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Old 02-11-2018, 11:55 AM   #51
Carnevil9
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Originally Posted by JasonClearwater View Post
Hey Carnevil9, this one's been nominated for an award (my first ever nomination for anything), and I'd love your take on it (and dead curious to see if you get the Frank Zappa reference).

It is GM, but the intention was to write a light-hearted psychological horror, where the victim wasn't a blonde woman. Just for a change. Inspired by the likes of the movie, Creep.

https://www.literotica.com/s/trapped...-outback-pt-02

Cheers,

Jase.
Trapped in the Outback Pt. 02 by JasonClearwater

You know that moment in a horror movie when everything changes? At first, the main character is scared, but they aren't really sure if they need to be scared or not. Is there really a monster? Or is it all in their mind and they are just being silly? To me, that's the best part of the movie; when it is still a psychological headjob on you. But then, that moment arrives where you know the monster is real. From then on, the tension changes from psychological to physical, and it loses a bit of its magic.

Well this story is all about the first part. You never really know if the killer is really a killer, or just a funny dude with a macabre sense of humor. At least, you don't know in Part II, which is all that I read. If it follows the example of the movie Creep, you won't know until the very last scene of the last chapter!

Apparently, one Australian dude has another Australian dude tied up in a remote cabin, and is taunting him and teasing him and threatening to kill him (and occasionally blowing him). The main character (the victim) is alternately scared shitless and horny as hell. The story is told from his first-person viewpoint, and he uses a steady stream of gallows humor to keep his sanity. The action and dialog are extremely well done, managing to sound natural and believable even in this barely-believable scenario.

Being the middle part of a three-part series, I can't judge the plot arc. This section was pretty much a vignette with a single scene, but it was taut and very well executed. I could smell the fear, and the sweat, and the character's uncertainty. I can't judge the sex, either, as gay-male-oral does nothing to get my motor running, but it certainly seemed well written.

And I'm ashamed to say that I did not get the Frank Zappa reference! A little hint, maybe?
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Old 02-11-2018, 04:08 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by Carnevil9 View Post
Trapped in the Outback Pt. 02 by JasonClearwater

You know that moment in a horror movie when everything changes? At first, the main character is scared, but they aren't really sure if they need to be scared or not. Is there really a monster? Or is it all in their mind and they are just being silly? To me, that's the best part of the movie; when it is still a psychological headjob on you. But then, that moment arrives where you know the monster is real. From then on, the tension changes from psychological to physical, and it loses a bit of its magic.

Well this story is all about the first part. You never really know if the killer is really a killer, or just a funny dude with a macabre sense of humor. At least, you don't know in Part II, which is all that I read. If it follows the example of the movie Creep, you won't know until the very last scene of the last chapter!

Apparently, one Australian dude has another Australian dude tied up in a remote cabin, and is taunting him and teasing him and threatening to kill him (and occasionally blowing him). The main character (the victim) is alternately scared shitless and horny as hell. The story is told from his first-person viewpoint, and he uses a steady stream of gallows humor to keep his sanity. The action and dialog are extremely well done, managing to sound natural and believable even in this barely-believable scenario.

Being the middle part of a three-part series, I can't judge the plot arc. This section was pretty much a vignette with a single scene, but it was taut and very well executed. I could smell the fear, and the sweat, and the character's uncertainty. I can't judge the sex, either, as gay-male-oral does nothing to get my motor running, but it certainly seemed well written.

And I'm ashamed to say that I did not get the Frank Zappa reference! A little hint, maybe?
Hey Carnevil,

Thank you so much for reviewing this story, and for confirming that I did manage to get some tension into this piece. I was tempted to go further, especially with the drill, but I'm always mindful of losing any sexual charge if it gets too grim. Something that's a personal goal - continuing to learn how to do this better.

Frank Zappa - admittedly, you'd likely have had to have just listened to Sheik Yerbouti (we had this album in my house growing up and it confused the hell out of me - I called it 'sheek yer-bout-ee until I was in my early twenties and no one bothered to explain the joke to me, although my oldest brother used to love getting me to repeat what I called it to his friends when they came around. Older brothers are arseholes):

The reference was to the track, 'Whatever happened to all the fun in the world?', which starts off: 'Larry's not with us anymore. He went on, you know. -laughter-. Yeah, he bit the big one'.

In Trapped, it's here:

I craned my neck, trying to find an angle where I could see him. "I thought someone else was living out here with you?"

"There was. Farm assistant named Larry. He's not with us anymore."


But as I say... subtle. But whenever I hear the name 'Larry', I hear, 'Whatever happened to all the fun in the world'.

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Old 02-13-2018, 11:19 AM   #53
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Thanks for the explanation. I'm not familiar with that particular song. Zappa has such a large catalog, it is difficult to know all of it!
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Old 02-15-2018, 02:49 PM   #54
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I know I can use all the feedback I can get. Can you review Roadside Blowjob ?
Roadside Blowjob by astuffedshirt_perv

This was one of those rare stories that I didn't want to end. I really, really wanted to see what would happened next! Most stories, I'm happy with whatever the author decides needs to be told, and figure anything untold doesn't really matter. But with this story, I was so caught up in the possibilities that it almost pissed me off when it ended!

It is the story of a college tutor helping a star athlete to make good enough grades to stay on the team. She is a naive and inexperienced girl, swept away by the glamour of the handsome athlete. Getting a little too enthusiastic, she inadvertently urges him into a compromising position with the local law enforcement. Feeling guilty, she offers up the only bargaining chip she has: her inexperienced sexuality.

The one sex act in the story was both degrading and exhilarating, to the main character and to the reader! Did I get a boner? Absolutely. The sex reaches a one-sided climax, but the questions which rose up in my mind were left hanging, like a giant squirt of jism poised in mid-air, and you can't help but wonder where it will land. But, like the ultimate showman, the author leaves us wishing for more.

Bottom line: This story was well written, well paced, with natural sounding dialog and characters that were very realistic. And a plot that sticks with you, wondering "what will they do now? What would *I* do?"
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Old 02-16-2018, 07:33 PM   #55
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I hope you have the time to review my story. I started a thread but have had no luck in responses. I've only posted 3 stories and they've received a lukewarm response. I'm not complaining, I have received extremely touching and encouraging pm's. Any critique would be appreciated on my last story as I thought my writing was improving. I'd like to hone my writing skills but it's difficult with zero feedback. Thanks in advance for your potential consideration.
https://www.literotica.com/s/party-favour-ch-02
Party Favour Ch. 02 by RocketLauncher

I've got to start by stating that this sort of BDSM story is really not my kink. So it could well have an incredibly erotic vibe to it that is just going over my head. But I certainly did not feel any sort of tingles from it. My guess is that the intention is to show a woman slowly descending into submissiveness. I did get that from it, and that arc is well done, especially in the very last paragraph.

There were some mechanical errors that made it difficult to read. For one, there are too many run-on sentences. Take the very first paragraph for instance. You throw too many facts and actions at the reader without giving them a break; that makes things difficult to absorb.

You also do not punctuate the dialog properly. Most punctuation mistakes I try to forgive, because generally I "knew what you meant." But your mistakes were often such that they made me misinterpret what you were trying to say. For example, this passage:

"You do Master, you do." She stammered the confusion and stinging slap bringing tears to her eyes.

I took the "She stammered..." as the beginning of a new sentence, but then it turned out not to be a new sentence at all, and I had to go back to read it all again. That sort of thing really takes one out of a story.

I know that an author doesn't want to repeat the same word over and over, and that's a good thing. But you have to use substitutes that make sense. At one point, you called Kitty's genitals her "erogenous zone," which is not technically incorrect, but it is kind of a jarring term to use, given the context.

Speaking of which, I thought you overused the word "cunt" throughout the story. I am not offended by the term, and it has its place, but generally it feels best when there is an element of degradation to its use. Certainly the entire story is about degradation, but when you are just providing a neutral factual bit of narration, I think a less loaded term would have worked better.

I don't mean to sound totally negative about this story. It has many good points. You have a great sense of detail and are good at describing them. And you are excellent at what I call "head hopping" - alternating points of view between the characters, which lets us get to know both of them inside and out. Many authors can't pull that off at all.

Bottom line: a decent effort, which could be made even better with some better mechanics. Keep writing!
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Old 02-16-2018, 07:44 PM   #56
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Could you review this one for me? I think it's underrated but It might just really suck balls.

https://www.literotica.com/s/lisas-revenge
I'm sorry, but that's a five page story. That is well over the limits of my meager attention span! Sorry, dude!
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Old 02-16-2018, 08:16 PM   #57
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Thanks Carnevil9 for the review

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-main-event-3
The Main Event by Jaxon16

This was an enjoyable little tale of a poker player whose luck with the cards seems to be directly tied to the length of his wife's hair. As he progresses higher and higher up the pyramid of the tournament, her hair has to get shorter and shorter to let him keep winning. It was very well written, well paced, and very naturalistic. It also brought back many great memories - I've eaten at the Mesa Grill myself, although Bobby Flay did not buy my meal!

I thoroughly enjoyed the unusual juxtaposition of hair shortness and poker luck, and kept chuckling at the absurdity of it all. My only quibble is that it kind of petered out at the end, without any sort of payoff. But then, I grew up on The Twilight Zone, and always expect a big twist ending, so maybe I'm just being a victim of my own expectations.

There was a bit of sex in the story, but it didn't seem very important to the plot or to the theme, it was just sort of there. But it did help to illustrate the special bond between the player and his wife, and was definitely sweet.

Overall, a fun little read, especially if you are a poker player. I only wish I'd been your editor, because I would have suggested changing the title to "The Mane Event." Hah!
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Old 02-16-2018, 08:56 PM   #58
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This is my first story. I have others that I am currently editing and some that I am writing but would love some feedback before I post anything else. I particularly need advice on creating a title. Thank you for reading. https://www.literotica.com/s/a-fishing-story-2
A Fishing Story by sammyrod

I'm surprised to hear that this is your first story, as it is very polished and well written. The action, imagery, dialog, and pacing are all top notch.

It isn't so much a story as a vignette; a brief and intense sexual encounter. What makes it interesting is that it takes place on a fishing boat on a river, and the author takes full advantage of the exotic location: letting us enjoy all of the unique sounds, smells, and sensations that go along with frisky fun on a small boat bobbing on a river. The sex is definitely hot and saucy (it passed the boner test with flying colors), which is good because there really isn't much else to it. We do get hints of a past between the two lovers, and that helps to give the encounter a bit of depth and mystery.

My only quibble is that twice you used the word message when I'm pretty sure you meant massage. But that is a tiny complaint about an otherwise very nice bit of writing.
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Old 02-16-2018, 09:37 PM   #59
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A Fishing Story by sammyrod

I'm surprised to hear that this is your first story, as it is very polished and well written. The action, imagery, dialog, and pacing are all top notch.
Hmmm. Went to read this on the back of Carnevil9's commendation...

The use of the word "totally" in the second line threw me out of the story, right there. Why do people even use that word? It's petty of me, but I react the same when anyone under the age of twenty-five uses the word, 'like' instead of 'said.'

And then, this:

Quote:
Lacy eventually makes her way to the parking lot and I don't even notice. She steps out of her car and walks down to the boat ramp. I'm still fishing and I haven't even noticed her presence.
No. If you're writing first person present tense you cannot write this. If he "doesn't even notice...and hasn't even noticed her presence," your narrator has NOT seen Lacy, thus cannot say he has.

This is fundamental writing stuff - I suggest you get this right soonest, so it doesn't became a bad habit later.
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Old 02-17-2018, 09:44 AM   #60
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Many thanks for the reviews

Thank you Carnevil9 and electricblue66 for the feedback. As a new contributor it is helpful to have others who are willing to point out mistakes and provide guidance.
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Old 02-17-2018, 10:02 AM   #61
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thank you for your kind words about Roadside Blowjob. I appreciate the work you put in.
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Old 02-17-2018, 11:00 AM   #62
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thank you for your kind words about Roadside Blowjob. I appreciate the work you put in.
You're welcome! But I gots to know..... did the tutor and the athlete "do it" on the way home?
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Old 02-17-2018, 12:18 PM   #63
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You're welcome! But I gots to know..... did the tutor and the athlete "do it" on the way home?
Certainly not on the way home, instead right to his room. And then a purely sexual event where he won't kiss her.
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Old 02-17-2018, 02:25 PM   #64
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If you are still doing reviews, can I ask for one? Eclipse Ch. 6. Fairly vanilla, but it was a lot of fun to write.
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Old 02-17-2018, 04:15 PM   #65
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CarnEvil - per my PM, I'm still hoping you'll give this one a look:
https://www.literotica.com/s/what-ha...bus-from-vegas


Many thanks!
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Old 02-18-2018, 01:46 AM   #66
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CarnEvil - per my PM, I'm still hoping you'll give this one a look:
https://www.literotica.com/s/what-ha...bus-from-vegas


Many thanks!
Sorry, I don't check my PMs very often. Thanks for putting it in the thread. I'll get to it in sequence. Being a big fan of nude beaches, and given your screen name, I'm looking forward to it!
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Old 02-18-2018, 01:52 AM   #67
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Hmmm. Went to read this on the back of Carnevil9's commendation...

The use of the word "totally" in the second line threw me out of the story, right there. Why do people even use that word? It's petty of me, but I react the same when anyone under the age of twenty-five uses the word, 'like' instead of 'said.'

And then, this:



No. If you're writing first person present tense you cannot write this. If he "doesn't even notice...and hasn't even noticed her presence," your narrator has NOT seen Lacy, thus cannot say he has.

This is fundamental writing stuff - I suggest you get this right soonest, so it doesn't became a bad habit later.
Thank you, electricblue66, for providing your feedback. I just want to let everyone know that ALL feedback is welcome! I am not jealous of this thread. If anyone wants to provide their own reviews or feedback on the stories offered up in this thread, please feel free! I'm sure the authors of the stories will appreciate any and all feedback. And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
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Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
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Old 02-18-2018, 08:45 AM   #68
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Hey Carnevil,

Thanks for the review, and I wish you were my editor. "The Mane Event" is perfect.

I wrote a haircut themed story on the old haircutting story site titled "Masks" based on the episode of the Twilight Zone. I am sure there are many stories on this site with themes similar to other episodes, or for new ones to be written. "A Game of Pool" comes to mind.
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Old 02-19-2018, 05:03 AM   #69
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Here you go... Enjoy!🌹 it’s the final/bonus chapter for “A Slut’s Triangle”
Transsexual/Cross dresser category. It’s really only 2 and a 1/3 pages, but it’s pretty good in my eyes.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-sluts-triangle-pt-24
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Old 02-20-2018, 07:56 PM   #70
Carnevil9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TightsDude View Post
First story, published a while back, but I have plans to write sequels and I could use some feedback.
https://www.literotica.com/s/tights-of-a-teacher
Tights of a Teacher by TightsDude

This was a clever little story with a fascinating concept, but a lot of problems with mechanics.

The main character is your standard awkward high school dude, who has the hots for one particular teacher. The teacher is into wearing tights, and the dude is into ogling chicks in tights. A match made in Heaven, right? The teacher catches him ogling her a bit too hard, and wants to meet him after school. Is he in trouble? Is he in for the time of his life? Well, we find out on page 2, but I won't give it away here.

There is a touch of magic in this story, as well as some pretty intense sex, and it ends on an ominous note implying that the best (and possibly the worst) is yet to come in a sequel. I liked the storytelling of this piece, but the writing needs some work. Here are some specific pieces of advice I would give the author:

1. There was way too much telling and not showing at the beginning, and too many unimportant descriptive details. I understand that the tights are the basis of the story, so those descriptions made sense. But there were other details that were more of a distraction.

2. The dialog was stilted and unnatural. The teacher often sounded like she was delivering a lecture from a podium, not having an intimate chat with a close companion.

3. The sex was difficult to follow. There was enough description that it still passed the boner test, but I wished I could picture better what the heck was going on. It sounded hot! But I was a bit confused.

4. There were too many rules of writing being broken. For one, you don't end a quote with a period, and then a capitalized "She said." It breaks up the flow in the reader's mind. And you don't have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. I know that these rules sound pedantic and arbitrary, but they are based on what readers have been taught to expect, and they allow the reader to look past the mechanics of the writing so that they can enjoy the meat of your story.

Still, despite these misgivings, I enjoyed the story quite a bit, and look forward to the eventual sequel chapters that were promised in the last few paragraphs.
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Old 02-20-2018, 09:12 PM   #71
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoBiteMe View Post
Sonia Ch. 01 - The Winter of our Discontent

It's a fetish story, specifically focusing on titfighting, and currently my 3rd highest rated one (the top two are later stories in other series). I'm guessing this is well outside your norm, but I would love any feedback.
Sonia Ch. 01 - The Winter of our Discontent by YoBiteMe

Well this was an odd little story. As the author surmised, it was well outside of my norm, but I gave it my best shot. It was about titfighting, an activity I had never heard of before.

The story is largely composed of narration, which I normally find to be a huge turnoff. But it was very well done, and totally worked for me. The narration was delivered by the husband of a champion titfighter, describing her bout against a much younger opponent. The narration was very detailed and easy to follow, and was filled with humor, alliteration, and dozens of different words for boobs. In some ways, it reminded me of listening to a sports announcer, narrating a title bout for a radio audience, and needing to be as descriptive as possible. In other ways, it reminded me of an old-time comedy routine, the type that Andy Griffith recorded during the fifties, when he was known more as a comedy monologist than an actor.

Most of the action involved two buxom ladies, one older and one younger, engaged in a spirited bout of titfighting, each trying to pummel the other into submission. It wasn't erotic in the least (at least, not to me, but such is the nature of a fetish), but it was amusing and made me smile. If you have the slightest inclination toward this fetish, I think you will enjoy it.
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Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
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Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
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Old 02-21-2018, 07:04 PM   #72
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Thanks for the review. I know my fetish is essentially a niche within a niche, with titfighting and sexfighting being the more sexualized offspring of catfighting, but I really appreciate the feedback on my writing. I think my subject matter naturally uses sexuality more as power than love, but there are some more traditionally sexualized stories (usually as stakes for the loser) in my Nora and Smother series.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carnevil9 View Post
Sonia Ch. 01 - The Winter of our Discontent by YoBiteMe

Well this was an odd little story. As the author surmised, it was well outside of my norm, but I gave it my best shot. It was about titfighting, an activity I had never heard of before.

The story is largely composed of narration, which I normally find to be a huge turnoff. But it was very well done, and totally worked for me. The narration was delivered by the husband of a champion titfighter, describing her bout against a much younger opponent. The narration was very detailed and easy to follow, and was filled with humor, alliteration, and dozens of different words for boobs. In some ways, it reminded me of listening to a sports announcer, narrating a title bout for a radio audience, and needing to be as descriptive as possible. In other ways, it reminded me of an old-time comedy routine, the type that Andy Griffith recorded during the fifties, when he was known more as a comedy monologist than an actor.

Most of the action involved two buxom ladies, one older and one younger, engaged in a spirited bout of titfighting, each trying to pummel the other into submission. It wasn't erotic in the least (at least, not to me, but such is the nature of a fetish), but it was amusing and made me smile. If you have the slightest inclination toward this fetish, I think you will enjoy it.
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Old 02-23-2018, 04:24 PM   #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xanaphia View Post
If you are still doing reviews, can I ask for one? Eclipse Ch. 6. Fairly vanilla, but it was a lot of fun to write.
Sorry, but I just couldn't get into this one. I felt like there was too much back story that I didn't understand. And reading five previous chapters was not an option. Maybe somebody else can tackle it?
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Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
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Old 02-23-2018, 05:41 PM   #74
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Haulover View Post
CarnEvil - per my PM, I'm still hoping you'll give this one a look:
https://www.literotica.com/s/what-ha...bus-from-vegas


Many thanks!
What Happens On The Bus From Vegas by Haulover

This was a sweet tale of an outwardly conservative couple who have a very healthy attitude toward sex. It didn't really have much of a plot, but rather took us through a number of seemingly random encounters in and around Las Vegas. But, it all culminated in the titular bus ride, where all the fragments that we were previously introduced to blend together into a grand climax. Several climaxes, in fact!

The story was very well written, with natural sounding dialog, believable characters, and a good balance between dialog and action. Although it was cleverly plotted, it never seemed contrived. In fact, if I had to point to a flaw, it would be that the little mini-episodes seemed kind of haphazard, unrelated, and random. I found myself wondering if they were actually going anywhere. They were, but I didn't know it until the end. It might have worked better to add some sort of thread to tie them together, like the main character dropping little foreshadowing hints. But that's a just a quibble; overall it worked well.

I hope it did well in the Valentine's contest!
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Newest Story! - You Have To Go To Mass! - How far will Mom go to convince her son to go to Mass with her?
The Mermaid - How DO you fuck a creature without a pussy?
Porn With The Wind - Plantation owner's daughter jonesing for some hot Slave Cock!
Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
An Hour Before The Wedding - She's not married just yet, and isn't wasting a minute of time

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Last edited by Carnevil9 : 02-23-2018 at 06:42 PM.
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Old 02-23-2018, 11:32 PM   #75
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MANY thanks, CarnEvil9 - kind words and high praise indeed.

In your honor, I will spin Brain Salad Surgery daily for the next week

But seriously - thanks again.
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