Share your perspective on Switching

Kick started by the gentle Domme thread, let's talk about switching.

What is your perception of switching? Can people successfully both act as Dom(me) and sub? Top and bottom? Is it possible with the same person? Are different relationships required for the different functions? Does a switching partnership have more challenges than a static partnership or more rewards? How are switches regarded in a community largely defined by Dom(mes) and subs? Is it uncomfortable interacting with switches? Would you interact the same with someone regardless if they were Dom(me), sub or switch?

This is the thread to share any and all experiences, thoughts, feelings and questions on switching.

*lurks*

I will go out on my own little limb here:
I would say i'm a natural 'switch'.(although i shun 'pigeon holing'..no its not a weird sexual act )
For me it means nothing more than the best of both worlds,mood and company depending
The key for me is communication.
After all, no matter what, my goal is to please and be pleased.(And its fun)

I am owned by a Collared submissive. His Ma'am, my metamour, is super fantastic. There is absolutely no question that he is dominant of me, and no question that he is submissive to her. It works exactly as you'd expect...there's no ambiguity about whether he's "secretly" more one or the other.

It does result in occasional amusements - she'll tell him to get her a glass of water, and he'll tell me to get it, and I end up getting it (which I'm happy to do). She's allowed to override that and make him get it, but NOT allowed to tell me directly to get it for her.

This depends on a person, but yes, it is possible. And as with anything else - with a different measure of success.

It's just that some people are only submissive, and they can't (or don't want to) really perform the dominant role. And of course vice versa - some people are so dominant by nature that even if they agree to be submissive - they will have trouble overcoming their leading demeanor.

Of course everything comes with training. If you are dominant and want to explore your submissive side - you just may have trouble being a good sub right away. Get trained, and you will be an excellent submissive.

And yet there are people who have no trouble at all getting into both headspaces. I attribute myself to this category. I can be dominant, but I can just let go and be submissive too.

I guess the only question here is - does this person even want to switch roles? I knew people who were perfectly happy sticking to their roles for good. They would try switching if their partner really wanted, but they were not really into it. Like, they did it to please their partner. And when your heart is not into it, I don't know how good of a dom or sub you can become.

I have a lovely switch friend. I love being able to get their perspective on things as they can more easily put a 'dom' head on, or a 'submissive' head and I am a tiny bit envious of that.

Sometimes I think about writing a D/s story and how it would be useful to have a more switchy mindset. I have trouble accessing a Dom mindset, but I don't mind that atm. I don't feel the urge to switch in play either.

I don't think there is any anti- switch, or even pro-switch, sentiments in our bdsm community, or not that I have noticed. All part of the fun kinky mix out there.

Would I interact differently depending on whether they were a switch, Dom(me) or sub? Whilst I would like to say no, I think I probably do, a bit, not deliberately. I tend to adapt my manner a bit depending on who I am talking to anyway. Chatting with other subs tends to be easiest, then switches, then Doms, then Dommes. Unfortunately most Dommes I have met have been totally uninterested in chatting.

Interesting thread CnC!

Well if you are a switch it's just what you are. Somebody has dominant desires, somebody has submissive. Some have both - they are switches, and others have neither at all, and are not into kink entirely.

Nezhul said:

Well if you are a switch it's just what you are. Somebody has dominant desires, somebody has submissive. Some have both - they are switches, and others have neither at all, and are not into kink entirely.

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This is actually a really important point. A lot of people seem to think that the more submissive a person is, the less dominant they are. But there's not a dom to sub spectrum. They're two different scales entirely. And then when you factor in the many things the word "switch" can mean for different people, it makes the bias against them seem really stupid.

BiBunny said:

This is actually a really important point. A lot of people seem to think that the more submissive a person is, the less dominant they are. But there's not a dom to sub spectrum. They're two different scales entirely. And then when you factor in the many things the word "switch" can mean for different people, it makes the bias against them seem really stupid.

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I'm pretty sure that Jung would disagree with you on this. Well, I think he would have back when he was alive. Can you go into some detail on how you see dominance and submission existing on separate spectra?

Collar_N_Cuffs said:

Kick started by the gentle Domme thread, let's talk about switching.

What is your perception of switching? Can people successfully both act as Dom(me) and sub? Top and bottom? Is it possible with the same person? Are different relationships required for the different functions? Does a switching partnership have more challenges than a static partnership or more rewards? How are switches regarded in a community largely defined by Dom(mes) and subs? Is it uncomfortable interacting with switches? Would you interact the same with someone regardless if they were Dom(me), sub or switch?

This is the thread to share any and all experiences, thoughts, feelings and questions on switching.

Click to expand...

What is your perception of switching? I think one has to be somewhere in the middle ranges of the spectrum of Dom -> sub in order to switch. Maybe possible, but unlikely for a person on either extreme to find much fulfillment in switching. (Actually, I think a good example is the spectrum of heterosexual to homosexual, with "other/bi" in between...very hard for a hetero to go homo and vice-versa...But, if this analogy has merit, then there are probably more people who could be "switch" than strictly D or s (based on my belief that there are more shades of bisexuals that 100% hetero/homo).

Can people successfully both act as Dom(me) and sub? Top and bottom? I think so...again, think of Bisexual who can enjoy both same-sex and opposite-sex attractions/relationships. However, it's not possible for everyone.

Is it possible with the same person? Are different relationships required for the different functions? I think it is possible, but unlikely unless both parties are switches. Another difficulty for switches is in finding the time when both have shifted their inner voice toward desire for the other role...so an issue of when the "switch" happens, etc. The closer they both are to a neutral center point in their D-s personality would make this fluidity/shift easier, it seems.

Does a switching partnership have more challenges than a static partnership or more rewards? Again, I think this is dependent a great deal on just how strong the D or s personality is within a given individual. If a person has to 'force' the shift, then it becomes more of an act. To go out of one's true character in the attempt to switch, would probably be mostly challenges...whereas, if one just naturally flowed either way it would lead to greater rewards.

How are switches regarded in a community largely defined by Dom(mes) and subs? Not sure on this one, but it has been noted by others how much more accepting the 'community' has become to such diversity. So as time goes forward, I would suspect it will just become a new norm. (again, such as bisexuals faced similar criticism from "purists" on both sides).

Is it uncomfortable interacting with switches? Would you interact the same with someone regardless if they were Dom(me), sub or switch? In my mind, it would be ideal to be able to share both roles with another switch...but I can see where it would be very uncomfortable for some who are wired more firmly as either D or s. For me, as a self identified switch, I would interact very differently with a Dom(e), sub or switch...it would be a totally different set of rules for each, I would think.

Disclaimer: While accepting of any praise regarding my great wisdom, I refuse to be responsible for any foolish statements made by the above person

I find that my chemistry with each person is unique, and not dependent upon how they (or I) identify. I've met some Domly Doms who I'd like to Domme the shit out of, and some submissive women whose feet I'd be happy to curl myself around. I don't understand it, I just try to roll with it.

Wild_Honey_66 said:

I find that my chemistry with each person is unique, and not dependent upon how they (or I) identify. I've met some Domly Doms who I'd like to Domme the shit out of, and some submissive women whose feet I'd be happy to curl myself around. I don't understand it, I just try to roll with it.

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This rather captures my experience with my switchness as well.


I'll try to expand on this later as the scotch induced mellowness of the moment fades tomorrow...

I was never able to switch. I tried a couple of times, because my sub asked if he could Dom me as a reward. First off I was shocked. He is a complete sub. But when I tried, it just infuriated me. I took on the whole "How dare you" attitude. You were on your knees just a few hours ago and you expect Me to do it?? I question everything, as a sub, it don't work as well.

Yeah, bad of me I know. I just cant wrap my head around that submissive space.

I have largely explored BDSM through role playing online, so I guess part of it for me is these are just roles I'm playing. I think in terms of character and story more than myself.

For a long time I mainly did Dominant roles since there were more women seeking to role play submissives. It was a less fictional setting that I had my first sub experiences. It was still online, but not in the context of a story. I think a large part of it was the individual that brought out that different side in me.

I guess what I'm saying is that its more about the person than a desire to be one thing or another. Then again, while I've included some light BDSM in my real life, I don't have any experience in anything particularly intense in real life. Maybe that would change things for me.

Switching just sort of happens for me depending on the chemistry with the other person. I don't cycle out of one end of the spectrum and into the other. I like a good power dynamic in a relationship, so I think that I sense very early on which way the chips are going to fall. I used to think that partners brought out either one side or the other in me, but now I think that would be better described as my natural response to the other person's personality. A natural bent towards building up both the D and the s side in a relationship depending on where I sense the other person residing. I think I probably get a good feel for this right from the start, and nobody has ever surprised me.

I have on occasion felt D urges when I was the s, but I have never felt submissive urges when in the Domme role. There are other differences that play out. I have to seriously, seriously respect someone and hold them in pretty high esteem in order to submit to them, but I can top someone I care little about. That's not to say I never care for anyone I am topping, just that I require a higher emotional investment from myself in order to sub.

As to the OP, I'll answer my own questions when I haven't been imbibing. Most likely tomorrow, but you just never know how a Sunday is going to roll

I feel like somewhat of a fraud commenting here. I've never had a sub to dominate or a domme to submit to. And where I live, either partner is hard to find. I only reluctantly call myself a switch because I'm attracted to both sides of the power dynamic. Though I seem to be leaning more and more to the submissive side as time goes by.

To answer the original questions, I see no reason why a person couldn't be both a dom and a sub. And I suspect there's an advantage to it. I can't imagine playing either role on a long-term basis without getting bored and needing to "switch". I mean, do dominants get bored of being a dom(me) after awhile? And do submissives get bored of subbing after awhile? Maybe not in part-time relationships, but what about a full-time relationship?

Yes, I think it's possible to dom and sub with the same person. But it would have to be someone equally flexible about their relationship with you.

Are different relationships required for the different functions? I'm assuming you're talking about a public function. There would probably need to be adjustments, depending on how others perceive you.

Does a switching partnership have more challenges than a static partnership or more rewards? With no experience, I can't speak to the challenges. But I would say more rewards, because you're not locked into one role. I role play online, which is why I'm on Literotica. And the fun of role play is being able to become someone else you could never be in real life. For some, playing the dom(me) or sub is just another sexual role. And while some may choose to lock themselves into those roles, I think I'd rather explore and experiment with roles, like I do with online role play.

How are switches regarded in a community largely defined by Dom(mes) and subs? It's been awhile since I've been to a munch. And I'm sure attitudes have changed in that time. But back when I was more active, switches seemed to be regarded in less than a positive light. As dom(me)s or subs who simply hadn't come out of the closet yet or couldn't make up their minds.

Is it uncomfortable interacting with switches? Not for me, but I consider myself to be one.

Would you interact the same with someone regardless if they were Dom(me), sub or switch?
Yes!

dale124 said:

I feel like somewhat of a fraud commenting here. I've never had a sub to dominate or a domme to submit to. And where I live, either partner is hard to find. I only reluctantly call myself a switch because I'm attracted to both sides of the power dynamic. Though I seem to be leaning more and more to the submissive side as time goes by.

To answer the original questions, I see no reason why a person couldn't be both a dom and a sub. And I suspect there's an advantage to it. I can't imagine playing either role on a long-term basis without getting bored and needing to "switch". I mean, do dominants get bored of being a dom(me) after awhile? And do submissives get bored of subbing after awhile? Maybe not in part-time relationships, but what about a full-time relationship?

Yes, I think it's possible to dom and sub with the same person. But it would have to be someone equally flexible about their relationship with you.

Are different relationships required for the different functions? I'm assuming you're talking about a public function. There would probably need to be adjustments, depending on how others perceive you.

Does a switching partnership have more challenges than a static partnership or more rewards? With no experience, I can't speak to the challenges. But I would say more rewards, because you're not locked into one role. I role play online, which is why I'm on Literotica. And the fun of role play is being able to become someone else you could never be in real life. For some, playing the dom(me) or sub is just another sexual role. And while some may choose to lock themselves into those roles, I think I'd rather explore and experiment with roles, like I do with online role play.

How are switches regarded in a community largely defined by Dom(mes) and subs? It's been awhile since I've been to a munch. And I'm sure attitudes have changed in that time. But back when I was more active, switches seemed to be regarded in less than a positive light. As dom(me)s or subs who simply hadn't come out of the closet yet or couldn't make up their minds.

Is it uncomfortable interacting with switches? Not for me, but I consider myself to be one.

Would you interact the same with someone regardless if they were Dom(me), sub or switch?
Yes!

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I'm married, and 95% of the time he's the dominant. I never tire of being the submissive. I can switch and enjoy it, but prefer to be submissive the bast majority of the time.

BiBunny said:

This is actually a really important point. A lot of people seem to think that the more submissive a person is, the less dominant they are. But there's not a dom to sub spectrum. They're two different scales entirely. And then when you factor in the many things the word "switch" can mean for different people, it makes the bias against them seem really stupid.

Click to expand...

I would rather say that they are two intersecting circles. There is some common things, the intersection area, that would go either that way or this. They fall either on a dominant sude or submissive, and you can't have both.
And there are areas that are independent.

If your other person is a switch, do you have to be as well if you want to stay monogamous?

Depends on how strong those desires are.

Take me, for example. I'm a switch. But while I do have some submissive fantasies - I can live without fulfilling them just as well. It's not even really be "giving something up".

And also. With a right woman I'd be willing to give up kink entirely. I may be a bit of a romantic here, but there are such people, that as long as you are with them - you don't need anything more. At least I hope so.

Nezhul said:

Depends on how strong those desires are.

Take me, for example. I'm a switch. But while I do have some submissive fantasies - I can live without fulfilling them just as well. It's not even really be "giving something up".

And also. With a right woman I'd be willing to give up kink entirely. I may be a bit of a romantic here, but there are such people, that as long as you are with them - you don't need anything more. At least I hope so.

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I know someone like that, too.
Romantic is good.

Farawyn said:

If your other person is a switch, do you have to be as well if you want to stay monogamous?

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Interesting question and I don't have that answer, but I am reminded of a conversation I had years ago with another bisexual about people being afraid to be in a relation with a bi as they fear the bi will always want sex with someone of the other sex as well as with them and thus be at risk for being unfaithful. "I am bi choosing to be monogamous" - no different then any one committing to be sexual with only one person.

As a bi-switch I can be all over the place with sexual partners. I am now monogamous with a vanilla person of a different gender.

But I do have some great memories of my years as a player in San Francisco.

Shankara20 said:

Interesting question and I don't have that answer, but I am reminded of a conversation I had years ago with another bisexual about people being afraid to be in a relation with a bi as they fear the bi will always want sex with someone of the other sex as well as with them and thus be at risk for being unfaithful. "I am bi choosing to be monogamous" - no different then any one committing to be sexual with only one person.

As a bi-switch I can be all over the place with sexual partners. I am now monogamous with a vanilla person of a different gender.

But I do have some great memories of my years as a player in San Francisco.

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And anytime you start a thread on that subject I will be there with popcorn!

Farawyn said:

And anytime you start a thread on that subject I will be there with popcorn!

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(pondering..)

Shankara20 said:

(pondering..)

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Oooo, go on, you know, for educational purposes