New Story

Hey guys. I wanted to ask for some feedback on my story. Im not a professional writer but I wanted to tell the story so people could read it. Its part 1 of a few. And it is a true story. Help me out!

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-friendly-visit-pt-01

DivineDD said:

Hey guys. I wanted to ask for some feedback on my story. Im not a professional writer but I wanted to tell the story so people could read it. Its part 1 of a few. And it is a true story. Help me out!

Click to expand...

What you provided is very short -- less than half of a full Lit page. There isn't enough content for me to comment on the story.

There are a lot of grammar and punctuation problems in the writing, some of which were serious enough to make events hard to follow. I won't go into detail. I recommend that you find an editor.

Please write out numbers. For instance, "6 months" should be "six months."

You use "I" a lot, which seems natural when you're writing in first person, but it becomes repetitive and in many cases unnecessary. For instance, "I heard her father as well," could simply be "Her father said." There are a lot of cases like that.

It might be considered poor style to start your story with your wife's measurements, but that's subjective.

I expect writers to use the beginning of a story for characterization and to set the scene. I feel like I know very little about your characters and less about the setting. Does Faith's father have a name? I couldn't find one other than "Mr. P."

Your storytelling seems rushed, but at the same time overly wordy. For instance "I stay there, frozen, watching the small movements that I could see, listening to these noises I can hear," could be "I froze there, watched their small movements, and listened to the noises they made." Notice that I switched the sentence back to a consistent past tense, which is the predominant tense in the story.

Developing characters and setting more might help the story telling. Making better use of dialogue to tell the story might also help.

NotWise said:

What you provided is very short -- less than half of a full Lit page. There isn't enough content for me to comment on the story.

There are a lot of grammar and punctuation problems in the writing, some of which were serious enough to make events hard to follow. I won't go into detail. I recommend that you find an editor.

Please write out numbers. For instance, "6 months" should be "six months."

You use "I" a lot, which seems natural when you're writing in first person, but it becomes repetitive and in many cases unnecessary. For instance, "I heard her father as well," could simply be "Her father said." There are a lot of cases like that.

It might be considered poor style to start your story with your wife's measurements, but that's subjective.

I expect writers to use the beginning of a story for characterization and to set the scene. I feel like I know very little about your characters and less about the setting. Does Faith's father have a name? I couldn't find one other than "Mr. P."

Your storytelling seems rushed, but at the same time overly wordy. For instance "I stay there, frozen, watching the small movements that I could see, listening to these noises I can hear," could be "I froze there, watched their small movements, and listened to the noises they made." Notice that I switched the sentence back to a consistent past tense, which is the predominant tense in the story.

Developing characters and setting more might help the story telling. Making better use of dialogue to tell the story might also help.

Click to expand...

Thank you for your feedback. Like I had said, I'm by no means a professional writer, so feedback like this helps!

First, your style is readable...but it needs some polish as was noted by several readers. You obviously worked on it to make it fairly clean though. A number of the comments on the story page made relevant points, IMO. The major flaw is the rushed nature of it. Also, you totally telegraphed the climax in the very first paragraph. I knew it would end with daddy and girlfriend doing nasty time together...it's just a matter of how/when.

You inform us that this is a true story;

Thus, think about filling the reader in on why daughter left home to live with her boyfriend/future husband (you)?(if dad is so hot, why leave home in the first place?) What kind of relationship does husband/wife have...why would she want to cheat on him (you) with her father? (bad in bed? not enough time spent together? why?) What is it about sex with dad that fuels her lust and drive to risk it all? Why so much emphasis on the hard bed? Would husband be so blind to the signs of hanky-panky and/or would Dad/Faith be so careless (i.e. is this really believable enough?) I'm not suggesting you have to spill all the beans right away, but maybe sprinkle a trail of beans for us to follow.

As an aside; The biggest problem I personally have with 'first person point of view' is it can be too confining. If you've not done third person, you might want to read up on it and see if it would give you more tools to tell the whole story. With third person you could have gone into the thoughts of wife/daughter, dad and husband. As it was written, we only "heard" the husband's thoughts/questions.

This would be a made-up example of third person; After the phone call from her father, Faith sat anxiously waiting for her husband to get home from work. As she fidgeted, her thoughts replayed every word her dad had said, and to say she was flustered would be an understatement. What he told her was almost beyond imagination, and yet he made it all sound very doable. How Kaiden would feel about it was the big unknown. One thing she agreed with her father about, it would be best for him to talk to Kaiden first. Her imagination was overloaded with just what this might all mean.

From here, you could go a number of directions; 1) Kaiden could flip out, scream, cry and say no way! or; He could get really aroused. or; He could be ambivalent/curious and need some coaxing to go along.

^^^ that is not intended to perfectly portray the story you have in your head...hopefully it gives you an idea of how to explore thoughts/emotions without Kaiden "telling" every step. Since this is a true story, you need not feel constrained to only report the facts...if you need to make up something to make it clearer or more erotic, it's fiction and you can add whatever you want. Hope some of this helps, I'm just an amateur like you and only giving another opinion. Best wishes and success.