you think you're also being selfish in this scenario?

robertreams said:

Stop being so god damn selfish. my daughter killed herself just before her 30 birthday, She is out of pain but I have lived with the pain of her death for 17 years now. Her name, my beautiful girl, was April. Yesterday my wife was talking about getting the spare bedroom ready for my brother's visit.She said "We better get the bedroom ready, April's coming!" I swear to god, for millisecond I hoped. . .

Ask those who love you hat they think of the idea. Ask them to help you and see what they say

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I'm sorry that this happened to you, and I respect that it must be an awful thing to carry. But telling people they're "selfish" for considering suicide isn't helpful.

People consider suicide because they can't see a way past the bad in their life. Calling them selfish doesn't solve that problem; it just gives them one more thing to feel bad about.

When my mother was dying she made it clear to us that she didn't want to be kept alive in pain without dignity. I never felt that she "owed" it to us to stay alive regardless of the cost, and I still don't get that mindset; her life was her life to continue or end on her own terms.

Sheana_V said:

This may help.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

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That...is one of the most pathetic, saddest things I've ever read.
Thank you for sharing.
I think I'll go hang myself now...

sunandshadow said:

You've really spent 17 years blaming your daughter for choosing not to live? Don't you think you're also being selfish in this scenario?

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I didn't get that from his post at all. He didn't say he blamed her, he said that he lives with the pain every day. That's not difficult to understand; can't imagine the pain but I can understand it.


To robertreams, I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter, April.


To Hypoxia, I see the need to vent at times. It seems you're clear about it all...IMHO that's a huge part of coping.

Cathleen said:

I didn't get that from his post at all. He didn't say he blamed her, he said that he lives with the pain every day. That's not difficult to understand; can't imagine the pain but I can understand it.


To robertreams, I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter, April.


To Hypoxia, I see the need to vent at times. It seems you're clear about it all...IMHO that's a huge part of coping.

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Personally, I don't wait until the need to vent chokes me. Why should anyone. If you have to get something off your chest the sooner the better

There's a reason that physical pain is effective torture. It is the fastest way to break the spirit, which is, after all the point of torture.

So I don't think it's hyperbole to see this chronic pain in that way. The word torture get's thrown about kind of lightly. I see it as methodical, insidious, persistent.

Being weary of all that is reasonable.

I've never had to deal with pain on a long-term basis. I've been in excruciating pain for a matter of weeks, followed by episodic pain of rehabilitation and the like...not the same at all...I could always grit my teeth and mutter "this too shall pass."

It sounds like your situation is chronic with no respite in this life so suicidal ideations are not unpredictable. Is this something that your medical people have probed you gently about?

Unrelated to physical pain, I used to have them when I was young. I thought they were 'normal'. Or at least I wanted them to be. I never spoke of them to anyone sort of superstitiously. As if I gave those thoughts voice it would make them more real.

hmmm...I am minimizing here..to be candid- I get them on occasion, still. I decided long ago that there are no circumstances that I would follow that urge, so I FEEL like they aren't there, but I have to admit they are sometimes.

I think your idea of a support group is a good one. I think others with chronic pain issues will understand your weariness, and not belittle it as some cry for attention, which it is not.

Sheana_V said:

This may help.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

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That blog tells people more about what clinical depression is like than a thousand self-help books.

Ally Brosch nailed it.

Yeah, it's kind of a down, Burning Monkey, but it's truth. And one of main things it says is that sometimes the veil lifts, and you see things differently than before, and that's a good sign. It's a reminder that life isn't always despair, there's a little room for joy and silliness here and there, if you don't close yourself to it.

I wish I had magic advice, but others have touched upon a lot of good ideas. One of the things I do suggest is to find a pain management clinic, run of the mill doctors will try and cure the pain, but pain management specialists have all kinds of treatments and techniques to help you deal with it, friends of mine with issues like fibromyalogia (sp?) and screwed up backs and such swear by the help they have gotten through pain management. I have and continue to deal with my own issues, that while not physical but are more emotional/mental, at times leave me feeling weary, worn out, shot so I can sympathize and empathize with what is probably even more difficult. Talking to others, whether a therapist or at a support group, will help you a lot I would bet, and if you have some sort of hope that your pain can be managed it may help revive your will. The hardest part I have found with my own struggles is I can feel guilty for feeling like this, that with all my struggles I have a loving partner and an incredible kid, I have a well paying job that I am good at and am able to provide a lot of things many people can't, and so many people have it much worse, so why do I feel like this? If anything, try not to judge yourself, or make comparisons to how bad others have it, your feelings are real and you aren't being whiny. The fact that others may have it worse doesn't make any difference if you are overwhelmed and tired and weary, so please don't judge yourself

Hypoxia said:

Or maybe I'm asking: What do you do when you don't care about living?

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Is that a trick question? You don't do anything when you "don't care about living". You do something when you want to die. Killing yourself is a challenge, it takes effort to do right and it's (normally) only done by those who know what they want.

You can't talk away pain, nor count on time to make things better. Either you indulge yourself on things that will distract you enough to make you feel like life is ok (e.g., starting this thread), or suck it up and do your duty (act the part for your family). Also, get better drugs.

Life is pain. It takes no effort to make it suck. Sadness has no end, but happiness does end, happiness takes constant effort and self-delusion.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Friends are grossly over-rated and a pain in the ass most of the time. I have no friends I can name, tho I had many in my youth and prime.

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I agree with JBJ about friends. You can't count on people to have a positive effect on your life. The same hand that comforts, strikes. You can't count on "friends" to actually listen, to not make assumptions about what you feel/think, nor to respect what you want (to make the pain go away). Most people will try to convince you that killing yourself is bad and wrong, because they want to feel good about themselves.

Hypoxia said:

I have a problem. I am tired of living.

I have been a fuckup most of my life, yet I find myself in a nicely comfortable situation. My partner loves me madly, even though I've been a shit for years. We're doing very well now, with lots of good sex (except when I cause unwanted pain). My partner supports me fully. I have grandkids who love me, a daughter who tolerates me, an incredible son-in-law, other family I'm on good terms with, etc. Our liviing situation is comfy but not rich. My life sits on a silver-plated platter.

I also hurt. Much pain, not all treatable with meds. I know that my future includes blindness, deafness, dementia, and immobility. My meds may prevent strokes. I sure hope so; I'm much more willing to die than to be a vegetable.

What don't I have? Friends. Hope. Lack of pain. Anyone I can talk to about my feelings. (Can't tell my partner without provoking a serious reaction. Can't tell anyone else because it won't stay confidential.)

I don't think I'm asking for help here. I guess I'm just venting, or processing. Or maybe I'm asking: What do you do when you don't care about living?

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For some reason, I thought you were much younger.

Anyway, recently, I thought I was going to be able to afford health insurance. But I couldn't. (My hours at work didn't increase like I thought it would). I'd been having a few health issues that concerned me, primarily thinking cancer had returned. So, I make an appointment with a doctor, with the plan I would get him to refer me to get some imaging done. A relative was going to help me with the expenses. Long story short, even though I've lost 12 pounds, he didn't take me seriously (besides knowing nothing about cancer). Basically, it was all in my head. I did leave with a prescription for an anti-depressant though. So, I still have the same symptoms, but at least I'm on a cheap anti-depressant.

It's hard to think clearly and stay optimistic when in constant pain. Have you tried medicinal mj? A RL support group of others with similar issues might be helpful.