CFNM/handjob story

J

jamie1987

Guest
Hey,

I wrote this a while back and I've finally got round to posting it here for feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/s/educating-jack

Two bits of feedback I got in the comments: (1) it's fast and short; (2) it uses British colloquialisms. So, uh, don't read it if you're particularly offended by either of those things, I guess!

Thanks!
 
I liked it!

Like you said, very short and to the point and that was what was nice about it. I could easily see a couple of college girls toying with a young guy like this.

The only thing I saw that was distracting was there was a sentence that was separated in the formatting. That and you used "an almost whisper". Almost is a bad habit it was or was not a whisper. I know what you wanted to convey, but its a bad habit.

Other than that great job! The UK dialogue not only did not bother me, but I enjoyed it. I watch a lot of CFNM videos and a lot are from the UK. For some reason I think the accent adds to it, sounds more controlling. I like the word "bum" too, makes me smile.
 
Hey Allie, thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I noticed the rogue line break but couldn't work out how to edit the story once it was up! Good point about use of "almost" too.

I like regional dialogue in stories too, whether it's US, UK, Aus or wherever!
 
Well, I was going to begin by criticizing the story but I have to say it raed a 3 (of 5) on y peter meter, which is damned good for such a short story. I good have used more description,e.g. not just that it was big but wat did it look like, pink, brown, long wrinkled foreskin, etc. A few problems with usage, but overall damned good.
 
I thought it was pretty hot. A great college freshman fantasy, and I'm a fan of cfnm scenarios. Short and to the point. Also, you show the characters very well despite the story being so short. I really got the impression of Jack being the new freshman not sure what to make of the situation, and of Becky who quickly lost control (and it looked like she was going to fuck him if Alex and Lucy hadn't interrupted).
 
(and it looked like she was going to fuck him if Alex and Lucy hadn't interrupted).

Interesting! My feeling is she finds Jack sexy but is too level-headed to actually do anything, unlike her two friends. Thanks for the feedback :)
 
Back
Top