- Art of Reconciliation - (closed for Sinful_whispers)

It was strange, being back in town after all this time. Five years had passed since he packed his bag and bought a ticket to one of the big cities near the coast. When he finally got on the train and settled down in his seat, he swore he wouldn't return until he had found himself. As though he couldn't face the truth about himself and his world until he had matured and found some sort of peace.

But now, fate had caught him and forced him to go back. All the old places in town looked just like they did when he left. 'Dalon's Coffee Corner' were as tidy and crowded as usual. Youngsters still wasted their time hanging out in front of the 'BB Shop', and the flower park at the center of town was as inviting as always. Okay, small details in the scenery had changed somewhat, but that was only natural.

Judging by the reaction of those he met on his way through the streets, he hadn't changed much either. Not on the basic, shallow level that people remembered him by. They all wanted to shake his hand, wanted to know if lady luck had smiled down upon him while he was away. Most of them also felt compelled to tell him how sorry they were and how much they sympathized with him and his family. But underneath their kind words, he noticed the sorrow in their eyes. Their endless condolences were also a display of their own grief. That was the effect Ian had on people around him. It was even more evident now that he was gone.

He went to the old house of his childhood. The place where uncle Bob and aunt Katie always awaited his or Ian's return when they were young and careless and out late at night. Even now, the elderly pair greeted him as though they had expected him to arrive sooner. It was as though he had never left in the first place.

Words mattered little at the moment. He saw it in their faces. He noticed the traces of tears still lingering on his aunt's cheeks. When he joined them in a long embrace, he heard them both sob and let go of their sorrow. His presence was a comfort to them, and when he realized it, he felt how his own eyes teared up a bit. But he forced himself not to let it go any further. All the anger and pain would remain locked up inside him.

He had left them alone for a moment to look around in his old room. Sure enough, things were as he expected them to be. Posters with classic art on the wall, dusty books on dusty shelves and a certain atmosphere that time was standing still. He went to his old desk and stared at the empty photo frame. He had brought the photo along when he went away; but now he just wanted to forget about the scene. But the book lying next to the frame brought back dear memories. The most precious treasure from his childhood. Silly letters, carved carefully into the leather cover;

This Book Belongs To Jeremy Morris.

When there was only two days left before the funeral, he had yet to visit his brother's house. More interestingly, he still hadn't made contact with his brother's wife. He couldn't find the courage to call her or write a letter. He thought about her and the undeniable fact how disrespectful it was to ignore her. His aunt had confronted him, as only she could. Gently, but with an underlying sense of disappointment in her voice. He had to meet Ian's wife eventually. It was inevitable. He couldn't go to the funeral without talking to her first.

When he finally gave in and left the house, he was caught up in mixed feelings. He began the trip to his brother's house with heavy feet and slow movements. Each step felt like a struggle. When he finally caught sight of the house, he almost lost his nerve completely. The lawn around the house was neatly cut, short and green and full, just like his brother liked it. Everything about the house was like he remembered it. Although, they had painted the house in a new, fresh color. He felt embarrassed by the sudden hope that his brother would appear in the doorway. Just like he had looked for any sign of his presence at the train station. But it was all an illusion of his own mind. Ian was gone.

But nothing was as bad as the realization that he had only returned to the town to put his brother to rest. He was back in town because his dear, dear brother had suddenly passed away, before they had managed to work out their problems. People always believed they had so much time to deal with bad stuff – but it was a foolish attempt to stay on the bright side of life.

Jeremy climbed the stairs leading up to the porch and extended his hand to ring on the doorbell. But the action demanded so much more of him that a simple activation of muscles. Various contradicting emotions overwhelmed him where he stood. He managed to tap the doorbell, but then he turned his back at the door and went down the stairs again. He wanted to flee. But his escape came to a halt when he heard a noise behind him. Something that send shivers down his spine and straight into his diaphragm. It was fear and longing all in one.

He closed his eyes with a single name in mind:

Faith...?

Faith Morris, long blonde hair, green eyes, slender build

Losing anyone whether it be a spouse, sibling, parent or best friend was always hard on everyone that knew them and for faith it was just that. They had been married for over five years and she had felt like her right side was ripped from her and she wasn't feeling quite whole.

For the past week, the community had been dropping by casseroles and baked goods on her front steps either because she was out making funeral plans or just didn't want to open the door and hear another 'I'm sorry'. There were no words to say to a person who lost a loved one but those two and Faith couldn't handle hearing them one more time. She curled up that morning in the same bed she had once shared with her husband Ian and cried till she thought no more tears would flow.

Greg was a young man they hired to take care the gardening and the lawn, usually her and Ian were to busy doing other things to worry about that unless it was a weekend they had free and that was quite rare. She laid there in her nightgown and listened to the lawn mower and then the weed whacker till there was silence again.

Greg would stop by another time and pick up his check, she knew that he knew she wouldn't cheat him out of it. The young man had plans and he worked doing odd jobs to make the money for his trip. He had dreams of backpacking across the states from one coast to the other and it seemed that he was almost at his goal money wise from how he had spoke to Ian a couple weeks back.

Faith had no energy, she rolled over and caressed the pillow her husband once laid his head upon every night. Over on his nightstand was a small trinket that he had saved from their small wedding. It was very last minute and approximately ten people showed up which was all they invited. half of town was upset but Ian and faith knew that they would get over it. faith rolled over the other way, and stared blankly at the wall with a picture of them on it in a golden frame. They were standing at the Grand Canyon, an arm wrapped around each other while another tourist snapped the picture for them. It was such a beautiful day she thought.

Sooner or later she would need to move on with her life but she just didn't know how, she didn't even know if she could. They never had any children, and it wasn't for the lack of trying because that wasn't a problem by far. Ian was so good to her, he always thought of her. Every Friday night they had a romantic dinner out at a small fancy little restaurant in town, and every Sunday morning he made her breakfast, there was always a fresh long stem pink rose in a vase along with it.

Everywhere she looked was a reminder of her now late husband, faith looked at the clock and she quickly thought that he would be walking through the door in a about five hours. he would hug her tightly and place a soft lingering kiss to her lips and whisper how much he loved her. It hasn't happened in a week, and she missed it more than ever. Things people take for granted and they never think whatever it is it won't be there tomorrow or the next day...or the next year.

Faith forced herself up and looked through her closet and she knew she had to get dressed today, but it seemed to just take so much energy which she had none of at this time. Night's were made for sleeping, but not for her, she laid there night after night for hours just thinking, crying and wondering why him.


The house was old, they bought it the week before they got married and worked on it every evening and weekend till it was exactly the way they wanted it. each shrub, each flower was picked out by them and planted, everything was a we choice, nothing was a his or hers. Will she be able to live in the house without him? Would she be able to sell it? faith had no answers to anything right now, it was just much to soon.

Dropping the gown around her ankles as she pushed the silky spaghetti straps off her shoulders and down her arms she stepped out of it and hung it on the hook inside the closet door. She reached and took out a pair of worn jeans and one of Ian's button down denim shirts and got dressed. His shirt was a couple sizes to big, she was smaller framed than him and skinnier.

Ian always teased her about wearing his shirts as she would leave 'boobie blossoms' from her breasts in them. She had a 34 C chest which looked bigger because of her smaller size. Brushing her long blonde hair she placed it up on the back of her hair and left a few wisps hang around her face and decided to skip any makeup she wasn't going anywhere or seeing anyone.

Down in the kitchen she started a cup of coffee and toasted a bagel to eat. She took it outside and sat on the deck looking out to the gardens, and the vines that covered the six foot fence all the way around the yard. Soon it would be time to till the garden and get everything planted but she already decided that this year she wouldn't be doing that.

A flower truck came down the street behind her house, she could see the top two feet of it and knew the design on it well. She heard it take the corner and figured it was coming to her house...again. She had been sending flowers to the local hospital in her husbands name as she already picked out the ones for the funeral. As she stood up, she went back in and sat her cup down as she waited for the truck to stop and the doorbell to ring. There it was, the doorbell.

Faith walked through the kitchen , dinning room and down the hallway into the foyer. She could see the shadow of a male outside her doorstep with his back towards him. if it was the flower guy from what she could see through the thin white curtains that ran from top to bottom on the heavy wooden door they didn't dress like the delivery man.

Faith gripped the door knob and opened the door, she looked at the man standing there and then heard her name being said from his lips."Faith?"

She looked at him and just gave a quick answer, "yes?"

Then it hit her who it was as she got a better look at him and she didn't know what to say to him. He was the last person she ever expected to be standing on her doorstep.

Jeremy had been so absorbed by his own thoughts that he had spoken her name by mistake. It was like a reflex that kept him from falling. True, there was a lot of old emotions in each and every letter of the familiar name. Some were good; soft as the skin of a woman and forgiving as a person in love. Others weren't quite as positive. But they were all equal and part of his memories.

As he turned around to face her, he was struck by the surprising realization that she wasn't as breathtaking as he had feared she would be. Not that it was particularly comforting at all, since it remained a brief statement in his inner monologue. This grim voice inside of him raged in it's jealousy and disappointment of loosing everything to those two people he once cared most about in this world. But how could her physical appearance – simple, yet daunting at the same time – not spark just a tiny reminder in his soul that he had once felt her gentle touch on his shoulder? He knew the sensations from a time long gone were bound to resurface eventually. Question was, how would he react when it happened?

“Hello Faith...” was all he managed to say when he turned his attention to the well-known features of her face. It was a stupid greeting, too simple and ordinary. His brown eyes went from her hair to her lips in a strange action of intense curiosity. He knew her so well on the outside, but she was like a stranger to him. She probably felt the same thing about him, now that he so awkwardly focused on her without uttering a word. An endless string of thoughts went through his mind in an attempt to conjure up something meaningful to say to her.

“I am probably the last person you expected to see right now.” That was probably an understatement. But words wouldn't obey him at the moment. If things were different, he would be aching to tell her how sorry he was. Not just about Ian's passing, but about everything. There was so many things he wanted to say to her. Things he had to say to her. He wanted to make things right. But he couldn't express it in the doorway leading into the house his brother had shared with Faith. That was too extreme.

“I don't want to bother you, but Katie believed it was best for everyone if we talked before the funeral. But I'll leave you alone, if you -” He grew silent when he noticed the shirt she was wearing. It simply was too big for the slender woman to fill out. It wasn't feminine either. That could only mean it was one of Ian's old shirts. It made sense. Faith always did like to be close to others. She only had one option to recall the sensation of her late husband and that was to cover herself and her surroundings with trinkets, tastes and smells. Small things to remind her of him.

He felt the sting of bitterness in his gut. It made him slightly dizzy. The worst part of it all was how gorgeous she actually looked in her memory-ridden clothes and natural, unmasked beauty. What was he compared to that? He was nicely dressed, but it lacked personality. His time in the city had robbed his clothing of uniqueness, and all that remained was a stiff and correct attitude. It had begun when he learned about Ian and Faith, and it continued from there. He no longer had that scruffy beard the girls loved in the past. The mullet had been exchanged for a short, simple haircut. Gone were the rings on his fingers and the youthful attitude. He had matured, just like he swore he would.

“I can't imagine how...” his voice left him with the attempt at comfort hanging in the air between them. Instead, he forced his eyes away from the ring on her finger and up to her face. What would she make of all this? He had an overwhelming feeling that their encounter would end prematurely, with her slamming the door in his face. Maybe that would be for the better, for both of them.

A part of him hoped it was only his own mind playing tricks on him.

Faith just stood there looking at him, she had no idea what to say to him, other than the obvious and she said it, "Hello Jeremy." her eyes looked into his, they knew each other at one time so well, they could finish each others sentences and there were so many times they even knew what the other was thinking. They were a perfect couple in so many ways but the truth was they just didn't make it back then.

Memories came back as she stood there at their front door, she corrected her way of thinking and thought, her front door now. He looked so different and yet everything about him was so familiar.

This was a very hard time for Faith, she was very vulnerable and she did not want to have his shoulder to be the one to lean on or to cry upon. it sounded so damn mean in her head to feel that way about him but it was what it was.

He greeted her finally, his voice had changed along with his looks. His voice was deeper, it sent a shiver down her spine. it was actually something the man could do easily. Jeremy knew where to touch her, how to touch her and he knew exactly how she would react when he did just that.

“I am probably the last person you expected to see right now.” he said as she looked down on him as he stood on the step and her in the doorway. Faith could feel a tear begin to form in each of her eyes, and she was determined to not let this man see her cry. She told herself he was not worth it, but she wasn't sure who she was crying for, Ian, herself or for him, or them. It was overwhelming for her.

"Yes Jeremy, you're right you are the last but I shouldn't be surprised." She replied to him.

“I don't want to bother you, but Katie believed it was best for everyone if we talked before the funeral. But I'll leave you alone, if you...” Then he stopped as she watched him look her over. His eyes went from her face then down her body and back up. Faith wasn't sure what he was going to say but Katie was right, she just didn't know if she was ready to talk to him. There were so many emotions happening within her. She felt as if she wanted to throw up or fall because her knees were feeling weak at the same time.

Everything about him had changed, his voice, his hair, what he wore, the jewelry he used to wear and even his posture. The only things she didn't know that changed were his personality and his attitude. “I can't imagine how...” he stared to say and again another sentence not finished. faith was going to try this and if she couldn't handle it she told herself she would ask him to leave.

Taking in a deep breath she starred him straight in the eyes, "Jeremy would you like to come in instead of standing here on the steps?" The ball was now in his court but she wanted another cup of coffee and wanted to be away from the front door.

Jeremy glimpsed a faint light in the gloomy air between them when Faith asked if he wanted to come inside. Her previous response to his statement made it clear that they were not really on good terms. It probably demanded all her willpower to say the simple words that formed her invitation. He couldn't know if it was true, but the idea itself made him wonder where it would lead. How could she summon the energy to be so kind in her dreadful situation and with him standing on her doorstep? It was a true wonder to him.

“I... Yes,” His answer came out weak, influenced by the way she looked him straight into his eyes. It made him uncomfortable, as it reminded him of a bunch of 'first-times' with the woman in front of him. The first greeting, the first mutual smile, the first kiss... he shrugged off the memories as though they were easy to get rid of. Then he did his best to smile at her, friendly and satisfied, but not ecstatic. “Yes, I would like to come in. If it's okay with you, of course.”

He waited for her to step aside and let him in. As simple as it was to step inside his brother's house, it still presented him with an illogical sense of discomfort and doubt. When he walked past Faith in the doorway, he did his absolute best to avoid physical contact. But he couldn't keep his arm from brushing against her. It was a matter of milliseconds. He continued forward as though nothing had happened. But the sensation lingered on in an almost absurd way that almost made him stop and turn his face toward her. Yes, he had missed a woman for some time now, but did it really take so little to make his mind stop and his heart race?

He told himself – just like he had when he sat on the train a week ago – that she was his sister-in-law. It was a safeguard he had tried to pull over himself multiple times. But it didn't make him forget. Rather, it reinforced the contradicting emotions inside him. His righteous ideas were still haunting his mind to a point where they kept him up late into the night. He had been with Faith long before Ian even thought about setting his eyes on her. Time had blurred certain facts of the past into something he no longer recognized. But how had things turned out like this?

The foyer was pretty empty, but full of personality. A sturdy chest of drawers was the only visible furniture. But it wasn't the furniture that initially drew his attention; it was the photos standing on top of it. They lured him to proceed just a bit further into the house. Three photos that clearly revealed what sort of happiness had befallen the inhabitants of the house. Images of sunny days, good days, kind memories. But to Jeremy, the scenes of each photo was a reminder of his own bitterness and loss. Of memories he wanted to hide away inside. Like the evening where he drove off with Faith in some worn-out truck he had borrowed from 'Friesky' Sorenson-Jones, the local dealer of rusty cars and automobile parts.

He reached out and picked up the nearest photo. Ian and Faith. His brother and "his" lady. Happy. It made him wonder how much the woman actually remembered of their time together...

faith stood there with the door opened, she watched as a fly flew in and wished he would decide because all she was doing was letting neighbors and those that drove by know that she was accepting visitors which she really wanted but she knew Ian would want her to at least try to get along with his brother. So she thought as she wasn't thinking straight right now but he was getting her annoyed a bit by taking his good ol' time in answering her.

I... Yes,” he said and then stopped as she felt a bit uppity at the present moment. “Yes, I would like to come in. If it's okay with you, of course.” She wanted to scream at him. Why would she have asked him if she didn't want him to come in? Faith stepped aside and allowed him room to enter her home. She watched as he slowly moved, she could tell he was hesitant to enter as she was careful to keep a safe distance between them.

Once he was in she looked outside making sure nobody else from the small town was coming behind him. it was so nice that there were so many that were concerned and wanted to stop by and make sure she was okay, she just didn't wish to deal with it at this time. Faith took time away from her job, she taught first grade at the local school, and had for over four years. She missed her kids but decided it was best to take off the rest of the year which was only a couple months and let a sub take over for now.

Faith turned and looked at him, he turned and faced her and their eyes connected. he then diverted them from her to look around the foyer, she left him go. "I have tea made in the refrigerator I'll get two glasses and meet you in the kitchen if you wish to look around."

Walking past him she allowed him to look at everything that her and his brother had collected or trinkets bought from places they have went and pictures that were everywhere in all the rooms of their happiness. She could see him from part of the kitchen when she moved around. She was waiting for him to bring up the past and bring up all the old memories and heart breaks. he was always good at making somebody else feel bad when it clearly was his own fault.

That was one of Jeremy's downfalls to Faith, not that she wasn't human and had her own like everyone but when it came to a couple people needed to think about not only themselves but each other as one. It was hard for her to look at him, for different reasons. Jeremy was so different than Ian and yet they as brother's had so many similarities.

Ian never thought of himself first, he had always thought of her and or them as a couple. he never walked away, and he never ever took her for granted thinking that she would always be there no matter how many times she was shit on. She knew how he liked his iced tea, and made it that way and then called out to him, "Jeremy, iced tea is poured. We can go outside on the porch and sit out back" Faith said as she called to him

Right now she felt he had no right in their house, she just wanted to cry all over again. faith took her glass and slid the screened sliding door across and walked out on the private back desk where she took a seat in one of the chairs facing the back yard and waited for him to follow.

He heard her offer, but was too far away in his own thoughts to respond. He kept staring at the photos in the hallway and tried to make sense of all the events that each of them represented. All of them were happy, some overly romantic in nature and some of them even included Bob and Katie. Natural scenes from a normal family. Heck, there even was an old photo of Ian and him standing shoulder to shoulder. He remembered the day the photo was taken: They had visited their favorite fishing spot in the northern wetlands, and Ian had lost his best fishing rod to a unidentified “giant” fish. They had laughed a lot, back then.

He snapped out of the sunny memory when he heard the sound of the sliding door move. It was at that moment he recalled her message from before; Iced tea. Outside. Porch. He reacted to it by moving from the foyer, through the kitchen and onto the porch outside. Faith had already taken a seat in one of the chairs. He followed suit, found himself a chair and placed it at a certain distance from her chair.

He watched the woman next to him in silence. Wondered how he was supposed to convey his feelings to her. He was decent enough to understand how he was supposed to approach the past they shared. It was not a matter of telling her how well she looked in her misery or how long it had been since they last saw each other face to face. It was all a question of being gentle. Or so he thought.

“I know...” He ran headfirst into another irrational moment of hesitation. It was silly. Why was it so hard for him to be honest with her? Was he completely rid of compassion? “I can't imagine how you have been. With Ian's passing and, well, everything. I know my presence here equals many unanswered questions. Probably a lot of pain to you as well. That was not my intention when I skipped town all those years ago.” There is was, the first admittance of many to come. He paused, took a sip of the iced tea in his hand and allowed his eyes to wander over the scenery in complete indifference as to what they saw. Then he turned his eyes toward her.

“I need you to understand that you can count on me, if you ever need my support. I realize it's not as simple as that, and I have my own flaws to deal with. I can't say anything that will make you feel better. I know that. If you are just vaguely similar to the woman I knew, then you are much stronger than you appear to be. You deal with things in your own way. Just like I should be. You don't owe me anything, but I'm hopelessly trying to figure out this... one thing...”

The otherwise sweet attempt at being sober and kind fell victim to his own burning desire for answers. He retained his voice, kept it clear and unaffected by the fire inside his chest. The stomach-turning feeling that the truth was within range, but also extremely unpleasant. Would his next question mark a premature end to their little get-together? Would she refrain from answering and instead ask him to leave? Tell him to stay our of her life, perhaps forever?

“It's been so long, but I still wonder... why?” His eyes locked together with hers once more. He felt himself shrink a bit when he formed the question in his head. It had a touch of undesirable evil, a part of him that he did not want to bring into the light. But he wanted the answer so much. He had to ask. “Why didn't you answer my letter? Why was it Ian, and not you, who told me about your relationship? Was it simply easier that way, or did you two get involved so quickly it raised suspicion in town?”

Faith left him in her house looking over pictures that were on the wall, there were all different ones. She knew he would see the one of them as kids, that was Ian's favorite. faith has heard all the stories about that picture, the old big fish that got away from Ian. She always avoided looking at it, it was like the ones in his office of him and his brother, she avoided her husband's office whenever she could. She respected him, that was his space and it was indeed his brother so she didn't say anything, never felt the man was worth arguing over.

Finally she heard his footsteps on the hardwood flooring, the sound growing closer and closer as she then heard the screen slider move across its track and back as he closed it. She could feel his eyes upon her, and that just irritated her. Everything about his man she found irritating and just agitated her. They never had closure and that was most likely what keeps these feelings penned up and now was not the time for it, she was laying her beloved husband in the grave soon enough.

Jeremy took a chair and moved it away from her, Faith was glad because that was where Ian always sat, they shared one arm and always locked their fingers together and just watched the sun set in peace each night as long as the weather permitted.

“I know...I can't imagine how you have been. With Ian's passing and, well, everything. I know my presence here equals many unanswered questions. Probably a lot of pain to you as well. That was not my intention when I skipped town all those years ago.” He said to her as she wouldn't even look at him and just starred out into the yard, looking over the vast array or colorful blooms.

"No, you cannot imagine how I have been, nor do I ever expect you to either. Nobody knew what your intentions were Jeremy, not Ian, not even me. The one that should have." Faith could hear her own anger within her voice as she spoke to him. She wanted to cry for her husband and yet she wanted to cry for the anger she had held in for oh so long, suppressing it down deep yet it never interfered with Ian. So, she hoped.

“I need you to understand that you can count on me, if you ever need my support. I realize it's not as simple as that, and I have my own flaws to deal with. I can't say anything that will make you feel better. I know that. If you are just vaguely similar to the woman I knew, then you are much stronger than you appear to be. You deal with things in your own way. Just like I should be. You don't owe me anything, but I'm hopelessly trying to figure out this... one thing...” He said and this time he caught her attention.

"I can count on you? Your support? Where the hell do you get off saying that to me Jeremy?" The tone of her voice changed, it got angry as did she and she wasn't holding it back yet didn't raise it enough to cause any neighbors around to want to come look over the privacy fence. "I could never count on you...ever. You up and took off leaving me without a word. Yes, I see how much I can count on you and your support!" Okay, Faith thought, he wanted to open this old wound so be it. He picked a time when it was convenient for him of course, typical Jeremy. Self centered egotistical, never ever good enough ass.

"You had no intention of even looking back, you didn't care about how bad you hurt me or the pain, don't try and feed me that now." Faith took a sip of her iced tea and refused to look at him while he fed her his bullshit. Her breasts started to rise faster, her breaths quickened as he spoke and she listened.

"That woman you knew back then is long gone, she grew up fast after you left. You are so, so right Jeremy, I don't owe you a damn thing, ever." Faith replied to him with a hate-filled voice.

“It's been so long, but I still wonder... why?” He said to her, Faith could feel the blood moving through her veins grow hot. “Why didn't you answer my letter? Why was it Ian, and not you, who told me about your relationship? Was it simply easier that way, or did you two get involved so quickly it raised suspicion in town?”

It was now she turned to him with her eyes full of tears, she was trying to hold it back but it was beginning to get hard to hold years of feelings in and the wounds he had opened plus the recent death of the only man that loved her.

"I never got a letter first of all and doubt there ever was one. Ian your brother told you because I couldn't, I wasn't able to for my own reasons." Faith thought this was just way to much for her, lies upon lies and yet he wanted the truth so he was about to get it because she was going to fire with double barrels soon.

Faith stood up and blocked the sun from his body as she shaded him. "You left and left me pregnant and confused. He stepped up to the plate while you ran off for greener pastures. He wanted to pick off once again where you screwed up Jeremy! Just like Ian always did!"

She threw the glass against the sidewalk and watched as it shattered and turned to him with tears rolling from her bloodshot eyes, "He wanted to fix your fuck up, wanted to save me from the embarrassment of being a single mother but he didn't have to. I lost the baby after we wed and couldn't have any more!" He was a man Jeremy!" Faith shouted and then turned away from him and just as she was about to open the screen door she gave him a glare. "Got your answer now? satisfied? Feel better to open those wounds and make them bleed again? If so, you got what you wanted now leave!"

Faith went inside and closed not only the screen door but the glass one as well, she knew he was smart enough to find the garden gate and just get the hell out.

It was easy for him to understand why she was angry. She had her reasons, just like he had his. Maybe he should've done more to stay in touch with her than send a single letter to explain himself. He could have called her anytime, even visited her. The only faint illusion of contact between them was when he called his brother's office to wish him and Faith a merry Christmas, and although the wish was honest and true, his feelings were always suffering under the burden of the insatiable jealousy that came up whenever he thought about them.

His initial reaction to her increasingly aggressive attitude was to stand his ground and continue the argument. They had to clean up and empty the closet for any and all secrets. He had expected things to get nasty along the way, but not at the speed Faith's opinions went – and when she revealed the underlying truth, the flagship of her disappointment in him, he was utterly devastated. His mind failed him for a brief moment. Then he realized there was no argument to be had.

The bad blood between them was not a matter of different views and opinions. There was only himself, bitter and confounded by his own suspicious mind, and then there was Faith, who he had managed to hurt in more ways than he could possibly perceive. Was it really possible that her contempt for his unjustified actions ran back to the day where he left?

His mind raced, and he hardly reacted when she threw her glass against the sidewalk. He just sat idly by and watched as the tears ran down in streams over her cheeks. He wanted to stop her from leaving. But he failed, had to watch as she fled the scene and went inside the house. Her words had provided him with a completely new perspective on years of self-indulgence and arrogance. The revelation took to him to a place he never wanted to go and it paralyzed him with equal amounts of fear and surprise. He was the one to blame. Not Ian, not her, no one else – there was only him. Ian had not stolen his woman. Instead, he had protected her. They couldn't know anything about his brother's feelings for the woman. But the way she spoke of him, made it clear how great an effort Ian had made to make her feel loved.

There was no way for her to know anything about his personal reasons for leaving their hometown. Not if she hadn't received his letter. It was the key to everything. Without proper explanation, she was in her right to believe he had not only skipped town, but her as well. To think that such a mistake, an unreceived letter, could cause so much disruption in so many lives. And now, the weak and comfort-seeking side of him had got what it wanted all along; Faith had left, asked him to leave. Understandable. Justified.

Yet, in his moment of self-awareness, a tiny voice in him still argued back the best it could; Told him he was not to blame. Not entirely, at least. It took two people to waltz, two people to shout and scream and fight. The voice of self-righteousness wanted to know she had not contacted him instead. She was to blame as well.... But Jeremy recognized the deception before it took a stronger hold of him. He had lived through a mistaken perception of events. He wasn't completely sure what was happening to his world, but something told him to hold on.

Question was, could he find the needed courage to pursue this woman and make things right? Would it be worth the agony of explaining things to her once and for all? Could his head contain all the new things he had to accept?

Then again, he had fucked up already. Multiple times, judging by her words. How bad could it possibly get now? Well, she could call the cops. That was always a 'nice' possibility. But it was a gamble he had to take. Maybe she wouldn't want to listen to him now. He would accept it, because he had to and because it was the only correct thing to do.

He went to the door, held his breath and leaned slightly against the uninviting surface. He couldn't hear her. Most likely, she had already disappeared upstairs. But talking to a door wouldn't be the first silly thing he did in his life. He had done far more stupid things – sometimes alone, but mostly with Ian.

“Faye?” His voice came out low and uncertain. In his desperation to get her attention, he reached far and wide into his memory, but found only the pet-name he hadn't used in years. Now that he said it again, it felt a bit childish and unfitting for the woman in the house. But it was so much more than a simple name from their past; it was a symbol of something they had once shared. “Faye? I don't think you can hear me... But I'm sorry. I didn't know. About us. I mean, I didn't know you were...” he rested his forehead against the surface of the screen door and swallowed his hesitation. “I didn't know you were pregnant when I left. Faye, please? If you can hear me, please let me in! We need to talk about this. Face to face. I need to explain myself to you. Faye?”

He whispered her name and felt how the lack of response from inside the house slowly got to him. He turned his attention from the door to the sky above. Quite strangely, but also somewhat fitting for his mood, dark clouds were gathering in the horizon. Last chance, perhaps? “I don't know why you never received my letter. I can't explain that. And to be honest, I can't explain why I didn't call to check on you. But I swear, I would never lie about this. I wouldn't have left you, if I had known you were pregnant. Faye? Please?”

Rain started to fall. Just like Ian liked it....

Faith stood in the house and out of where he could see or hear her sobs. She knew she shouldn't have opened the door, she knew she wasn't ready to see anyone to receive visitors. Of all people for it to be it was the biggest ghost from her past to return to haunt her and to bring back all those memories of the past.

Those same ones that put her where she was today, happily married, now unhappily a widow. he made her question if she was happy all these years or had she just settled because of the circumstances back then. faith was confused, he was making her doubt the past, to unlock a door that had been sealed for so long.

Then she heard him speak, he called out to her through the screen door. 'Faye? Faith choked back the tears as she heard that nickname, the name he had called her so many years ago when he confessed his love for her and then left her. She placed her hand over her mouth and nose, closing her eyes really tight wishing he would go away like she told him to. He never listened when other's tried to speak to him, especially her.

"Please go away," she whispered into her had as she nearly choked on the tears, wishing he would hear her and go, just go.

“Faye? I don't think you can hear me... But I'm sorry. I didn't know. About us. I mean, I didn't know you were...I didn't know you were pregnant when I left. Faye, please? If you can hear me, please let me in! We need to talk about this. Face to face. I need to explain myself to you. He said as he only was making it worse for her, why didn't he see that. Doesn't he understand what the loss of a child does to a person and a spouse?

Faith watched as the sun's rays left the walls, taking the only light she had and replacing it with darkness. The windows as well as the screen door were open and she could hear the rain start falling. It wasn't a slow rain, it was fast and hard and she could hear the thunder rumbling in the background as well as the lightning cracking in the sky giving up flickers of purple and red neon lines through the sky.

Her feet slid across the floor, her back along the wall and she fell to the floor in the hallway and just cried out. There were voids inside her, in her heart that ached to be filled and she knew they never would be. Faith's head slumped forth and her body went to the side, she curled up in a fetal position in the hallway and just left it all go.

She wondered how much she had to endure to find happiness again, she was fine till he appeared, like a dark twisted black and white film from the past. Faye, Please" he said as his head pushed against the screen door.

Was this some kind of sign or a warning faith thought. Ian like her loved a storm, sometimes they scared her and he would hold her close and comfort her till it passed. This was to much for her, she felt so many mixed emotions. Jeremy had her wondering if he really sent a letter and if so where was it? Why had she not received it?

Faith lifted herself from the floor, the rains were getting harder, the thunder and lightening was closer. it started to sound as if it was cracking all around her house. She sat there and shivered, wrapping her arms around her upper body for comfort. She reached and wiped her eyes with the shirt tails, and tried to calm herself as she looked up at all the pictures on the wall, soon nightfall would come and mask them within its darkness.

Wanting to turn her head to see if he left, but she didn't she feared making eye contact with a man she had so much love for and yet so much hatred all in the same. A sudden loud crack was heard as she jumped, screaming out as lightening touched outside her house sending her into a ball as she tucked her head between her knees and wished everything would just go away and let her be.

Jeremy felt the resignation when he turned his face away and broke physical contact with the screen door. He had spotted her through the door. Sitting on the floor in her agony, crying in a way that overwhelmed him completely. The sight of her touched upon slumbering strings in his heart. Nuances in emotions he had not used or felt for a long time. The natural reaction to what he saw, was to try and comfort her. To wrap his arms around her and rock her gently in his embrace. Whisper soothing words and promises of better times in her ears. Kiss her forehead and ask for her forgiveness.

It was so easy. Yet, looking at her also frightened him. She had asked him to leave. Would she be willing to accept his advancement into her territory, even if he made excuses and reassured her that he only wanted to be a shoulder she could cry on? He doubted it. When lightning finally struck and she screamed out in terror, he restrained himself and settled with the undeniable truth that she was only person capable of dealing with her sorrow. So, he turned away from the door and finally granted her her wish. He would leave her be.

He felt like shit when he walked from the porch and onto the short grass in the garden. Turned his head multiple times to check if she was standing at the other side of the screen door. His feet felt heavy, as the rain that continued to fall all around him. He was fleeing again. How ironic it would be, if she also blamed him for this. If a man was capable of feeling the world sink into ruin around him, this surely was what Jeremy felt.

But there was a faint hope that things could be corrected, even if just a bit. That was the thing that kept him focused.

When Jeremy returned to Bob and Katie's house later that evening, his clothes were soaked wet and the expression on his face resembled that of a drowned sailor. Pale skin, lifeless eyes. He ignored their curious gazes and unasked questions and went upstairs to his old room. That place were covered in an universal feeling of safety. He took a seat on the bed and went over the events of the evening. He didn't need a repetition of his encounter with Faith. Their meeting remained clear as day to him, and the newly awakened feelings presented him with new views on his memory of her. Warmth. Attraction. Her soft, wet eyes. Sensations that clouded his ability to think and act rationally.

After he had left Ian and Faith's property, he had followed the old road to the forest and it's secrets. More correctly, he had looked for – and found – their old hideout. It wasn't much of a hideout really, just an old, broken shed with wooden boards covering the windows. This was the place where the two brothers had hidden their treasures when they were younger. A time long before sweethearts, cars and responsibility demanded their full attention. True enough, it contained a lot of memories – like Ian's first Action Man, who was still faithfully “guarding” the entrance from a shelf above the door. But, fond memories or not, Jeremy knew he had to search the place, if only to satisfy his own suspicion. With each brick he removed from the walls and each fistful of dirt he dug up from the earth floor, he begged his maker that he would not find anything.

Faith's view of events had forced him to change his own perspective on so many things, his own brother included. It was a difficult task, to change your mindset within a few hours. But he at least tried. And he didn't find the item he was looking for in the treasure den of their childhood. The fruitless result of his search made him somewhat happy.

Next step on his route was Faith's old place. The tiny apartment was part of a large building project that had been funded with huge success, but never properly finished. He literally picked the large mailbox in front of the abandoned building into tiny pieces, part by part, just to ensure he didn't miss anything. But his search was to no avail and he left the scene in disappointment.

When he next visited the old Dandy Club, it was based on an extreme hunch on his own part. He had wasted many days in that place, both alone and with Ian, Faith and a bunch of other kids. He asked the owner – Dandy Jr. - if someone had ever dropped a letter there by mistake. Maybe they had never even thought about it? But Dandy Jr. had nothing to report. Nothing like that had happened during the last five years, he said.

Last on the list was his own insane idea to break into the local post office. Thankfully, the beauty of local communities shone through, when old McCoughlin spotted him on the staircase and asked him to come inside to dry up and talk about old times. The cunning old man had listened to what Jeremy had to say. But his answer was negatve. An old letter? Forgotten? Oh no, not on his watch – that was for sure!

It had taken a lot of persuasion for him to get the old postman to open up the archives and allow him to have a small peek at the rather alarming amount of undelivered mail that had gathered over the course of twenty-five years. Unmarked letters. Letters that had been destroyed by bad weather. Letters without stamps and direction. Some even lacking text all together.

He didn't notice the envelope right away. But just as McCoughlin insisted they had to leave, Jeremy spotted it. That strange, purple envelope, similar in size to the one he had bought in a stand just a few weeks before he skipped town. He braced himself, distracted the veteran postman by his side with a question and managed to draw the letter out of it's designated pile of misfortune. He tucked it away in his back pocket just in time to avoid the suspicious eyes of the other man. After that, he thanked his host for the interesting tour and the chat and left the post office as quickly as he could. Then he headed home.

Now, in the safety of his old room with all the fantasies and endless dreams, he finally reached out for the envelope in his back pocket and watched it's surface in deep anticipation. Yes, it was his handwriting. That much was clear, even though the only words that remained was “To” and, as part of the second line, “Street”. The rest was smudged into an unrecognizable state, probably as a result of the inch he had used. But it was his letter, no doubt about it. He remembered every single word of it.

Question was, would Faith accept it as genuine? Would she even accept it, if he approached her again, or would she shun him, even at his own brother's funeral?

The storm settled in on the small town, the winds whipped and the thunder rolled in as lightening lit up the sky. rain continued to pelt against the windows as Faith sat there against the wall in what was now a dark shell of what was. There used to be so much laughter, so many good times, the music would place and her and Ian would dance together in the middle of the familyroom. So many dinners made together, drinking wine and talking about their days and now nothing but darkness, sadness and shadows of what was.

Faith tugged up on the front tails of the shirt, lifting it enough to expose her bare stomach as she cupped the material in a small pile in her hands, closed her eyes and just breathed in smelling a mixture of cologne and Ian. her past was returning and she had nobody to lean on, her rock, her pillar was gone. It was her and her alone left to pick up the pieces of what would have been.

Using the walls she pushed hr body up along it and stood there, looking at the pictures, the smiling faces, all the memories and then that one, the one and only of two boys who grew into two men that filled a part of her life. one was her left side and one her right, one left her standing alone as the other picked her up and had her walk by his side as one or as much as a couple could be one together.

Walking into the kitchen she moved in what seemed slow motion, making a cup of tea as she stepped to the screen door and pulled the glass door along it's slider as she peered out looking to the chairs that she sat in along with Ian and now Jeremy. She breathed easier knowing he went as told, no longer yelling into her house, calling her a name that had so much meaning behind it like when lovers had a song. Names were like songs, always a reminder of a time and place, bringing a memory a time from the past back to the present and that was what he did today.

The tea pot whistled as Faith stood there watching the rain fall, she could see his footsteps in the grass where he walked to the gate. Flowers swayed in the wind, their pretty petals dropping down from the weight of so many drops falling upon them, running off to the lush green grass and into the soft now mushy earth.

The sound of the tea pot caught her attention as she turned around and poured the water over the bag, adding honey as she stood there holding the small cup within her hands warming them up. walking back into the family room she sat on the couch curling her legs under her as she sipped her tea, replaying his words in her head. The pet name, the offering of his support, his flaws as he said, then there was the letter he spoke of. faith was wondering if there really was one at all, or was there and Ian hid it from her. She hated doubting him, his trust and loyalty to her, it made her doubt the vowels they took on that beautiful warm day in the eyes of all that attended.

Ian saved her from embarrassment, from being a single mother , unwed and left behind like old baggage curbside for trash to pick up. faith was lost, and almost did the unthinkable but she didn't he offered her a way out, he offered her stability, he offered her a father to her unborn child and most of all he offered her unconditional love with a vowel to always be by her side till death do they part. He would have been a wonderful father she thought but now if that had been the case, she would have been back where she was in the beginning. Things would have made a full circle connecting both ends of a mess of weaved lies and love.

Faith stood and walked over to the armoire, a piece Ian had ordered before they even moved into the house. When Faith first saw it she didn't even know if it would fit due to its height. She ran her fingers lightly over the intricate designs that were hand carved. She loved the piece and was glad it fit. Opened the two doors up, she set her cup on the shelf before a stereo speaker and ran the tips of her fingers along the backs of CDs they had collected and placed in a line from side to side on the next shelf down. Pulling out a favorite if hers, she opened it and turned the stereo on, slipping it into the slot and hitting play. John Coltrane's Blue Train CD started playing as she tried to figure this all out in her head.

The one room she never stepped into she decided maybe it was time. Faith needed to know if Ian had a letter to her from Jeremy. Curling her fingers around the handle of the cup she walked to the door to his office and starred at the wood, her free hand gripped the doorknob and she sucked in a breath and opened it. She felt a cold chill run through her as she did. The office was cold, no heat was needed but it still seemed to have this chill to her.

Faith reached and turned on the light, and she looked around. There was a wall of shelves with nothing but first editions, the classics. There were ceramic pieces of assorted fish and other nautical statues. he collected them over the years, one every so many months came by mail and he found a place on his shelves for them. Faith had a feeling it was something he did to keep him close to his brother. They always fished when they were young. That was the thing with growing up in a small town and never leaving it, you go through elementary to high school together, knowing everything about each other. Nothing was a secret, well almost nothing. her and Ian were able to keep one thing a secret till the secret passed away like petals in the wind.

faith walked over and sat in Ian's desk chair, she started searching the middle drawer and there was nothing but bills, receipts and other miscellaneous paperwork, and that was the same through all the drawers on each side for the most part. The last drawer on the right side she pulled open and pulled out the stack of papers and placed them on the top of the desk. One of the things she admired about her late husband, late she called him late for the very first time since he passed away.

As faith went through the papers she found an old phone bill with a single number circled in black ink. Looking at it, the call was incoming and years back, in fact it was Christmas Eve of the first year they were married and the first year he...they were without Jeremy. faith starred at the number and wondered who it was. It couldn't be Jeremy's because Ian would have said he called, so she thought.

Faith picked up the cordless phone on the desk and she slowly dialed the number, maybe it was an old friend, or girlfriend....it went right to voicemail and then she heard a man's voice, not just any man's it was Jeremy's and she quickly hung up. Ian probably kept it from her because it was still a thorn in her/their side.

She put everything back as it was and sighed, no letter she thought. faith got up, stepped out of his office, turned off the light and closed the door. Walking over to the stereo she turned off the CD, not as if she heard a note, took her cup to the kitchen and drug herself up stairs to the bedroom. She stripped down and slipped into a long silk gown and undressed the bed crawling in and cuddling up with the sheet, blanket and bedspread wrapping it around her for comfort. Looking at the clock it was 8:30 the earliest she had went to bed in a while.

Faith laid there, tossing and turning, the next time she looked at the clock it was 3:45AM. Tonight she hadn't found sleep there was to much going on in her mind for it. The funeral was less than 12 hours away, and she was far from ready to face everyone alone but she knew she had to. Arrangements were made, and everything had been paid for. She needed to receive guests after the funeral. The thought of everyone wandering in her house upset her, she felt as if she was being stripped of her privacy. It was only a few hours, two hours in fact that she needed to converse with others. She wanted to start on going through things, it was soon but she knew it needed done instead of looking at it every day till she got around to it.

Sleep finally found her but not for long, she woke and looked at the clock it was flashing 7:30AM, meaning the electric had went out sometime within the past 3.5 hours and the batteries kicked in keeping track. She reached over and looked at her cell phone, it was aside his both turned off and in their chargers. Faith knew they would be filled with messages, and that's how they would stay for now. She got up, wrapped the matching silk robe around her and went down to the kitchen and like groundhog day started coffee like the day before and the day before that...

Jeremy was unwilling to tell his aunt what had happened between Faith and him. He refused to answer her worried questions, and instead spent the few remaining days before the funeral to ponder whether or not he was on a wild-goose chase. He believed the letter was the only way he could convince his sister-in-law that he was not a simple liar. But a part of him doubted the relevance of the old letter. What did it matter now? Each and every word written on that piece of paper was written by another man from another time.

His old self had lived in a time of promise. Sunny afternoons full of adventure and romantic dreams. The mood was light and the spirit was high. He had poured all his heart-blood into that single letter and concluded it with a hopeful promise that he would return to her eventually. But he had not counted on Lady Luck to interfere with his plans. The text on the envelope had been destroyed and things had changed irrevocably, forever.

He had interpreted Faith's lack of response as a clear sign that he had lost her. She had considered the content of his message and found his promises too light and dishonest. But it wasn't until uncle Bob called him and asked what was going on between them, that he learned about Ian's apparent involvement with the sweetheart of his youth. That is, if the term involvement could match the serious nature of marriage. Because, as his uncle had put it, the two lovebirds were in quite a hurry to arrange their union.

Jeremy did not return to attend the wedding, so he was blissfully ignorant of the uproar caused by the scandal-like scenario between his brother and his girlfriend. It almost came to panic among some of the neat and correct townsfolk. Friend turned into foe, and everyone had their opinion on the matter. But it didn't matter to him, what they thought of how they felt about the situation. He was the betrayed one.

It was disheartening to know that Faith had not bothered to make contact with him. He hadn't received an explain on what was going on. But the fact that Ian was part of the deception, well... The news had been the breaking point, the push, that had sent him falling for months. Unemployed, single and utterly lost. Bitter and alone, madly focused on the relationship between his own blood and the woman he had come to believe was meant to be his. She was so right. So tender and sweet. They were so good together. Why had it come to this?

There had been other women in his life during the last couple of years. Several, in fact. All were attractive and sweet in their own way, but no matter how much they tried, none of them could satisfy his emotional needs. Amanda, an unusual brunette with crossed front teeth and curly hair, had almost managed to tame him completely. She had given so much of herself to him for an entire year, never demanding anything of him in return. But all her kisses, all the tears she shed for their relationship and all the sex and conversations they had, could not fill the void in his soul. Still, he was grateful to her. This woman had saved him. She had stopped his free fall and ensured that he landed somewhat gracefully, without too many scars on his self-confidence.

The funeral came closer with each hour that passed, and Jeremy grew increasingly conflicted and uncertain as a result. If he went out of the door right now, he could be at Ian and Faith's house within ten minutes. That way, he could deliver his message to her before the funeral. Before she got distracted by emotions. But no, it was a selfish approach. She was suffering enough as it was. This was a day of grief and remembrance, not a day for him to revive old relations with his widowed sister-in-law. What was he thinking?

But he did not go to the church with Bob and Katie completely unprepared. The purple envelope was safely tucked away in a pocket of his suit jacket. Once the ceremony came to an end, a great deal of the attendees would go to Faith's house and linger in the pain of family and friends. He could give the letter to her when he left the gathering. Alternately, he could just drop the envelope on her desk and let her own curiosity do the job for him. Maybe it was better like that. That way, he wouldn't be a nuisance to her before the ceremony. She would get all the time she needed.

The rain had stopped, she stood in the kitchen looking out amongst the yard seeing how the heavy rain waters pelted her flowers and forced some to now drag the ground and others were stripped bare of their petals leaving them naked in the morning sun. She shook her head, and unlocked the door, sliding it across and felt the morning winds lightly blow through the screen.

Faith wondered how bad it would be if she didn't show at the funeral, would everyone hate her? Would they look down upon her and snub their noses? was she at the point where she no longer cared? Turning around she started her morning coffee, she looked around and knew the caterers would be by to set up a table of meats, cheeses, condiments and drinks. Her neighbor was letting them in for her, she was grateful for that but still she felt conflicted about everything going on in her life right now.

Taking her coffee she went and sat outside, the chairs were dry which was a surprise, she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She wondered why they never got a dog, or even a cat. There was never even any conversation about it, and she had no idea why. They would have had the time but nothing. The company of a faithful companion would have been nice about now, one she could reach over and pet, have sleep at the foot of her bed, and even play ball with in the back yard. damn it, she thought, she was going to get a dog tomorrow. Faith laughed out, wondering if this was her making crazy decisions or smart ones, heck she had no clue anymore. This week perhaps one day she would seek a puppy since she had taken the rest of the year off and summer she could work with it.

Sipping her coffee, she knew she had to go up and get ready for her husband's funeral. The key was hidden under a flower pot on the front porch, which the neighbor already knew, she didn't want to be there when they came, she thought maybe she would get in the way or disagree with every decision they made in putting things around her home for guests. faith made sure to tell her neighbor that under no circumstances was the office permitted to be used for anything. That reminded her she needed to get an address for Jeremy to send him pictures of Ian and he when they were younger. She was sure there was other items as well and she would either mail them or leave them with their aunt and uncle. The only problem with that was she figured they may go through the boxes.

Faith finished her coffee and went back in, she headed upstairs to thei...her bedroom and tried to figure out where to start. She undressed and stepped into the hot shower, after that she worked on her hair placing it up upon the back of her head and did a soft touch to her eyes and lips, adding a bit of pink to her cheek. In her closet hung the dress her, the black dress she would wear today to place her husband in the ground and place him to rest.

The dress was simple, plain black, she wore a hat with a short veil, black patent heels and a necklace of pearls that were once her grandmothers. She made sure her sunglasses were in her purse along with tissues. many offered to drive her, a car was even offered to pick her up but she decided she would drive herself to the church, then go in the Hurst, and at the cemetery she would ride back with a friend of theirs. Ian wanted no memorial service to be held prior to the service, just the service and that was it. if he had it his way that wouldn't have even happened but Faith and he finally decided on a compromise.

Faith left the house and drove to the church, she was there before any other family or friends. She met with the minister, and watched as he met the coffin at the door and she walked with him and the men from the funeral parlor into the room where it was placed. Then the lid was opened and faith was able to pay her last respects and say goodbye alone.

When Jeremy stepped out of the car and caught sight of the church ahead, he was reminded of a time where Ian and he had got themselves into big trouble. The old church had served as their refuge during the time where a bunch of older boys had felt that the two brothers needed a good beating. But the sight itself was bittersweet. Had Ian and Faith said their wedding vows inside the old building? Why had he not been there? Why had he not just picked up the phone, called her and -

The sobs of his aunt Katie immediately brought him back to the present and away from his inner search for self redemption. He leaned a bit closer to the woman next to him and offered her his arm for support. It turned out, it was as much a welcome action as it was a source of grief to her. But if he 6could help her, even if just slightly, by holding her hand, then he would do so. They were family; and Katie and Bob missed Ian just as much as he did, if not more.

When they were only a few feet away from their destination, Jeremy gently caressed his aunt's arm and got out of her grasp. He then allowed Bob to take her arm and support her for the remaining, incredibly hard trip inside the building. A trip that would end with them saying goodbye to a man, who they had raised as their own son. It was not an event Jeremy felt like participating in. There was nothing he could do for them, other than remind them of his late brother. But, of course, he would be right behind them as always.

He greeted the minister with the most neutral expression he could muster up and thanked him. He didn't even know why he did so, but it just seem to come natural. The older man just smiled back at him, as forgiving and understanding as only a man in his job could. Then he moved along and into the room with the coffin. He barely got a glimpse of his uncle's face, when he turned away from the coffin and followed after Katie. They were both so devastated. He had prepared himself for it, but no matter how logical it was for them to weep for Ian, it still shocked Jeremy to witness it.

He went to the coffin. Stared at his brother's cold, dead body in what felt like an eternity, but was only seconds. His mind went blank and he turned away from the coffin to look over the room. He felt completely alone. Just like he had been for the last couple of years. Though he had not been physically secluded, he had been emotionally distant and suspicious of others. All thanks to his own mistakes. All the things he had planned to say and think and feel at this particular day were all gone, now that he finally stood at his brother's coffin.

Where was she? He needed to see her, even if only from a distance. She was not just a part of his past; she was his sister-in-law. The only remaining connection he had to Ian. Even if his brother was only memories now. She had been the last person around him. Maybe even the last person to see him alive. Jeremy had not even bothered to ask her what had happened Ian. People had told him about it, of course, but it was something else to hear it from the spouse. Maybe, if he hadn't been such a selfish fool, he would've asked her what she had to say about Ian when he had invaded her privacy two days ago. Perhaps she would have been able to tell him something valuable about their family. Because they were family. Weren't they?

But Jeremy? He had just hung up on Ian a few months ago, in a terrible fit of anger. He had been drunk enough to call him for the first time in months. Not to make contact, but to try and make him understand what he had done to his life. Truly, Ian had responded like only Ian could; Calm and completely in control of facts. Though he had not said anything directly, he had told Jeremy things his mind was not able to put together while it was under the influence of huge amounts of alcohol.

The embarrassment of the memory forced him to shake his head. He needed fresh air to clear his mind. He need to get away from his brother's coffin and his brother's wife. Yes, she was not his. Did it really have to come to this for him to realize it was all dead? Did he really have to fully assert the weight of his love and the trouble it had caused for others, to make up for his mistakes?

He steered quickly toward the exit of the room with his right hand covering his mouth, as though it could keep the sick feeling hidden inside him forever. But when he stepped through the door and his eyes went toward the nearest exit, they found something else instead. There she was, Faith. Surrounded by familiar faces. She was probably on her way to find herself a chair close to her family and Ian's uncle and aunt.

His brown eyes fixated on her and his hand left his mouth. His stance almost crumbled below the rush of spring in his stomach. Seeds of hope. This indiscreet, immoral emotion that tempted him to walk up to the woman and comfort her. Not to make her feel better, but to help his own ego and to put a momentarily hold on his desire to be close to her. But it would be fake, and it only took a moment for Jeremy to realize just how ashamed Ian would be, if he knew about his mindset.

That was when he turned around and left the ceremony.

Faith stood there at the casket she looked down and she whispered soft words to Ian, she wondered why he was taken from her so early in their lives, why he would hide the fact that his brother had called at Christmas. It was still a thorn in her side but she felt he was hiding things from her and that made her wonder what else he was hiding as well.

Walking away from the casket wasn't easy for faith, there was nobody else around and she could feel her knees just want to give out from under as she choked back the tears. She was tired of crying, but the tears wouldn't stop flowing. Faith looked aside her and watched as the minister sat aside her and spoke softly to her trying to give her words of encouragement. They helped but this was it, this was her closing this was her final last bit of time she had with her husband, finality. It was a word she hated to think about but she was also angry within.

The minister got up, letting her alone with her thoughts. Faith stood as friends and family walked in she greeted them as she felt her stomach getting upset. it took everything in her to stand there, listen to them speak as everything was sounding like the teacher on all those Charlie brown holiday specials. The tight hugs, the tears shed on her shoulder, and the words they spoke just seemed to be an endless river of I'm sorry that floated along from one person after another. What do you say other than those two words? Faith couldn't think of anything else as she left her mind drift away.

Her friend Anne walked over to her, she looked at Faith and said she looked pale, taking lead she walked Faith to another room and left her sit down on a chair as she sat across from her. Anne knew the story behind the wedding to Ian, she was the one and only. Faith even went outside their small town to find out if she was pregnant. Once that came back positive it just seemed to snowball from there. Jeremy up and left without a word, Ian asked her to marry him, the wedding, the house, then the loss...it happened so fast that sometimes Faith cant even remember some things, like it was a dream.

Anne walked away and left her to sit there in a room alone. She didn't care what others thought, where was she? Why wasn't she out there? It just didn't matter, in fact she was tired of doing what everyone thought she should instead of doing what she needed to do. This may have not been the appropriate of times but that was her mood and with Faith, it seemed everything she did was done by that.

That morning was like any other morning for Ian and Faith. was bright and early on a Saturday, they woke up, went down into the kitchen, made coffee and cooked breakfast together. They sat outside discussing about going on vacation that summer, maybe abroad. They spoke of going to Tuscany. Faith had a favorite movie, Under the Tuscan sun and he would watch it with her suffering through the chick flick without saying anything. He held her when she cried and laughed along side her. Maybe she would go alone. That thought made her think of the penny he gave to her that she saved as a reminder of her other favorite movie Somewhere in time.

Everything changed so suddenly for them, for her. Faith went and got dressed they were going to go out and work in the flower beds. he told her he would be in his office checking emails for work, trying to stay ahead but promised her there would be no working involved just reading. Anytime outside the office was her time, their time unless a major emergency which wasn't to often and usually it didn't take long.

Faith remembers coming down the steps and looking in at his desk, she saw he was slumped over and gasping for air, she ran over to him, he looked at her as she dialed 911 in a panic and it a matter of seconds he was gone. They said there was nothing she or anyone could have done for Ian. he had two aneurisms, one went to his brain and immediately after that one went to the heart and he died instantly. faith always thought if she would have dressed faster, or dressed before she went down in the morning...but the doctors told her it wouldn't have mattered what she did the outcome would have been the same.

She walked out and stood in another room with friends and there he was he walked in and she connected eyes with him. he was coming most likely from viewing his brother. She stared at him for what seemed forever, a moment in time frozen. It broke when she was told it was time, she went in and took her seat with his aunt and uncle.

The minister took his place at the pulpit, he did the introduction and welcomed all, then the first prayer and a hymn in tribute to Ian. Next the psalm The Lord is my Shepard was said, it was comforting to Faith. Prayers were said and then it closed with the Lord's prayer and then there was finality of this part as the minister said a farewell and committal.

It was time to head to the cemetery, Faith looked for the pole bearers, Ian's friends took their place, there was a spot for Jeremy but Faith didn't see him so their Uncle took his place. She wondered if they even told Jeremy he was one if he so chose, it would be another thing they would argue about down the road. Faith took her place and she walked out and stood by the door. She wondered if he was around, she hadn't seen him since they looked at one another across the room. Faith waited for them to start down the long red carpet with the casket.

He had expected the day to be hard. There was no easy way to go through the burial of a family member. But with all the revelations of the past few days filling his thoughts, it proved too overwhelming for him in the end. He lost contact with himself as he wandered outside the building and searched for somewhere to regain his composure. He found himself leaning against a nearby tree, gasping for air in an intense struggle to find himself again. The sound of hymns and psalms from the ceremony inside did little to help him clear his mind of the dark thoughts. It actually urged him to move further away from the ceremony.

He was sad, yes. Grief had a hold on him and yet... he had not shed a tear for Ian. His emotions had changed drastically, from bitter anger directed at his brother to breathtaking shame for being so wrong in everything he had felt and believed in the last five years. He had justified his anger with logic. It made sense for Jeremy to spite his brother, even though he was dead and unable to defend himself against the accusations. Ian had stolen his girl. He had believed that for so long that it had grown into reality. His reality.

When Faith informed him of how things truly were, his illusion was dissolved into what it was: A young man's selfish attempt to retain his pride and stay completely innocent in the eyes of others. Trouble was, he was the culprit and the villain. Ian was the good buy, as he had been since childhood. This typhoon of increasing self-hatred and blame interfered with his otherwise solid reasoning. The fact that he had finally discovered Faith again, in all her beauty and charm, only served to make him feel like a slime. It pushed him further out of course.

He made his way to the cemetery, fully aware that he would soon stand face to face with the entire gathering of people who were attending his brother's funeral. He had forgotten he was supposed to help carry his brother's coffin. Now it was probably too late to go back. It seemed everything was bound to go wrong for him. Not that he really deserved the honor of helping his brother cross the final distance to his grave. But what about Ian? Didn't he at least deserve that kind of respect from his own brother?

Jeremy found the newly dug hole in the ground, but walked a bit further beyond it's location. There is was, their parent's grave. Just like he remembered it. It was only fitting, of course, that Ian would be put to rest so close to them. They had never known them, not really. Both of them had been too young to remember anything. Ian always claimed he could still hear the sound of their mother's voice clearly. Jeremy couldn't recall anything. No smells, no sounds. Nothing. Maybe that was why he had often neglected to visit their grave?

“Mom? Dad?” He looked at the headstone, but took no real notice of it's inscription. To abstain from the weirdness of talking to someone who wasn't present, he allowed himself to dive deep into a childhood memory of sunny days. “Aunt Katie used to tell us that we could always talk to you guys, if she was not around and we felt alone and scared. I'm not really a fan of speaking to deceased people, but... I don't know what to do. I'm so desperate right now and I don't know what you two would say to cheer me up, because I never knew either of you... Ian is on his way. That is, if he's not already up there with you and... well... What do I have to do to make up for my mistakes? If there is a sign I have not noticed... I wish you could make me see it. But it's impossible...”

His ears picked up the sound of footsteps approaching. They were on their way. Silence was their comfort, but it couldn't prevent the loud sound of shoes against stone from flying high into the air above them. Jeremy ran a hand through his hair, took a deep breath of air and exhaled just as he turned around to see the approaching funeral procession. They were amazingly fast. He walked the short distance back to the prepared grave and watched in silence as everyone came closer. He nodded at the majority of them, as a faint replacement of the greeting he had not presented them with earlier.

He locked eyes with his uncle Bob for a moment, but was in no position to read the older man's expression. Katie, looking weaker and smaller than ever, walked close to Faith as though the presence of Ian's widow could soothe the pain she felt. Maybe it was just a coincidence. It was at that moment that Jeremy made a risky decision and silently approached his sister-in-law. He couldn't smile at her and only barely managed to look her in the eye.

“Faith?” He placed his right hand around her wrist and caressed her skin gently with his fingertips. Just to get her attention. “I'm going to say a few words in a moment and you may not like what I have to say. But no matter what happens, I need you to understand that I do it for Ian and you. I cannot make up for my indifference and inaction in the past. But there is no way I can look myself in the mirror, if I do not do this.”

Then he let go of her. He had only been in contact with her for a few moments, but it had it's undesired effect on his body and soul. To make sure she did not try to stop him out of fear of his intentions, he moved away from her and Katie and placed himself among the other attendees. He hung his head, eyes closed to hide how nervous he was about the next and final step of the funeral.

Faith watched as the casket was brought out by the pole bearers. She stood there till they passed and took it down to the hurst. She was escorted by a friend of the family to the hurst as well, she slid into the seat and waited for the car to start as everyone else walked out, getting in their cars and lining up.

She knew the black sedan behind her was Ian's aunt and uncle, she wasn't sure if Jeremy was riding with them or not. faith didn't care at the moment she just wanted to go home, do what she needed to do there then just be alone, to have some peace and quiet.

It felt like hours had went by but the car finally started and the line began with theirs in the lead. There was many who lined the streets of the small town, he wasn't a hero to anyone but her in a sense. Picking up the pieces of her shattered life and helping her semi place the shards of glass back together again. Ian was kind, caring and he would help anyone if they asked which is why they stood there watching the line of cars drive by to the final resting place of her husband.

The cemetery was on the edge of town, they drove through the open black wrought iron fence gates and drove straight up the black macadam road to the very top of the hill. On each side of her Faith looked out the windows, for a graveyard it was beautiful. The grass was a lush green color, the flowering trees were in full bloom, flowers placed on most graves along with American flags for those in the military. She was pleased with his final resting place. He was close to his parents, and a huge weeping willow tree which would shade them all on the hot days.

Looking over she saw a man standing close to where Ian was to be buried, it took her less than a minute and she realized who it was. Faith felt her hear ache once again. The long dark car came to a stop, she waited as one of the men from the funeral parlor came and opened her car door as she stepped out.

The men gathered to carry the casket once again, the minister led the flock to the grave site and faith followed in the back, she could feel her heels being sucked into the ground from the heavy rain the night before. Flowers were all around the site, she watched as he was placed there for all to have one last moment to pay their final respects.

She moved through the crowd with their aunt, and took her place at the side of the casket while the minister spoke once more and said his prayer. Faith could hear the sobs and sniffles, she tried holding hers back the best she could but she feel the tears running down her cheeks as she reached and wiped them away.

Out of nowhere she felt a hand upon her wrist, fingers tightening lightly, as she stood there, still and listened to him speak. it was Jeremy. Faith couldn't pull away, he would make a special of herself so she had to endure his touch upon her skin as she tried to block an all to familiar feeling that was there oh so long ago.

He leaned in and whispered to her softly as she closed her eyes behind the dark glasses and black lace veil. “Faith? I'm going to say a few words in a moment and you may not like what I have to say. But no matter what happens, I need you to understand that I do it for Ian and you. I cannot make up for my indifference and inaction in the past. But there is no way I can look myself in the mirror, if I do not do this.”

Faith felt like she was about to faint. What if he spoke about what she told him? her stomach felt ill suddenly and she just wanted to turn and leave. She opened her eyes and a man stood there with a rose in hand, he handed it to her as she nodded and thanked him.

It was now time for anyone to speak, and she just swallowed hard. She would hate him if he spoke ill of Ian. He was a good man, it didn't matter if she loved him or not. Ian knew what it was, he assured her that she would grow to love him in time. Faith choked back the tears standing there waiting for Jeremy to speak.

There seemed to rest an unsettling degree of silence over the crowd, when the minister finished his prayer and stepped aside to allow the closest family members to say a few words about the deceased. Effectively, Jeremy was the closest relative to Ian, but he found it hard to concentrate properly with all the eyes that turned towards him when he walked to the end of his brother's uncovered grave. It was as though the gathering expected him to say something vile and unsuitable for the occasion. But he would not give them any excuse to think such thoughts twice. He turned his eyes toward the sky and began to talk with a strength of voice that surprised himself:

“I'm sure Ian would have loved to see the great number of people, who have shown up here today to say their last farewell to him. Because Ian like the company of others – and people loved him in return, because he was honest and friendly with everyone he met. He was compassionate and never refused to help others. Even if he hardly knew the person, who sought his help, he would do his very best. If you were in some kind of trouble, you could count on Ian to provide advice and support. It is a remarkable thing, to be so respected at such a young age.”

He turned his gaze down to the closed casket and sighted in silence. “But he was not just a kind man. He was a responsible man with a lot of things going on at the same time. Always on the lookout for new projects that would make a difference to others. Like when the playground in the park was too old and unsafe for the children to play on. Ian made a few phone calls and the deal was done. It only took a few weeks until the new playground was ready for use. As harmless as it may sound, it defines Ian pretty well. He rarely thought about himself. He always put other people's needs before his own. I believe we can all learn something from his example.”

Jeremy took a deep breath. His little speech had not really touched upon anything that affected him in a deeper sense. But he knew it would only take a few breaths before he got to that point. He would just have to do what he could to stay focused on the words and dodge the emotions hidden within them.

“There was a time where Ian and I went to one of the neighbor town to look for girls. We did that a lot when we were younger. It was usually his idea. Thing is, we hardly ever found any girls that were interest in riding with us. But we always had good, innocent fun. He was my brother. My best friend.” Jeremy paused for a moment, alarmed by the sensation of a tear forming in the corner of his eye. He blinked it away, annoyed by the situation but failed to realize that no one took any notice of his lonely tear. “I owe him so much. My heart and mind is overflowing with all the stuff that he taught me. I owe everything I have to my uncle and aunt, two lovely people who raised both of us... but I owe everything I am to my brother. All the stuff I can to do today, is thanks to him. Practical things, like tracking the best fishing spots in the county and repairing a car so no one can see you just borrowed it without asking for permission.”

His last remark drew something that sounded similar to laughter from a few corners of the crowd around him. Not that he really heard it in his private agony. He tried to turn his head toward the people to his left, but it was too hard for him to look at anyone. So he turned his attention to a cloud that just passed by on the sky above. The next part would be tough.

“I regret that I did not have any contact with him during the final months of his life. We all think we have so much time to correct our mistakes, but... sometimes we just can't make it. There's probably a lot of you, who still wonders what happened five years ago... when I suddenly left town without a trace... and Ian went on to marry my girlfriend shortly after my departure. Some of you are dying to know, I'm sure. I don't blame anyone for having an opinion about what happened. It's only natural. But I regret the things my brother and his wife had to go through. If there are still people in this town, who doubt the honesty of Ian and Faith, then they better listen carefully - Right now!”

“It was I, who left. I left town for my own selfish reasons and by doing so, I left behind the only woman I have ever truly loved. That was my decision. I relived too heavily on a single letter that never reached it's desired receiver. I had promised her everything, but I couldn't keep my promises. So Ian did the only honorable thing he could. He did what a real man would have done. He stepped in and helped her deal with the mess I had left behind. He stood strong, while I... I ran away.” He hung his head once more, in shame. The things he was telling them were not entirely true. But it was not up to him to reveal what Faith had told him. No one had to know about her pregnancy or about their child. That was no one's business.

“If there is still hatred in this town and it's directed at their actions, then it better stop immediately. I am the one you should hate. Don't you dare hate or blame Ian for being who he was. Do not be disrespectful toward his widow. Shun me if you want, but protect her as only a community as strong as this can. They have already suffered enough through the lies and suspicion. I am to blame! Not them.”

“Ian. My brother. I know you died as a happy man. If anyone in this world deserved that rare honor, it certainly was you. You were a much better man than I could ever hope to be. I'm sorry I messed up the bond we had as brothers. I miss you so much, I -” He was defeated the moment his mind zoomed in on the famous three words that so often define the relationship between family members, friends and lovers. The tear in the corner of his eye finally went down his cheek. It was a warning of what was to come if he did not pull himself together. “You still owe me that beer, you know? I can't wait to get it when we meet again someday...”

Jeremy ended his speech and stepped away from the grave. He had no idea how the people around him would react to his words about the events that took place long ago. It certainly raised some eyebrows, and his demands had probably left some of the spectators in a mild degree of shock. But what did it really matter in the end? He had said what he wanted to say. He had made a sacrifice to undo any speculations there could possibly be about Ian and Faith's marriage. Even if his sister-in-law would never find it in her heart to forgive him, he felt sure that his brother was smiling down at him.

Everyone was quiet, looking to their left, right and then around for anyone that was going to speak. faith watched as all heads turned looking to Jeremy who walked to the head of the coffin and stood there looking around quickly then up to the sky as the clouds seemed to quickly move above their heads. Nobody knew what he was going to say and things grew quiet, so quiet anyone could drop a pin in the grass and we would all hear it land.

As he began to talk, Faith felt a knot in her stomach form. She felt nauseated and wanted to throw up. he was going to say everything she told him. The secret would be out and drama and rumors would flow through the town like a flash flood. Jeremy spoke about his brother like e was a saint, he was close. There really wasn't anything the man wouldn't have done for you as he was like that all of his life.

There was more that Jeremy didn't know about his brother and sister in law. There was so much that other's didn't know. Not family, not friends not anyone but Fait, Ian and one other that fit into the mix that nobody even knew about. it was so long ago, one choice screwed up so many things and it was done all for the right reasons.

As faith stood there she looked down at the long stem red rose within her fingertips, she twilled it and it made her think about the red petals Ian placed upon the bed and carpet the first night they slept together. Usually couples do so on their wedding night, Faith and Ian didn't. it was much longer than that. She glanced up at Jeremy from behind her glasses and heard his words, she was processing them slowly.

she listened to him talk of their childhood and how Ian and he did things together. it was stories she knew about. They were friends since even before kindergarten. Those stories she heard so many times through the years, though today they didn't make her smile so much as they once did.

Jeremy was right she thought, he did owe Ian and in some weird way Ian owed him as well. They were good for each other, they were more than brother's. Ian was like a father figure, he was always picking up the pieces for Jeremy and he never complained. He chalked it up as a wild kid that grew without parents and as much as their aunt and uncle tried to fill those steps it just wasn't the same.

Faith smiled when the rest of the crowd laughed a bit at Jeremy's story about the car. She remembered when he told her about that when they were dating and laying by the lake just talking, holding hands and kissing so lovingly. She thought he was the one to be standing at the end of her road but it turned out his older brother was instead giving up everything and offering it to her instead of the one he really should have. It was a selfless act.

Faith looked down as she took a deep breath, she listened to Jeremy continue to speak, this time it wasn't those funny stories this time it was about the three of them and what happened between them. He spoke about leaving town without a trace and then talked about her and Ian which upset faith. He was airing the dirty laundry, their dirty laundry here at the grave site. She wanted to turn and walk away but that wouldn't be right, though walking was the wrong word, she wanted to run as fast as she could before he spoke the whole truth of her and Ian's marriage. Faith wanted to know if he was doing this to get back at her.

“It was I, who left. I left town for my own selfish reasons and by doing so, I left behind the only woman I have ever truly loved. That was my decision. I relived too heavily on a single letter that never reached it's desired receiver...." Faith looked at him, there it was about some letter again. Faith never found one, but she only searched his office maybe it was hidden elsewhere, maybe there wasn't one at all...maybe she was never meant to get it.

Faith was relieved he didn't tell it all, that would have crushed her, his brother's memory and it would have made for many a more rumors. Jeremy wasn't around for five years, he didn't realize he was maybe opening all the old wounds that took so long for Ian and her to push under the rug and smother.

When he said Ian. My brother. I know you died as a happy man. If anyone in this world deserved that rare honor, it certainly was you. Faith agreed with that statement one hundred percent. he finished and stepped away, those in the back were whispering between each other, all the old stories were going to resurface but Faith didn't care, Ian was no longer around to hear them only she would take them all in and push them down within herself till it all went away again.

A few others spoke, quick words and then walked away. Faith had said everything she needed to him this morning. The minister said a prayer and Faith stepped forth on wobbly legs and laced the red rose on Ian's casket then stepped back to her place. As other's were doing the same she took leave and walked back to the where cars were parked and was glad hers was among them, that a close friend drove it over for her.

Faith slid in behind the wheel, took off her glasses and sat there looking at the crowd breaking around the casket and walking towards the line and rows of cars. She turned the key over and listened as the motor purred. Backing up she moved her car around another and turned around and drove off. That was so hard, it was harder than when she placed her father into the ground. Her and father were not close, and her mother was in a home for Alzheimer patients. She didn't even know Faith anymore when she went to see her. That was hard to deal with.

The drive home was something faith couldn't even remember as she pulled into her driveway. Sitting there for a few minutes she looked up and saw her neighbor standing there on her front porch. faith opened the car door and got out walking up the sidewalk to the front porch, her neighbor hugged her and opened the door and they both walked in. faith looked around, her home didn't even seem like her home, there was tables of food and drinks. faith wanted the next couple hours so go just like the ride home from the cemetery.

She thanked her neighbor who stayed around to help her. Faith went upstairs and opened her closet she reached in and grabbed a locked wooden box and placed it on her bed. She went to her dresser and took out the small key, returned to the box as she sat on her bed and opened it. Inside was a pile of letters wrapped in a pink ribbon that were once Ian's. He tossed them away one night and Faith found them, kept them and when he was around she read through them.

They were from another woman he had a relationship with for almost two years, he had plans with her and then he gave his happiness up for not really her but for a child that would have been his nephew or niece. She then realized that when he spoke about learning to love in time he was not only speaking about her but himself as well. She placed the wooden box back into the closet after locking it, placed the key away and took the pile of letters back down stairs.

Opening the office door she found a big manila envelope and placed them into it. Faith sealed it and wrote Jeremy on the outside of the envelope and walked out of the office closing the door behind her. She placed the manila folder on the small table in the foyer. If he came be he would see it, and take it with him without asking questions. As she turned to walk into the kitchen, the door bell rang and friends and family began pulling up. Faith smiled and welcomed them in. She removed her hat and placed it on top of the amore.

"Please eat and drink so it doesn't all go to waste." Faith said looking around. The door bell rang over and over, other friends answered it for her as people just continued to come in. faith poured herself a glass of wine and walked out back on her porch. She stood there and felt the tears roll from her eyes as she looked out into the yard. If people knew about the marriage they may be shocked then again, she was sure some had doubts and questions.

Contrary to Faith and the majority of Ian's closest relatives, Jeremy stuck around to keep an eye on the remaining attendees of the funeral. Not because he was much stronger than anyone else, but because it frightened him to realize how close the end suddenly was. There was no comfort to be found in the idea of walking away from his brother's grave. He couldn't just leave just yet. Besides, what awaited him elsewhere? A funeral feast in a house where he hardly felt welcome? Or perhaps his own childhood room, old and dusty and so full of memories that really did nothing but gnaw away at his emotions?

No, Jeremy did not really feel like he had anywhere to go. He just stood at his brother's grave and wished that everything that had happened would turn out to be a dreadful and all too long nightmare. But as the crowd thinned out and people left the site in deep silence, he felt even worse than before. Surely, Ian would've liked him for being the last man standing there. They had always managed to step in for each other as kids. If one forgot an appointment or chore, the other would usually do his part to keep things good and well. It kept them out of trouble, and nurtured the close bond that was so special between them.

The grown man discreetly wiped his nose with the back of his hand and tried to smile. Not a anyone or anything in particular. He just tried to smile to get a sense of how it felt to smile, knowing that his brother would never smile back at him again. The last visitors had left. Now he was completely alone and undisturbed at the cemetery, with only the distant singing of birds to keep him aware that he was not the one who had passed away that day.

There it was again, that dire need to shed tears and howl at the sky above. It felt so inescapable, like he was destined to cry eventually. But both brothers had always been incredibly stubborn, and Jeremy was not set on crying his eyes out over his brother. Not yet, at least. If there had to be a time for that, then it would have to wait. But such stubbornness had a tendency to backfire. He knew that perfectly well.

He reached inside his jacket for a handkerchief he could use to clean his face with. But instead, his fingers came in contact with the envelope that was safely tucked away inside the pocket. He had forgot about it, if only briefly. Now it served as a bitter reminder of the things he still had to do. Faith would read the letter. She would have to. Even if he had to leave for good, and it would take fifty years for her to sum up the energy to face his written words... she just had to. Someday. He didn't dare to consider any other alternative.

Another sigh escaped his lips and he shook his head. His hand went up in the air next to him, as though he was waving a farewell to someone. Then he turned around and walked away. He moved through of the gates that functioned as the entrance to the cemetery, and further down the road, heading for the neighborhood where Faith used to live a supposedly pleasant life with his brother. He walked past many familiar locations on his way, but none of them really caught his attention. He only met a handful of people on his way and most of them more or less ignored him. Probably because he looked both unfriendly and extremely distant.

Maybe it was best if he left town. With Ian's funeral out of the way, there wasn't really any reason for him to stick around. He would continue to visit Katie and Bob, of course he would, and he would come back to put flowers on his parent's grave... but it was time to move on. Now it was just a matter of dealing with the remaining wounds of the past, if it was possible. Maybe some sort of closure would make it easier for him to finally settle down somewhere else. Somewhere far away from her.

When he finally turned a corner and went down the sleepy road that led to his destination, he accelerated greatly, determined to get to the funeral feast as quickly as possible. Not to socialize, drink, eat or share silly anecdotes with the other guests. Not to pay his respects to the widow or his own, mourning relatives. He would just walk in – preferably through the backdoor – and drop the letter in a suitable location. He would note down his cell phone number on a separate piece of paper and leave it with the letter. Then he would disappear, as quickly as he had arrived. Then she could contact him, if she had anything to say. This time, there was no mistakes and no excuses. It would all be in her h -

Jeremy's mind went blank. His thoughts had carried him all the way, across the front yard of Faith's residence and around the building into the backyard, only to guide him into an unknown trap. Just as he had felt how well his plan could work, he came face to face with no other than the woman, who the plan revolved around. There she was, on the porch. A glass of wine in her hands, tears on her face. She was a pathetic sight, one that evoked slumbering desires in him. Needs, he wanted to be without, but couldn't shake of. There was a time where it was natural for him to comfort her. To walk up right behind her, kiss her ear and tell that everything would be alright... tell her all those sweet words he was so good at.

“Fai... Faith?” It was the only thing that came over his lips. The once so natural order had been forced aside by other realities. The sight of her sorrow was like watching a taboo unfold right in front of your eyes. Unpleasant and too private. Good intentions or not; he was not meant to be there to witness it. He panicked, turned around and went to the front of the building. There, he knocked on the front door and felt completely drained of the energy that had driven him onwards only moments ago.

He was greeted by one of the neighbors. Not that it came as a surprise. She was an unfamiliar face, but not at all of the unfriendly kind he had expected. She welcomed him inside and went over the practical things very briefly. Drinks there, food here – rooms and guests all around. Like it was some kind of party. He thanked her stiffly, still trying to figure out how to salvage the remains of his wrecked plans. Faith would be surprised at finding his old letter. That was a fact. Just because she knew he was around... well, that didn't change anything.

He walked toward the staircase. A hunch told him it was wise to leave the message upstairs. She probably had some sort of office up there. It would be the ideal place for him to 'forget' his private document. It was very easy, actually. So easy, that it was bound to go wrong.

Jeremy hadn't even climbed the first step of the staircase, when an all too familiar voice drew his attention and interrupted his plans. It was Dan Collins, a friendly ghost from his past. Just what he needed – the old gang! They were all there, he told him. Dan was happy to see him. Years of separation didn't always matter when it came to friendships. Before he knew of it, Dan had dragged him into a secluded part of the living room where most of his youth and childhood seemed to collide.

Dan was right. They were all there. Every singly one of them were old friends of both Morris-brothers. Tommy and Josef immediately raised their glasses toward him in their usual greeting. Elliot moved his large corpus slightly to the right to make room for Jeremy to sit down next to him. But other than that, 'Dirty Joke' Elliot didn't really seem to notice anything that happened around him. Keith informed him their old comrade had been in a state of shock since Ian's passing. Jenkins – sporting a big beard as always – shook his hand and went out in the kitchen to grab a bite to eat. Stacey just sat there in a large chair, waved at him, but kept silent. She looked remarkably pale.

Next, he exchanged smiles with Amy, one of Ian's ex-girlfriends, who had recently come out as a lesbian. So he had been told, at least. Gossip was a common thing in town – but if it was true, she was probably the first official lesbian the town had ever had. It was a quite disheartening fact, to be honest. Jeremy's eyes moved on to James, who was already staring passionately at the glass of white wine in front of him. The stains of tears on his cheeks revealed why he was so much more interested in getting drunk than being social. No one could blame him for that. Lastly, there was Leisha, sitting on a chair to his left. High school's nerdy girl. Back then, people only saw her because she wore such clumsy glasses. Now, people – especially the men – were more focused on other parts of her body. The way she dressed also had a tendency to spark a heavy debate among the older women in town. If there was a single individual in their little gang, who had successfully defied the rules of evolution, it was Leisha. The silent girl had become a dangerous woman. Always on the lookout for new men, never standing still at one place for too long at a time. She got bored easily. She certainly wasn't stupid, that was for sure, as she had never neglected her studies either.

“Hi Handsome!” Jeremy heard her greeting and felt his heart sink to the bottom of his body. But he still flashed a smile in her direction, took note of how conservatively she was dressed and felt slightly relieved for a brief moment. That is, until he felt her hand on his thigh. She certainly wasn't wasting any time, was she? “Did you miss me while you were away?”

“Leisha... I know you mean it well, but I would prefer if you did not try to flirt with me today. Okay?” He swallowed hard and guided her hand away, much to her visible disappointment. She kicked her head backwards and laughed. Irresistible, but quite alarming. Then she got up from her chair next to him and left the reunion. Heads turned after her to see where this female lion would look for prey next. Dan was the first to break the awkward silence that followed:

“That was quite a show you pulled off back there!” his childhood friend looked him in the eye as though he tried to read his mind. He was mighty proud to be a psychiatrist, that was clear. He probably thought he could help Jeremy deal with his repressed and forgotten feelings. But as much as Jeremy appreciated his friend's concern, he didn't really want pity. “I mean, about that time... err...”

Dan's sentence died halfway, but the message remained intact. Everyone in the gathering knew what he was talking about. It was only a matter of time before the questions would flood over Jeremy. It was something he had not calculated into his plans. Stupid, reckless him!

“Well,” Amy opened a can of beer that someone had left untouched on the table in front of her and raised it up before her in one arm. Tommy and Josef quickly followed suit and the sound of glass touching metal filled the air. But Jeremy noticed the look in Amy's eyes. It was somewhere in between blame and regret. Her gesture was directed at him, a slight mockery of his actions. “Sometimes, you got to clean the air to move on. Isn't that right, Jeremy?”

Eyes were directed at him in what appeared to be curiosity. He didn't answer her. What was there to say, really? People in town had changed, some more than others. It appeared Amy had changed just as much as Faith had. But that was a coincidence from the past. Wasn't it?

He decided it was time to move out. To get away, before things got too interesting for his own liking. Heck, maybe he should just have accepted Leisha's offer and dived into adventure with her. It would have been a nice diversion. But it would only have been a fleeting sense of safety. No, Jeremy needed to deliver his letter and then get the hell out of the house, before the mood got to him for real.

He rose from his seat in the sofa and told everyone how nice it had been to see them all again. He meant it, he truly did. But he was in a hurry to get out and away from the feast. So when he entered the foyer and looked toward the staircase once more, he instantly dropped his initial 'plan B' in favor for something much more simple. That small table he had seen when he visited only two days ago... It was the perfect spot for -

Well it seemed to be a perfect spot, because it was already in use. Jeremy was surprised to find his name written on the front of the large envelope. What on earth was that about? Could it be photographs from their childhood? Ian probably a few family albums hidden somewhere in the house... was it possible that Faith would just gather them all and dump them into an envelope in the hallway? His curiosity got the better of him and he opened it just enough to get a glimpse of it's content. Papers? Letters?

It was starting to get tiring. All the secrecy revolving his brother. All the pain and blame Jeremy had to endure, because he messed up in the past. The unresolved questions of guilt, responsibility and inaction. Everything spun around in his head. His hand moved into the pocked of his jacket and drew his letter out of safety. The purple envelope was placed neatly on the table and he went to the door and left.

He realized too late that he had forgot to leave his cell phone number behind...




Note: This is just me being extremely obsessive, but bear with me... I present to you, the one and only - Jeremy's Letter:

Faye, My Love.

I know you are puzzled by my sudden disappearance. We have been apart many times before, but we have never parted ways without saying goodbye to one another.

No silly, this is not my way of saying goodbye. This is my way of explaining why I'm not currently lying next to you in bed at night. The only way I can justify why I just left town without further notice, without even telling you about it.

I need you to understand this, sweetheart.

You are upset right now. I know you too well, not to know what it means for you to be left behind without warning and I'm sorry it has to hurt. To be honest, I would rather be with back in the apartment with you.

I have seen the signs. It's in your eyes, the way you talk and dress. I feel it when your fingers intertwine with mine and you squeeze my hand just a bit more than usual. You reveal more than you want to, and that is why I can't say no to you.

But I fear the day when you ask me about having children. It sounds so heartless on plain paper, and I don't mean it as badly as it appears. I'm just not ready to commit myself to the responsibility of being a parent. What if we went all the way, and it didn't work out? What if I lost you?

I would go to the moon for you. But I don't trust myself enough to start a family. Not yet. I wouldn't be able to stand it, if my carelessness led to your unhappiness. Because I love you, I really do. What I feel for you transcends any other emotion in my life, so I have to be honest with you.

I haven't left town to get away from you or the prying eyes of the townsfolk. I felt compelled to become the man you deserve. I still do. If that includes spending some time away from your warm embrace, then I must accept it and pray that you do the same.

Don't cry for me, but hug yourself tightly at night and be safe. It'll be easier for both of us that way. Know, that I will be back sooner than you expect it. When I return, I will be a better man. A strong man. I will not let you down.

And yes, you get to decide the colors of the child's room. I mean, it's not like anything had happened yet, so you have plenty of time to make a pick while I'm gone.

I hope you will write back to me and let me know how you and Mr. Catches are doing? The address is on the envelope, so don't throw it away, okay?

All my love for you,
Jeremy.

P.S. Will you tell Ian I'm sorry I won't be around for his birthday next Friday? Just tell him I'll make it up to him next year. Remember to be nice to him. I think he and Amy are going through a rough period together. Maybe you can give him some insight into the female mindset and prevent them from splitting up?

P.P.S. I'm gonna search through every bookstore I come across to find you that romantic novel you have been speaking about lately. I bet you are wondering if I can still remember the title, right? By the way, gorgeous, I'm dying to see you wear that corset you bought at the stand during our trip to Kentucky. We'll have to do something about that when I get back, don't you think...?

Click to expand...

Faith knew there was some sort of funeral etiquette but today she wasn't following it by far. She just wanted to stand outside for a while breathing deeply before she had to face all those coming into what was now her home. It wasn't as if she didn't like them, they were friends that both Ian and her grew up with, some were his co-workers and others family.

She took a sip of wine and savored the taste on her tongue. It was a brand she loved but Ian never liked the flavor but that didn't matter anymore she thought, she could pick and choose what she liked only now. It sounded to harsh as she heard that in her head but it wasn't supposed to be, it only meant that she would be alone now.

Her eyes hurt from crying and very little sleep, she could feel her stress level as it was rather high and so was her blood pressure as she raised her hands up and rubbed her eyes. When her hand fell to her side she heard his voice call out her name, "Fai...Faith," he said as he came through the same gate he went out last night in the pouring rain.

Faith looked up at him, it was a stand off outside the OK corral. Faith thought it be best if they finally buried the hatchet the best they could, but she wasn't sure what to say to him, he caught her off guard again. Before she even had a chance he was gone, he turned and left quickly. She wondered if he was gone for good this time or if he was going to stick around for a bit. Faith thought it best for him to get the letters that were his brother's and the girlfriend before Faith. She never read them all just the first few, she knew the rest would all be the same as the ones she read.

She turned to walk back in when a friend of hers and Ian's came outside. She took a step back and watched Davis walking out closing the door behind him. "Faith, how you doing? I know it's a dumb question to ask but...I'm not sure really what to say under these circumstances to be honest." He said looking into the back yard and then to her.

"It's okay Davis. I never know what to say at funerals either, other than the typical I'm sorry and I never ever know what that means half the time." She replied back as she took a sip of her drink and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Kathy wasn't feeling well or she'd have been here. She wanted me to tell you that if you needed anything, even if its just to talk to call her. She's on bed rest these days..." it hit him then what he had said, but he couldn't take it back it was to late. He knew she lost her baby and Ian had told them they were trying but it never happened so Davis felt bad his wife was due in less than two months. "I'm sorry Faith..."

Faith laughed out, "No big deal Davis, see I'm sorry fits everything no matter the situation..." Faith turned to him, gave him a hug and tried to show him it really was okay. Stepping back she gave him a false smile, "Tell her to stay in bed and I just might take her up on that offer one day."

"Okay I will pass that along. By the way, it was good to see Jeremy. I just saw him inside with the rest of the old gang. You take care Faith, I'm going to go now." He said giving her a quick hug goodbye like many others will be doing soon she hoped. Faith knew she couldn't put it off any longer and headed back inside the house.

Davis was right the gang was all here as she stood in the hallway looking into the family room. There was Dan, Tommy, James and Josef. She looked the other way and there was Elliott, Leisha and Amy. She looked for Jeremy but she couldn't see him anywhere. Then again people were all over her house. She turned after hearing voices behind her and smiled at Kim and Ray who were neighbors a few houses down. Faith also noticed the office door was slightly opened. She took a step back, peeked in and seen nobody, she closed the door just as the couple came up to her and said their condolences.

Faith spotted a woman she didn't recognize and wondered if that was Nancy, the woman who wrote the letters to Ian. There was one picture of them together but she didn't take that long of a look at it but she was pretty sure it was. Nancy was about the same age as they were, she was a little on the plump side, long dark hair and she had a cute round face. Her eyes were red, she looked like she had been through a long night as well.

That was how the rest of the afternoon went, slowly the crowd trickled out till only a few were left. She didn't know what to say to Nancy, she never told Ian she read a couple of his private letters and knew it much have been just as hard on her as it was herself. Faith thought it may have even been harder on the woman since it was she who truly loved Ian the way a woman should. There were so many kinds of loves, friend, lovers, family...the love Faith and Ian had was a combination of those...yet it was never the love that two people have that was the real deal, she could sense it but they both made the best of the whole situation. It could have been worse she thought.

Faith had often pondered if Ian slipped out to see his ex Nancy over the years, to rekindle what they have had. She wondered if he had cheated on her over the years as well. He didn't seem the type but Faith could understand if he had to a certain degree. She honestly really didn't wish to know the answer, it was better off let to go to the grave with her husband.

Ian's aunt and uncle came over and hugged her up, they spoke of Ian in wondrous ways. He was a good man, and even they had no idea of the truth that caused Faith and Ian to marry. They were good people and all they saw was the good in others. They lived looking through rose colored glasses, and to Faith she often wondered if that was the way to live.

The last of the stragglers left leaving her neighbor and another friend who offered to help clean up. Faith sent them on their way, thanking them both and told them she would do it herself. They understood she just wanted to be alone, it had been a long night and day for Faith as she was sure it was for others as well.

Locking the door behind them she turned and noticed the manila envelope was gone, but another one was there to take its place. Faith hoped it was Jeremy that found it and took it instead of anyone else. Maybe somebody like his aunt or uncle picked it up first to pass it along, she had no clue. Faith hoped and prayed it was him and not another. Faith walked over and looked at the purple envelope, the ink was smeared and there wasn't to much she could make out but she knew who it was from.

Faith held it against her heart as she walked up the steps and to her bedroom where she undressed and changed into a pair of shorts and one of her own button-down denim shirts. She had placed the letter on the bed and picked it back up. She sat down and opened it not sure if she wanted to read the contents or not. Her fingernail ripped along the top of the envelope and she pulled the paper out which she knew was around for a while so he wasn't making it all up.

After reading it, it was like he opened all those all wounds up again even though most were never closed to begin with. Each paragraph brought more and more tears to her eyes as they ran down her cheeks and onto the letter within her fingers. Faith was trying to understand, it was because she wanted a commitment that he wasn't ready for that made him leave.

It seemed that he wanted her to wait around for him to sow his wild oats out there somewhere. He was still being unfair to her, she thought. It was one incident that sent so many lives tumbling in directions that nobody would have thought they would go.

Faith wasn't sure if she was still angry, or hurt, was she angry at him or herself? This had all caught up to them, the past does come back to haunt you, karma, a full circle and they were living proof of it. Faith wiped her tears away with her hand and stuffed the letter back into the envelope and took it back down with her as she placed it on the table she found it on and went about cleaning up the mess all around her house.

She stood up holding the trash bag and turned, letting it slip from her hand. She opened the office door and opened the drawer, pulled out the telephone bill with the circled number and she called it from the phone on Ian's desk....it rang a few times and when she heard his voice...she went numb not knowing that to say and hung up.

Standing there, she wondered if she did the right thing, she wondered if he took the manila envelope that was his brother's private thoughts and dreams that were once to be. Faith went back into the family room and started up where she left off knowing there was food to put away and cleaning to be done. The caterers would be back for their stuff in a couple hours.

As soon as Jeremy returned to his uncle and aunt's place, he rushed upstairs to his old room and went inside. He locked the door behind him and took a seat on the chair in front of his desk. Then he turned the manila envelope upside down, causing it's content to drop down into one, large pile on the desk's surface. Brown eyes quickly went over the first few paragraphs on the nearest paper, but his mind did not allow him the luxury of comprehending the message hidden underneath the words on the document. He had to repeat them loudly to himself to finally understand what it all meant;

“Dear Ian... I can't understand why you won't see me, or answer your phone whenever I call... I still remember our last night and the promise you gave me. The oath we swore; Nothing was going to keep us apart... Tell me then: why you are still living with that woman? Why are your arms locked around her, when I should be the one to feel your tender embrace? Why?” His hand reached out and picked up the letter meant solely for his brother's eyes. He continued to read, now in silence, but he didn't know what to think of it. In a hurry to get answers – or maybe just to refute his own suspicion regarding the sender of the letter – his eyes went to the bottom of the page almost in a flash. Nancy... who was that?

Jeremy forced his eyes back to the remaining parts of letter and read it as quickly as possible. Then he put the letter down and turned his eyes toward the ceiling. Whoever this Nancy was, she certainly knew how to deliver a bittersweet message through her text. It was as though she bled through the words and straight into the eyes of the receiver. What was this collection of letters about? Was it some kind of obscure evidence that his saint of a brother had fallen for the oldest known temptation? Who was this other woman she referred to? It was most likely Faith, and yet... that would require the letters to be of a more recent date. Was it really possible that Ian would've cheated on Faith for an extended amount of time? That didn't really fit into any version of his brother that he knew about.

This was only one letter, one of many. A single letter – no matter how touching – couldn't convey the complete truth behind the stack of documents in front of him. But at the core of the mystery, was a much more dominant question. Something he couldn't quite shake off. A suspicion that sent unpleasant sensations through his throat and into his stomach. Someone had believed he had an interest in reading them. Presumably, it was Faith. But what did she hope to gain? Was it all part of a vengeful scheme to make him feel worse about his actions, or was there an underlying interpretation of this gift that he simply couldn't see just yet? Was it some sort of shady instance of quit pro quo? Was he meant to read the letters and figure out what his brother had left behind? Was this his chance to do his deceased brother one final favor, as a was to... repent? It made sense, didn't it?

As lofty as the theory was, it still presented him with some kind of purpose. He would have to read each and every letter carefully, put them in order, and try to fill in the gaps with logic and knowledge. Judging by the amount of letters, however, it appeared to be a quite tiring task – physically, as well as emotionally. When he reached out for the next letter in the pile, another fact was revealed to him; a portion of the letters were written by Ian himself. The realization increased his discomfort. The first letter had been brutally honest... what sort of nasty details about his brother's life would he come across? Where others would've reveled in the prospect of discovering hidden sides of their deceased relatives – things that made it easier for them to understand - Jeremy simply tried to retain his composure. He knew everything he wanted to know about his brother. This felt too personal.

Yet, when he finally convinced himself to read the letter in his hands, it turned out to be quite simple, almost formal in tone. It was very different from the previous letter. Little emotion, only descriptions regarding future spots where they could meet up. But knowing his brother, it was clear that a strong current flew inside the text. Any sign of passion was hard to spot, but when he finally got a glimpse of the man he knew, the search felt worthwhile. Once finished, he put it aside on the table, made a mental note that this was “Ian's spot”, and took another letter from the top of the pile. The hard work had begun. He repeated the pattern over and over; took a new letter, read it, digested it's message and put it in either of the two designated spots on the desk; one spot for Ian's letters and one for Nancy's letters.

As he made his way through the stack, the letters started to paint a clear picture, a pretty detailed account of different times where Nancy had met Ian. At home, at work, in the forest... even in other cities. Always in secrecy, always with that distasteful stain of bitterness that came from knowing that things were not going to change. She and Ian was never going to be a couple. Not for real, at least. They would continue to nurture their love through secret meetings. Although Nancy's letters always held a certain level of blame and frustration, they also expressed a love that was hard to forget. All had their distinct tone, but the message always seemed to be the same, and Jeremy couldn't help but sympathize with the unknown woman. Probably because it reminded him of his own hopeless situation.

He was almost done arranging the letters, when his cell phone suddenly rang. It surprised him so much that he jumped in his chair and then looked around himself in a mixture of shock and confusion. The familiar ringing tone had interrupted his thoughts in a rather violent way, but the impact only lasted a few seconds. He shook his head, reached inside the breast pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out the cell phone to answer it. His voice didn't betray him the slightest, when he greeted the person at the other end: “Hello, this is Jeremy Morris speaking.”

No answer. Not even a sound or a breath. Just the silence of an active phone with an inactive, inaudible person at the other end. Jeremy had forgot to check the number before he answered. It could be anyone. Perhaps the silence was predictable, the result of his speech at Ian's burial. Maybe a more recent friend of his brother had become upset with the stuff he had revealed. Maybe it was just an old woman, who had dialed the wrong number.

“Hello? Who is this?” Jeremy's voice took on a slightly impatient tone, but his question remained unanswered. Whoever it was, the person at the other end hung up. It was strange. Things turned even more mysterious when he looked up the caller's information and discovered the number belonged to his late brother. Faith was the only person, who had access to his brother's phone... unless, of course, his brother had exchanged his old phone with something new, lost it or given it away. But it also required that the phone in question had somehow memorized Jeremy's cell phone number.... and then, whoever was in possession of the phone, would have to dial it. It all seemed too coincidental to happen. But where had Faith got the number from? Ian's notebook?

He put the cell phone back into the pocket, and his fingers came into contact with something he couldn't quite identify. A small card of sorts. Taking a firm hold at the edge of the stiff piece of card stock, he pulled it out and examined it with a puzzled expression on his face. It was a business card. “Pratchett & Sons”, the logo said. Interesting. But how had a business card from one of the most prominent law firms in New York ended up in a pocket of his jacket? Eager to get answers, he turned it around and became surprised at what he discovered. A fresh imprint of a pair of red lips had been placed on it's surface with such delicate care that they framed the name at the center of the card: Leisha Deveraux.

A message had been written in extremely small letters below the kiss imprint. It caused Jeremy to raise an eyebrow: “Handsome. Call me, I know you want to.”

Well, if that wasn't charming. Not only had she tried to flirt with him and put her hand on his thigh. She had been smart enough to anticipate his rejection and had taken the necessary precautions. She had used an old trick to keep his eyes focused elsewhere, so that she could hide her little message in the best available pocket of his jacket. Clever girl.

Jeremy almost laughed at his own stupidity. But instead, he put the business card on the desk and picked up from where he left. It wouldn't be too difficult for him to finish the task and act according to whatever theory he conceived. The more he read, the more certain he became that his initial assumption had been incorrect. Both Nancy and Ian kept referring to another woman. They never mentioned her by name, but it couldn't be Faith. In another of his brother's incredibly dull recollections of daily events, he touched upon a time and a place that Jeremy could identify without fail. A time where Ian and he had went out on a double date with Faith and... Amy. By the lake. Yes, the day where both brothers had fallen into the water because Faith thought she saw something shiny under the water's surface. It was a good day.

It made things clearer. Amy. Of course it was her! Was it these letters that had made her salute him in the ridiculing way back at the funeral feast? How much did she know about Ian's secret relationship? Did she know about Nancy, or was his brother's true love as great a mystery to her as it was to him?

It would be much easier to ask Amy herself. No more guessing and wondering. Sadly, he was not in possession of Amy's phone number anymore. But, okay, he had a phone number he had not even asked for. Leisha was bound to have answers. Maybe she even knew who Nancy was... and how he could contact her. Jeremy pulled out his cell phone again, grabbed the business card on the desk and dialed the number. Something he had never thought he would actually do. It took a while before she answered, her voice hinting at a slightly irritated and frustrated state of mind. So, either she had gone home alone from the feast, or Jeremy had interrupted something he didn't really want to think about.

When she finally understood who it was, her voice shifted completely into the kind of greeting he had feared:

“Oh, hiiii Handsome! Found my card, did ya?”

“Eh, yeah I did. How are you doing, Leisha?” He realized his mistake too late. His reward for being polite was a flirtatious wave of different symbolic description and hints at what she was – or rather, wasn't – doing at the moment because she was alone and in need of company. It was like a volcanic eruption that flooded his mind and put a hold to his agenda. It took a while before he finally got his message through to her. It changed the direction of the conversation at an alarming speed.

“Nancy?” Leisha's voice faded out for a moment as she apparently moved about in her room, wherever it was located. Not that it really mattered, anyway. When her voice finally reached his ear again, she giggled slightly. “Aha, I have solved your riddle now, Handsome! You remember Lydia Forschammer, right? The rich kid who moved to town when we were teens? That's your girl. Lydia is her middle name, but she never settled with using her first name before she graduated. You don't remember her?”

Her insight and memory impressed him to a degree of utter awe and silence. The information didn't really help his ability to keep the conversation alive. Lydia Forschammer? The girl they called Pinky, because she always wore something pink in her attire. The girl who always kept to herself and never quite fitted in.... The girl Ian always stood up to when the older boys were up to no good? Her first name was Nancy? Was it even possible that this girl had become Ian's one and only desire? Was she the Nancy, who had somehow taught his older brother to love with the kind of passion Jeremy saw in their letters?

“... Handsome? Are you still there? Don't I get anything in return?” Leisha's pushy personality wasn't going to give him time to breathe properly. Not that he could blame her, really. It was rude of him to treat her valuable help with silence. He made a grunting sound and apologized for his lack of manners. Then he asked what Leisha knew about Amy and Ian's relationship. She sounded impatient when she answered him. “Why are you so interested in all this stuff, Handsome? Your brother is dead. He was married to Faith. He hadn't been involved with Amy for about six years when he passed away. What's in the past, stays in the past. It's not going to help yourself to dig into that mess. If you want to know what Amy knows, I suggest you ask her. I can't help you with that... but I'll tell you what I can do for you....”

Jeremy dodged her less than subtle invitations a couple of times before she finally understood. He was not going to visit her. Not that she sounded particularly upset when she wished him a good - and oh so lonely - night. There wasn't even anything for her to forget or regret. Even if she had got what she wanted, it wouldn't have been serious to her. “Girls just wanna have fun,” as she innocently said before she hung up and left him in a terrible mood. But the awkward conversation had not been for nothing. He was one step closer to the truth. Now he just had to figure out what to do next....

The caterers would have cleaned up but Faith didn't mind, to her cleaning was therapeutic, plus she had enough people wandering in and out of their house today. Once she had all the foam plates, cups and plastic utensils cleaned up she sighed. The table was still covered with food, lots and lots of food.

She took the two trash bags outside and walked back in and began to take the food into the kitchen where she took small portions for herself and packed the rest in containers to give to Aunt Kate and Uncle bob. They would either eat it or take it where it where it wouldn't go to waste. Her frig was stuffed with nothing but containers and her table had assorted breads and rolls in plastic bags plus there were pies and cakes and other dished from friends that dropped by this week.

She washed everything up and placed it back on the tables just in time as she heard the knock at the front door. She could see the caterers truck outside in her driveway as she answered the door. faith left the men in as they disassembled the table and loaded them up and then everything else that was theirs. It didn't take long and she was finally left alone.

There were still a few vases of flowers that she would deliver herself to the small assistant living place at the end of town. There was so much to do and she just didn't really know where to start. All of Ian's things would need to be gone through, his clothing and some personal items she knew needed boxed up, some she would keep. Everything in his office was centered around him and his brother, she knew that all of it was going to Jeremy. Some how they would need to be face to face to do it. She could leave him in and leave but that would mean she was leaving her own home and she didn't want that.

Faith stood at the office door, she opened it and sucked in a deep breath. This room she thought held so many secrets, and she hated being in it. The day she found the stack of letters was when she realized there was a side of Ian she never knew about. Then there was the call from Jeremy that she never knew about, and it all made her wonder what else was hidden, what other secrets would come out eventually. It was time, she knew it was now or never because once Jeremy left, if he hadn't already she would need to track him down or drop everything at their aunt's house.

Looking down on the desk she picked the phone up and called the number again. She listened as it went straight to voicemail and left a message. Her words were soft, she stumbled across a few as she spoke. "Jeremy, it's Faith. I, we, Ian's personal belongings...think it's best you decide what to do with certain things." She hung up and walked out closing the door behind her.

It was still the afternoon yet, and it had already seemed like night as Faith walked into the living room area and finessed the furniture that the caterers had moved then moved back but not in their exact spots. She opened the armoire and looked through the CDs once again. She picked something soothing and slipped it into the player and waited for the music to pipe into the speakers throughout the house. The CD was a mix of Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Sonny Rollins, Charlie parker and Thelonious Monk.

Faith walked upstairs and filled the tub with hot water, she dumped some bubbles into the water and the scent of vanilla quickly filled the large bathroom. She stripped down and sunk into the tub and it was then she remembered she didn't lock the back screen door and wasn't about to get out to do so. Nobody ever came around and entered before so she doubted anyone would now.

The breeze was warm as it blew through the window, the curtains flew in the air dangling from the rods above her. She could smell a mix of roses, hyacinth and honeysuckle flow in through the window. None of the scents over powered the other, and she was surprised it was as strong as it was since half the garden was stripped away from the heavy rains the night before.

It wasn't a thunderstorm that scared her, she loved the sound of rain hitting the tin roof as thunder rolled across the skies whirling around dark clouds but the lightening when it touched down close. It was the crack that scared her most. She opened her eyes and she could see the dark clouds coming over the mountains on the eastern side of the house. Tonight she would sleep, the rain always made her tired.

She drifted back and all these memories came back into her head. Everyone that was there today to say goodbye to Ian were friends for so many years. It was so hard to believe that so many were still about the area, or close by in neighboring towns. Why did we all stick around she wondered, why didn't we do as Jeremy did and just leave and never look back?

Faith thought of the letter again, she wondered why she never got it even though it had ran through the post office. She thought about the letter and things he wrote...

I have seen the signs. It's in your eyes, the way you talk and dress. I feel it when your fingers intertwine with mine and you squeeze my hand just a bit more than usual. You reveal more than you want to, and that is why I can't say no to you. But I fear the day when you ask me about having children. It sounds so heartless on plain paper, and I don't mean it as badly as it appears. I'm just not ready to commit myself to the responsibility of being a parent. What if we went all the way, and it didn't work out? What if I lost you?

Faith never had a chance to tell him he was going to be a father, that it wasn't planned and something failed. She was young just like him, she was left to go it alone till she confided in Ian. He could read her like a book, he pushed and pushed till she told him. They were always close, some would say like brother and sister and when she told him what was wrong he wasn't happy either. It wasn't till she found those letters that she finally realized why.

She never pressed him to step in and do the right thing for his brother. Faith never knew there was any woman in his life, he never talked about being in a relationship, or her. Would Faith had turned him away if she knew? She thought about that, would she have went it alone? She knew she would have but he pushed her telling her it would be best for the baby to have both parents. It was killing her now that all the pieces to this puzzle were finally starting to fall into place.

Some in town spoke badly of her and Ian and there was no way to explain, Ian asked her to keep it to themselves till they married. They stood together taking the whispers and rumors behind their backs, the leers and comments, even come names being called day after day till things finally settled and they fell into a routine life living it as if nothing happened. They spoke about everything, they did things as a couple, vacations, dances, the flowers and meals cooked together. They were shells of existing beings going through the motions of a married couple.

It was like stabs to the heart to now think about it all. The surface was bubbling up and soon everything was going to explode and Faith wasn't ready. She sunk down into the tub and closed her eyes letting the music take her away to another time and place.

With the most recent revelations in mind, Jeremy couldn't decide on his next move. Leisha had provided him with interesting information regarding the woman, who had sent his brother passionate letters that indicated they had been in love with each other for an extended amount of time. Supposedly, it was a girl they had all come to know in their late teenage years. Sometimes, silence itself was a much better evidence than any testimony, and by refusing to say anything specific about the past, Leisha had hinted there were events not even she wanted to come in contact with. Something that involved his brother's ex-girlfriend Amy. Sadly, he had failed to ask Leisha for Amy's phone number, and he didn't really feel like calling the flirtatious woman again.

In the end, he went for the only viable option he could think of. He hid the various letters of love and despair in the top drawer of his desk and then went to his closet to find something more relaxed to wear. He hadn't even thought about changing from the formal suit and tie he had worn all day, so it certainly felt like the time to get freshened up. He didn't really bother about the small details of his outer appearance and pulled out some of his ordinary clothes. He wasn't going anywhere. But first of all, he would take a shower.

With a simple pair of cowboy jeans and a neutral shirt hanging over his left arm, he went out of his room and made his way to the bathroom on the same floor. When he stepped through the door to the small room, it crossed his mind how often Ian and he had used it as their playground. The dark tiles on the walls gave it an almost dungeon-like appearance. Perfect for a knight and his faithful squire looking to slay a dragon and claim it's treasures. Maybe said dragon still hung out in the corner next to the shower? It was an amusing thought to him. Alas, there was no more dragons in these lost lands of his childhood, and all the treasures had already been claimed by others.

He placed the clean clothes on a stool next to the shower and started to take off his clothes in a slow, almost mechanical manner. Didn't really care how he treated the expensive fabric of his best attire, he just dropped each part around him on the bathroom floor. Then, as he was finally ready to step into the shower, he turned toward the mirror on the wall and examined his own reflection carefully.

He knew the eyes and the features of the face. Of course he did. Still, it was as though the man starring back at him was quite different from how he had come to view himself. The hint of hatred in his eyes had made way for something sullen, almost sad. Only weeks ago, he had found strength in his righteous anger. His disappointment in others had made it easy for him to carry on. It had kept him from sinking to the bottom when he was all alone. But it had also threatened to destroy him on multiple occasions throughout the past four and a half years. Those periods had required some sort of diversion to keep him afloat. Like the yearning lap of a single woman, or the forgiving melodies of his favorite musicians.

Now, things were different. With all the things that had been revealed to him over the past few days, it was as though the anger had left him. In the very least, it didn't provide him the usual strength anymore. Though it was hard to smile at the world around him, it felt like the knot in his stomach had begun to loosen up slightly. He appreciated the change, but didn't embrace it as a lasting sensation. It was nice, but not especially comforting. Shame had taken over as the dominant force inside of him and it only pulled him down.

Jeremy turned his head down and went into the shower. There, he turned on the hot water to let it fall from the shower head above. Into his hair and upon his skin. After a few seconds, he turned his face toward the stream of water, eyes closed and with a calm look on his face. But no matter how cleansing the shower felt to him, it didn't relieve him of the emotional storm in his heart and mind. There were certain facts about the situation with Faith that he had yet to consider. Things, he didn't even dare to think about. An uncharted fragment of his heart desperately wanted to know about the happiness that could have blossomed between them. The child, in other words. Their child, his child.

He had been afraid to start a family with her, but now that he knew a family had been within his reach, and he had lost it, it felt so indescribably painful. Faith had never been shy about her desire to have children, but she had never pushed him for a definitive answer. Instead, he had grown insecure and scared when he realized how committed they both were to their relationship. What would become of them, if he couldn't live up to his responsibility as a father? They were young and so deeply in love that it bordered on recklessness. Jeremy knew he should've been more careful. He knew it, as well as the fact that he couldn't change any of it.

His didn't care to stay in the shower for an extended time. He actually felt sick, as soon as his thoughts began to circle around the unresolved matter of Faith's pregnancy. He just wanted to get finished, as though leaving the bathroom would have any impact on his restless mind. So when he had dried up, put on his preferred fragrance and got dressed in the casual clothes he had brought along, he left the bathroom in an unusual hurry. He had barely entered his old room, when he realized he had left his suit – and, more importantly, his cell phone – behind in the bathroom. So he went back, gathered his funeral attire into a disorderly heap and brought it downstairs to get it cleaned up.

When he drew out his cell phone from the pocket of his jacket, he instantly spotted that someone had left a voice message for him. His surprise only increased when he listened to it. Faith had called him again. Her message was short and uneasy, but pretty clear. She was right, as always. It was probably best for everyone if he looked through some of his brother's stuff. He was the best man to identify anything worth holding on to. But why had he not heard his cell phone ringing? Maybe she had tried to call him when he was on the phone with Leisha earlier? Why hadn't he noticed the voice message when he hung up?

Maybe she thought he was actively pursuing his previous idea of leaving town for good. Did she really expect him to drop by right now in the late afternoon, on the same day of Ian's funeral? Maybe, maybe not. Supposedly, it was worth a shot. It at least gave him the opportunity to ask her why he had received the manila envelope in the first place. Ask her, if she really despised him so much, and wanted him to suffer like she had when he left her. Not that his previous attempt at cleaning the air between them had been a success... No, he had to move gently this time. He was her guest, not her judge. He had to leave the initiative to her for once.

On the walk back to Faith's house, he thought about thinks to say to her. He tried to prepare himself for whatever she had in store for him. All sorts of different accusations came to him, things she would likely blame him for. They were easy to dispute in his mind, without the impulses involved in a heated argument. If Faith reacted like she had two days ago, then what? What could he say to convince her that he was not the enemy, but rather the only man who had ever bled love for her? He had tried to use the old pet-name to get through to her, and it had failed. If that invisible token of their passion couldn't reach her, then speaking about big emotions were not really an option either.

Jeremy went straight for the front door this time around. He climbed the stairs, knocked on the door and waited for a while. Nothing. Then he rang the doorbell. Again, no response. He gazed out on the street, looking for any clues that could indicate she had left the house. His otherwise patient and calm attitude started to fall apart under the pressure of his inner anxiety. He reached into a pocket of his jeans for his cell phone. Searched for - and found - the number to his brother's private phone. He pressed the call-button and waited. The lack of response was an unpleasant reminder of his last conversation with Ian. Not that it mattered. Faith was the only one who would answer the phone now.

That is, if she wanted to.