How do you help someone get over being abused

Hi Wildrose, glad to hear things are going so well for you

The problem with angry voices I had too, plus if I have to talk to my ex I get that old nervous feeling.....but with love and caring it gets less and less. It sounds like you have a wonderful man, who wants to learn everything he can to help you.

Sometimes no matter what you do, things will remind you of the past. The trick is to tell yourself that it IS the past, it can't hurt you any more. I had a dream the other night, about my ex, and I woke up feeling disoriented and scared. I snuggled into Gil, and he held my hand, and I felt safe again. The relief I felt when I told myself that he can't hurt me anymore, and that I'm safe and loved, just can't be explained

Re: I'm back......

WildRose40DDD said:

Sorry for the long absence! Wanted you to know my new man and I are doing great!! Thanks for helping me find the courage to let him get close to me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't give thanks for Gil, Bandit and all the rest of you....and of course for my S/O.
It helped that I was able to explain some of what I went through to him....and that he understands. I think this thread helped him understand also. I was so impressed when I led him here and he read not only my posts...but the whole thread. There are still times I lose it, but having him near me really helps.
My biggest problem is that if he gets angry about anything (so far he hasn't been angry at me)....I still expect the anger to be directed at me, or to be blamed for whatever has gone wrong. That is when I usually start crying. His anger dries up almost immediately at that point though....and he is quick to reassure me, that he is not angry with me and I am not the cause. Though I thing the first time it happened he was really worried he had hurt me.
Guess I still have a ways to go! Thanks for keeping the thread alive and thank you to everyone who has shared and who has been here for support!

Click to expand...

Rose I'm so pleased life is going well for you & your SO, the saddest part of ABUSE is the remaining memories that haunt the surviver & it's only time & trust in your SO that will eventually crush these fears.Continue to get to know your SO & honesty & trust will make it a stronger relationship.

Nevermind.

Thank you!

Thank you both!
I know time will help. And I agree with you Bandit, being held close by someone that really cares makes all the world of difference.
This thread and all the wonderful people here have helped so much.

Re: I'm back......

WildRose40DDD said:

Thanks for keeping the thread alive!

Click to expand...

your welcome dear.

Originally posted by Bandit58
Hi Wildrose, glad to hear things are going so well for you

The problem with angry voices I had too, plus if I have to talk to my ex I get that old nervous feeling.....but with love and caring it gets less and less. It sounds like you have a wonderful man, who wants to learn everything he can to help you.

Sometimes no matter what you do, things will remind you of the past. The trick is to tell yourself that it IS the past, it can't hurt you any more. I had a dream the other night, about my ex, and I woke up feeling disoriented and scared. I snuggled into Gil, and he held my hand, and I felt safe again. The relief I felt when I told myself that he can't hurt me anymore, and that I'm safe and loved, just can't be explained

Click to expand...

How true you are Bandit things do remind you of the past and with each thing and time it's a hurdle we must get over and take a step forward by reminding ourselves it is the past. I guess because we have suffered so much at the hands of our FORMER abusers that they invade our dreams and through us off course, making us lose sight of the fact we no longer are a part of that world and have moved on.

I used to have bad dreams constantly and they have decreased. Although there were times recently when my SO have told me I was having such a bad dream that my hands were moving about as if I were trying to protect myself, my legs were just as bad as if I was trying to run from someone ot somthing and most of all I was whimpering, crying or begging for my safety. My SO tells me he rubs me gently and talks to me to and holds me then I calm down. Most of the times I don't remember the bad dreams and when I don't move about or do something to wake my SO I find myself in a clouded funk not knowing why and it bothers and frustrates me and my SO because I can't explain why.

We have a long road ahead of us but it's a road that is a good one since we leave behind the past and we must remember it was NOT our fault nor did we deserve to be abused. Sad to say the abusers do not believe this and they make us believe and think it is our fault. My former ex is no longer a part of my life or my family (they finally realized how it bothers and hurts me to see him at family functions.).

We love, we learn and we forge ahead. Aloha everyone!

ecstacey said:

PATHETIC. you say you wouldnt waste anytime on me but here you are posting and debating with me. stop contradicting yourself its getting silly. for the last time if i were to attack her i would be spouting things like whore and slut what i said to her was a simple question which youve turned into a heated arguement. if this girl really didnt want people to comment on her buisness she shouldnt have posted it on a public site plain and simple.


3) Your story itself. Sure it is horrible, and I wouldn't wish that to happen to anyone, not even my worst enemy. However, I found it somewhat hard to swallow.

In the beginning, you ex's control was pretty tight, but in the later years, you mention that you moved back to the States (no more language problem), you even tried to commit suicide (so you weren't under permanent observation), you were taken to a hospital (lots of people there who could have contacted the local authorities, if you had insisted on them doing so), your own relatives (at least you have sisters), ...

Sure you were afraid, and as I was not in that situation I won't pretend that I could imagine what it was like, but fact is that you could have ran away, you could have asked for help. There is no way that there wasn't this chance in your over 16 years. But you did not.

I'm not saying that what he did is your fault - that's still his deeds and him who should be held responsible for them. However, from a certain point on, you did let that happen to you. There were ways to end/stop it, and you didn't take them - too scared, too afraid. And had he not left you - you'd still be in that situation.

That - in my opinion - is the core of the problem : Your Passivness.

Click to expand...

Congratulations ecstacey, your analysis of Gil is right off the mark . . . but then you probably have yet to catch up on the WHOLE thread . . .

Then your analysis of Kiki's situation cuts right to the chase . . . with as much tact as a ham sandwich at a jewish picnic . . .

We can all be abrasive . . . ask anyone about the flame wars that aussies get into with idiot AmeriKKKans on the General Board . . . but this is not the GB, it is the HOW To . . . BOard and this is one of Gil's special threads . . . when you have read it all you will understand better . . . enjoy the read . . .

That - in my opinion - is the core of the problem : Your Egocentricity . . .

ecstacey said:

i know your story all to well. infact its quite similar to mine. my brother was married to this woman, me and her became instant friends we would talk on the phone for hours she was like a girl version of me. he began suspecting us of an affair but that wasnt the case we were like brother and sister. one night me and my brother got into a heated arguement. needless to say i got beaten up severely to the point i could barely move. he took his pocket knife or some sort of sharp looking object *my vision was highly blurred at the time*and craved lines in my face that were suppose to symbolise tear drops of a p*ssy in his words. but he really got them from a comic book character i and his wife were real fans of and simply immitated that tatoo the character had on me. i didnt press charges, i guess cause of the whole man is a man thing and have since pretty much devoted my life to staying at home on the internet. the scars have faded but are still highly visible. im hoping to one day meet my family again who i wont see till the scars have faded a bit in order not to frighten them.

Click to expand...

. . . and here is the crux of the problem . . . "i didnt press charges" . . . you are berating somebody else for what you failed to do for yourself in your own situation. . .

Much better to go to the police even now and report the matter, showing them the remaining scars and getting the scumbag put away where he belongs . . .

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL VIOLENCE . . . EVER!!!

BY failing to have the courage or commonsense to report the abuse to the police you are naturally encouragiung a repeat of the same treatment . . . much better to wear your pride on your sleeve and charge the gutless bastard . . . that way you show the slimebag that you are NOT going to take his twisted sh*t attitude in your life . . .

Don't hide at home . . . go out proudly into the community and when somebody asks "What happened?" tell them, "Scumbag slashed me because he got his toga in a tangle".

Don't whinge to us on this thread that we are fools or gutless or crazies because we have handled life differently from how you would have ideally handled it . . . if you had the courage . . . get off your arse . . . don't get mad, get even and save some other poor bastard from getting the same treatment . . .

Bulllying is not only a male thing, women do it too . . . sometimes even more effectively without raising a fist . . . just using a whiplash tongue . . .

But the only way that I know to prevent male bullying is to be tougher and stronger than your attacker . . . bullies are basically cowards . . . carving up somebody's face is not only cowardly, it is a criminal offence with a jail sentence for a conviction . . .

So give the man the holiday he wants . . . at government pleasure with all found . . . hopefully for a life time . . .

In Oz, guys who beat up on S/O's are held in particularly low esteem . . .

Don K Dyck said:

Congratulations ecstacey, your analysis of Gil is right off the mark . . . but then you probably have yet to catch up on the WHOLE thread . . .

Then your analysis of Kiki's situation cuts right to the chase . . . with as much tact as a ham sandwich at a jewish picnic . . .

We can all be abrasive . . . ask anyone about the flame wars that aussies get into with idiot AmeriKKKans on the General Board . . . but this is not the GB, it is the HOW To . . . BOard and this is one of Gil's special threads . . . when you have read it all you will understand better . . . enjoy the read . . .

That - in my opinion - is the core of the problem : Your Egocentricity . . .

Click to expand...

ive read the entire thread every last post. that is the core of YOUR problems your quickness to assume.

Don K Dyck said:

. . . and here is the crux of the problem . . . "i didnt press charges" . . . you are berating somebody else for what you failed to do for yourself in your own situation. . .

Much better to go to the police even now and report the matter, showing them the remaining scars and getting the scumbag put away where he belongs . . .

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL VIOLENCE . . . EVER!!!

BY failing to have the courage or commonsense to report the abuse to the police you are naturally encouragiung a repeat of the same treatment . . . much better to wear your pride on your sleeve and charge the gutless bastard . . . that way you show the slimebag that you are NOT going to take his twisted sh*t attitude in your life . . .

Don't hide at home . . . go out proudly into the community and when somebody asks "What happened?" tell them, "Scumbag slashed me because he got his toga in a tangle".

Don't whinge to us on this thread that we are fools or gutless or crazies because we have handled life differently from how you would have ideally handled it . . . if you had the courage . . . get off your arse . . . don't get mad, get even and save some other poor bastard from getting the same treatment . . .

Bulllying is not only a male thing, women do it too . . . sometimes even more effectively without raising a fist . . . just using a whiplash tongue . . .

But the only way that I know to prevent male bullying is to be tougher and stronger than your attacker . . . bullies are basically cowards . . . carving up somebody's face is not only cowardly, it is a criminal offence with a jail sentence for a conviction . . .

So give the man the holiday he wants . . . at government pleasure with all found . . . hopefully for a life time . . .

In Oz, guys who beat up on S/O's are held in particularly low esteem . . .

Click to expand...

what i meant to say is that i didnt press charges at first.Not out of fear, but out of a sense of loyalty *yes very stupid*. also i wasnt berating kikmosa for not pressing charges, i was berating her for not leaving the abusive marriage when she had the chance. and to be honest i wasnt really berating her i was just trying to understand why she didnt. perhaps it is YOU who needs to catch up on posts.i am slowly coming out of my internet shell i go to work and see friends but im not the same as i use to be. i still cant see my family, not till my scars have fully healed. i have become an embittered person and i try to distance myself from others until i am able to build my emotional selfestem better.

ecstacey said:

what i meant to say is that i didnt press charges at first.Not out of fear, but out of a sense of loyalty *yes very stupid*. also i wasnt berating kikmosa for not pressing charges, i was berating her for not leaving the abusive marriage when she had the chance. and to be honest i wasnt really berating her i was just trying to understand why she didnt. perhaps it is YOU who needs to catch up on posts. i am slowly coming out of my internet shell i go to work and see friends but im not the same as i use to be. i still cant see my family, not till my scars have fully healed. i have become an embittered person and i try to distance myself from others until i am able to build my emotional selfestem better.

Click to expand...

Hi ecstacey . . . aw, I think I've read most of this thread . . . generally on this thread berating people is not a usual response . . . 20/20 hindsight is the best vision in the world . . .

But you seem to be fearful of your families reaction to the attack . . . do you believe that they will blame you for being made a victim of somebody else's anger, frustration and rage?

Then . . . an attack as you have described wil change you, no doubt about that . . . but distancing yourself from your family seems to be a guaranteed way of depriving yourself of emotional support at a time when it is really needed . . . when the going gets tough it's usually family who fill the ranks of supporters . . .

Learning to trust again can take an indeterminate amount of time . . . check out the thread for numerous examples . . . but hiding away generaly holds the bitterness, when the preferred situation is to let the bitterness drain away . . .

You say that you finally pressed charges . . . did your cowardly attacker get what he deserved . . . a long stint in jail?

im not ashamed of my families reaction. its just that there extremely sensitive over this sort of thing. my mother cried and the phone when i tried to explain to her the situation. so in order not to upset her i have waited for some time till the scars have fully healed.

ecstacey said:

im not ashamed of my families reaction. its just that there extremely sensitive over this sort of thing. my mother cried and the phone when i tried to explain to her the situation. so in order not to upset her i have waited for some time till the scars have fully healed.

Click to expand...

An understandable reaction by your mother . . . of course she would be upset . . . physical violence done to a loved one causes all sorts of emotions, especially sadness . . . but those emotions pass as the party knows how the recovery is proceeding . . .

but regardless, possibly your need is greater . . . and your mother will want to know that you're OK . . . and will want to commisurate with you . . . that is what families do to work through these type of situations . . . by holding back you seem to be making a victim of yourself to fit the intentions of the cowardly attacker . . . surely you deserve better than that . . .

ecstacey said:

what i meant to say is that i didnt press charges at first.Not out of fear, but out of a sense of loyalty *yes very stupid*. also i wasnt berating kikmosa for not pressing charges, i was berating her for not leaving the abusive marriage when she had the chance. and to be honest i wasnt really berating her i was just trying to understand why she didnt. perhaps it is YOU who needs to catch up on posts.i am slowly coming out of my internet shell i go to work and see friends but im not the same as i use to be. i still cant see my family, not till my scars have fully healed. i have become an embittered person and i try to distance myself from others until i am able to build my emotional selfestem better.

Click to expand...

I've held back & let things slide but BERATING victim of abuse is NOT your right unless your in full detail of their situation & comments your making on ppl isn't anywhere near those of a knowing, mature person....NOT ONLY do these ppls post not include all that has happened to them in their abuse so don't think you know what,how or why they did as they did, my whole reason for starting this thread was to help one lady who was in need of help & was at a very low point thinking of killing herself to rid the demons of abuse from haunting her even though the abuser was out of the scene his self worth destruction of his victim was so total that she just couldn't cope with feeling unwanted & unlovable, since then we have had a lot of male & females enter with their own posts & ppl WHO DO KNOW & UNDERSTAND to a degree what they are feeling trying to make sence of life.

Thank you both Gil and Don. You both know that I am not one to usually say much about anyone else but I have to say this.


Gentlemen, you are wasting both your time and energy on this one.

It is impossible to have a battle of wits with an unarmed idiot.

Missingmeds said:

Thank you both Gil and Don. You both know that I am not one to usually say much about anyone else but I have to say this.


Gentlemen, you are wasting both your time and energy on this one.

It is impossible to have a battle of wits with an unarmed idiot.

Click to expand...

*snicker....snicker.....snicker*

Gil, I am glad to see that you got a chuckle out of that one....but the fact remains that it is nothing but the truth.

Missingmeds said:

Gil, I am glad to see that you got a chuckle out of that one....but the fact remains that it is nothing but the truth.

Click to expand...

Aw . . . that's not really very fair . . . could it be that ecstacey has some issues to resolve, and Kiki's experience reminded her too easily of her own situation?? . . .

OK . . . the entrance was stumbled, but generally on this thread we try to be supportive . . . right, Gil??

Hell . . . what pretty girl wants her face cut up by some cowardly low-life frustrated with his self-imposed position in life?

Tending to agree with you Don..... I certainly want people to give me a second chance....a third, fourth and so on.....who am I to judge now that she has let a bit of herself to show.....

Esctasey....I wish you well....I'm sorry for your pain.

Don K Dyck said:

Aw . . . that's not really very fair . . . could it be that ecstacey has some issues to resolve, and Kiki's experience reminded her too easily of her own situation?? . . .

OK . . . the entrance was stumbled, but generally on this thread we try to be supportive . . . right, Gil??

Hell . . . what pretty girl wants her face cut up by some cowardly low-life frustrated with his self-imposed position in life?

Click to expand...

Do we know for a fact that ecstacey iS FEMALE? I have that person on ignore because of not only this thread but several others that they are doing the same thing on. Does this person have issues? Yes, they do and the biggest one is stirring up problems on threads.

Judging abuse victims is wrong, they need help and support, not have some idiot spout bullshit at them

The effect of long term abuse are something that it is hard for people who haven't experience it or witnessed it up close to understand.

Esctasey, who I believe to be male, sounds like he has started the process of understanding abuse. He has been hurt, in places where the injuries can be seen, possibly forever. He is already doing the hiding part which has lead to isolation from his family and so the abuser for the moment is winning.

I think something else happens in abusive situations in the beginning, there is a lot of "not me's" I would never do that, that isn't really what is happening.

I have friend (non lit) who is in an emotionally abusive relationship, it also have physical components I am sure but only one she has told me about. When I encourage her to leave she turns on me. yesterday she wrote me a lovely piece of hate mail blaming me for not supporting them, although she did give me credit for supporting her, and then for not telling him off. She thinks we should tell him to stop hurting her, that he will listen, and that magically he will become a decent man. I can't get it through her head that if he doesn't respect her feelings enough to believe her, she needs to get out.

The most diffcult pains to deal with for a person who has been abused is emotional and mental. The physical abuse may heal from view but inside there is a lot going on. We may never fully recover but we dang well will slowly find the bad memories diminish with time as well as learning how not to let these bad memories ruin our day or run our lives. It is only the moments when something is said, done or seen that may trigger the madness of recalling the past but as I said they diminish over time.

We all recover differently and with the help of others listening and knowing there are others out there who have gone through some of the things we have/had experienced in an abusive relatiionship helps the healing process. It is how we heal is up to us.

Lashing out and/or giving comments about others we don't know except for what we read is not helpful. I used to lash out, make judgements of those I didn't really know and berate them with my thoughts, comments and advise so to speak then, I realized (thanks to my SO) it doesn't help, whatever was hurting inside or making me react the way I did needed to be let out, talked about. I was taking my frustrations out on them unintentionally.

Perhaps I'm mistaken but sometimes it's best to listen, offer a shoulder to lean on, offer advice or share our thoughts than to give such harsh opinions. We are hear to help and offer a place to share our experiences with others knowing we won't be judged for our actions or non-actions taken while we were/are in an abusive relationship. I'm not saying we sugar-coat our posts we just know when not to step over the boundary line.

Missingmeds said:

Do we know for a fact that ecstacey iS FEMALE? I have that person on ignore because of not only this thread but several others that they are doing the same thing on. Does this person have issues? Yes, they do and the biggest one is stirring up problems on threads.

Click to expand...

Like I said...I lurk a bit on this thread, and I have to agree with Missingmeds. It seems this particular poster likes to call others liars, make judgment calls across the board, and basically just stir up trouble. I put him/her on ignore after reading the comment that Kikmosa should have done something to prevent her abuser from abusing someone else, yet then ecstacey stated he/she did not press charges against his/her attacker, either? Hypocritical to the letter, and that was when my ignore button got pushed.

I agree, there are problems that need to be addressed. Problems that include vast bitterness and attacking others. I sincerely hope ecstacey gets some intensive counseling...soon.

S.

Don K Dyck said:

Aw . . . that's not really very fair . . . could it be that ecstacey has some issues to resolve, and Kiki's experience reminded her too easily of her own situation?? . . .

OK . . . the entrance was stumbled, but generally on this thread we try to be supportive . . . right, Gil??

Hell . . . what pretty girl wants her face cut up by some cowardly low-life frustrated with his self-imposed position in life?

Click to expand...

DON..I'm sure your got E's sex wrong as I had a PM about one of E's post stating "HE" loved blow jobs but wouldn't return the favor for the lady ( STRANGE in it's self not wanting to thank a lady for oral sex with oral sex is just right to me).....HIS statement about oral sex makes me wonder more on E's maturity too.... or is it strange that HE figures it's OK for a lady to give him a treat yet no willingness to do the same....bet he don't give them a kiss after oral either.