How do I stop a runner?

PuckIt said:

So, not naming any names, but someone mentioned something in another forum that they have a tendency when everything is going well to stage a hasty withdrawal.

Now, it so happens that I understand the underlying psychopathy pretty well that motivates "Runaway Bride Syndrome." However, I'm a little more interested just what the hell the people they are running from could or should do about it.

(It so happens that the nameless person in question also talked about their own abandonment issues elsewhere. But, I'm gonna leave that giant steaming pile of irony alone. If I can.)

So, fasten the seatbelts on your computer chairs and let me spin out the scenario if you would.


This person... Actually, you know what? We'll just call him "Person" and her "She" so as to avoid any conflict and misunderstandings if a name should be dropped.


So, Person is seven different kinds of wonderful and everything She's been wishing for since first put on her "magical" tiara and wand created from a pencil and some glitter. He's even got one blue eye and one brown and can flip pancakes shaped like cacti!

However, She had long since given up on Person actually existing in the real world. She had thought she had found him several times, but alas, invariably once She kissed him, the vagabond She thought might be Person transformed before her very eyes into a frog. Getting a little tired of having to smear wart removal on her lips, She had determined not to even look anymore.


As so often happens in fairy tales, the moment She stopped looking... erm... well, okay, maybe a little while later... at least in the time frame of the cosmos... Any road, 'lo and behold, Person stood in front of She and not only proclaimed himself, but claimed She in the bargain!


This is the part where we should be able to cue the happy sing-a-long song and roll credits if Disney was writing this shit.


However!


However, She can't handle so much happiness. Perhaps She has come to think She doesn't deserve it. Perhaps She has merely been disappointed too many times She can't stand the thought of sticking around to watch this one break out in green slimy warts and start catching flies with his tongue as well. Whether Person will turn out to be Person or just another toad in Person's clothing is irrelevant to She's fears and personal angst. You know what? It really doesn't fucking matter why. Only She will know and She's too busy hauling ass to bother explaining.


So, here's the conundrum. Person (or at least Person in potential) has three options the way I see it.


First, he can run that bitch down, throw her over his shoulder with a couple of good swats on her ass for thinking She can evade Person so easily.


Second, he can stand right fucking there and wait for She to look over her shoulder to see him standing and opening his arms to beckon her back. And then wait. And then wait some more. Just in case, yanno, She should happen to figure out She's fuckin' up again.


Third, he can wave adi-fuckin-os and look around to see what else is available since She is apparently outta here.

I don't know. That's all the options I see available to Person left in the lurch. And, yeah. I've used all three at various points in my checkered past.


So, what do you think, dear reader? Which one should Person do? Or did I miss something?

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fire_breeze said:

I think you meant psychology, and not psychopathy, which is something else entirely

And am I the only one who finds naming of said syndrome inherently sexist? How many times has the groom left his bride at the altar? Not to mention the reifying of the heteronormative paradigm, but I digress.

Anyway! The so-called Runaway Bride Syndrome, it's not necessarily running away from a relationship, but rather the act of establishing the 'official' commitment (usually perceived as marriage, but can also be moving in together etc), and there are several reasons: aside from the commitment phobia, it could also be an unwillingness to compromise or it could be the pressure by families to settle down when the runner is having doubts. Often, when a potential runner does not call it off, a split-up ensures within 2 years. So it can be (cf Ben-Zevée, cf Houran). So it's not necessarily a commitment phobia.

Aside from the scenario partially lifted from Practical Magic, and aside from calling the female 'she', and the guy 'person' (so the 'she' isn't quite a person?), and aside the whole fucking assault as an option, what should an individual do when faced with a runner? Let that runner go. Seriously. Unless they were in a committed relationship, and the runnee knows -unequivocally, absolutely knows, because the other person explicitly told them - that there are commitment issues, you let the person go. Maybe you stay and tell them that you will help them work out through the issues, and if they still want to walk, then fine.

It could be a multitude of reasons that 'She' is running aside from commitment phobia; it could be very well that 'He' is pushing too much, too quickly when 'She' needs time. If 'She' was hurt in the past, then she is prudent to keep a distance and to be a bit cautious, in order not to make the same mistake(s) again.

Or, it may be that 'She' is running because she is sensing red-flags that something is off and is backing off in order to re-evaluate the situation. If 'She' is, to use your terms, "too busy hauling ass to bother explaining", then it's very likely she is walking away because something is not right. And, just as a casual observation, if this has happened to you several times (as you have claimed), it's most likely you, not the runner .

Life ain't a fairytale. If it were, then there would be blood from chopped up toes and heels, dead crickets, blinded princes, and avoided cannibalism, not to mention assault and degradation. I'd take real life.

You asked. I answered.

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formertroll said:

I'm gonna go with let her run if she wants to run, whether you leave the back door open is up to you.

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