Feedback/Critique for Gay story

I've been working on my story, Hematoma, for roughly three years. I became extremely prolific starting in the fall of 2014, and since then, I've pumped out 13 chapters and am in the middle of the 14th.

In the interest of renovating the current state of vampire literature, the story concerns a masochist who struggles with his body modification fetish and ends up being the playtoy of a vampire.

I've planned out the entire story to its end, and it gets pretty dark. My problem now is that I'm very afraid that it's TOO dark. I want feedback on the story, and I want to talk to someone about where it's headed without giving it all away to the readerbase. So I want general feedback in this thread as well as someone I can private message about the future and ending of the story.

Thanks. It's here:

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2084583&page=submissions

Bumping because why not.

If you want to pick one chapter for critique and link it, I will take a look and give you some feedback. If you have written this over 3 years I would assume your writing has changed so a more recent chapter might be what you want looked at.

I'm not going to commit to discussing or assisting beyond a general critique. If you really need more than this, I would wait for someone else.

I'll check back to see if you have posted a link for 1 ch.

Iceprincess12 said:

If you want to pick one chapter for critique and link it, I will take a look and give you some feedback. If you have written this over 3 years I would assume your writing has changed so a more recent chapter might be what you want looked at.

I'm not going to commit to discussing or assisting beyond a general critique. If you really need more than this, I would wait for someone else.

I'll check back to see if you have posted a link for 1 ch.

Click to expand...

Fair enough. Though it may be very difficult to understand the story progression and character development from one chapter. This one probably does the best justice to the pair.

https://www.literotica.com/s/hematoma-ch-09

Asbel said:

Fair enough. Though it may be very difficult to understand the story progression and character development from one chapter. This one probably does the best justice to the pair.

https://www.literotica.com/s/hematoma-ch-09

Click to expand...

It's very good. Your writing flows and it has a very natural rhythm to it. There was no awkwardness or places I needed to stop and read again. I thought Shay's internal conversation about texting Ricky was very funny. It seemed to be thoughts that a girl would have if a guy didn't text.

I enjoyed the description of Ricky looking around the apartment, nostrils twitching occasionally and picking up the dust on his fingertips. All of his actions seemed disdainful but his words were nothing but reassuring. I also enjoyed when he asked Shay if he was ashamed. It makes me think that Ricky is extremely cruel and Shay just doesn't know it yet.

A few criticisms. Shay uses the "f" word a lot, even when he isn't talking, just thinking. One chapter of this is noticeable, thirteen...I would probably be turned off by him and stop reading. I understand this is how his character speaks but maybe save it for his actual dialogue with other people. It's just too much.

"Ricky sighed and licked his lips, shaking his head. "Don't need to," he muttered.".

Ricky is very formal, all of his dialogue is, so this line stood out to me. "I don't need to" fits better with his character. Muttering...different word choice. He doesn't seem to be the muttering type.

The sex and pain. Even though the whole pain scene isn't for me, I felt very disconnected from it, same with the sex. I don't expect to feel anything from Ricky but I didn't feel anything with Shay. The words seem right but it all felt very distant and without feeling. It wasn't boring but maybe it was too rushed. We could have seen Ricky study Shay as the first needle was inserted, or the tenth. You never talked about his arousal during the piercing, only before, was there a lot of blood, did Ricky get excited from it? A little more time with that, especially for people that are not familiar with the piercings, like me.

Ricky said he wanted to cause so much pain and have Shay beg for it. He begged right away and at no point was the pain too much. My expectations were that Shay was going to feel real pain that he didn't want. It didn't happen. There was dialogue with the pins 1-3, but then nothing for the next 27. How much time passed? We were told about him almost passing out, but I didn't feel any of the buildup or where he went from wanting more to almost overloaded. That shift would be a great opportunity for arousal and eroticism.

Final point, this is very minor but the long haired vampire made me roll my eyes. A ponytail just felt cliché. Overall the story is written well and interesting to read.

Thanks so much for the critique. You're dead on about Ricky's cruelty - that shows up more and more later on.

I'll take note on the F word and Ricky's speech. You're right, I was a bit rushed, I tend to get that way halfway through a chapter and I'm not sure how to rectify it.

The disconnect is also noted. Perhaps in my later revisions I'll find a way to fix that, it shouldn't be too hard.

Pain that Shay doesn't want, also noted. It was intended to happen later on. As for the skip from three to 30 needles, I felt it would get tedious and repetitive - and I didn't want a repeat of chapter 2, in which I described Shay's feelings for piercing much more in depth.

As for the long-haired vampire.. Not all vampires have long hair in my book, but Ricky really is my only indulgence in this book - I have a hair fetish. There's actually nothing else in Hematoma that is specifically my fetish. It's catering to an idea I felt was important to bring into the world.

Asbel said:

Thanks so much for the critique. You're dead on about Ricky's cruelty - that shows up more and more later on.

I'll take note on the F word and Ricky's speech. You're right, I was a bit rushed, I tend to get that way halfway through a chapter and I'm not sure how to rectify it.

The disconnect is also noted. Perhaps in my later revisions I'll find a way to fix that, it shouldn't be too hard.

Pain that Shay doesn't want, also noted. It was intended to happen later on. As for the skip from three to 30 needles, I felt it would get tedious and repetitive - and I didn't want a repeat of chapter 2, in which I described Shay's feelings for piercing much more in depth.

As for the long-haired vampire.. Not all vampires have long hair in my book, but Ricky really is my only indulgence in this book - I have a hair fetish. There's actually nothing else in Hematoma that is specifically my fetish. It's catering to an idea I felt was important to bring into the world.

Click to expand...

No worries, Brad Pitt in interview with a vampire is what sprung to mind. I'm glad it was helpful

He's more like... 2000's era Davey Havok. Or something.

I suppose all those red aitches are not enough praise, lol.

robertreams said:

I suppose all those red aitches are not enough praise, lol.

Click to expand...

I posted this back in January, apparently, but to be honest, I didn't know what kind of praise that actually entailed. I'm not really sure what the average rating for a story is on Lit. Is a "hot" rating really that good?

Like I said, the ending of the story and where it's heading is violently different than how it starts out, so I've been reeling back and forth about changing it, but I've already decided to go with my planned ending and suffer whatever consequences that might bring.

Is the final chapter finished? I want to know what you find questionable about the ending and what you think too far is.

Horror these days seems to be all about the happy ending or just plain gore. There isn't a sense of terror or even anything unexpected anymore. I have high hopes that your ending pushes the reader to a very uncomfortable place.

Iceprincess12 said:

Is the final chapter finished? I want to know what you find questionable about the ending and what you think too far is.

Horror these days seems to be all about the happy ending or just plain gore. There isn't a sense of terror or even anything unexpected anymore. I have high hopes that your ending pushes the reader to a very uncomfortable place.

Click to expand...

It isn't horror. And no, I'm writing the nineteenth chapter currently and am in act four of a five act story. It's pretty close to the end, but not close enough.

If you want to know the ending so you can judge if it's all right, you can PM me or something.

Asbel said:

It isn't horror. And no, I'm writing the nineteenth chapter currently and am in act four of a five act story. It's pretty close to the end, but not close enough.

If you want to know the ending so you can judge if it's all right, you can PM me or something.

Click to expand...

I haven't read anything except the chapter you linked to critique. I won't be able to judge if it fits your story or not. I'm really interested in the "too much" that you have alluded to.

I'll pm you for the sneak peek! I'm not sure what category this falls in. I just say horror since I assume there is some killing, but I don't know.

I read beyond the first paragraph, that's rare for me. My chief complaint are the passive verbs.


The subject of an active voice sentence performs the action of the verb: “I throw the ball.” The subject of a passive voice sentence is still the main character of the sentence, but something else performs the action: “The ball is thrown by me.

NOIRTRASH said:

I read beyond the first paragraph, that's rare for me. My chief complaint are the passive verbs.


The subject of an active voice sentence performs the action of the verb: “I throw the ball.” The subject of a passive voice sentence is still the main character of the sentence, but something else performs the action: “The ball is thrown by me.

Click to expand...

I didn't notice, but I did do that a lot in the first chapter. Thanks. I'll go over it and fix up what I can.

Well. a red aitch is 4.5 or better out of 5, so it is equivalent to a B or B+ and up, if you choose to look at it that way. About 60% of my submissions rate a red aitch, your average is quite a bit better than that. Not that I am the greatest, but you are pretty good. The theme doesn't do it for me, but, eh, I am sick of vampires and werewolves and zombies.