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Old 03-06-2018, 04:17 PM   #1
Whorpio
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Boyfriend isnít into bdsm anymore.

Hello bdsm community!!

I posted this on another subforum on here and got zero help.. Iím new here but I had a question and would like to get advice. My boyfriend and I have always been into kinky bdsm... he loves to dominate and humiliate and I love to be submissive and itís always been so good. Lately he isnít into it though and Iím not sure why?? He has slowly been getting less and less rough/dominating with me to the point that sometimes he looks like heís feeling bad and uncomfortable. He said that it was easier when we had just met to fuck like he hates me but not anymore.

whatís going on and how I can fix it?? he said he cant really explain why.
Thanks!!!
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Old 03-06-2018, 04:29 PM   #2
kingshogi
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one thing you could try, is dying your hair. And then have him meet you again somewhere, you can role play and give each other fake names. Make it seem like your a new girl for him to dom.
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Old 03-06-2018, 05:22 PM   #3
Primalex
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whorpio View Post
Lately he isnít into it though and Iím not sure why??
[..]
whatís going on and how I can fix it??
Sorry for the bad news, but it might be love.
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Old 03-06-2018, 05:33 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Primalex View Post
Sorry for the bad news, but it might be love.
Really?? Why??
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Old 03-06-2018, 05:33 PM   #5
Whorpio
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Originally Posted by kingshogi View Post
one thing you could try, is dying your hair. And then have him meet you again somewhere, you can role play and give each other fake names. Make it seem like your a new girl for him to dom.
Could a wig suffice?? 🤔
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Old 03-06-2018, 07:05 PM   #6
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I think it's reasonable to say that relationships, all relationships, move through stages. Even BDSM relationships. Personally, it's always been easy to scene casually with subs with whom there is no emotional link. Sharing a sub who is just a respected playmate is simple. Once emotion enters the equation, it becomes -for me at least- harder to even consider sharing them.

My best advice is don't try to fix him. Try to understand him. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. And once you think you understand him, communicate some more. THEN... try to help him understand you.
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Old 03-06-2018, 08:01 PM   #7
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Do you still get along in other areas of your relationship?
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Old 03-06-2018, 09:37 PM   #8
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Do you still get along in other areas of your relationship?
Yes!! We got closer actually and he is showing me more of his emotional side that he was hiding before.
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Old 03-06-2018, 11:43 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Whorpio View Post
Yes!! We got closer actually and he is showing me more of his emotional side that he was hiding before.
then I agree with Primalex. It's that stupid love thing. The more he cares for you, the less he can humiliate or hate fuck you. Which is craziness. The more someone loves me, the hotter the humiliation can be.

I guess you just have to ask him what's up. Haha. God forbid. He might just have to find a way to explain it. Does that kind of sex turn him on at all anymore? Do you guys watch porn together? Does he like bdsm porn???
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Old 03-07-2018, 01:40 AM   #10
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I think that maybe he needs encouragement and support from you. Aftercare of sorts.
Dominating someone, especially while being rough or hurting them - can be emotionally taxing. If he sees you "suffer" during the scene, but then doesn't get enough reassurance that he did good - he may start to feel bad about doing things to you. Things that he was maybe taught are "bad".

A few things you can try.
1) First, have a clear and open discussion about your likes and wants. Show and tell him how much you like to be submissive, how good you feel about it. Play into his ego a bit - maybe tell how manly and strong he feels to you when he dominates you, and how secure you feel in his arms. That when he "Hate-fucks" you - you aren't feeling abused, but like you have your very own green-Hulk with you, that this primal desire he expresses turns you on immensely. That being "owned" and "used" is your thing, when it's coming from him.
2) Second thing, is after each scene take care to discuss it. What you enjoyed, what could be improved. In any case - always praise his effort and tell him how good it felt. This will boost his confidence as well as give tips to him how to be even better. If he has the map to your kink and can confidently navigate it with being sure he doesn't hurt you - he will relax a bit.
3) He may be simply burned out on kink a bit. What I suggest you is diversify what you do. Instead of having some kinky fuckery every time you have sex - start having purely vanilla, loving, slow days, where you are all hugs and kisses and no rough sex. Then other days you two will go all-in on kink. This may help quite a lot. You could also try and explore other aspects of kink, but be sure to do it one at a time.
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Last edited by Nezhul : 03-07-2018 at 01:44 AM.
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Old 03-07-2018, 11:44 AM   #11
Primalex
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whorpio View Post
Really?? Why??
I have no idea, I've never fucked you.
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Old 03-07-2018, 12:13 PM   #12
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I have no idea, I've never fucked you.
Haha great point!! But I meant why do you think so?
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Old 03-08-2018, 10:15 AM   #13
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Just because he loves you doesn't mean he won't do this kind of stuff anymore,

have you actually sat down and talked this through? i would agree it's easier with no romantic feelings, i had a friend once years ago, and while the sex was amazing the stuff we did was utterly amazing most likely because we had no romantic feelings just pure sexual lust, he could use my body the way he liked and it turned me on no end, i could just turn up at his door and we'd start fucking, i used do things i still fantisize about with him...

at one point i got very frustrated at my husband for not being like that friend and i realised the problem was me, i wasn't being clear about what i wanted, so we talked, and talked and talked some more, i told him how pain turned me on, that nothing was "too rough", anything kinky or humiliating was exactly what got me off, and while i enjoyed romantic sex with him, it was the kinky bdsm type stuff that made me cum,

he tried it out and found it difficult at first but i just re-assured him that it was exactly what i wanted, after it was done we would cuddle and he would "comfort me" it took some time to get into it but now he gets me and what i need, and some nights he'll go for it exactly how i love it, other nights he'll want it less rough, i tend to go with whatever he wants (as that also turns me on) and i can honestly say there's very little we haven't done, but communication is what got us here. you need to talk and guide him, i found that frustrating at first as i am really submissive and i didn't like telling him/guiding him, but it was worth it in the long run...
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Old 03-10-2018, 12:52 PM   #14
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I find it ironic that someone would get into BDSM/humiliation, adding a little more than the normal vanilla stuff, only to eventually become bored with it. Relationships do evolve. I can only express what I know in a similar situation.....

.....someone I know (always a phrase I hate starting with), in a similar predicament essentially asked to be cuckolded. They went out to a bar, flirted with various women, found someone who would be interested, and she sat and watched as he had sex with her. Now, I caution you that this was done in a very established relationship and one that could handle it.
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Old 03-11-2018, 09:40 AM   #15
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Perhaps he's run out of ideas and believes you've become bored with what you two have already done together... or has become bored with it himself and doesn't understand how it all continues to be such a thrill for you.
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Old 03-11-2018, 10:51 AM   #16
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I honestly don't know how you can get bored with some sexual fetish. I mean maybe if you do the same thing every time, but if you vary it even a little bit...

I don't think it's boredom. I think it's misplaced care or something, like "you don't treat loved ones like a worthless slave" type of mentality.

It all boils down to lack of communication, I think. Such things can and should be talked through.
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Old 03-11-2018, 11:30 AM   #17
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It's a relationship. Things get boring. Boredom is a large factor why so many of them fail. Communication is the obvious answer.
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Old 03-11-2018, 12:53 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_lego View Post
Just because he loves you doesn't mean he won't do this kind of stuff anymore,

have you actually sat down and talked this through? i would agree it's easier with no romantic feelings, i had a friend once years ago, and while the sex was amazing the stuff we did was utterly amazing most likely because we had no romantic feelings just pure sexual lust, he could use my body the way he liked and it turned me on no end, i could just turn up at his door and we'd start fucking, i used do things i still fantisize about with him...

at one point i got very frustrated at my husband for not being like that friend and i realised the problem was me, i wasn't being clear about what i wanted, so we talked, and talked and talked some more, i told him how pain turned me on, that nothing was "too rough", anything kinky or humiliating was exactly what got me off, and while i enjoyed romantic sex with him, it was the kinky bdsm type stuff that made me cum,

he tried it out and found it difficult at first but i just re-assured him that it was exactly what i wanted, after it was done we would cuddle and he would "comfort me" it took some time to get into it but now he gets me and what i need, and some nights he'll go for it exactly how i love it, other nights he'll want it less rough, i tend to go with whatever he wants (as that also turns me on) and i can honestly say there's very little we haven't done, but communication is what got us here. you need to talk and guide him, i found that frustrating at first as i am really submissive and i didn't like telling him/guiding him, but it was worth it in the long run...
I'm very happy you and hubby were able to forge a relationship you both enjoy. You remind me of a partner I used to have. She would show up on a Fri night, walk in the door, begin stripping, and ask "why aren't you spanking and fucking me yet"?? She was married and having a hard time with hubby choosing weekend sports over her. We were intense in a way I never was before or since. She eventually moved away. So basically what I'd like to know is...can I tie you up and fuck you til you wobble home to hubby?? Or would he be interested in double training you with me?
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Old 03-11-2018, 03:20 PM   #19
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I'm very happy you and hubby were able to forge a relationship you both enjoy. You remind me of a partner I used to have. She would show up on a Fri night, walk in the door, begin stripping, and ask "why aren't you spanking and fucking me yet"?? She was married and having a hard time with hubby choosing weekend sports over her. We were intense in a way I never was before or since. She eventually moved away. So basically what I'd like to know is...can I tie you up and fuck you til you wobble home to hubby?? Or would he be interested in double training you with me?
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Old 03-12-2018, 01:29 AM   #20
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*takes out a pink notebook and starts scribing down pick-up tips from Uneklensane
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Old 03-12-2018, 11:38 AM   #21
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*takes out a pink notebook and starts scribing down pick-up tips from Uneklensane
BDSM Pickup Lines: Is that a good idea for a thread. Maybe we should go for more subtle ones, though.
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Old 03-17-2018, 10:06 PM   #22
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Is it possible that it was a spur of the moment hot thing that was new to him and kept getting hotter at first because he was able to exert that level of control but then found out how into it you are and tried to be accommodating but it simply isn't his thing and he is only doing it for you?
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