Just feel like venting

My sex life is non-existent. My partner of 7 years has told me our sex life is terrible because

1. he is not attracted to my body anymore - I have gotten soft
2. I say no to "everything" that he wants to do
3. he can't make me orgasm, so what's the point anyway

He's decided that he wants to stay with me because I'm a "good partner" and a "good person." I'm stable, financially, but apparently boring.

I'm frustrated because his body has changed to, and I still find him attractive. I'm frustrated because I feel like I can't say no to something because he completely shuts down. I'm frustrated because I can't orgasm without a vibe... I've never been able to. I'm just wired differently, have a higher threshold or something. I'm tired of having to take care of his ego. He's decided that sex just isn't worth it anymore, so why bother trying at all.

He's decided that I'm "boring" even though I don't think he knows me very well.

I'm just tired of being told how unattractive and boring I am, and then being made to feel like I deserved it because I hurt his ego.

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch and I hope it improves soon.

I was with my wife for 7 years and married for 4. We had an amazing sex life prior to being married and then it vanished. We basically had sex maybe once a month which was unbearable but I was happy because I loved her. She would always have an excuse..she was tired, had a headache, wasn't in the mood. Then it all made sense when she told me she had been cheating on me for 2 years.

Do what is best for you but it seems like he is only worried about himself. Sounds like you're sort of settling and I'm positive you're not boring. I'm sure you're a beautiful woman and definitely sounds like you deserve better! Stop worrying about him and take care of yourself.

You've said why he wants to stay with you. The bigger question is why do you want to stay with him? I'd rather be alone than be made to feel guilty every day over someone else's fragile ego. I say kick his ass to the curb!

OH Boy,

See this what happens to lots of relationships... She gets tired of his immature, selfish & stupid shit. She ends up somewhere maybe a little tipsy and some Decent looking dude who knows how to treat a lady pays her some attention and maybe makes a pass or a suggestion and the next thing... juices are flying everywhere and she realizes that She doesn't need that sorry ass, limp dicked bastard and not only can survive without him, she can have a damned good time doing it!

What? I help when I can...

Belle_Nuit said:

My sex life is non-existent. My partner of 7 years has told me our sex life is terrible because

1. he is not attracted to my body anymore - I have gotten soft
2. I say no to "everything" that he wants to do
3. he can't make me orgasm, so what's the point anyway

He's decided that he wants to stay with me because I'm a "good partner" and a "good person." I'm stable, financially, but apparently boring.

I'm frustrated because his body has changed to, and I still find him attractive. I'm frustrated because I feel like I can't say no to something because he completely shuts down. I'm frustrated because I can't orgasm without a vibe... I've never been able to. I'm just wired differently, have a higher threshold or something. I'm tired of having to take care of his ego. He's decided that sex just isn't worth it anymore, so why bother trying at all.

He's decided that I'm "boring" even though I don't think he knows me very well.

I'm just tired of being told how unattractive and boring I am, and then being made to feel like I deserved it because I hurt his ego.

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You're 25, according to your profile. This is the kind of guy you want to be stuck with? He doesn't sound too accommodating, or adventurous. Imagine what it would be like after 25 more years.

Some folks live miserable lives because they feel the worst thing ever would to be all alone.

But I don't think this is true.

I think it is worse to be with someone who makes you feel all alone. Far worse.

Is it possible that he's trying to get you to do the dirty work of breaking up with him by putting you down? I've heard of guys especially* doing that before - they either exaggerate existing faults in the relationship or come up with brand new reasons to be irritated with their partner, then act totally immature and/or unreasonable while hoping they will incite said partner to leave. Sometimes--perhaps frequently--they're cheating during this time, and wish to feel a little less asshole-ish by not dumping their partner on top of the cheating. I obviously don't know you two or your detailed situation, but you might be wise to consider these possibilities. Men typically don't pass up even mediocre sex unless they're trying to accomplish something, they're getting it elsewhere, or they have no desire.

It sounds like a terrible situation for you, and I also wonder what's in the relationship for you going forward, considering your partner isn't being loving, respectful or even just decent to you. Are you taking good care of yourself during this stressful period? Are you getting help from a counselor or trusted adviser? If not, you might seriously consider checking in with a professional; perhaps they'll have some insight on why your partner is doing this, why you've been staying and where you want to go from here.

*Don't jump on me. I'm sure plenty of women do the same, and way worse, I've just heard of more men trying to pull this particular stunt.

you're way too young to stay this fucking long with someone so lame. if he truly is the "man of your dreams", you need new dreams, stat.

ed

Belle_Nuit said:

My sex life is non-existent. My partner of 7 years has told me our sex life is terrible because

1. he is not attracted to my body anymore - I have gotten soft
2. I say no to "everything" that he wants to do
3. he can't make me orgasm, so what's the point anyway

He's decided that he wants to stay with me because I'm a "good partner" and a "good person." I'm stable, financially, but apparently boring.

I'm frustrated because his body has changed to, and I still find him attractive. I'm frustrated because I feel like I can't say no to something because he completely shuts down. I'm frustrated because I can't orgasm without a vibe... I've never been able to. I'm just wired differently, have a higher threshold or something. I'm tired of having to take care of his ego.

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Unfortunately guys often get taught that being able to bring a woman to orgasm is a sign of their studliness. Truth is, lots of women out there need to self-stimulate to reach orgasm. If he can learn to accept that as a fact of nature and not about him, maybe he won't take it as an affront to his ego.

But the "not attracted to your body" bit is a worry. If I understand the other posters correctly, you're 25 and you've been with him since you were 18? Nobody gets to look like they did at 18 forever, and if he can't get past that it's just going to be more and more of an issue as you both age.

While I think like the rest of the guys.... Dump him, he's being an ass...

But...

I have a question for you. Have you ever tried giving him the vibe and including it in sex? Maybe he could sit you down in a chair and use it on you? I bet making you scream would buff his ego!

Sex doesn't always have to be about "BANG BANG *pfft* *Snore* "... Maybe some mutual masturbation? Maybe find out what kinks he has?

But I have to agree with the idea that he is getting it from somewhere else. I can understand that he may be miffed he can't bring you off on his own... But there are a multitude of things he could do to bring you off if he just took his time and thought about it!

Sex toys aren't a multi-million pound industry for nothing!

And I am going to say something else that may sound nasty and I am going to apologise for this and hope you understand WHAT I am saying rather than the words I'm using?

If you have changed since getting married its possible that he doesn't find you visually attractive. If you have put some weight on or... Well whatever.
Is there any way to critically look at yourself and maybe work on it a little?

Before everyone jumps on my back and (rightly) has a go that he should accept you... Yes.... You are right. I think its crap that shit like this happens... But it does and we have to accept that some people are fickle about visuals.

Personally I would stay as you are, have a go at fixing the matrriage and if he doesn't respond well dump his sorry ass and find someone better.

The simple answer is: DO THE RIGHT THING, whatever that is. I'm 65, a retired psychotherapist, married 41 years, and spent many years on the couch exorcising my own demons, and I still discover new insights that help my marriage. Like...people wanna be where theyre happy and comfortable and satisfied. Ofttimes what they want is toxic until you know how to deal with it. Many years ago the late lion tamer Clyde Beatty gave me pointers about how to control lions, tigers, leopards, etc. People require their own handling tricks.

Where the fuck has 85 yr old Uncle JimblyBob gone???

"I was a psycho once - now I am retired"

#1 question, does his paycheque reflect his overtime? If yes, then we can presume he really is tired and you can see if you want to try to save the relationship. Bear in mind, a relationship is a two-way street and both partners need to be invested in saving it.

#2, if his paycheque does not reflect it, then you've got some hard questions to face. One being, is he cheating? Some guys avoid sex with their significant other because they feel like they're cheating on their lover. Go figure.

Either way, he sounds very selfish and immature. Do you want to go through life walking on eggshells? If you can't be yourself in a relationship, then I'd say that's a red flag. What he's said borders on mental abuse. Does he say other things to put you down? is he ever supportive of anything? Does he name-call?

NightL said:

Where the fuck has 85 yr old Uncle JimblyBob gone???

"I was a psycho once - now I am retired"

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He's stuffing oakum up his ass to guard against ebola.

I'm in a similar situation myself, but my husband is extremely loving and attentive to me everywhere else, we're really only missing the sex.

I've encouraged him to look into therapy, bc mine says he has a "mental block" that is keeping him from wanting sex. Mine still finds me attractive, he just rarely feels moved to touch me.

I've also sat down and written two lists- reasons I love him and want to be with him, and things in our relationship that make me unhappy enough to want to end it. The cons list was longer than the pros, but I felt like my pros were big enough that they still outweighed the cons.

I agree with the working out suggestion... F you're not already doing it, it can help take the edge off your sexual frustration, and feeling good about yourself is important, especially when you are being put down by the person who should love you unconditionally and support you when you falter. Maybe working out together would be a way to spend time with him in a "safe" environment? I used to try teasing my husband in public to spice things up, but he has outright said he doesn't like it and it's a turn off for him, but maybe your partner is different.

Anyways, best of luck! I hope you find your happiness, with or without him.

Dtmfa. (Not sure why Lit isn't allowing all caps, but whatevs.)

He is a good man, and I am happy with him in every other area of our lives together. We just seem to have this recurring issue with sex.

I don't look 18 anymore, but I think I still look pretty good, which is why I'm a little surprised that he isn't attracted to my body. I think it's a mental thing on his part. I'll put in some effort to work out again. Whenever I've done so in the past, it never changed my overall weight, I just got firmer.

He's my best friend. I'd like to try to work on these things with him, but he never wants to talk about it, and whenever I try to "initiate" something it fails horribly. He's either tired, or isn't in the mood, or whatever else. Whenever I try to suggest something that I would like to do he thinks it's "boring."

His kinks include anal sex, deep throating and having an open relationship. Those are all hard no's for me, and they always have been.

So he's given up. He's been smoking weed which seems to have mellowed (killed) his sex drive, so he "just doesn't care anymore."

But other areas of our life are really great. We have a great home life, and we're good partners. I wish he would just work on the sex thing a little bit. He just gets discouraged and gets shut down.

If anything the weed should excite him...

Those kinks of his, and your hard 'no's seem strange... I can get that the two of you would have wants that simply do not cross... Every relationship does that.

Does he have odd times away from you?
Not just work... Lots of time out with the lads or cinema trips or whatever? I'm asking if he is "playing away".

I would say you are doing everything you can. Its now all up to him. He has to at least try to meet you half way.
I am in the same situation as you if its just that his sex drive has shut down. But he really does need to get it looked at...If nothing else but to save your marriage.

--EDIT--

Pressed 'Submit' too early!

If its not his fault and there is a medical reason that his libido has died then he needs to let yu do other things.. Maybe not seeing other men... But masturbation and things like that MUST be granted and encouraged and he has to, maybe not join in, but give his blessing and not whine when you disappear to the bedroom for a half hour.

Belle_Nuit said:

He is a good man, and I am happy with him in every other area of our lives together. We just seem to have this recurring issue with sex.

I don't look 18 anymore, but I think I still look pretty good, which is why I'm a little surprised that he isn't attracted to my body. I think it's a mental thing on his part. I'll put in some effort to work out again. Whenever I've done so in the past, it never changed my overall weight, I just got firmer.

He's my best friend. I'd like to try to work on these things with him, but he never wants to talk about it, and whenever I try to "initiate" something it fails horribly. He's either tired, or isn't in the mood, or whatever else. Whenever I try to suggest something that I would like to do he thinks it's "boring."

His kinks include anal sex, deep throating and having an open relationship. Those are all hard no's for me, and they always have been.

So he's given up. He's been smoking weed which seems to have mellowed (killed) his sex drive, so he "just doesn't care anymore."

But other areas of our life are really great. We have a great home life, and we're good partners. I wish he would just work on the sex thing a little bit. He just gets discouraged and gets shut down.

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Wow. You're 25 and living with a stoner who doesn't fuck you?

It's cool you love him, but girl, you are going to end up meeting someone whether you want to or not unless you and him fix that!

I'm just sayin'.

This Literotica is a crazy place! It's amazing how many different places people can be in their lives all at the same time!

I am very sorry to hear that your relationship is at this point. It sounds very much like he doesn't care about the relationship anymore, but doesn't have the balls to end it. He certainly doesn't care about your sexual desires, nor apparently about working toward some kind of solution to the problem. The sexual incompatibility, I would wager, has taken its toll, but complacency has kept you two "together." No one should have to live like that. Do yourself (and him) a favor and end things. 25 is legitimately young and you have plenty of time to meet someone whose desires are much more in line with your own.

belle nuit quoth:
he is a good man, and i am happy with him in every other area of our lives together. we just seem to have this recurring issue with sex.

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you say he's a good man, and that's lovely--but companionship is something you can get from friends.

you've been together for a long time now--and through years when typically people are just figuring out who they actually are. are you sure he's the same person he was when you first met?

cuz everything you're saying about him in this thread:

a) he says you're not attractive to him even though he's not exactly on the stage at chippendale's either. so he's a hypocrite.

b) he is unresponsive on the occasion you initiate sex. so he's demonstrating his lack of attraction.

how long have things been like this? as sweeterika has been saying for as long as i've been here, problems in the bedroom usually start outside of the bedroom.

is it possible he's having erectile issues and his lack of confidence is exacerbating the issue? his avoidance of sex is a typical defense to impotence and he might be too embarrassed to explain it.

of course, it's also possible there are other explanations but i have no reason to start down that path.

kalamain quoth:
if anything the weed should excite him...

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that's never been my experience.

ed

silverwhisper said:

that's never been my experience

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I don't smoke or ever have so I have no PERSONAL experience... Only what my friends did when I was younger.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201003/how-does-marijuana-affect-your-sex-life
YMMV?

Maybe he is one of the people that suffers a drop?

Belle_Nuit said:

My sex life is non-existent. My partner of 7 years has told me our sex life is terrible because

1. he is not attracted to my body anymore - I have gotten soft
2. I say no to "everything" that he wants to do
3. he can't make me orgasm, so what's the point anyway

He's decided that he wants to stay with me because I'm a "good partner" and a "good person." I'm stable, financially, but apparently boring.

Click to expand...

I'm glad you started this thread because I feel like venting as well. My husband has low T levels and isn't interested in having sex...ever and that's the way it is. He really isn't interested in addressing this problem because the thing is for him there isn't a problem. His work and family issues are stressful; the last thing he needs is worrying about sex. He's affectionate and I know he finds me attractive which is nice but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on romantic passion. I haven't had a man passionately rip my clothes off in years. It's not even the sex I miss but the sexual desire of being wanted. I take care of my self and have a very good sex life with myself. I know exactly what I like and never walk away unsatisfied. Plus, I'm very nice to myself after...sometimes I send flowers.

In any case, there are worse things than having a husband who just doesn't have the hunger. At least you know he's not cheating on you.

Jenny_4 said:

I'm glad you started this thread because I feel like venting as well. My husband has low T levels and isn't interested in having sex...ever and that's the way it is. He really isn't interested in addressing this problem because the thing is for him there isn't a problem. His work and family issues are stressful; the last thing he needs is worrying about sex. He's affectionate and I know he finds me attractive which is nice but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on romantic passion. I haven't had a man passionately rip my clothes off in years. It's not even the sex I miss but the sexual desire of being wanted. I take care of my self and have a very good sex life with myself. I know exactly what I like and never walk away unsatisfied. Plus, I'm very nice to myself after...sometimes I send flowers.

In any case, there are worse things than having a husband who just doesn't have the hunger. At least you know he's not cheating on you.

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lol @ the flowers.

pete said:

lol @ the flowers.

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(I'm not cheap either. I don't buy the ones that die the next day.)