M
Madelyne13
Guest
Hopefully I am making progress in my writing. Opinions welcomed
https://www.literotica.com/s/angel-without-wings-pt-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/angel-without-wings-pt-01
ElectricBlue
Connoisseur
- Joined
- May 10, 2014
- Posts
- 15,426
An interesting little story with some sugar and spice.
It would have worked far better for me without the first two paragraphs, in which you give the game away right from the start. I think you could have eased in who she was, little by little, bit by bit, so the reader thinks, "wait, is she no ordinary woman, is there something a little bit strange going on here?" A slower reveal, leading up to the punchline, which I liked.
Your main technical issue, I think, is your tense shift, from present tense to past tense and back again. Trust me, you're not alone doing this - I did it in one of my most successful stories, and didn't even see that I did, until it was pointed out to me (thanks, Simon
) - but it's something that a tighter edit will find and fix in your next story. But I was able to overlook that because of the tasty encounters. Your dialogue is nice and easy, too.
Write more, next time. This is a snippet.
It would have worked far better for me without the first two paragraphs, in which you give the game away right from the start. I think you could have eased in who she was, little by little, bit by bit, so the reader thinks, "wait, is she no ordinary woman, is there something a little bit strange going on here?" A slower reveal, leading up to the punchline, which I liked.
Your main technical issue, I think, is your tense shift, from present tense to past tense and back again. Trust me, you're not alone doing this - I did it in one of my most successful stories, and didn't even see that I did, until it was pointed out to me (thanks, Simon
) - but it's something that a tighter edit will find and fix in your next story. But I was able to overlook that because of the tasty encounters. Your dialogue is nice and easy, too.Write more, next time. This is a snippet
.
M
Madelyne13
Guest
An interesting little story with some sugar and spice.
It would have worked far better for me without the first two paragraphs, in which you give the game away right from the start. I think you could have eased in who she was, little by little, bit by bit, so the reader thinks, "wait, is she no ordinary woman, is there something a little bit strange going on here?" A slower reveal, leading up to the punchline, which I liked.
Your main technical issue, I think, is your tense shift, from present tense to past tense and back again. Trust me, you're not alone doing this - I did it in one of my most successful stories, and didn't even see that I did, until it was pointed out to me (thanks, Simon
Write more, next time. This is a snippet
Thank you. I was caught in two minds. How much to reveal? How much to hold back? I wanted the reader to know enough, not to just think "What the fuck?" and walk away in confusion. You are right about the tenses. I was warned about that but maybe didn't address it as I thought I had. I do seem to be tense blind. Dialogue used to feel awkward and unreal so I guess there is progress there. Thank you for taking the time to give me feedback I appreciate it.
Maeven_quinn
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2018
- Posts
- 398
Quick comment on this passage here.
Verb choice "I scolded" might have been too strong. It doesn't seem like the speaker is actually mad there, just teasing a bit. The clap back from Lucy is on point though.
The description used exact measurements. This is a major peeve for me, and I know a lot of other readers too. It's sadly common for some reason. ("She was 6 feet 2 inches and hot. Her c-cup breasts were held in a dainty bra that made men drool. Weighing only 160 lbs, she sat comfy on the executive's couch, ready to seduce her")
The rest of your physical description worked great. It was enough to describe the character, but not so much as to bog the user down with excess.
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Madelyne13
Guest
You are correct that I didn't intend Alice to be mad just playful so maybe the verb is too strong. Thank you for telling me about the description detail. I didn't realise that could be an issue. I usually do use specific height but not weight. Usually people know their height and it doesn't change. Weights are not so obvious. I will bear that in mind though.
Thank you
thewinedarksea
Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 11, 2018
- Posts
- 122
It's coming along Madelyne!
NotWise
Desert Rat
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2015
- Posts
- 13,601
I haven't read the story, but as far as this specific choice of words is concerned, I don't find it that bad. Discouraging the use of adverbs is popular, but they have their place. Rather than changing the verb, you could color it with "I scolded, but playfully."
That's a simple solution. There are other ways to get across the idea that she's using a scolding tone of voice, but in a playful way.
