Curious about training

I haven't participated in this forum much, but I am curious as to whether there are any trained female subs or trained doms of either gender here. I have been naturally submissive since my teens, but I went through sub and slave training almost 6 years ago. If there are trained subs or doms I'd love insight into how you were trained or how you train.

I'm curious about what your "training" involved because from what I understand, there is no universal training. It seems to me that if someone goes through a type of training, it is only applicable to that relationship. Mostly, it's simply learning what to expect and do within that particular dynamic.

As for learning protocols and rules? There are lots of resources and if you find local groups there may be demos or classes available to learn specific skills. The club near me advertises all kinds of guest speakers and classes for different things. Sometimes they have events for learning service oriented skills. Are you talking about stuff like that? Even then, it's a take it or leave it kind of thing, every relationship being different and all.

Maybe I don't know enough. I'm curious what others have to say.

ditto the above

I agree with MeekMe, I have run across, Books and even a Website wanting money for "formal" training. Get out and experience it, see that works and leave what doesn't.

Lrn_The_Ropes said:

I agree with MeekMe, I have run across, Books and even a Website wanting money for "formal" training. Get out and experience it, see that works and leave what doesn't.

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Unless you're being trained in some kind of established tradition, like learning how to do a high tea, or Gorean stuff, then I'm highly suspicious of any kind of training that gets touted as universally applicable or desirable.

KoPilot said:

Unless you're being trained in some kind of established tradition, like learning how to do a high tea, or Gorean stuff, then I'm highly suspicious of any kind of training that gets touted as universally applicable or desirable.

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Actually, the reason I was asking was to know more about the different kinds of training you may have had. I agree. Training is unique to a tradition

I think there can be a kind of training that everyone should undergo. I think there is value in learning the traditions of this scene (respect, honor, safety, etc.). When a Dom and a sub get together (for whatever length of time), there are some things that should be expected of the other.

As I remember back to when I started, I think I had some physical training in flogging techniques (I was taught variety, and not to just lay into the sub and whip away), I learned about wax and the kinds to use and the kinds to avoid, I was taught about knots and binding techniques that would be totally restrictive but not stop blood from flowing, and so on.

This kind of training was thought to be what practitioners did. It was called "passing it on," and was an accepted part of the scene.

And now people are charging for it? I am amazed. But I think that might make my point. Anyone who would charge for training certainly has no honor.

MaddysSecret said:

I haven't participated in this forum much, but I am curious as to whether there are any trained female subs or trained doms of either gender here. I have been naturally submissive since my teens, but I went through sub and slave training almost 6 years ago. If there are trained subs or doms I'd love insight into how you were trained or how you train.

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I've always known I was a sub but never owned. Until I met my BF. He didn't know much about what I desired so we worked with a local Dom who I've played with in the past. The Dom has been an immense help in both my and my BF's training.


A couple month ago he collared me.

I consider myself trained, thanks to a local group and a Dom.

Add me to the list of people curious about what "training" an s-type receives? What makes one person "trained", and another not "trained"?

Prof Bill said:

I think there can be a kind of training that everyone should undergo. I think there is value in learning the traditions of this scene (respect, honor, safety, etc.). When a Dom and a sub get together (for whatever length of time), there are some things that should be expected of the other.

As I remember back to when I started, I think I had some physical training in flogging techniques (I was taught variety, and not to just lay into the sub and whip away), I learned about wax and the kinds to use and the kinds to avoid, I was taught about knots and binding techniques that would be totally restrictive but not stop blood from flowing, and so on.

This kind of training was thought to be what practitioners did. It was called "passing it on," and was an accepted part of the scene.

And now people are charging for it? I am amazed. But I think that might make my point. Anyone who would charge for training certainly has no honor.

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I learned this way too. And then I wanted to do more ambitious kinds of play. And so I went to seminars and weekends, I traveled, and I paid. For people with a level of expertise and dedication that bears out a kind of professionalism.

Plenty of people with plenty of honor also do commercial sex work, and require compensation for time, whether they are beating your ass or you are learning how to do what they do. There's often less subterfuge and less popularity contest and politics than in non-pro circles.

I've also been immersed in a more Leather scene, and it's more about tradition and personal love of Leather - but you still paid your club dues.

Just scrutinize the hell out of the credentials of people you choose to pay to learn from, but that goes across life in general.

MaddysSecret said:

I haven't participated in this forum much, but I am curious as to whether there are any trained female subs or trained doms of either gender here. I have been naturally submissive since my teens, but I went through sub and slave training almost 6 years ago. If there are trained subs or doms I'd love insight into how you were trained or how you train.

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i was trained by my master in stages to meet his needs ,it started with me calling him master and then went on to greeting him at the door on my knees and gradually it progressed to obeying his every command and attending to his every wish and giving total obedience and signing a contract giving myself completely to him or any of his friends who wished to use me .i was never so happy as when i was owned by him.

Prof Bill said:

I think there can be a kind of training that everyone should undergo. I think there is value in learning the traditions of this scene

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Not all of us care about the scene.

KoPilot said:

Not all of us care about the scene.

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This.

I think that I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face.

I have never seen it as anything but a role-play, that some people consider to be fun/exiting.



...... Learning on the other hand, that is important!

Being trained in the ways of the Gorean philosophy could be one standardized method of training subs and slaves. Of course, it's not for me, but some people swear by it.

Two things and, no, I'm really not trying to pick either a fight or an argument. Discussion, perhaps?

I understand people charging for special knowledge. For example, I never played with electricity (it scared the crap out of me and still does) but, if I were to contemplate it, I would need special training for it and a person would be within his or her rights to expect to be compensated for time, materials, and expertise. So--an amendment to what I posted earlier.

It bothers me when I hear (or read) people say they have no interest in the "scene." I don't care what anyone calls it, but what we do has: A) a long history, and, B) the possibility of causing great harm. I think knowing the history is important because a lot of mistakes have been made (I'm sure you all know the saying) in the past and it makes no sense to repeat them in the present. As for harm, How are you going to know positively and with no chance you're wrong that the way you're doing something is safe? On the control thread are a lot of pictures with a a hand on the sub's throat. Asphyxiation play probably kills one or two people a year--including self-asphyxiation. Wouldn't it make sense to learn about it before you have a horrible accident?

Safe, sane, and consensual are really important watchwords for "what we do."

That's enough from me.

Prof Bill said:

It bothers me when I hear (or read) people say they have no interest in the "scene." I don't care what anyone calls it, but what we do has: A) a long history, and, B) the possibility of causing great harm. I think knowing the history is important because a lot of mistakes have been made (I'm sure you all know the saying) in the past and it makes no sense to repeat them in the present. As for harm, How are you going to know positively and with no chance you're wrong that the way you're doing something is safe? On the control thread are a lot of pictures with a a hand on the sub's throat. Asphyxiation play probably kills one or two people a year--including self-asphyxiation. Wouldn't it make sense to learn about it before you have a horrible accident?

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What bothers me is the assumption that because I use a word to roughly describe the kind of intimate relationship I function best in, that must mean that have enough in common with other practitioners to warrant socializing with them, to warrant identifying with them, and so on.

A. I can know the history without being part of the community.

B. Any relationship has the possibility of causing great harm. Many non-kink activities have the possibility of causing great harm. At the same time, doing BDSM doesn't mean you put yourself in potentially dangerous physical situations. Some of us don't even do physical kink at all and are purely service-oriented. I don't do anything even remotely close to edge play. There's really no way to fuck up a spanking, f'ex.

Not all us have a need for the scene, not all of us want to be around kinksters in real life. I know I most definitely don't, seeing as how finding people who are interested in completely non-sexual play is basically impossible.

So I'm part of a BDSM community of 2: me and my SO. We don't need anyone else.

Thanks Kopilot, that's how I feel.

But really, I don't want to put my personal life out there. It's between me and Mister, nobody else. We take full responsibility for what we do. Learning tradition or history doesn't mean more or less because it comes from what's written on the internet or because some guy tells me about it to my face.

Also, I've never been big on "tradition" and instead like to create my own.

Prof Bill said:

Two things and, no, I'm really not trying to pick either a fight or an argument. Discussion, perhaps?

I understand people charging for special knowledge. For example, I never played with electricity (it scared the crap out of me and still does) but, if I were to contemplate it, I would need special training for it and a person would be within his or her rights to expect to be compensated for time, materials, and expertise. So--an amendment to what I posted earlier.

It bothers me when I hear (or read) people say they have no interest in the "scene." I don't care what anyone calls it, but what we do has: A) a long history, and, B) the possibility of causing great harm. I think knowing the history is important because a lot of mistakes have been made (I'm sure you all know the saying) in the past and it makes no sense to repeat them in the present. As for harm, How are you going to know positively and with no chance you're wrong that the way you're doing something is safe? On the control thread are a lot of pictures with a a hand on the sub's throat. Asphyxiation play probably kills one or two people a year--including self-asphyxiation. Wouldn't it make sense to learn about it before you have a horrible accident?

Safe, sane, and consensual are really important watchwords for "what we do."

That's enough from me.

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I think it's a good thing to seek more knowledge about whatever it is you do and for me that means researching and finding different sources and different views. From that and from building experience, I'll construct my own knowledge and my own view.

When people talk about the scene and training, there are of course demos for certain activities and things that can serve as sources and a way to get some supervised experience.
Often though there is talk about "training" and "mentoring" in ways that seem to me to be more about a culture (that goes way beyond SSC or RACK), about protocol and about being introduced to a social circle. That's where I start getting "the one true way" vibes and things like that don't work for me.

Prof Bill said:

Two things and, no, I'm really not trying to pick either a fight or an argument. Discussion, perhaps?

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All you will get here is a fight or an argument if you go down that road. Some people seem to feel so entitled to this board they dont allow for different opinions without turning it into a fight. I wouldnt bother discussing anything here anymore.
Not how it used to be, but it is what it is now.

IrisAlthea said:

Often though there is talk about "training" and "mentoring" in ways that seem to me to be more about a culture (that goes way beyond SSC or RACK), about protocol and about being introduced to a social circle. That's where I start getting "the one true way" vibes and things like that don't work for me.

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The "culture" is what I was referring to, thanks. Though oftentimes I feel, as I get from folks like Prof Bill, that's almost more of a fandom, even. I get that vibe from a lot of asexuals too, which keeps me out of those circles.

StrayKat said:

All you will get here is a fight or an argument if you go down that road. Some people seem to feel so entitled to this board they dont allow for different opinions without turning it into a fight. I wouldnt bother discussing anything here anymore.
Not how it used to be, but it is what it is now.

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And some people around here feel so entitled to be part of discussions going on without them that they refuse to exercise their right to walk away.

Beware of both sorts.

There are no universal training standards for dogs or horses or maids or gardeners or musicians even. But we judge the results and efficacy of the training they have experienced by the things they do. So too, a slave can be trained. Observers will notice the value (or not) of the training that influenced the slave. Like other people and other animals, a person will have innate qualities and tendencies that affect how that person responds to a particular style of training and to training for a particular purpose. I don't take a pit bull into the field to retrieve ducks, I don't take a chihuahua into the ring to be a fighter. To succeed in the end, the goal, the training, the trainer and the trainee have to mesh.

It is the bottom line, the end result, that is universal in its utility and recognition to both the participants and observers.

When I take my dog into public places, no one cares how I trained her to sit in a place and wait for my return, to ignore other people and distractions, to stay at my knee when commanded to heel. They only see that she does those things on command and they know that she is trained. She knows she is trained. She is happy and fulfilled in that. She is happy and proud that she has earned the privilege of accompanying me anywhere. I am happy with her and proud of her and fulfilled by the way we work successfully together. She is trained.

And so it is with a slave.

I think my issue with "training" (as it is most commonly discussed), is that more often than not "training" ends up being a laundry list of sexual hoops for a submissive to jump through - with the carrot of being collared once training is over/ the submissive has proven him or herself "worthy". [pardon me whilst I retch ever so slightly.]

Maybe it's because I view submission from a very service heavy perspective, but to me "training" smacks of a sexual con game; a way to get one's kink on, without all the messy responsibility bits to muck things up. Because most of the time when people talk about being "trained" it involves how to kneel naked, or how to suck cock or something. I call that getting to know someone...

It bothers me when I hear (or read) people say they have no interest in the "scene." I don't care what anyone calls it, but what we do has: A) a long history, and, B) the possibility of causing great harm. I think knowing the history is important because a lot of mistakes have been made (I'm sure you all know the saying) in the past and it makes no sense to repeat them in the present. As for harm, How are you going to know positively and with no chance you're wrong that the way you're doing something is safe? On the control thread are a lot of pictures with a a hand on the sub's throat. Asphyxiation play probably kills one or two people a year--including self-asphyxiation. Wouldn't it make sense to learn about it before you have a horrible accident?

Safe, sane, and consensual are really important watchwords for "what we do."

Click to expand...

Or, maybe there are people out there who's sexuality falls outside the norm, that are either not interested in things that cause great harm, or have no more need for resources to learn to reasonably prevent great harm. Breath play was mentioned as an example of something dangerous... Yep; it can be very much so. But does someone really need to attend munches each month, or be a member of a BDSM club to learn how to do breath play in a safer manner?

As for knowing the history - there are so many freaking theories of how BDSM came to be (through the leather scene, biker scene, etc), and to my knowledge none have been confirmed as THE TRUTH. The whole "this is an outgrowth of military/ biker clubs blah blah blah..." Guess what? People have been doing kinky sexual things and playing with sexual power for hundreds of years. So what history am I supposed to follow and learn from? The history where monks whipped themselves into ecstatic frenzies? The history where biker gangs created their own sexual culture? The history where women were chattel to their husbands?