First story: Your Hot Friend

Hi all,

Posted my first story and am looking for feedback.

Your Hot Friend
http://www.literotica.com/s/your-hot-friend

I appreciate any thoughts you have on it.

Thanks,
WickedWick

I don't know why writers keep shooting themselves in the foot with stories they are seeking approval for (here, by asking for feedback). I'd give this story more respect if you didn't ask for comment because then I'd know you were writing it essentially to turn yourself on, which I consider legitimate at Literotica.

Before anyone says this is second person--and wastes time saying they don't like second-person POV--it's not second-person POV. The first word in the story is "I." It's all from the first-person perspective. But it brings that amorphous "you" into the story, which immediately (it should) puts nearly all of the readers on the defensive and has them thinking "No, it's not ME you're talking to" all the time they should be more focused on a well-written stroker (on a scan, all I saw was a misuse of "its").

No, I'm not a woman role-playing a school girl (which is what "you" is revealed at more than half way through the story). So, no, I'm not going to buy into the story the way you want me to--and all the time I'm reading the story up to that point, much of my attention is going to "who the hell do you think you're calling 'you'?" rather than to your storyline. The way to save this sort of story for the reader is at least to establish who the "you" is up front, so the reader knows he/she isn't meant to be the "you" and won't have that intruding in the read.

We have requests to give feedback on pseudo second-person POV about twice a week on this forum, you'd save yourself some criticism on that point by reading in on the forum before asking to see what the general reception is to this technique and not bringing pseudo second-person POV stories here for approval. You'd know you'd get negative comments off the top and that this is what would soak up most of the discussion of your story. Bring only clearly first- or third-person stories here if you want the discussion to go to deeper aspects of your writing.

sr71plt said:

I don't know why writers keep shooting themselves in the foot with stories they are seeking approval for (here, by asking for feedback). I'd give this story more respect if you didn't ask for comment because then I'd know you were writing it essentially to turn yourself on, which I consider legitimate at Literotica.

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Well, it is a BDSM story. Perhaps the writers like a little Masochism.

This is the kind of story, especially because of the I/you construction, that I click off right away. As sr71 says, a lot of readers (and I am one of them) do not like being told what is going on or what they are doing.

Personally I think this story might have worked better strictly in first person, with the "you" and the friend given names and developed at least a little as individuals.

For as much as I did read, the mechanics -- grammar, punctuation, etc., were good and that's not to be underestimated.

sr71plt said:

I don't know why writers keep shooting themselves in the foot with stories they are seeking approval for (here, by asking for feedback). I'd give this story more respect if you didn't ask for comment because then I'd know you were writing it essentially to turn yourself on, which I consider legitimate at Literotica.

Before anyone says this is second person--and wastes time saying they don't like second-person POV--it's not second-person POV. The first word in the story is "I." It's all from the first-person perspective. But it brings that amorphous "you" into the story, which immediately (it should) puts nearly all of the readers on the defensive and has them thinking "No, it's not ME you're talking to" all the time they should be more focused on a well-written stroker (on a scan, all I saw was a misuse of "its").

No, I'm not a woman role-playing a school girl (which is what "you" is revealed at more than half way through the story). So, no, I'm not going to buy into the story the way you want me to--and all the time I'm reading the story up to that point, much of my attention is going to "who the hell do you think you're calling 'you'?" rather than to your storyline. The way to save this sort of story for the reader is at least to establish who the "you" is up front, so the reader knows he/she isn't meant to be the "you" and won't have that intruding in the read.

We have requests to give feedback on pseudo second-person POV about twice a week on this forum, you'd save yourself some criticism on that point by reading in on the forum before asking to see what the general reception is to this technique and not bringing pseudo second-person POV stories here for approval. You'd know you'd get negative comments off the top and that this is what would soak up most of the discussion of your story. Bring only clearly first- or third-person stories here if you want the discussion to go to deeper aspects of your writing.

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You're insulting someone for looking for comments and feedback on the feedback forum....

And its nice to know what you, one person with no more than their singular opinion, considers legitimate on Literotica.

lovecraft68 said:

You're insulting someone for looking for comments and feedback on the feedback forum....

And its nice to know what you, one person with no more than their singular opinion, considers legitimate on Literotica.

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And you're just a bottom-feeding rodent using any excuse you can think up to attack me.

You've got to be continually hating three or four things/people on this forum to counter how shitty your life is.

Take a few minutes to read in on the forum, asshole. You'll see that about half of the discussions are about this fake attempt at second person and how it doesn't work out well.

I wouldn't expect a nOOb to scroll down through the older threads and see how the earlier pseudo-2nd-person POV threads have fared on the forums.

I doubt many of them would either. Doesn't mean they should be rewarded for not doing so. I also realize that there will be posters posting not to respond to the question but to chew on those who did respond.

You have your tastes. I have mine. The OP has his and all the 7 people who have favourited his story have theirs. I doubt a pseudo-2nd person POV story hater like you can give constructive feedback, given your aversion to such stories. Doesn't mean your feedback is any less, but I think a person who likes such genre would be able to give better feedback than the haters. Being critical is one thing, and being denigrating is another.

Just because the author has tried something with a very specialised niche of readers doesn't mean his story is any worse. Doing something that lowers the confidence of authors wannabes that come around asking for feedback is a substandard behaviour, not to say trollish.

Who said I hated pseudo second-person POV? I see you're another one who doesn't read in on the forum before spouting off. My point is/was that it's generally not liked--as evidenced by the posts to this forum by other critiquers than if you'd just bother to read them (and while you reading, point to any post of mine that says I hate this technique)--and that it therefore gets a critique on this forum that pretty much bops out on dealing with anything but how much this technique doesn't get a good response in the story file. Even now, other than backbiting me, the discussion is wholly on the use of that fake second-person POV.

I don't think you even bothered to read my original post on this before spouting off. I see no purpose on responding to you further if you aren't going to bother to read in on the issue.

sr71plt said:

Who said I hated pseudo second-person POV? I see you're another one who doesn't read in on the forum before spouting off. My point is/was that it's generally not liked--as evidenced by the posts to this forum by other critiquers than if you'd just bother to read them (and while you reading, point to any post of mine that says I hate this technique)--and that it therefore gets a critique on this forum that pretty much bops out on dealing with anything but how much this technique doesn't get a good response in the story file. Even now, other than backbiting me, the discussion is wholly on the use of that fake second-person POV.

I don't think you even bothered to read my original post on this before spouting off. I see no purpose on responding to you further if you aren't going to bother to read in on the issue.

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Given the size of your excruciatingly long and continuous write-up, I didn't go through it as minutely as I should've been.

Solely, my bad.

Geez..I'm have a headache now.

Anyhow, your post seemed to be aimed at someone other than the OP regarding the debate on 2nd person shit. This part of your post was genuinely good:

No, I'm not a woman role-playing a school girl (which is what "you" is revealed at more than half way through the story). So, no, I'm not going to buy into the story the way you want me to--and all the time I'm reading the story up to that point, much of my attention is going to "who the hell do you think you're calling 'you'?" rather than to your storyline. The way to save this sort of story for the reader is at least to establish who the "you" is up front, so the reader knows he/she isn't meant to be the "you" and won't have that intruding in the read.

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Other than that, it felt like a rant to me.

Me, I, You, are there no people in your story? Are all your fantasies inhabited by nameless, amorphous entities? Real people have names and individual body characteristics.

"I run my fingertips down your friends back, from her hairline to the her ass.(What kind of a back? what color, what shape? What color hair?) She moans approvingly.( Even your moans are generic) My finger continues down between her ass cheeks, (fat?, thin?, round?, flat?, flabby?, firm?) teases past her asshole (pink? brown?, blue?, shitty? and plunges deep into her moist pussy. She pushes slightly against my hand pushing in my finger in deeper. One of my other fingers gently rubs her clit (do you know where a woman's clit is?)as she bits(spelling) into the sheets moaning.(another moan?)

I slowly slide my finger out and continue down the back of one leg, trailing a line of slick juice behind.(tobacco juice?) As I reach her feet, I gently tickle the bottom, causing her to laugh and pull against the restraints.

I follow the path my finger took with my tongue and lips. (his finger took a path with his tongue and lips?) Kissing my way up her leg. My tongue slides along the outer lips of her pussy and back before I plunge it in deep to get a good taste of this vixen of a friend you have."(how can she be a vixen, she is barely animate?)

". . . You reached from behind and started tugging on my balls as I began slowly fucking this hot, vixen of a friend you have. You were so hot and couldn't take your eyes off watching my cock slowly slide in and bury itself deep into her ass. I could feel her moans on my cock every time I plunged in deep."(Her ass hole can moan? wow!)( She has a virgin ass that she has somehow prepared to be unvirgin in one day upon his whispered suggestion after one kiss. Trust me, with the finesse this guy is showing she would be screaming in pain, but then, maybe he is a microdick.)

In short, your characters are one-dimensional cartoons and their action seem to be those of someone who has never had sex except with lady palm and her four daughters. Sorry to be so harsh, but I see very little effort here.

Thanks everyone for the comments, whether positive or negative. I'll take all of them into account and have my next store be more in the third person perspective.