Why Leili Hates Witches is something that popped into my head years ago when I saw a piece of tentacle hentai that had the girl smiling instead of screaming. Fast forward a bit and now I know "consenticles" are a thing with a following so I take the plunge and write. Part of the goal was to improve how I write love scenes (albeit weird ones) and the other was to just get the idea out of my head. I've finished the first Arc of the story and I'm happy with the likes I'm getting, just starved for conversation about it. Story is 5 parts long and about 5.5k words per part.
Story Discussion 4/27/2016, Why Leili Hates Witches, by doinstuff
- Thread starter doinstuff
- Start date
Get it here
https://www.literotica.com/s/why-leili-hates-witches
https://www.literotica.com/s/why-leili-hates-witches-ch-02
https://www.literotica.com/s/why-leili-hates-witches-ch-03
https://www.literotica.com/s/why-leili-hates-witches-ch-04
https://www.literotica.com/s/why-leili-hates-witches-ch-05
https://www.literotica.com/s/why-leili-hates-witches
https://www.literotica.com/s/why-leili-hates-witches-ch-02
https://www.literotica.com/s/why-leili-hates-witches-ch-03
https://www.literotica.com/s/why-leili-hates-witches-ch-04
https://www.literotica.com/s/why-leili-hates-witches-ch-05
Let me have it...
Overall I'm happy with the piece, but I really want to get chatty about it. In particular, I had to speed along the relationship development. While I think I delivered some good romantic lines in there, I also have the distinct aftertaste of cheddar from how cheesy it comes across to me as a whole. Other than that, I just want to talk about it with anyone who's interested. I got thick skin so don't worry about your tone.
Thanks in advance!
Overall I'm happy with the piece, but I really want to get chatty about it. In particular, I had to speed along the relationship development. While I think I delivered some good romantic lines in there, I also have the distinct aftertaste of cheddar from how cheesy it comes across to me as a whole. Other than that, I just want to talk about it with anyone who's interested. I got thick skin so don't worry about your tone.
Thanks in advance!
PervOtaku
Really Really Experienced
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- Sep 27, 2013
- Posts
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I don't normally get caught in these requests for feedback as I would be here all day if I did, but you had me at "tentacles".
You introduce Leili as clearly genre-saavy, though this is mostly used as an excuse for her to be annoyed at the railroading witch from the very start.
The railroading witches themselves are a device to move the plot along in a hurry without needing to bother with any logical progression of events. Now, the nature of the witches is enough of a mystery with a good enough payoff to make it okay for a story of this length, especially considering their presence is what helps keep the story shorter in the first place. I think you probably could have managed pretty much the same plot without needing them around to guide things, and it could then have been much less campy in tone. However, the right amount of camp is great fun, so as long as that's what you were going for, you succeeded.
The reluctant tentacle monster is a good twist and the demon possession idea was a good way to get there. The introduction of the cultists felt like prime camp, then took a darker turn once they revealed their true purpose. The way everything tied together in the goblin cave was splendid. I might also say a bit contrived and quite a bit muddled, but for the facts that, one, this is a porn story after all and sex has to play into it somehow, even if the need for it is handwaved technobabble, and two, given the length of the story everything does have to resolve itself rather quickly.
Leili and Kierdis are in love with each other awfully quickly, love at first fuck, in fact. Again, because it's a short story I wouldn't have expected a slow cooking romance anyway, though it is the sort of thing where one would generally either state that there's a bit of a time skip between chapters and their affections grew over that time, or lampshade it by having Leili notice how fast and hard she fell for him.
All in all, a pleasant little read that gets in, does what it set out to do, and gets out. There are enough unexplored plot hooks that it could be expanded into a longer and more serious story with more exploration of Kierdis's history and curse, more involvement and depth into the cult, an ending that doesn't rely on a sudden goblin cave, and no railroading witches. I'm not saying that would have been better or that the current length is bad, just that the possibility is there. Good ideas, adequate execution, and I look forward to seeing more from you.
Personally, I have developed a high awareness of the phenomenon of the female rape fetish, so I do like to start things out with force. However, I think a woman can only be tentacle raped so many times before she realizes how enjoyable it is and subsequently wants it. So there's plenty of room for both depending on the context, and I've used various angles on this in my own stories.
That is so very often the case for me as well!
There's no denying that is the case, however it is tasty cheese indeed. The comedic tone pretty much makes everything forgivable that might otherwise be a flaw.
You introduce Leili as clearly genre-saavy, though this is mostly used as an excuse for her to be annoyed at the railroading witch from the very start.
The railroading witches themselves are a device to move the plot along in a hurry without needing to bother with any logical progression of events. Now, the nature of the witches is enough of a mystery with a good enough payoff to make it okay for a story of this length, especially considering their presence is what helps keep the story shorter in the first place. I think you probably could have managed pretty much the same plot without needing them around to guide things, and it could then have been much less campy in tone. However, the right amount of camp is great fun, so as long as that's what you were going for, you succeeded.
The reluctant tentacle monster is a good twist and the demon possession idea was a good way to get there. The introduction of the cultists felt like prime camp, then took a darker turn once they revealed their true purpose. The way everything tied together in the goblin cave was splendid. I might also say a bit contrived and quite a bit muddled, but for the facts that, one, this is a porn story after all and sex has to play into it somehow, even if the need for it is handwaved technobabble, and two, given the length of the story everything does have to resolve itself rather quickly.
Leili and Kierdis are in love with each other awfully quickly, love at first fuck, in fact. Again, because it's a short story I wouldn't have expected a slow cooking romance anyway, though it is the sort of thing where one would generally either state that there's a bit of a time skip between chapters and their affections grew over that time, or lampshade it by having Leili notice how fast and hard she fell for him.
All in all, a pleasant little read that gets in, does what it set out to do, and gets out. There are enough unexplored plot hooks that it could be expanded into a longer and more serious story with more exploration of Kierdis's history and curse, more involvement and depth into the cult, an ending that doesn't rely on a sudden goblin cave, and no railroading witches. I'm not saying that would have been better or that the current length is bad, just that the possibility is there. Good ideas, adequate execution, and I look forward to seeing more from you.
Worth the wait.
Thanks! Always nice to see someone else appreciates the same stuff.
This is actually pretty enlightening to me. Not about my writing, since that was the intent when I was writing it. More like, 'how the hell did I forget that when I reread it?.' I can get very objective about my own work. Sometimes I can even get objective to the point where I read my own writing as if someone else wrote it. It's kind of weird that someone else had to remind me what my own objective was.
She's actually really integral to the story as a whole. I can say, without giving any spoilers, that she's eventually going to get her own series. It's basically going to take a while for me to figure out all the who, when, where's involved with her temporal displacement. See attachment for a brief yet, complete description of the problem.
Chapter 1 is in fall. Chapter 2 is in Winter. A small distinction, and I sure as hell could have called more attention to it, but there is a time skip between chapters one two and three. Still, it is awfully fast when you read it, and I can't really see how else it could have been for the length.
Thanks again for the response. It was worth the wait. Leili and Kierdis are probably going to be benched for a bit while I write other things that have occupied my headspace, but they will definitely be back.
Thanks! Always nice to see someone else appreciates the same stuff.
This is actually pretty enlightening to me. Not about my writing, since that was the intent when I was writing it. More like, 'how the hell did I forget that when I reread it?.' I can get very objective about my own work. Sometimes I can even get objective to the point where I read my own writing as if someone else wrote it. It's kind of weird that someone else had to remind me what my own objective was.
She's actually really integral to the story as a whole. I can say, without giving any spoilers, that she's eventually going to get her own series. It's basically going to take a while for me to figure out all the who, when, where's involved with her temporal displacement. See attachment for a brief yet, complete description of the problem.
Chapter 1 is in fall. Chapter 2 is in Winter. A small distinction, and I sure as hell could have called more attention to it, but there is a time skip between chapters one two and three. Still, it is awfully fast when you read it, and I can't really see how else it could have been for the length.
Thanks again for the response. It was worth the wait. Leili and Kierdis are probably going to be benched for a bit while I write other things that have occupied my headspace, but they will definitely be back.
Attachments
Having finished the series...
Overall pretty good story and the sex scenes aren't bad either. It's refreshing to see consensual tentacle porn (or consentacles as it is known in the scientist circles) which is a rarity (unless it's the type where the rape victim is brainwashed to become a willing slave.)
The humorous narrator thing started out well but by the end of the series I think you should have reined in that joke a bit as it was getting old and making the narrator seem even more frustrated at his job didn't help. But that's just my opinion.
I also liked the happy ending. The story had tropes that are usually in "corruption" genre which ends with the villains winning but you managed to make a happy story with the same theme.
Overall pretty good story and the sex scenes aren't bad either. It's refreshing to see consensual tentacle porn (or consentacles as it is known in the scientist circles) which is a rarity (unless it's the type where the rape victim is brainwashed to become a willing slave.)
The humorous narrator thing started out well but by the end of the series I think you should have reined in that joke a bit as it was getting old and making the narrator seem even more frustrated at his job didn't help. But that's just my opinion.
I also liked the happy ending. The story had tropes that are usually in "corruption" genre which ends with the villains winning but you managed to make a happy story with the same theme.
Happy ending is best ending!
I originally dropped him in chapter 3, but it gave me kind of a "Who are you, and what did you do with our real narrator?" feeling. I agree he comes across as tired towards the end, but it seemed way too inconsistent without his grumpiness.
There was a lot of temptation to just have them tentacles go nuts on every hole Leili had, and originally, I was thinking Erila would fall for Kierdis too. While having two women sharing his phallic appendages was pretty dang hot, it subverted Kierdis' character and made no sense against the backdrop of fighting against corruption. However, I feel love is as much an attitude towards commitment as it is a burning passion. It always strikes me as insincere When a male character says he loves someone, but is screwing someone else the very next chapter. An author can try and force the issue and have everyone okay with it, but it's always comes across as naive wish fulfillment. Swinging, harems, and giving control to lust can make things plenty kinky, but they don't have a place in a story aiming for a happy romantic ending.
I originally dropped him in chapter 3, but it gave me kind of a "Who are you, and what did you do with our real narrator?" feeling. I agree he comes across as tired towards the end, but it seemed way too inconsistent without his grumpiness.
There was a lot of temptation to just have them tentacles go nuts on every hole Leili had, and originally, I was thinking Erila would fall for Kierdis too. While having two women sharing his phallic appendages was pretty dang hot, it subverted Kierdis' character and made no sense against the backdrop of fighting against corruption. However, I feel love is as much an attitude towards commitment as it is a burning passion. It always strikes me as insincere When a male character says he loves someone, but is screwing someone else the very next chapter. An author can try and force the issue and have everyone okay with it, but it's always comes across as naive wish fulfillment. Swinging, harems, and giving control to lust can make things plenty kinky, but they don't have a place in a story aiming for a happy romantic ending.
Well, polyamory is a thing but it is not that common and neither are swinger couples. Besides Leili had shown jealousy before so unless the trio had merely had one threesome due to the general horniness of their situation or something it would have seemed a bit unrealistic to most people. (Unrealistic aspects in a story with witches and monsters? Say it ain't so!)
Then again, at one point of the story I did assume that Erila would have ended up having sex with Leili... I thought that she would help power up Leili to fight the monster inside Kierdis by having sex (although that probably would have been one mean hate-fuck because both women hated each other but might have done it to defeat the monster and/or save Kierdis.)
Then again, at one point of the story I did assume that Erila would have ended up having sex with Leili... I thought that she would help power up Leili to fight the monster inside Kierdis by having sex (although that probably would have been one mean hate-fuck because both women hated each other but might have done it to defeat the monster and/or save Kierdis.)
PervOtaku
Really Really Experienced
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- Sep 27, 2013
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This tends to also be a factor of story length. For me, usually the number of sex scenes I concoct informs how many chapters the story ends up with. For any given set of characters it's an obvious ploy to make more scenes by exploiting the different combinations of people, so skipping over such possibilities shows that the overall plot had a stronger role in shaping the story than the sex scenes did.
Believe it or not, I made the plot up as I went. It was more about making the characters stick to their guns personality wise. Kierdis is an honorable guy, so staying with one woman was his thing. Also, proto Leili was originally based off of Lightning Warrior Raidy (she became her own person eventually, but the origin is still pretty obvious). I love Kazuma Muramasa's art, I just wanted this story to be way less rape filled than those games.
