getting into BDSM as a virgin

Hey, I'm new here, and this is my first post. I wasn't sure where else to go to get advice, so hopefully you guys can help me.

I've been dating a guy for a while now who is an experienced Dom. We've had a lot of discussions, and I think we're interested in the same things. I've always felt like I'm a sub, but I'm also a virgin by choice in my early 20s who has actually never done more than kiss. I really want to have sex with this guy though. He's told me that he loves that I'm a virgin and that he thinks that virginity is a perfect gift for a sub to give her Dom. The problem is, I've had someone else tell me that your first should never be a Dom and that you should start out with vanilla sex first. What do you think? Should you have experience with vanilla sex before getting into BDSM?

chick21 said:

Hey, I'm new here, and this is my first post. I wasn't sure where else to go to get advice, so hopefully you guys can help me.

I've been dating a guy for a while now who is an experienced Dom. We've had a lot of discussions, and I think we're interested in the same things. I've always felt like I'm a sub, but I'm also a virgin by choice in my early 20s who has actually never done more than kiss. I really want to have sex with this guy though. He's told me that he loves that I'm a virgin and that he thinks that virginity is a perfect gift for a sub to give her Dom. The problem is, I've had someone else tell me that your first should never be a Dom and that you should start out with vanilla sex first. What do you think? Should you have experience with vanilla sex before getting into BDSM?

Click to expand...

That sounds like a creepy thing to say, IMO. I would have been majorly turned off by that. Personally, I think naïveté is only attractive to guys who hardly have anything to offer sexually, but if you're into that sort of thing from the receiving then you're into it.

I was a virgin when I met my now-spouse, and while our vanilla sex wasn't all that engaging to me at all, it was a really good learning experience and I wouldn't have felt right diving straight into bondage and pain play while simultaneously trying to figure out what kind of penetration I even liked. But, YMMV.

Personally, I don't think you should "give your virginity" to anyone. I think you should find a guy with a reputation for being great in the sack and never sticking around, and toss that Virginal load of shit into the wild blue yonder.

THEN start looking for a guy for a longer relationship.
1) Virginity is totally a social construct. Outside of some people's fervid imaginations, it doesn't exist.
2) Letting a guy believe he owns you because of something that doesn't exist? More trouble than it's worth.

That said, vanilla sex will tell you faster than anything that you are truly kinked. If you can only enjoy it by imagining that your wrists are tied-- yeppers

IMO, this guy sounds kinda creepy. Virginity is...well Stella said it better than me anyway. The fact he's holding it up like some treasure says a fair bit about him.

In any case, I think jumping straight into kink without at least trying vanilla sex is like, hmm. Like jumping off a boat into the ocean before figuring out if swimming is really your thing. It's unlikely you won't like swimming to some degree, but that may not be the best time (not to mention the sharks...)

Whatever, I like analogies. Deal with it

IMO, this guy sounds kinda creepy. Virginity is...well Stella said it better than me anyway. The fact he's holding it up like some treasure says a fair bit about him.

Click to expand...

Lemme make something clear; the fact that virginity gets talked about like it's treasure says a lot about society. This guy is no more creepy than most guys.
Which is why I, personally, think it's important for women to be proactive about discarding that belief, and thereby short-circuiting the effect that it has on relationships.

KoPilot said:

That sounds like a creepy thing to say, IMO. I would have been majorly turned off by that. Personally, I think naïveté is only attractive to guys who hardly have anything to offer sexually, but if you're into that sort of thing from the receiving then you're into it.

Click to expand...

Since everyone keeps bringing up what he said about me being a virgin, I think maybe I should clarify this. If it makes any difference, he said he likes the idea that he could teach me everything and that instead of just knowing how to please guys in general I would learn specifically how to please him. And he said he likes the idea of teaching me everything from scratch.

chick21 said:

Since everyone keeps bringing up what he said about me being a virgin, I think maybe I should clarify this. If it makes any difference, he said he likes the idea that he could teach me everything and that instead of just knowing how to please guys in general I would learn specifically how to please him. And he said he likes the idea of teaching me everything from scratch.

Click to expand...

Every time I hear something like this (that the guy gets to teach the girl everything about sex, blah blah blah), my first reaction is to wonder how does someone who isn't experienced in sex, vett the sexually experienced person?

Because if the 19 year old me (who was a virgin when I met my ex-husband) had known how bad he was in bed? I wouldn't have given him a minutes thought. Instead, I knew *nothing* about sex, and believed him when he said he did... cue 12 years of (what I later discovered) was really really really bad sex.

Have the sex you want, how you want, with whom you want. If that means having sex with the guy you've been talking with (who ID's as dominant)... rock on. If that means having sex in a D/s manner... kick ass. If that means having sex as friends (with no commitment)... awesomesauce. If that means gaining some "vanilla" experience, and keeping your options open... fabulous.

Your body.
Your sexuality.
Your decision.

I agree with CM in that you don't have anything to measure this guy's sexual abilities against. Anything he shows you is going to seem fantastic, because you know nothing. Nothing against the guy, but be sure you go into this relationship with your head squarely on your shoulders. Don't assume he's the best guy you will ever be with or the last.

Sure, it's possible he could be that special one because I don't know anything about either of you. You might click and be a perfect connection. But, because you're a virgin, I'd suggest testing the waters a bit, before you settle down with any one guy.

I like to consider myself pretty good at bringing the most out of a submissive, but I'd also be the first to say I don't know everything there is to know. Even if I were a perfect match for a new submissive, when that submissive starts to experience all of those new things, their once limited knowledge base is going to blossom.

Right now, you're young and impressionable. You're easily overwhelmed with sensations and emotions. But, you're starting a new journey and you don't know how far or even what direction it's going to take you. Just keep an open mind about things and don't limit yourself.

It's funny, when I WAS a virgin, I hated the notion of being one and what it seemed to mean. It was as though I wasn't supposed to have ideas about what I wanted my sexual self to look or feel like.

Later in life, with the right partner, we both got a good deal of zinging in the right parts of our brains when we discussed role play of the D/virgin. But those zings were more to deal with a different kind of pain and fear play.

I truly don't know of anyone whose first sexual experience was all that society or popular fiction makes it out to be. If you pick someone who makes you flush with pleasurable heat when he flirts/kisses/touches you, AND he respects your boundaries, you've got a good chance that it'll be a decent enough experience. It's great to have ideas and contributions on how you want to develop as a sexual creature, but wouldn't be great to try ALL the wonderful techno coloured flavors so you can be a kickass playmate with any and all your partners down the road? But as you're building your pallet, don't you normally start with the primary colours first?

I got into BDSM as a virgin. The first time I had (penetrative) sex I was tied up and spanked as well. I knew very well what I was into, I was able to talk about all that with my boyfriend and felt very safe trying things out with him. I didn't see, and still don't see, any point in having sex that I knew that I wouldn't have enjoyed that much.

There are no rules that state that you shouldn't have sex for the first time with a dominant person. As long as you trust him, you two are on the same page on what's going to happen and you yourself are sure that you want to try it, I say go for it.

I'd also like to point out that sex with a dominant dude doesn't necessarily and always mean it's going to involve any BDSM elements at all. It might be that the D OP talks about wants to have plain old vanilla sex with the OP when they do it for the first time and save the the other things for future encounters.

My radar is going off about the guy...and my white knight radar says nothing I could possibly point out will make a difference to the OP.

So...

Do what feels right. Make absolutely sure a trusted friend knows where you are and what you are doing.

chick21 said:

Hey, I'm new here, and this is my first post. I wasn't sure where else to go to get advice, so hopefully you guys can help me.

I've been dating a guy for a while now who is an experienced Dom. We've had a lot of discussions, and I think we're interested in the same things. I've always felt like I'm a sub, but I'm also a virgin by choice in my early 20s who has actually never done more than kiss. I really want to have sex with this guy though. He's told me that he loves that I'm a virgin and that he thinks that virginity is a perfect gift for a sub to give her Dom. The problem is, I've had someone else tell me that your first should never be a Dom and that you should start out with vanilla sex first. What do you think? Should you have experience with vanilla sex before getting into BDSM?

Click to expand...

Welcome to Lit!

It seems that you like this person and want to start having sex, cool. I agree with others that I think the virginity gift statement was pretty creepy. I say that because there's been a discussion in the How To board about virginity. There are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to that. I hope you'll take some time and read up on it.

We all have our opinions about these sorts of things. The only opinion and view that actually matters is yours. Your first sexual experience can be what YOU want it to be at this point. If you feel like diving deep into the BDSM pool, that's great. I will point out that it's not always whips and handcuffs, though. In fact, plain ol' vanilla sex happens a lot more often than you think. Do what you feel comfortable with. If you decide to go with vanilla, that choice should be respected. If you decide to be kinky, have a long open and honest conversation about expectations and limits. Even if he says he's experienced, YOU should do some research and educate yourself. We have multiple open threads here in the forum along with archived threads in the stickies at the top.

chick21 said:

Since everyone keeps bringing up what he said about me being a virgin, I think maybe I should clarify this. If it makes any difference, he said he likes the idea that he could teach me everything and that instead of just knowing how to please guys in general I would learn specifically how to please him. And he said he likes the idea of teaching me everything from scratch.

Click to expand...

That's really nice. Taking an interest and learning someone's likes and dislikes can put you well on your way to being a great lover... For that person...

There's nothing wrong with that, but do not think it will directly translate to being great with anyone you might be with after him. There's been talk of "training" and what not. There is no universal training that will make you a great sub for any dom. Just figured I'd point that out as some have been given bad information. Some jerk tells a naive sub that they're being trained and just happens to leave off the part where the "training" only pertains to that particular relationship.

Take some time and explore your options. Remember, you don't have to be a doormat, you have choices, and what you want matters. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Stay safe and have fun.

seela said:

I got into BDSM as a virgin. The first time I had (penetrative) sex I was tied up and spanked as well. I knew very well what I was into, I was able to talk about all that with my boyfriend and felt very safe trying things out with him. I didn't see, and still don't see, any point in having sex that I knew that I wouldn't have enjoyed that much.

There are no rules that state that you shouldn't have sex for the first time with a dominant person. As long as you trust him, you two are on the same page on what's going to happen and you yourself are sure that you want to try it, I say go for it.

I'd also like to point out that sex with a dominant dude doesn't necessarily and always mean it's going to involve any BDSM elements at all. It might be that the D OP talks about wants to have plain old vanilla sex with the OP when they do it for the first time and save the the other things for future encounters.

Click to expand...

That's something I forgot to mention. I did say that I haven't done anything more than kiss yet. He told me we can take things at my pace and that he's not going to push or pressure me into anything. From the discussions we've had, the idea is that for now we'll just kiss, later we can start making out, sometime after that we can have oral sex, etc. And while he definitely does plan on being dominant throughout all of that, it's not like things with him are instantly going to involve handcuffs, spanking, etc. While he will always be the dominant partner and the one basically controlling things, I don't think we're going to get into all of the kinkier things on day one (well, we might by the time I lose my virginity, but we have other steps to go through before we get there).

chick21 said:

< He's told me that he loves that I'm a virgin and that he thinks that virginity is a perfect gift for a sub to give her Dom.

Click to expand...

Op, the above ^ just sets off warning bells in many or your readers, myself included. Sexual predators abound, and the inexperienced are easy targets. The virginity-as-a-gift comment is akin to waving a red flag.

That said, your potential Dom may be a great guy, and why shouldn’t he train you to please him? Just make sure he’s pleasing you as well, or the gloss will wear off your submission pretty fast.

As to your original question -

chick21 said:

Should you have experience with vanilla sex before getting into BDSM?

Click to expand...

- I think the type of sex is far less relevant than your personal comfort level. What feels right to you?

It sounds as though your guy is willing to move slowly, which is hopefully a good sign. As CutieMouse points out, you don’t know what you’re getting. This guy may be great in bed, he may be terrible, he might be just fine but not a good match for you. Not having any experience it may take you a bit to figure out which of these is true. If it's not working for you don't be afraid to move on.

It’s your body, your decision, and your choice of what you want your introduction to sex to look like.

seela said:

I got into BDSM as a virgin. The first time I had (penetrative) sex I was tied up and spanked as well. I knew very well what I was into, I was able to talk about all that with my boyfriend and felt very safe trying things out with him. I didn't see, and still don't see, any point in having sex that I knew that I wouldn't have enjoyed that much.

There are no rules that state that you shouldn't have sex for the first time with a dominant person. As long as you trust him, you two are on the same page on what's going to happen and you yourself are sure that you want to try it, I say go for it.

I'd also like to point out that sex with a dominant dude doesn't necessarily and always mean it's going to involve any BDSM elements at all. It might be that the D OP talks about wants to have plain old vanilla sex with the OP when they do it for the first time and save the the other things for future encounters.

Click to expand...

Interesting post, Seela. I’ve never known anyone who started out with BDSM. Thanks for sharing. And you raise a good point. Why waste time on something that doesn't excite you?

.....

CutieMouse said:

Have the sex you want, how you want, with whom you want. If that means having sex with the guy you've been talking with (who ID's as dominant)... rock on. If that means having sex in a D/s manner... kick ass. If that means having sex as friends (with no commitment)... awesomesauce. If that means gaining some "vanilla" experience, and keeping your options open... fabulous.

Your body.
Your sexuality.
Your decision.

Click to expand...

Yup, this!

As others have already said, your original post just makes it sound like the guy's either a little creepy or he's more than a little cocky. You have to ask yourself a few serious questions before you get too involved in this relationship.

Others' opinions aside, virginity was/is important to YOU, otherwise, you wouldn't have made it to your age with your virginity intact. Why you chose this path is known best to you alone and I'm certain everyone here would respect whatever reason you chose to remain a virgin - being a domme/dom or a sub is COMPLETELY about respect and understanding.

Having said that, ask yourself, if you enter into a serious relationship with this guy and one week into it he decides the "scene" you're doing needs a spicy dose of anal sex, or whatever else he might decide to "teach" you, what the devil are you going to do about it if you're tied to the headboard with a gag in your mouth?

He may be a perfectly wonderful guy, but having been into this stuff for a long time, there are a lot of guys, especially in the last ten years or so, who THINK they know what being a real Dom/Top is. Most of them are extremely unimaginative, they bore easily, and they just think BDSM means tying somebody up and paddling the crap out of them, then screwing them until they cry. I have seen A LOT of guys like that in the last decade and they end up turning a lot of girls away from what can be phenomenal experiences.

You're taking a risk, but it's yours to take. You sound like a wonderfully intelligent girl. Google some rather advanced BDSM techniques, read a bit, and then ask him about some of them - see what the guy says. If he doesn't know what you're talking about, then you've just answered your own question yourself and you need not pursue him any farther.

Personally, as others have been said, I wouldn't want to have a girl who was a true virgin coming blindly in as a sub in a lasting relationship, primarily because just like yourself, you just don't know what you're getting into.

Good luck M'dear, and if you've made it this far, there's no need to hurry into anything. Best wishes and hope all works out for the best.

Endless_Night said:

That said, your potential Dom may be a great guy, and why shouldn’t he train you to please him? Just make sure he’s pleasing you as well, or the gloss will wear off your submission pretty fast.

Click to expand...

He doesn't seem selfish, and he talks about wanting to please me too. He said he would make sure I cum every time. My only concern with him is that when I said what if I don't cum, and he said then he would just keep trying to please me until I do. And maybe that sounds like an odd concern, but I guess I'm not sure if I could cum every time or not. But he sounds so determined to help me to.

SeraphinaCD said:

Having said that, ask yourself, if you enter into a serious relationship with this guy and one week into it he decides the "scene" you're doing needs a spicy dose of anal sex, or whatever else he might decide to "teach" you, what the devil are you going to do about it if you're tied to the headboard with a gag in your mouth?

Click to expand...

I trust him. We've already discussed a lot of things, including what I would and would not be okay with. So, going with your example of anal sex, he knows that I'm not ready for anal sex at this point in my life and that it's never an option unless I eventually tell him otherwise.

SeraphinaCD said:

He may be a perfectly wonderful guy, but having been into this stuff for a long time, there are a lot of guys, especially in the last ten years or so, who THINK they know what being a real Dom/Top is. Most of them are extremely unimaginative, they bore easily, and they just think BDSM means tying somebody up and paddling the crap out of them, then screwing them until they cry. I have seen A LOT of guys like that in the last decade and they end up turning a lot of girls away from what can be phenomenal experiences.

Click to expand...

With all the discussions we've already had, I believe he's a true Dom and not some abusive guy who just uses women. He's talked enough about what real BDSM is vs. the false ideas people have about it. I've read up on what real BDSM is supposed to be before, and he appears to have it right to me.

chick21 said:

He doesn't seem selfish, and he talks about wanting to please me too. He said he would make sure I cum every time. My only concern with him is that when I said what if I don't cum, and he said then he would just keep trying to please me until I do. And maybe that sounds like an odd concern, but I guess I'm not sure if I could cum every time or not. But he sounds so determined to help me to.

Click to expand...

This sort of thing makes me a little batty.

Not all sex ends in orgasm. Not when you're inexperienced. Not when you're experienced. Not with someone who doesn't know your body. Not with someone who does. Sometimes orgasms just don't happen, no matter how much you or anyone else wants them to.

And ya know what? That's totally okay. There's a hell of a lot of fun to be had during sex, regardless of "the big O".

I honestly feel so strongly about this, that I'm struggling a little with how to discuss it, respecting that you have to walk your own path here...

When he says things like he'll "keep pleasing you until you do [cum]" - how does that make you feel? Supported? Understood? Pressured? Like a fetish delivery system [push button; make girl cum]?

When you discuss it, and express your concern about the ability to orgasm (reasonable, given your inexperience), do you feel it's a constructive conversation? Is there conversation beyond "I'll keep pleasing until you do"?

Have you discussed what "I'll keep pleasing until you do" look like?

Have you experienced a solo-orgasm, yet?

Do you already know what your orgasms look and feel like, and are you able to guide him?

(I snipped out your middle comment, because it didn't concern me as much as the first and last bit.)

With all the discussions we've already had, I believe he's a true Dom and not some abusive guy who just uses women. He's talked enough about what real BDSM is vs. the false ideas people have about it. I've read up on what real BDSM is supposed to be before, and he appears to have it right to me.

Click to expand...

How would you (personally) describe a "true dom" or "real BDSM" vs "fake"?

CutieMouse said:

Have you experienced a solo-orgasm, yet?

Do you already know what your orgasms look and feel like, and are you able to guide him?

Click to expand...

Yes to both. I may be a virgin who hasn't done anything sexual with anyone yet, but I have 7 years experience with myself. Problem is, I can't cum half the time, but he says I will with him.

CutieMouse said:

When he says things like he'll "keep pleasing you until you do [cum]" - how does that make you feel? Supported? Understood? Pressured? Like a fetish delivery system [push button; make girl cum]?

Click to expand...

Oddly enough, both supported and a little pressured, although I know he's not meaning it to be pressure. I mean honestly, I feel disappointed when I can't always cum by myself, because I want to. So I think he's just trying to be helpful, because he knows I don't like when I don't. I know he's not trying to pressure me. And I don't really want to tell him not to try so hard, because I do want him to try.

chick21 said:

Yes to both. I may be a virgin who hasn't done anything sexual with anyone yet, but I have 7 years experience with myself. Problem is, I can't cum half the time, but he says I will with him.


Oddly enough, both supported and a little pressured, although I know he's not meaning it to be pressure. I mean honestly, I feel disappointed when I can't always cum by myself, because I want to. So I think he's just trying to be helpful, because he knows I don't like when I don't. I know he's not trying to pressure me. And I don't really want to tell him not to try so hard, because I do want him to try.

Click to expand...

I'd strongly suggest you work that out, before getting into a position where an orgasm is expected, or desired.

chick21 said:

Yes to both. I may be a virgin who hasn't done anything sexual with anyone yet, but I have 7 years experience with myself. Problem is, I can't cum half the time, but he says I will with him.


Oddly enough, both supported and a little pressured, although I know he's not meaning it to be pressure. I mean honestly, I feel disappointed when I can't always cum by myself, because I want to. So I think he's just trying to be helpful, because he knows I don't like when I don't. I know he's not trying to pressure me. And I don't really want to tell him not to try so hard, because I do want him to try.

Click to expand...

Just my opinion,and it is worth what you paid for it. You have already been set up for failure. If you don't cum, it will obviously be your fault, because he kept trying, right?
awww, jeez, never mind...

My experience is that of very few people, but I don't really like orgasms most of the time. I can like the sensations that lead up to one, but it goes from yum to yuck somewhere along the line pretty predictably.

I know this now, after being sexually active for 5 years, and S totally respects this quirk of mine. But I didn't always know this, and in figuring it out, there was a lot of unspoken pressure to have one every time because an O for an O is, as far as most of the sex-positive folks are concerned, the only fair trade off. It took me several years to restructure the language we used for intimacy to exclude penetration and orgasms for me, and replacing them with other things.

Anyways I don't really have a thesis here-- just hoping you might glean something useful from the unorthodox places I've been, even if it's just "that's definitely not me".

chick21 said:

He doesn't seem selfish, and he talks about wanting to please me too. He said he would make sure I cum every time. My only concern with him is that when I said what if I don't cum, and he said then he would just keep trying to please me until I do. And maybe that sounds like an odd concern, but I guess I'm not sure if I could cum every time or not. But he sounds so determined to help me to.

Click to expand...

Not odd. I would be concerned about this as well, for a number of reasons. As has been pointed out, women don't necessarily orgasm every time they have sex, particularly in the beginning. If he's experienced he should be aware of that.

How experienced is he really? It's not that he has to be Don Juan, but you should certainly know what you're working with. My first said he was experienced, and he was, compared to me. But...in the 5 years we were together he never brought me to orgasm. Yup, not once. Worse, he made it out to be my fault, not immediately, but after time when it became clear that it just wasn't going to happen.

I managed to orgasm within a week the 2nd guy I had sex with!

Not that my first was responsible for my orgasms. I'm responsible, and a large part of that is good communication, which sounds simple, but in my experience...isn't. A partner should be listen to your concerns on the subject, not brush them off because he's "The Dom," or because he knows better than you. When it comes to your body, you know best.

Have you considered getting all this stuff out on the table with him? If he doesn't address your concerns in a way you're comfortable with, well, then you can rethink the situation.

Endless_Night said:

Have you considered getting all this stuff out on the table with him? If he doesn't address your concerns in a way you're comfortable with, well, then you can rethink the situation.

Click to expand...

I've dated this guy for a few months and always thought we were good together. But now I'm not sure what to think. I brought up my concern when we were texting tonight, and this is how it ended up:
him: I know I can make you cum with me.
me: How do you know? Sometimes it's not that easy to make me cum.
him: I know I'm good at what I do, so I know I can. I can't wait to show you myself.
me: Well I can't even make myself cum half the time, so...
him: I know I can make you cum every time with me. I know I can please you.
me: You really think you could make me cum every time?
him: Yea I really do think I can make you cum every time.
me: Half the time I've never been able to.
him: With me you will cum every time.
me: What if I don't cum though? Are you okay with that?
him: Then I will keep going until I can make you cum. I will make sure you cum with me.