Old 01-06-2018, 02:55 PM   #1
tonystokeswriter is offline
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First erotic story

I have published other books and articles, but this is my first effort at erotica. Not really fiction as this and any others I post are accounts of real incidents with enough changed to keep individuals anonymous. Be cause I travel a lot I am able to throw in a little international color. most importantly my ex provides her perspective on the escapades in which she was involved. I appreciate comments and feedback.
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Old 01-06-2018, 03:02 PM   #2
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SamScribble is offline
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You might be better off posting this in the Story Feedback forum.

Oh ... and welcome.
‘Writing is the ultimate decision-making experience. Every paragraph, every sentence, every word, is a decision.’ – Michael Bremer
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Old 01-06-2018, 03:43 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by SamScribble View Post
You might be better off posting this in the Story Feedback forum.

Oh ... and welcome.
And after you've posted that in the Story Feedback Forum, do come back for a coffee and to introduce yourself and chat about writing and stuff. We're a mostly friendly crowd
Chloe Tzang

All of Chloe Tzang's stories can be found here
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And Chloe's first novel, "Mistaken Identity", is also now available (on that website that sells books)
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Old 01-06-2018, 04:44 PM   #4
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The Story Feedback forum is the right place for this as Sam and Chloe said. But as long as you're here, I gave "Two Perspectives" a read.

To be honest, I found it kind of dry and matter-of-fact. I'm guessing the books and articles you've published have been more technical or factual in nature. Your grammar and punctuation and such were all flawless, though. I didn't spot a single typo, so as far as technical proficiency as a writer goes, you're top notch. But the story kind of read like an after-action report. Consider the rule "Show them, don't tell them" to make your writing paint a mental picture rather than just reporting on the events that occurred.

You spent a lot of up-front words on background stuff that wasn't really relevant to the story. I'm guessing your intent was to convince the reader that this is all true and that it really happened. I don't think a lot of readers care; I know I don't. There are so many ridiculous, over-the-top stories in Literotica the authors claim are "true" that the more time you spend trying to convince me, the less likely I am to believe you. In future stories, I'd suggest leaving out all the background and just jumping right to the story. Let the truth and the realism of the story come through in the writing. Put the background stuff in your bio page.

The sex you described was all very hot and erotic, but you frequently broke away from it with asides and character factoids that didn't really contribute anything, and broke the rhythm. I'm all in favor of well developed, complex characters, and your story has them, but it might have been a better idea to develop the characters and their personalities first through the small-talk and socializing so that you didn't break up the sex scenes with tangents.

The idea of writing first from your perspective and then re-telling the same story from Linda's perspective was an interesting device. I actually thought that worked really well. I would have liked to have seen Linda's perspective on the pre-sex socializing as well.

Overall, it was not a bad story, but it did not come alive for me. It sounds like you have a lot more stories to tell, and I think with some practice and some focus on "Showing them" you can be really successful. Best of luck and don't give up.
My latest story:
Springer Mountain Bride (Romance; 10 pages)
After the night we shared, I never thought I'd see her again.

The rest of my prosaic little stroke stories
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Old 01-07-2018, 06:34 PM   #5
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I kind of agree, although I didn't expect to. I often find myself at odds with other people's assessments.

It states in the intro that you're a retired cop, well the story reads like a statement.

I find it illuminating to leave a story after it's completed for at least 3 weeks, then read it again. I've forgotten much of the detail in that time and I pick up a lot of stuff with those fresh eyes. Style, grammar, typos the lot. Sometimes I'll pretty well re-write the whole lot, sometimes bin it all. Mostly though I'll amend the rubbish bits.

A personal thing: I try not to write formal descriptions of the characters. I'll drop in specific details as and when they become relevant. I find that it flows better that way.
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Old 01-07-2018, 10:11 PM   #6
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SimonDoom is offline
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Welcome and congratulations on your first story.

A few thoughts:

1. I agree with what LoquiSordidaAdme says, above.

2. Everything you do in a story, every choice you make, should have a purpose. Why did you want to tell this story from two perspectives? What does it add to the story? There should be some purpose behind having two perspectives. They might contrast sharply with one another, and be interesting from that perspective. They might recall events differently, creating where the reader has to figure out what's real and what's not. Or they might be getting to know one another, in which case you can see through their perspectives how they get closer to one another. None of these situations really applies here.

3. How do the two perspectives come together? Why does Tony want Linda to write down her perspective? What's the purpose of that.

4. Another way of handling two perspectives is to put the story in third person omniscient. It allows you, the narrator, to get into their heads without creating the device of gathering two narratives together.

5. There's too much background. It slows down and weakens the story. Instead of starting with lots of set up, start your story at the beginning of the party, or, better still, right in the middle of a hot sex scene in the middle of the party. That will draw the reader in, and then you can interlace background information throughout the narrative rather than putting so much of it at the beginning.

6. Not everyone's going to agree with me on this, and you may not, and that's your prerogative, but I strongly feel that a story about hot sex, without more, is not erotic. You need something more, something that gives the story an erotic purpose. A woman or a man going to their first swinging or group sex party is erotic. But two people with lots of experience going to yet another group sex party is not erotic, unless something unusual happens, something new, something dramatic, something they haven't experienced before. It's not what happens that's erotic, it's how the characters experience and feel about what happens that makes it erotic, and if they are not experiencing something unusual, something new, something dramatic, something funny, then the story lacks dramatic interest. If you've had lots of interesting sex experiences, and you want to write about them, think about how you FELT during some of the more interesting ones, and why. Make that the focus of the story. The rest will follow. I'm sure you've had some interesting feelings about these experiences.

For instance, I was a lot more curious about your having sex with Linda in her husband's office than I was in the swinging party. That sounded weird and dangerous and very naughty -- good story material. Were you conflicted about it? Did you ever feel guilty? Were you addicted to risk? Those are questions that can lead to good stories.

Anyway, good luck with future stories!
My stories are at https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions.
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