First Time Story Looking for Honest Feedback

Hi everyone,

Just discovered this site last week and love it so much. I've written short stories before but never anything like this. Finding this site has been a breath of fresh air for me! I just posted my first story. It's my first attempt at the genre, so any criticism, suggestions, or motivations you might have are welcome. The story is about a thirty-year-old man who is having a difficult time in life and wishes he were a different person. He makes a wish and wakes up the next day as an 18-year-old girl.

Author: Bethesda
Title: Know Thyself Ch1
Genre: Sci-fi/Fantasy

https://www.literotica.com/s/know-thyself-ch-01


Thanks everyone!
Bethesda

I think your writing is strong, and there's good detail here. I also think there's a lot here that doesn't advance the story, and it doesn't quite get to the good part. Figure out what the most exciting part of this story is going to be, and try writing that first, so you can decide whether or not the other pieces really help it.
Could this story start in the waking-up scene and talk about the birthday thing in a shorter flashback?
Good luck with it!

HushHushCrush said:

Could this story start in the waking-up scene and talk about the birthday thing in a shorter flashback?
Good luck with it!

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I agree with this 100%. One of the things I try to do when reviewing my work is go through it and ask myself "does this REALLY need to be here? Does anybody care?" and then trim away anything that isn't pulling its weight.

As things stand, you could snip out the first four paragraphs without hurting the story at all. The story tells us Ben's age five times; once would be enough. If the background to Ben's ex-job is going to be important to later chapters you can give it later on. But the opening paragraphs are where readers ask "is this story relevant to my interests?" and decide whether they're going to read any further. That's a good place to let them taste what you have to offer.

Technical issue: you flip between tenses a bit. Most of the intro is present tense ("I contemplate the small bottle or the larger bottle") but occasionally it drops into past e.g. "He knew I was going to pre-game this bottle". Other than that, spelling and grammar are pretty good.

Looking up Ben's mother: may be an idea to mention that she kept her maiden name when she married, otherwise I'd expect the protag to notice that she's not under the married name.

Very, very well done. I gave you the first five I have ever given.
Ask anyone, they all say i am mean, but I am only looking for good writers, not lazy ones. Some typos, weird tense changes. Looks like, as is the case with all of us, you could use a good editor, but your writing is amazing. Carried off the first person as a man and a girl without getting smarmy or valley girl; stayed literate, but keep the style and voice, Love it! Keep writing. Many don't understand you can write a POV without degrading the language. You do it well! Don't ever stop! Set aside a time to write each day, even if it is only one hour. I'd love to see what you do with a fuck scene.
excuse my typos, got a new lap top for xmas. First time I ever used one, but love the freedom.

Thank you so much for the feedback! I can't tell you how thankful I am for it. I'm slapping myself over the tense changes. I started writing the story in the past tense and then decided to change it to the present. I thought I got everything but I must've missed some.

Interesting idea HushHushCrush and Bramblethorn about the beginning of the story. I assumed I needed to give some background and a basis for Ben as a man before he changes into Ashley. I never thought about starting it right at that first morning the change happens. I'm definitely going to play around with that and see what comes of it.

Bramblethron: your point about Ben's mom's maiden name. *slapping myself in the forehead* Of course! Great point! I can't believe I missed that.

Robertreams: Thank you so much for your comments! Really! I'm glad you enjoyed it that much. Like I said in my first post, I've been a writer for a long time but never anything like this. It's good to know I'm on to something.

As I am new to Literotica and the community here, I'm not sure of how writers treat rewrites on here. Can I update the thing I posted? (I'm assuming no). I'm definitely going to rework the first chapter but is that something most people post later on or do people just leave it as is on here. The idea of keeping it as is on the site but reworking it on my own is an interesting idea too.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I'm done with chapter two and starting to work on chapter three now. I'm just waiting another day so I can read chapter two with fresh eyes in order to avoid anymore editing mistakes.

robertreams said:

excuse my typos, got a new lap top for xmas. First time I ever used one, but love the freedom.

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Oh yeah, and since you've read my story you know if there's anyone who will excuse the typos, it's me!

Bethesda said:

As I am new to Literotica and the community here, I'm not sure of how writers treat rewrites on here. Can I update the thing I posted?

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You can. Laurel provided instructions on how to submit edits in one of the FAQ's. Sorry I can't point you to which one.

Another alternative is to have Laurel remove the story, then you can repost your edited version. Again, instructions on how to have the story removed are in one of the FAQ's.

On the other hand, it's already out there and unless you intend to make major changes you won't have a lot to gain by editing it.

The FAQ on editing a story should be here: https://www.literotica.com/faq/05235347.shtml#05313767

NotWise said:

You can. Laurel provided instructions on how to submit edits in one of the FAQ's. Sorry I can't point you to which one.

Another alternative is to have Laurel remove the story, then you can repost your edited version. Again, instructions on how to have the story removed are in one of the FAQ's.

On the other hand, it's already out there and unless you intend to make major changes you won't have a lot to gain by editing it.

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sr71plt said:

The FAQ on editing a story should be here: https://www.literotica.com/faq/05235347.shtml#05313767

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Thanks guys! Much appreciated.