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Challenge: Road Trip

Mrtenant said:
Thank you Senna Jawa. I welcome your critique.
Click to expand...
Thank you, MrTenant, for your kind words.

This last piece of my "epic" road trip poem seemed to take a bit more editing than I usually do. Thanks again.
Click to expand...

Editing poems is a separate topic on its own. I believe in playing editing by ear.

It's nice for me to encounter new (new to me) authors. Reminds me of the old golden r.a.p. age when new poets were welcomed by the regulars.
 
captainman2018 said:
01.It -- 1
02.was while -- 2
03.we were on -- 3
04.this one back road -- 4 (or 4.6 syllables?)
05.that we had found a -- 5
06.van parked on the side of -- 6 (or 6.6 syllables?)
07.the road with the sound of this -- 7
08.one chick screaming for help which made -- 8
09.both of us open the back doors of -- 9
10.the van and see this guy with no pants on -- 10
11.shoving his stiff cock into the pussy -- 10
12.of this one babe who was naked and -- 9 (or 8.8 syllables)
13.with her wrists tied tightly to -- 7
14.each other and tears out -- 6
15.of her eyes as she -- 5
16.said with her own -- 4 (or 4.4 syllables)
17.noiseless lips, -- 3
18."Please... Help -- 2
19.Me!" -- 1

----------

Total Line Count: 20 <== If you count the title line too.
Click to expand...

You, capt, are a poor accountant.
Your devoid of any value text is somehow insensitive anyway
-- a dubious achievement.
 
Last edited:
repost from Hi Ku Cat

Parts Hunt

Road Trip, slamming day,
fast, fast, fast, a race,
down hill, interstate,
baptized in Nashville,
baked at the auto pick but got the parts,
lunch and a long haul at speed,
Camry humming, baby's face,
slip into town, shop w/haste,
hit the road,
home safe.
 
02-24-2018

A Night by the Big Muddy

So the 200 mile dash took a detour,
fair graces became sour,
hour after hour after hour,
search out the dead in the rain,
leave them flowers.

Sun by the river,
towers and broken cobble stones,
good news on the eighth floor,
lack luster in the lobby,
retreat,
run away home, shut the door,
shower, sleep.
 
Flat Tire Seven

On Tacky Hot Tubs

I couldn't wait to get you there
Your hands upon the wheel
A surge of need propels us on
and up into the Appalachian cool
evening air is fresher there
and made for lovers' strolls
our hands entwined to bring us in
the chill of conditioned space

Our laughter spilled over the rim
as we mentioned the modern decore
but oh that heart shaped ruby spa
recalled an explicit watching binge
a feast of porn and indulgence of lust
alone in single rooms with our hands
slickened with KY lube and spittle
we wished was someone else.
 
Oftimes now whenever I should fall asleep,
I dream of you and how our youth was spent
chasing rainbows it seems was our intent,
making memories that were only ours to keep.

But death's dark hallows now about you creep
and scalding tears my only bitter love's lament,
as from my loving arms my aching heart is rent.
I can't follow you through ragged crags so steep.

If you should travel thus so far away from me
and even adoration can't heed my plaintive call,
only one place can keep you close it seems.

There is a place where together we are free
I'll find you whatever now upon us shall befall.
Your love and mine each night within my dreams.
 
first the road trip
first the preparation
first the house
seems to explode
in a flurry of gear
and food
and charts
and...where is my???

dehydrated cream corn
packed in a ziploc
my mouth waters
thinking of the corn fritters you will make me
some days from now

Remember the passports
and the checklist
get cash in BC
pretty money in my pocket
grinning as we break
at the tap room
beer and fish 'n chips
greasy fingers shine

somehow I can always breath more freely
when the road stretches before me
asphalt winds into the wilderness
and beckons me to new delights
gritty hotels and multi-color sunsets

let's go again
the road calls.
 
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