Training up a sub?

We're meeting up with a man who wants to be our sub. He wants to start his training this weekend. I'm hoping to go over a few dos and don'ts and have some playtime...but other than that, I'm at a loss for what else to do. We're meeting at his house, because we still have kids at home. Any advice for first timers?

MistyTrina said:

We're meeting up with a man who wants to be our sub. He wants to start his training this weekend. I'm hoping to go over a few dos and don'ts and have some playtime...but other than that, I'm at a loss for what else to do. We're meeting at his house, because we still have kids at home. Any advice for first timers?

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First timers at what? At BDSM? Meeting strangers? Putting things you've read about into action? Perhaps some more information for clarification, or very specific questions to help us give better replies.

Typically, it's suggested you meet for the first time in a public place and get to know someone before going further. Perhaps you should think about simply meeting this person to discuss likes and dislikes and limits. You both should communicate thoroughly before doing any playing. Find out what his dos and don'ts are as well as stating your own.

MistyTrina said:

We're meeting up with a man who wants to be our sub. He wants to start his training this weekend. I'm hoping to go over a few dos and don'ts and have some playtime...but other than that, I'm at a loss for what else to do. We're meeting at his house, because we still have kids at home. Any advice for first timers?

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Make sure your will is up to date.

MeekMe said:

First timers at what? At BDSM? Meeting strangers? Putting things you've read about into action? Perhaps some more information for clarification, or very specific questions to help us give better replies.

Typically, it's suggested you meet for the first time in a public place and get to know someone before going further. Perhaps you should think about simply meeting this person to discuss likes and dislikes and limits. You both should communicate thoroughly before doing any playing. Find out what his dos and don'ts are as well as stating your own.

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I second this. Meeting in public first is not only safer, but it allows you to get to know the individual not just the kinky play -partner that lies within. I believe it is important to be friends before any kind of relationship (romantic or kinky) is pursued. Don't get caught up in the adrenaline and excitement. Take time to make sure you are clear on what you want and make sure this person matches that. If they don't, speak up! It's always nice to have another friend.

Best of luck, friend! Keep the questions comin' <3

MistyTrina said:

We're meeting up with a man who wants to be our sub. He wants to start his training this weekend. I'm hoping to go over a few dos and don'ts and have some playtime...but other than that, I'm at a loss for what else to do. We're meeting at his house, because we still have kids at home. Any advice for first timers?

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Felix_Jones said:

Make sure your will is up to date.

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^Agreed it's never a good idea to meet someone at their home. You never no what you'll get into.

Oh! My apologies. Sometimes I think everyone can read my mind, for some strange reason, and just assume you all know what I am saying.

Let me try this again...

We met (in public) and have been talking with a man for several weeks about being our sub. He wants to start training this weekend. This will be our first BDSM play, however we've been swinging and playing for awhile now and always have safety in the front of our minds. My husband and I have a few safety rules if either one of us feels uncomfortable.

We all feel pretty comfortable together and have become fast friends. He's just like us, blue collar, hard working, animal loving, family oriented, misunderstood...

This man likes orgasm denial, water sports, having his balls tied up, and using butt plugs. He wears a cage a lot. I've never used any of those, except the denial. I mean, come on...I've been married almost 30 years to a dominate man. Gotta get my way somehow!

What do we do first? What all is there to training a sub?

We can't really tell you what to do. That all depends on what you want and what you've agreed to. There is no universal "training." There is no perfect way to do things like this. My suggestion is to go slow. It's s learning process and takes time. Ask questions and see what works.

If he's into things you've never used or are not comfortable with, perhaps he'll be able to relay his experience with those things. You can also look into you local scene for educational resources.

Something I've learned is that there are so many flavors of Dominance and submission and such a range within BDSM as well. There's no "one" way to do it or "one" way to start or to train a sub.

A couple good resources (aside from here) to learn more about how others do it and find what you may like are: fetlife.com (a facebook type site for BDSM and kink) and local "munches" (social get-togethers for those in the lifestyle). Running a search in fetlife for discussion groups in your city should turn up some that get together socially - go meet up with them and chat! I see "PA" in your location... if you're near Pittsburgh, there are a couple groups out this way that post details on munches on fetlife.

A core thing is learning about his limits. Don't take "I have none" or "I want to totally submit" for an answer - EVERYONE has limits, even if they're very basic and common sense: no minors, no animals, etc. If you've already learned his, since you've already been talking, great. But, having a safe word, even if something pops up he hadn't thought of as a limit, he's got that way to put play on pause to voice his discomforts with whatever it is.

What does he want out of it, though? What sort of tone to things? Does he like things heavy on degradation or not care for that aspect too much? Does he like his Dom/Domme more aloof, demanding and sharp spoken or to exert a warmer, more soft spoken yet firm confidence? Is he focused more on sexual activities... or exploring impact/pain play... or the idea of the structure and discipline? Crawl into his mind by having him express the picture he has of things to see if it meshes with yours - as with any relationship or even sexual encounter, compatibility is a consideration. Plus, with everyone on the same sheet of music, it's more fulfilling to everyone, right?

Also, look at what you would enjoy as far as the above, and what your style and focus is. Though I'm more naturally a sub, I can switch and wear the Dom hat, BUT some things or approaches just do not fit naturally with me. I know my nature. Personally, I dislike harsh degradation, so I know right off the bat that it would not feel right to play with a sub who really desires that... either the sub would be disappointed by its lack or I'd be doing something unnatural and uncomfortable. I'd let any prospective sub know "this is my style, that is not my style" to give them a picture of how I am and let them decide whether it aligns with what they are looking for. Likewise, as a sub, I like to have a feel for what I'm getting into as far as the person/people and their philosophies and approaches.

Understanding what he wants out of things and how it meshes with the images in your mind and what's natural to you in your role(s) might begin to form an idea of how you'd want to go about training. At a minimum, it helps you filter out what might or might not work for you all as you learn about how others approach training and what it looks like for them.

Training will essentially encompass teaching him to do things the way you want them done. Getting him to do things that you both believe should be part of your dynamic.
For example, if you happen to enjoy a high protocol dynamic, taking him through your protocols so that he understands them, has the opportunity to ask questions without fear of recrimination, and get to grips with what you will require of him.
He may assume that you wish to be addressed as "Mistress " when, in fact, your preference is "Goddesses of the highest divinity whose shoes must be polished by my tongue"

Have fun training. There is room for fun and laughter too.

There is right or wrong, only what is right in your individual dynamic.

In a similar boat

I actually just started training a new sub also. Although she is not the first sub I've been with or trained, she is the first sub I've had who has lived a completely vanilla life until now.

I think other posts have gone over a lot of the basics already, safe words, limits, talking about what you want out of it, etc and it's true, BDSM is so varied and complex that specifics are hard to give, but here are a few tricks I've used previously that have worked for me or I've heard work for others. Mostly oldies-but-goodies:

Red/Yellow/Green
This one is common, you probably already know it, but just in case:
Red: Stop
Yellow: Slow
Green: More

Hot/Cold
Similar to R/Y/G but is less about safety and more about what they like.

Sleigh bells
I like to use sleigh bells as a sort of safe word as well. There are cases when the sub may be unable to give the safeword (gag, deepthroat, etc) and in those cases I like to make them hold a sleigh bell in each hand. If they drop both, its a Red Light. (Although my sub just got her nipples pierced, so I have more uses for them....)

I-Spy
Fun game I like to play with a sub. We will walk into a room of the house and we each pick a object to be used on them however I please. It's simple, but it can really get the creative juices flowing. And it gives me an opportunity to punish her if she chooses poorly. (Best place to start is the kitchen or garage) Just remember to clean things before and after.

Lottery
All parties involved write fantasies they want to try on pieces of paper and you go through them randomly.

I got a few more, if this is what you're asking for. PM me and we can bounce ideas.

Every time a "training" conversations comes up, it reminds me that I don't seem to think of this stuff the way other people think of this stuff...

Because most people think about safewords, and xyz sexual siutations, but the first thing that always pops into my mind is "How does he like his coffee?"

For *me* the sexual side of things isn't really "training" - it's mutual communication and exploration. If the [sexual] goal is to get each other [or just one person] off, and have a lot of pleasure in the process... that can't really be instructed like a training module (IMO). There are too many individual variables.

I wish it was more socially acceptable in kinky circles to "explore" instead of "train". Or maybe I'm just too literal, and when people say "train" they actually mean "explore", instead of learn how to make someone's coffee.

CutieMouse said:

Every time a "training" conversations comes up, it reminds me that I don't seem to think of this stuff the way other people think of this stuff...

Because most people think about safewords, and xyz sexual siutations, but the first thing that always pops into my mind is "How does he like his coffee?"

For *me* the sexual side of things isn't really "training" - it's mutual communication and exploration. If the [sexual] goal is to get each other [or just one person] off, and have a lot of pleasure in the process... that can't really be instructed like a training module (IMO). There are too many individual variables.

I wish it was more socially acceptable in kinky circles to "explore" instead of "train". Or maybe I'm just too literal, and when people say "train" they actually mean "explore", instead of learn how to make someone's coffee.

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Nah, I'm on the same page. "training" makes me cringe a little. I love this explore thing, though. ^_^

CutieMouse said:

Every time a "training" conversations comes up, it reminds me that I don't seem to think of this stuff the way other people think of this stuff...

Because most people think about safewords, and xyz sexual siutations, but the first thing that always pops into my mind is "How does he like his coffee?"

For *me* the sexual side of things isn't really "training" - it's mutual communication and exploration. If the [sexual] goal is to get each other [or just one person] off, and have a lot of pleasure in the process... that can't really be instructed like a training module (IMO). There are too many individual variables.

I wish it was more socially acceptable in kinky circles to "explore" instead of "train". Or maybe I'm just too literal, and when people say "train" they actually mean "explore", instead of learn how to make someone's coffee.

Click to expand...

I think you're right in that "training" and "explore" are often used interchangeably. Although I personally see a slight difference between the two. From my perspective, I explore kinks with my sub, but I train a sub, especially new subs, in things such as safety, protocol, and my expectations, similar to how a company trains a new employee. Words like guide, teach, or cultivate have a similar connotation to what I mean.

But sometimes, "training" is exactly what people say and mean, I once met a a man who wanted just that. He was primarily into bondage and pony play, and wanted someone to "train" him. He wanted his mistress to have unilateral control over him, to "indoctrinate" him in a sense.

Interestingly, my sub explicitly likes the word "train" as she says it reinforces the power dynamic.

Socratic_Wisdom said:

I think you're right in that "training" and "explore" are often used interchangeably. Although I personally see a slight difference between the two. From my perspective, I explore kinks with my sub, but I train a sub, especially new subs, in things such as safety, protocol, and my expectations, similar to how a company trains a new employee. Words like guide, teach, or cultivate have a similar connotation to what I mean.

But sometimes, "training" is exactly what people say and mean, I once met a a man who wanted just that. He was primarily into bondage and pony play, and wanted someone to "train" him. He wanted his mistress to have unilateral control over him, to "indoctrinate" him in a sense.

Interestingly, my sub explicitly likes the word "train" as she says it reinforces the power dynamic.

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Yeah but see "protocol" and "expectations" are such subjective things that it really is more like "how do they like their coffee?" than not.

I think of training in terms of learning a specific skill. S and I are interested in me learning to bootblack, or in the past we've talked about me learning a bit more how to massage since his work used to be more physically taxing than it is now, for instance. I know he likes his coffee non-existent, lol. I know his taste in decor and style down to a tee, I know how he likes his food, I know how he likes his beer.

In a parallel universe tho I'm sure he'd have laid all that down for me instead of making me pick them up gradually like some plebeian vanilla. ;P

I would get to know him better. He may not be for you and he may not be for real. There are people who resent the scene and try to hurt people. Be careful. Sit with it and if after several meetings he runs away then this is a fantasy and he doesn't want the reality. Some people want one experience and then it is too much and they run away. I would see how truly committed he is.