First story, would appreciate feedback

Hi, this is my first ever story and I would really appreciate some feedback.
Here is the story.


https://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=1842555

Your story isn't available yet. It is awaiting moderator approval.

Sorry about that, it's available from today, would love to hear your opinion.

Hi Lizel.

The story certainly has lots of energy and immediacy. You capture the exuberant sexuality of young people quite well. It's a bit of a quickie, and some readers may appreciate that. It's a really good first effort, and I hope you go on to develop your writing.

This is my personal take; the criticisms are meant to be constructive.

I found it a little too immediate. There is very little interaction between the two characters other than some functional "I'm going to do you" stuff. Just a few other lines of flavour dialogue might have brought the scene alive.

"soft velvet of his dick" seemed like an odd choice. I figure maybe you mean the skin was soft or the overall sensation was one of softness, but "soft" and "dick" kind of didn't work for me here.

Without mercy and merciless. Perhaps vary the description a bit. In fact, give us some action that demonstrates the lack of mercy.

The line "we collapse next to each other, boneless" made me laugh out loud and I'm not sure that's what you were going for. The image of two post-coital jellyfish is just really funny.

"entered my ass effortlessly" I mean, this can happen, but usually you'd expect a bit of effort is required, especially as we are led to believe that she doesn't see her boyfriend very often. In my opinion, it makes for a better scene if there is some sense of additional friction or resistance, or at least a transition in sensation of some description, when moving from being vaginally to anally penetrated.

Overall, this is a good first draft. I'd work on polishing the language, checking for typos (there are several), and thinking of ways to bring the scene more alive with varied description and dialogue.

Good start!

There are a few small grammar issues:

"Your pussy and your sweet little ass are mine! ". > the exclamation mark inside the quotation is all you need to end the sentence. Drop the period.

"Just as u thought" > is this a typo or does it mean "you"? Either way, it's bad.

"Once I was in the edge" > "on" the edge?

Thanks

Thank you very much for the feedback. I appreciate it! It was exactly what I was looking for to help me develop in this field. I will take the criticism into account so that my next story is better.

Lizel said:

Hi, this is my first ever story and I would really appreciate some feedback.
Here is the story.


https://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=1842555

Click to expand...

One of the commenters said "slow down" and I think that is excellent advice.

You obviously had a good time writing it, but that's not enough. To be good you have to put the work into it. I suspect that you scarcely did any rewriting at all. It is presented to the reader pretty much as it flowed on to the page, isn't it?

Take a little more time. Consider your word choices. Take care with your grammar and punctuation. Paint a picture of the setting. She was standing on the corner waiting for him. What was on the corner? Was there a store, a restaurant? Was she leaning on a lamp post? Watching the cars go by? Was it warm, cold, rainy? Let us see real people in a world we can imagine ourselves living in.

He took her to bed. Was it dark, were the lights on, was the room illuminated by a single dim lamp? Moonlight through the window? Ooh, maybe a skylight?

You have given us a skeleton. I think you can give it flesh and blood and make it something alive.

Thanks a lot! Yes as I was reading it now I realized a lot of my mistakes. I'll definitely put more of an effort with the next one, carefully considering everything.

Lizel said:

Thanks a lot! Yes as I was reading it now I realized a lot of my mistakes. I'll definitely put more of an effort with the next one, carefully considering everything.

Click to expand...

I think a lot of new authors are so excited to be writing that they rush, and hit the submit button without going back and fine tuning their work. My first submission got rejected. It was full of typos, lousy grammar and bad punctuation. I almost said "fuck it", but I took the time to go through it with care, really think not just about things like punctuation errors, but whether or not I was conveying what I had to say as effectively as I could. Now it's the first chapter in a series that's been nominated for best of the year awards.

It's up to you whether you want to do the work. Good luck.

Whoa, what a whirlwind! Goodness me, I can feel your excitement, it's palpable...but, as Melissa says, slow down!

Capture the energy, sure, but give the reader something to hang on to, to remember you by. This is like being in a speeding car and there's a sign up ahead.

"What's the sign say, honey?"

"Something about anal. You're going too goddamn fast, I missed the rest."

The others have said it, typos, spelling, bits of grammar. Fix those up before you submit. I reckon you must have fallen out of bed, grabbed the phone, and tapped it out straight away .

Lizel said:

Hi, this is my first ever story and I would really appreciate some feedback.
Here is the story.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=1842555

Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing with us Lizel. While some readers might appreciate a quick sex scene, there's no story here. It's just a sex scene. I realize that your character has been getting aroused for days/weeks anticipating the arrival of her boyfriend, but remember the reader just started reading. The reader needs to build arousal as she reads in order to enjoy the sex scene just like in order to enjoy sex you need some foreplay or teasing or something (at least most people do).

I suggest some backstory...who are these people? Why are they apart? Perhaps share some of what they've been texting about while apart. What have the characters done to prepare for this long-hoped for reunion? If they've been "sexting" perhaps share some of that. Some dialogue would help us get to know them better and help us care about them. The arousal is in the build up, not the actual sex.

I would suggest running it by someone to edit it first next time too. There are some easily corrected grammatical mistakes (the first two sentences each have a comma problem and you refer to your bf as "her" in the second paragraph! and they go on from there).

Erica

Yeah, thanks so much guys. I'm actually already working on a new project that has a lot more back story and I am developing the characters more thoroughly. I really want to get into everything this time. Honestly, this was just the spur of the moment story, but as I see your comments I get even more pumped to do better next time.

Lizel said:

Yeah, thanks so much guys. I'm actually already working on a new project that has a lot more back story and I am developing the characters more thoroughly. I really want to get into everything this time. Honestly, this was just the spur of the moment story, but as I see your comments I get even more pumped to do better next time.

Click to expand...

Your characters won't seem real to readers if they are not real to you. I know things about my characters that will never directly relate to their stories. I know what kinds of books they read, their favorite movies, the music they like. I know what makes them happy and what makes them sad. The more I know them, the better I can tell their stories.

thewinedarksea said:

The line "we collapse next to each other, boneless" made me laugh out loud and I'm not sure that's what you were going for. The image of two post-coital jellyfish is just really funny.

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Hey, thewinedarksea, this phrase is in common use in literature I've read. It's meant to imply that you're so exhausted you can't move, or so full of pleasure that you're completely relaxed. Makes sense to me here, in this context.

MelissaBaby said:

Your characters won't seem real to readers if they are not real to you. I know things about my characters that will never directly relate to their stories. I know what kinds of books they read, their favorite movies, the music they like. I know what makes them happy and what makes them sad. The more I know them, the better I can tell their stories.

Click to expand...

Yes I get that, thanks. I was writing yesterday it seemed like the details put down on paper and the feelings I express have become so much, that I am little overwhelmed with everything.

Elaborating on the advice to slow down, I think (admittedly subjectively) your story would benefit by adding a story to it.
Currently, it's mainly a descriptipn of a sex act. You do that well, but to me it would work better if it was the culmination of a story arch, preferably with some conflict that makes the reader uncertain how it will end. It doesn't have to be very dramatic, just some story arch to tie the eroticism to.
And a minor critisism is the description of how he slips effortlessly into your ass without any extra lubrication. It's not how anal works in my experience.

But goid job on your first go. Please continue!

My thoughts are similar to those of previous commentators -- that the story needs more build up to the sex scene to make it more erotic -- but I have specific suggestions along those lines.

First, I'll just point out that I liked your writing. There's no question you write well enough to write good stories here. I caught a few things, like "cleft if her butt" rather than "cleft of her butt" but there weren't too many things like this -- not enough to mess up the story.

A good story typically requires dramatic conflict, which in the erotic story is usually resolved by sex. At the beginning of the story, there must be some conflict between the two characters. Each character is presented as wanting or needing something, and their needs create a potential conflict. Maybe, since they haven't seen each other in a week, she hasn't heard from him, and she wonders if he doesn't care anymore. Or, maybe, she isn't sure he's going to follow through on his promise to use the rope and tie her. You should make more of that. Perhaps at the beginning of their encounter, he's tentative, and she thinks he's going to go back on his promise, and they're just going to have vanilla sex. When, on the other hand, he brings the rope out, it's surprising, and it gives the story an element of erotic reversal. That's the sort of thing you need to turn a sex scene story into an erotic story.