DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?"
I dont know why youre shaking...shes gonna EAT me!"
In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The nun says, "Gladys, you know youre not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room. Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister.
She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells "Super Pussy!"
The man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think Ill have the soup."
( now that was funny)
I dont know why youre shaking...shes gonna EAT me!"
In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The nun says, "Gladys, you know youre not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room. Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister.
She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells "Super Pussy!"
The man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think Ill have the soup."
( now that was funny)
SweetMaj
Teasing Girl
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?"
I dont know why youre shaking...shes gonna EAT me!"
In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The nun says, "Gladys, you know youre not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room. Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister.
She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells "Super Pussy!"
The man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think Ill have the soup."
( now that was funny)
I LOVE reading this !!! Especially at work
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains.
"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."
"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"
"Not if you want to watch TV there aint!"
"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."
"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"
"Not if you want to watch TV there aint!"
BrianCaster
Really Really Experienced
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BrianCaster
Really Really Experienced
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- 6,689
A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didnt move. He finally brought the truck to a halt inches from them.
The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hells the matter with you two? Didnt you hear me? You could have been killed!"
The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hells the matter with you two? Didnt you hear me? You could have been killed!"
The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
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Crudebug
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Mum is working in the farmhouse kitchen when dad enters with his first erection in years. "Mum, get into bed!" he says.
She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, gets into bed ... but too late. Dad has withered away.
"Ya know, we can't have this happen again," says dad. "Next time I get one of these I'll ring the fire bell so you can start getting ready when you hear it. When I get to the house, we'll be right."
A year goes by. Mum's in the kitchen. She hears the fire bell. She goes through all the preparations. Dad comes pounding into the house, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where mum lies naked waiting for him.
He looks her over and says, "Get up, ya oversexed fool ... the barn's on fire!"
She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, gets into bed ... but too late. Dad has withered away.
"Ya know, we can't have this happen again," says dad. "Next time I get one of these I'll ring the fire bell so you can start getting ready when you hear it. When I get to the house, we'll be right."
A year goes by. Mum's in the kitchen. She hears the fire bell. She goes through all the preparations. Dad comes pounding into the house, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where mum lies naked waiting for him.
He looks her over and says, "Get up, ya oversexed fool ... the barn's on fire!"
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
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While vacationing i n Southern Texas, I decided to take a hike down along the border this morning. I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible person and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
Being a responsible person and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
Crudebug
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A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
joshgere70
Experienced
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This may be a tad racist. I apologise in advance to those it offends. However, this is all in good humour. Here goes.
A guy calls his best friend up and sounds scared. He says, "Dude, I don't know whether to be happy or call the cops. I was with my girlfriend from the middle east and while making out, she looked up at me and said I feel like blowing you!"
Here's another one.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Now, tell me that wasn't funny ;-)
A guy calls his best friend up and sounds scared. He says, "Dude, I don't know whether to be happy or call the cops. I was with my girlfriend from the middle east and while making out, she looked up at me and said I feel like blowing you!"
Here's another one.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Now, tell me that wasn't funny ;-)
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “NO!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fuckin cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “NO!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fuckin cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have
died."
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have
died."
BrianCaster
Really Really Experienced
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
This morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman
In a brand new VW !!
Doing 75kph
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The meat pie
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Mobile phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call!
BL00DY women drivers!!
I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman
In a brand new VW !!
Doing 75kph
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The meat pie
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Mobile phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call!
BL00DY women drivers!!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "Ive got a bigproblem, doctor.""Every time were in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets outthis earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "thats completely natural.I dont see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
"My dear," the doctor said, "thats completely natural.I dont see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 21, 2008
- Posts
- 21,855
I love Tortoises.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
This is a story which is perfectly logical
to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
SweetMaj
Teasing Girl
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2011
- Posts
- 16,741
This morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman
In a brand new VW !!
Doing 75kph
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The meat pie
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Mobile phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call!
BL00DY women drivers!!
This makes me laugh
BrianCaster
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2009
- Posts
- 315
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,208
SMART A$$:
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman..old Uncle Bill.. walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling a$$-holes."
Without skipping a beat, Bill said, "You must be doing well. ----------------- Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.
Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter... don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter!
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman..old Uncle Bill.. walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling a$$-holes."
Without skipping a beat, Bill said, "You must be doing well. ----------------- Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.
Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter... don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter!
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