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Things you NEVER want to hear while having sex

I would ask you to stay for the night, but my wife will be getting home soon, and she gets kind of homicidal towards my girlfriends.
 
My boyfriend called today to tell me that he gave me gonorrhea. So... you might want to see a doctor tomorrow.
 
I don't need a condom. I bought these male birth control pills on the Internet, and the e-mail message said that they are guaranteed to work. And what's really cool is that they are disguised as a package of Tic-Tacs. I've been using them for two weeks now and I haven't gotten a single girl pregnant.
 
You might want to wear some rain gear to bed. I suffer from chronic projectile diarrhea when I sleep.
 
Hmmm... Well. I guess those aren't too bad looking.... If they are Dollar Store implants!
 
My body fluids are considered a bio-hazard in 37 countries. But luckily, not in this country.
 
Oh. I meant to tell you not to drink the punch at the party this evening. One of the caterers urinated in it.
 
Okay. I'm done. Now hurry up and go home. I have some strippers coming over in 15 minutes.
 
Hey. Instead of getting two implants, do me a special favor, and get THREE!
 
You haven't been using that package of expired birth control pills in the cupboard have you?
 
Now I remember where I've seen you before. You were on an episode of Jerry Springer where you brought your boyfriend on TV to tell him that you were once a man... Oh shit!
 
Now that I'm going to be pregnant, we need to buy a minivan, and a 'Baby on Board' sign.
 
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