(How I Met My Husband Series) Feedback Appreciated

I’ve written two parts so far. More to follow, but I’d like to find out what people think.

https://www.literotica.com/s/how-i-met-my-husband-ch-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/how-i-met-my-husband-ch-02-1?page=2

Just an overview. The story is about when I met my husband, who is a cuckold. How he became my submissive and the fun we had together and apart.
I quickly found out he loved the fact that I’m a slut and he encouraged me to sleep with other men and tell him about it.

Third instalment awaiting publication.

Well written and from the pussy !

DandJ69 said:

Third instalment awaiting publication.

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A great story and well written, can really feel your competing emotions and how the mist slowly clears to reveal a sexual destiny.

Everyone's taste is different, but to me a story beginning with "Hi, I'm Jessica, I'm a 34 year old brunette with big tits and an even bigger sexual appetite" makes it impossible for me to continue reading. The first sentence introduces the voice of the story, and this is a porn-cliché voice of a "woman" that leaves me not want to hear what else she has to say. So in terms of feedback I cannot give much on the rest--maybe it picks up and becomes captivating as the story progresses--but this first sentence is where you lost me.

tomlitilia said:

Everyone's taste is different, but to me a story beginning with "Hi, I'm Jessica, I'm a 34 year old brunette with big tits and an even bigger sexual appetite" makes it impossible for me to continue reading. The first sentence introduces the voice of the story, and this is a porn-cliché voice of a "woman" that leaves me not want to hear what else she has to say. So in terms of feedback I cannot give much on the rest--maybe it picks up and becomes captivating as the story progresses--but this first sentence is where you lost me.

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I did not react that negatively, but I agree it was a problem. Not only was the voice cliched, but it carried a flippant tone that held the action at a distance.

Take this segment for example:

He was wearing a dark shirt and jeans, smart-casual I guess you'd call it. He was clean shaven and he smelt good enough to fuck.

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The "I guess you'd call it" is a sort of narrative speed bump. I don't know I'd call it that or not. What would you call it, it's your story. How about, "He was clean shaven, dressed in jeans and a dark shirt in smart casual style. He smelled good enough to fuck."

The story moves along fast. You could certainly slow down a bit, use a more natural voice and give us more detail.

I think, from what I read, that with some effort, you could write a much stronger story.

Some more chapters added

I’ve added some more chapters to this.
Also my husband is currently writing his “Adventures with Lisa” series, about his cuckold beginnings. Just a plug.


https://www.literotica.com/s/adventures-with-lisa-ch-01

https://www.literotica.com/s/adventures-with-lisa-ch-02

How I Met my Husband. Chapters 3,4 & 5

https://www.literotica.com/s/how-i-met-my-husband-ch-03-1

https://www.literotica.com/s/how-i-met-my-husband-ch-04-1

https://www.literotica.com/s/how-i-met-my-husband-ch-05

Hope you all like xxx

MelissaBaby said:

Not only was the voice cliched, but it carried a flippant tone that held the action at a distance.

You could certainly slow down a bit, use a more natural voice and give us more detail.

I think, from what I read, that with some effort, you could write a much stronger story.

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Pretty much my thoughts. This reads like a first draft, with just the broad outlines. A rewrite might bring focus to the characters, along with some personal nuance.
I think there are some interesting ideas in there, they just need to be cultivated.

And that opening line has got to go. It reads like a Penthouse Forum story that a guy pretending to be a woman would write.