The Secret Diary of Janey Jones

These bags of breakfast nuts are going to spoil my dinner, but it won't stop me from eating the food he puts into my mouth. "I am not hungry" would be an insult.
 
He told me that he would knock me into next week if I didn’t stop playing with power tools.

I asked him if that meant he didn’t want me to play with his dick.
 
When there is no question, I don’t have to answer. It’s easy to get involved when you don’t have to think about it. This is how the man will get me.

And I think: Shut my mouth before I say no.
 
I make sure to be ready before the time. I don’t want him to come to the poor door. The one with the broken windows and cardboard paintings. I would meet him down the street, in the driveway of some other house if I thought I could get away with it.
 
The last time we went out he asked me: Where did you get the jewelry that you are wearing?

I borrowed it from my Ma.
 
The only thing that could be glossier than me right now would be a shiny sucked dick head.
Now, if he picks me up and says: You are shinier than a freshly sucked dick head, open your mouth so I can be shiny too.

Well, wouldn’t that be funny?
 
I would laugh at that.

J

The only thing that could be glossier than me right now would be a shiny sucked dick head.
Now, if he picks me up and says: You are shinier than a freshly sucked dick head, open your mouth so I can be shiny too.

Well, wouldn’t that be funny?
 
After four dates and a cheesecake coma I let him into my house. On the dirty red leather couch he spilled his manhood onto my plush abdomen. And then he left me. I don’t even think he said goodbye.

Because I am trash. I was born trashed. These are the things that do not change over time.
 
He wanted to buy me sneakers and I would not let him. I didn’t feel like I deserved them. He jerked off onto my stomach and left me. I wish I had the sneakers now.

I am so cheap and worthless.
 
Neither of the above statements are true.
They are true. There is no sense trying to fool ourselves. We can pretend otherwise, for some time, but some time is always a prescribed period of time where 'some' is the unknown that we solve for on paper hearts with the minds lead pencil.
 
Remember when we used to eat pizza and put ketchup on the crust and pretend it was more pizza?
 
Cold hands work to warm the living rooms of our shelter. We pack heat like rats in the night shredding your wool coat in the attic. If our hands weren’t ever cold, we wouldn’t know the comfort of burning wood crackling in our box.

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I just asked my Dad if I could borrow the truck to rent and tow a wood splitter.
He told me to go split the wood by hand, with the maul.
 
I believed the lies that he reinforced because I wanted to. This is like a child believing in the tooth fairy because it eases the anxiety of losing a part of the self. Well, I lost a small part of the little self I had a long time ago.
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I called my Dad back and told him the wood isn’t splitting easy. I asked if a wedge would help. The mockery in his voice hurt my feelings.
I said: I guess I am not as strong as I used to be Dad.

Will he still love me?
---

I am not as strong as I used to be. This is true, and for the first time in years I thought about bleeding my legs up with a straight razor. I won’t do it because I am grown.

So, I jerked off to the thought of him loving me just one more time, before I let it go.
 
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