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Old 01-22-2013, 06:00 PM   #1
mizuno1
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Discuss Delayed Ejaculation

Long time lurker, first time poster. I'd appreciate the advice and/or experience from this enlightened community.

I'm a decent looking, highly confident, successful thirty something male who suffers from delayed ejaculation. And it sucks.

Since I graduated from college, where I had tons of fun and no issues below the belt, I've had four long term (more than just a several month fling, all more than a year) girlfriends and several flings. Sometimes I cum, sometimes I don't. Let me explain.

With random flings, it's completely hit or miss. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, there seems to be no rhyme or reason.

With women I genuinely care for and with whom I want to develop something, it seems to take awhile before I reach the point of no return. For the first few sexual encounters, I'm unable to finish, which leads me to my first question: knowing that this is going to happen, is this something I discuss with a partner in advance?

Sometimes, the woman is receptive because I'm still hard so, as I put it, she's free to hop on and go for a ride as long as she wants. I still get plenty of enjoyment out of it so I'm not complaining, either. Sometimes it takes months before I can cum and women take this personally, like they're not doing their job or they're not good enough. I assure them that's not the case and yet they see my inability to finish as a sign that they're not good enough, which brings me to question two: if there is even a way, how do I reassure women that it's totally and completely me and in my head and has nothing to do with their performance?

The relationship I'm presently involved in, about three months now, is coming to an end because of this issue, in part, but also because of other factors, such as her constantly needing the approval and contact from other men (attention whore). But, this woman is, externally, extremely gorgeous; a solid 7 at 6 on a Tuesday morning and an absolute bombshell when dressed to the nines. But, she's extremely sexual and, while she loves that I can give her multiple orgasms, she likes making a guy cum. I can't give her that, at least not while she's putting so much pressure on me to make it happen. And, yes, we've discussed it ad nauseum.

Final question: I feel terrible that this is the cause of one breakup, and potentially more, who knows. Is that something I should concern myself with or be more of the mindset that if she really cared about me, she'd be willing to work through this with me?

I sincerely appreciate the thoughts and experiences of this astute community.
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Old 01-22-2013, 07:02 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mizuno1 View Post
Long time lurker, first time poster. I'd appreciate the advice and/or experience from this enlightened community.

I'm a decent looking, highly confident, successful thirty something male who suffers from delayed ejaculation. And it sucks.

Since I graduated from college, where I had tons of fun and no issues below the belt, I've had four long term (more than just a several month fling, all more than a year) girlfriends and several flings. Sometimes I cum, sometimes I don't. Let me explain.

With random flings, it's completely hit or miss. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, there seems to be no rhyme or reason.

With women I genuinely care for and with whom I want to develop something, it seems to take awhile before I reach the point of no return. For the first few sexual encounters, I'm unable to finish, which leads me to my first question: knowing that this is going to happen, is this something I discuss with a partner in advance?

Sometimes, the woman is receptive because I'm still hard so, as I put it, she's free to hop on and go for a ride as long as she wants. I still get plenty of enjoyment out of it so I'm not complaining, either. Sometimes it takes months before I can cum and women take this personally, like they're not doing their job or they're not good enough. I assure them that's not the case and yet they see my inability to finish as a sign that they're not good enough, which brings me to question two: if there is even a way, how do I reassure women that it's totally and completely me and in my head and has nothing to do with their performance?

The relationship I'm presently involved in, about three months now, is coming to an end because of this issue, in part, but also because of other factors, such as her constantly needing the approval and contact from other men (attention whore). But, this woman is, externally, extremely gorgeous; a solid 7 at 6 on a Tuesday morning and an absolute bombshell when dressed to the nines. But, she's extremely sexual and, while she loves that I can give her multiple orgasms, she likes making a guy cum. I can't give her that, at least not while she's putting so much pressure on me to make it happen. And, yes, we've discussed it ad nauseum.

Final question: I feel terrible that this is the cause of one breakup, and potentially more, who knows. Is that something I should concern myself with or be more of the mindset that if she really cared about me, she'd be willing to work through this with me?

I sincerely appreciate the thoughts and experiences of this astute community.
Welcome to the boards

My first question is have you discussed with a medical professional? If this is something that is bothering you, you may wish to talk it over with your doctor. There may be a physical reason why you are experiencing delayed orgasm, and before you panic, it can be something as simple as hypothyroidism.

Just a thought.
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Old 01-23-2013, 12:07 PM   #3
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so you're just talking about not experiencing ejaculation as a problem???
Hmmm, so its not that you are not experiencing an orgasm,,, right?
I ask in such a manner as I'm looking for ways to delay or better yet making ejaculation a matter of choice and not an overwelming biological response to excessive physical stimulation. I WANT the orgasm but without the ejaculation or even the threat of it.
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Old 01-23-2013, 12:21 PM   #4
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Are you taking any medications, especially antidepressants, beta blockers, or antihistamines?

I sometimes have this problem, and some medications can make it virtually impossible. I have also found that changing positions is often what is needed in order to push me over the edge. Missionary to doggie (or the other way around) can often do it. Changing from intercourse to oral is another technique that often works, as long as the girl doesnít have a problem with giving oral after youíve been inside her. Also, taking a 2 to 5 minute break, and then starting again can do it.

As Fire_breeze mentioned, hormone problems can affect things as well. Iím currently being treated for thyroid and other things, and will see if it changes things.

I frequently hear porn or masturbation blamed for this problem. Iím sure that it is sometimes, but Iím certain that itís not always the case. I have found that itís easier to have an orgasm if the last one was 48 hours ago, compared to only 24 hours ago. Itís variable for me as well, as I can sometimes have a second orgasm about 20 minutes after the first one, and can sometimes have more in one day.
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Old 01-23-2013, 12:54 PM   #5
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I appreciate the replies.

I have discussed with a doctor and there are no medical issues nor are there any medications that would cause a problem. It's all in my head, good or bad.

I've likened my experience to keeping baseball stats (keeping records for any possible, even highly unlikely, scenario) and changing positions, waiting awhile, alcohol, anything you can think of, all seem to have no relationship to the outcome. The only consistent thing is in my head, my feelings toward the woman.

If anyone has any experiences and would like to share, it would be much appreciated. And, thanks for the welcome!
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Old 01-23-2013, 02:34 PM   #6
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Quote:
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... Sometimes it takes months before I can cum and women take this personally, like they're not doing their job or they're not good enough.
Would you clarify this. Do you go for months without any orgasm at all? Or months before you are able to have an orgasm while having sex? Or do you manage to find some relief through an orgasm via masturbation?
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:52 PM   #7
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Would you clarify this. Do you go for months without any orgasm at all? Or months before you are able to have an orgasm while having sex? Or do you manage to find some relief through an orgasm via masturbation?
Correct, no orgasm at all. I most certainly could find relief via masturbation but, in an effort to become more sensitive, I refrain from doing so. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't.
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:25 PM   #8
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Have you ever had your hormone levels checked? Testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, thyroid? Abnormal estrogen and prolactin levels can cause orgasm problems for some body builders who are taking steroids. I'm not suggesting that you are taking steroids, but maybe your levels could be off for some other reason. It may be worth checking if you haven't done so already.
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:46 PM   #9
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Not to be too crude, but can you cum on your own self stimulating without problem? If you can it would lead me to believe there is some sort of psychological issue that you will need to get to the bottom of (eg fear of impregnationn fear of failure etc)

Have you tried prostate stimulation? If you did, did it work?
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Old 01-23-2013, 05:21 PM   #10
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I have had many tests done and have come to the conclusion that, yes, it is entirely psychological. Unfortunately, there is no pill or quick fix for this.

I appreciate all the kind words and thoughts but what I'm really looking for is some advice on how and when to approach new partners with this problem. My current relationship is ending so this is going to be a new conversation I'll have to have with a new woman in the, hopefully, not too distant future. Do I discuss this in advance of any sexual activity and how do I assure the woman it has nothing to do with her or her performance? Some women have taken it incredibly personally and has, in fact, ended relationships. Unfortunately, it's something with which I have to live.
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:09 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mizuno1 View Post
I have had many tests done and have come to the conclusion that, yes, it is entirely psychological. Unfortunately, there is no pill or quick fix for this.

I appreciate all the kind words and thoughts but what I'm really looking for is some advice on how and when to approach new partners with this problem. My current relationship is ending so this is going to be a new conversation I'll have to have with a new woman in the, hopefully, not too distant future. Do I discuss this in advance of any sexual activity and how do I assure the woman it has nothing to do with her or her performance? Some women have taken it incredibly personally and has, in fact, ended relationships. Unfortunately, it's something with which I have to live.
Before even looking to the next relationship, find a decent reputable therapist who will help you figure out what is behind this.
Don't leap to find a new relationship when this one isn't even over, although you seem to have written it off, maybe u need to spend some time alone working thru the issues, get things figured out.

Hope it works out for you
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:16 PM   #12
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I have the same problem: I can orgasm within minutes by masturbating, but even after a year and a half with my girlfriend I only orgasm at most 20% of the time we have sex. Usually, I just run out of breath to keep thrusting and my erection "wilts". And to this day, I've never orgasmed from receiving a blow job.

And I still feel guilty about that. Even though I've explained to her that the 20% mark is really high for me (which is completely true), I still feel like I'm denying her something that's rightfully hers and my body's telling her she's inadequate every time I don't cum for her. I hate it. I try to focus on the other pleasure of sex - the ego boosts of "she wants me!" and "I'm making her come!" - but those aren't really enough. Plus, orgasming inside her feels so much better than in my hand... and I worry about being able to get her pregnant when the time comes.

Sorry I've got no answers, just commiseration.
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:59 PM   #13
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I've been down the therapist road before and it is a psychological issue, one which doesn't seem to be helped by any therapy. I'm most certainly willing to try again, if I thought it might help.

Commiseration is fine by me so long as you promise to share any successes!
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Old 01-24-2013, 01:27 PM   #14
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Broach the subject by talking about her sexual preferences and thoughts. If you can get her talking about it, it might be easier for you to talk about your own issue. Let her know from the beginning that you find her sexy as hell and that if you can't come, it's not her fault.

Random thought, when you don't finish during sex do you need to finish yourself off after? You don't get blue balls? Sorry, that's not delicate. But my guy gets blue balls if he doesn't get relief, and then he gets grumpy. So I thought I'd ask.
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Old 01-24-2013, 02:02 PM   #15
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When women have trouble orgasming Everyone knows that it is not only counter-roductive it is not kind to pressure her to have 1 unfortunately when you're a man with that problem no one understands.

I've tried a mix of warning women and not warning women I'm down to considering faking orgasm.

Recently I had 1 with a friend when she told me to quit being so energetic with her and I just sorta had lazy sex and I got off relatively quickly it was weird.

Most guys she had been with just sorta lay on her and rut... even though I try not to worry about their orgasms are thinking about their internal functions and where the G spot is an am I hitting it and crap like that I have a feeling that I have a large portion of my brain subconsciously distracted on those sort of things.


I'm very well know that it is easier said than done, but maybe just tried doing things that feel good for you and don't worry about the orgasm and don't definitely worry about how it feels for that most of it feels pretty good for them anyway.

On the other end of the spectrum if I get really intense really kinky or really rough ( if she's into that sort of thing)I sometimes get off just from the sheer adrenaline fueled excess of it all.
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Old 01-24-2013, 05:10 PM   #16
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Broach the subject by talking about her sexual preferences and thoughts. If you can get her talking about it, it might be easier for you to talk about your own issue. Let her know from the beginning that you find her sexy as hell and that if you can't come, it's not her fault.

Random thought, when you don't finish during sex do you need to finish yourself off after? You don't get blue balls? Sorry, that's not delicate. But my guy gets blue balls if he doesn't get relief, and then he gets grumpy. So I thought I'd ask.
That's a good approach, thank you. I might have to try that approach next time around. And, no, I don't get blue balls, shockingly.
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Old 01-24-2013, 07:42 PM   #17
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Random thought, when you don't finish during sex do you need to finish yourself off after? You don't get blue balls? Sorry, that's not delicate. But my guy gets blue balls if he doesn't get relief, and then he gets grumpy. So I thought I'd ask.
I don't get blue balls. It's like the erection and seminal fluid just... fade away.

Which isn't to say I'm not more eager than usual to masturbate (or have more sex) in the next 12-24 hours.
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Old 01-28-2013, 02:17 PM   #18
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That's a good approach, thank you. I might have to try that approach next time around. And, no, I don't get blue balls, shockingly.
Of course, some girls might also take it as a personal challenge... o.O
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:24 PM   #19
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Of course, some girls might also take it as a personal challenge... o.O
Haha! Some have and that can be fun, except when they put too much pressure on me, then it never happens.
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Old 01-28-2013, 10:20 PM   #20
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I am going to beg to differ with some of the suggestions put to you here so far...

Firstly, someone with a handle of 'Mizuno' implies to me that you are some kind of athlete.

And whether you are 'a worn-out old much-beloved running shoe,' or a brand new hi-tech straight-out-of-the-box shiny one - the implications are the same in regard to the issue that you raise.

All athletes have a substantially lower resting heart rate than normal people.

This is in the very first place going to alter the way erections and their subsequent resolutions proceed.

Despite the regular self-proclaimed view that a lot of women have about themselves, the percentages of women who are actually technically very good at sex are remarkably fewer than supposed. And there are even quite a lot of women porn actresses who attend sexual psychology clinics because they are not confident about their own real capabilites off-camera, which is often, essentially just an act.

You 'may' procure sexual intercourse with anyone who is available - but you might not attain the 'performance' either you or a particular partner desires.

Being an athlete implies 'performance' and you know yourself, you're not always going to run the perfect or even a very good race.

I could be entirely wrong assuming that you are an athlete - but I would proceed from an initial assumption that there is a lower-resting heart rate involved...

What would count as a warm up for you - would be a hundred mile killer marathon for many others.

People are romantic/life/parenting/sexual partners, and they are not always 'all of the above,' as it were - in spite of everyone's keen fantasy that this necessarily HAS to be so all the time. It just plain isn't; stopping forcing it to be so, if in fact you are.

Yes it is indeed true that a lot of women, when they physiologically/neurologically perceive that their partner is achieving an orgasm and ejaculating - also orgasm as a result of some kind.

Some women can achieve their own orgasm without absolutely requiring the partner to achieve it first.

Well, put it this way - you are going to need a sexually highly-enlightened, self-directed and self-knowledgeable partner - even if you are with someone that really turns you on visually or that you find attractive and suitable, your own physiology is going to run a little counter to what your physiology functions like.

If... ...if, your objective is precisely to attain orgasms and ejaculations from penetrative sex with a female partner, then you have to accept a series of physiological steps and necessitous partner requirements WILL BE INVOLVED. It is not adequate to say that the problem is a 'psychological' one, wherein, once the psychology is resolved, all of a sudden all the neurophysiology will sort itself out, and you can have any partner at all. Wrong. That is the same as people reading magazines about diets and believing that they will take off twenty pounds by next week without changing their lifestyle radically and in ways they most probably will find DIFFICULT!

So... if, your physiology is somewhat of the type that I have suspected that it is, please indicate, and I will try to detail a plan that is known to work but which, quite frankly, is just plain NOT suitable to every single other 'normal/ordinary' person of the physiological type that you will assume to find as you walk down any modern urban street today.

Best
DMMWk.

Last edited by Desiremakesmeweak : 01-28-2013 at 10:41 PM.
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