Reactions to rejection

Well, going through a break-up, and as usual, I find myself thinking self-destructive thoughts and wanting to do self-destructive things. Some examples: random hook-ups, eat too much, drink too much…put myself in dangerous situations. I don't really know if I have these thoughts and urges because I feel I need to be punished for failing, or if the rejection makes me feel worthless and like I should be treated as such.

I really don't mean this as a "pity party." I just want to find some insight to my feelings so I can try to change or redirect them. Yes I realize I have self-esteem issues. THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO BASH ME - I do a good enough job of that on my own. I just thought other people might want to share their experiences.

Does anyone else react similarly, or how to you deal with/react to rejection? Do you think your response to rejection is a positive coping mechanism or harmful? I am submissive, which is why I am posting in this forum, and I'm wondering if it is a submissive mindset or totally unrelated?

I think it isn't necessarily related. When I've been rejected I would ask myself, "why aren't I good enough?"

It was never that I wasn't "good enough" though, just incompatible. Had the relationship gone further, he would have just grown distant and I would have grown to be resentful. I'd rather someone leave me than stay with me being miserable.

Instead of doing self destructive things, try doing something you've never done before. Take a class, learn a new skill, or anything really. If you have a feeling of not being worthwhile, be constructive and use it to better yourself. Not that you are worthless or that your value rests on what others think (it doesn't) just that you can redirect the energy to something positive and less harmful.

I've always been one to look at a situation and figure out what could have been done differently. I also realize that it wasn't just me that was a problem. A relationship can't work one sided.

MeekMe said:

I think it isn't necessarily related. When I've been rejected I would ask myself, "why aren't I good enough?"

It was never that I wasn't "good enough" though, just incompatible. Had the relationship gone further, he would have just grown distant and I would have grown to be resentful. I'd rather someone leave me than stay with me being miserable.

Instead of doing self destructive things, try doing something you've never done before. Take a class, learn a new skill, or anything really. If you have a feeling of not being worthwhile, be constructive and use it to better yourself. Not that you are worthless or that your value rests on what others think (it doesn't) just that you can redirect the energy to something positive and less harmful.

I've always been one to look at a situation and figure out what could have been done differently. I also realize that it wasn't just me that was a problem. A relationship can't work one sided.

Click to expand...

Ditto. I'll just add that rejection is hard to deal with regardless of age. My current flame appears to have gone MIA. So, I'm trying to act like an adult and stay busy.

MeekMe said:

It was never that I wasn't "good enough" though, just incompatible. Had the relationship gone further, he would have just grown distant and I would have grown to be resentful. I'd rather someone leave me than stay with me being miserable.
...
I've always been one to look at a situation and figure out what could have been done differently. I also realize that it wasn't just me that was a problem. A relationship can't work one sided.

Click to expand...

What she said.

Also, it helps me to see the relationship as a third party because it's not you and it's not them, it's what you share that is born, and grows or doesn't. You are as whole as you were "before", even if the hurt would argue other wise.

I don't know if this will help or make sense to you, but try to allow the voices that you hear to be teachers more than just critics. Let this experience add to your life. Did you learn something about yourself in this relationship? Something about realtionship? Something about humanity? Measure what you have gained and embrace that and let the rest go because it really has no purpose for you anymore.

That said, break ups can be profoudly painful so also please try to be gentle with you. I'm an advocate of nourishing and hydrating yourself well while running these emotional healing marathons, so be mindful to feed and water yourself well. It really does help.

Take care.

As a pro Negative Self Talker, I know how hard it is to stop those thoughts. The best thing you can do to stop them is recognize them (and it seems you are on that path). Then you have to work with yourself to not do the negative self talk. It takes a lot of effort and time and practice. Still working on that myself so I have no easy solutions. Good luck. What the others said is very true as well.

CocksuckingSub81 said:

Well, going through a break-up, and as usual, I find myself thinking self-destructive thoughts and wanting to do self-destructive things. Some examples: random hook-ups, eat too much, drink too much…put myself in dangerous situations. I don't really know if I have these thoughts and urges because I feel I need to be punished for failing, or if the rejection makes me feel worthless and like I should be treated as such.

I really don't mean this as a "pity party." I just want to find some insight to my feelings so I can try to change or redirect them. Yes I realize I have self-esteem issues. THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO BASH ME - I do a good enough job of that on my own. I just thought other people might want to share their experiences.

Does anyone else react similarly, or how to you deal with/react to rejection? Do you think your response to rejection is a positive coping mechanism or harmful? I am submissive, which is why I am posting in this forum, and I'm wondering if it is a submissive mindset or totally unrelated?

Click to expand...

There were good times, I assume?
They are not invalid or less worth, just because they didn't go on infinitly.
Grief and pain will still take their time, but don't tell yourself that it was all for nothing, wasted time or whatever.

I think there's a difference between feelings of rejection due to a break up and feelings of self-destruction. If you were a friend of mine, I'd be concerned and suggesting you get some professional help. I wouldn't want my friend trying to deal with it on her own.

CocksuckingSub81 said:

Does anyone else react similarly, or how to you deal with/react to rejection? Do you think your response to rejection is a positive coping mechanism or harmful? I am submissive, which is why I am posting in this forum, and I'm wondering if it is a submissive mindset or totally unrelated?

Click to expand...

I am not submissive in the least but I have had lots of self-destructive impulses in my life. Usually either I don't see a clear trigger at all or it's multiple soul-crushing events at once. Can't really predict it, but it gets better eventually.

I will say that the majority of women I have been involved with, who are not submissive creatures outside of the bedroom, have been comfortable with the role when we were involved, and almost all of them have had depressive and sometimes self-destructive urges at times.

As far as rejection goes, while I've never particularly enjoyed it, just how heavy it felt varied depending on how intense the relationship was for me, whether or how much it took me by surprise, how much potential I feel was lost, and what else I am focusing on in life. When I feel like I have support and love from other people, or when I am heavily engaged in something I enjoy or feel fulfillment from, the blow is always easier - and these same conditions help me to recover. Some of the mental health professionals I have known have used a table as a metaphor - a 3-legged table may be stable, but lose a leg and it falls down. A 4-legged one can lose a leg and stand but becomes less stable. the more "legs" you have under your "table" in the form of friends, family, pets (at least to those of us who think of them as family), and productive or fulfilling things to focus on (my examples would be a good job, being musically active, studying a new subject I am engrossed in, spending regular time communing with nature or meditating), the more stable your table will be even if you lose a leg or two.

One door closes and another door opens.

I'm a sub and honestly rejection can hurt a lot. I tell myself it's their loss, pick myself up and start the next adventure sorta speak. The key is confidence, and knowing how special you are.
I hope you're okay =)

I'm not saying this will help but I will say that I know it has helped others in the past.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1188487

I don't think anybody likes rejection because it is the summation of failure. It doesn't matter if you are dom or sub, man or woman.

I think you might say; the more we are invested in a relationship, the harder the fall when the rug is pulled out from under us.

Don't beat yourself up too badly, but as someone else said, look at it as a learning experience and see what you can do better next time, but if there really isn't anything you did wrong, then just accept it as two jigsaw pieces that didn't fit that well together. No matter how hard you try to fit the two pieces together, it was fated to fail to begin with. So you aren't really at fault.

Don't despair in any event. People react to rejection differently, and you are probably just compensating in some way to experience life better to help in the healing process. Unless you are looking into playing Russian Roulette, I wouldn't worry about "life threatening challenges." Some people do rock climbing, or running with the bulls. As long as you use sensible precautions, it's just a way to remind yourself you are alive.

Personally I think being submissive can bring an entirely different level to the feeling of rejection. Especially if it's more or less a 24/7 dynamic in a monogamous relationship. We open ourselves up and give ourselves over almost completely to someone. Trust them with our very lives at times. We hear how we are theirs and feel how protective/possessive they are of us constantly. Then to be rejected it shatters so much more. The pain of feeling unworthy and then of being replaced can be unbearable.

I can't give much advice as I've been self destructive physically and emotionally when feeling that rejection from Him. But try to listen to what everyone has said and make it through. I believe everyone can find their mate(s) if they are honest with who they are, what they want, and are willing to keep searching until they find it.

I will echo what others have said -- regardless of what your position in the relationship is, it is painful when someone you have made a connection with goes MIA -- it leaves you feeling used and leads you to question your self worth. However, take comfort in knowing that a person who treats you this way is best left behind ... if you have to chase them, they aren't worth catching. Move on and try to learn from the experience ... even if what you learn is to be happy with who you are on your own.

Maybe it isn't you...

Maybe the other person is just a shithead.

Hipshot1554 said:

Maybe the other person is just a shithead.

Click to expand...

LOL...that is a distinct possibility.

Rejection

After my divorce, I met a beautiful, intelligent young woman. I had no rejection problems with my first wife, in fact I was thrilled to be rid of her. With the second young lady, when I lost my job I was afraid she was going to dump me as she had to two other guys. She told me she broke up with both of them because they were not going in the same direction as she was. Instead of sitting down to talk this over because I feared rejection, I dumped her.

In the following months I lost 30 pounds, lost my appetite and could not sleep. I went into deep depression. I even went as far as trying to commit suicide by car but a car cut across my path that had a whole family inside. I had to hit the brakes or I would have killed the driver and possibly one passenger. After that I slowly came out of my depression. I had been in the depression for six months. As a man, we are taught to suck it in, to man it up.

I did not turn to food, alcohol or drugs.