Sex work series. My first story.

Hi. I am a new writer and this is my first attempt at erotica. I would very much appreciate feedback from any readers and from more experienced writers. I am also an experienced editor in my other work, and am happy to trade feedback and editing with other writers.

Dani in the City Pt. 01: https://www.literotica.com/s/dani-in-the-city-pt-01
Dani in the City Pt. 02: https://www.literotica.com/s/dani-in-the-city-pt-02
Dani in the City Pt. 03: https://www.literotica.com/s/dani-in-the-city-pt-03

The story is about a skilled and strong sex worker called Dani who has recently moved into a big city with a very varied sex work scene. I have put the story in "fetish" as this part has a focus on anilingus (did I do right?). It also features drug-use and mild themes of dominance.

Thank you very much for reading!



Notes: If you are interested, there are a few reasons why I chose this particular story to begin writing erotica.
1. It's because I am interested in sex work itself.
2. I feel like sex workers are often portrayed in a one-note fashion in a lot of fiction, either as expendable trash or as projects for someone to "fix".
3. I felt like a sex work serial story would allow me to write about lots of different scenarios without having to come up with very convoluted lead-ins — call me lazy!

The best setups are the ones that do the work for you. Don't worry about having an unoriginal premise, especially if you feel like you're doing an original take on an unoriginal premise.

I'm terrible at literary criticism, but I owe you so...

Nice and short, which usually succeeds on Literotica. Concise use of language- no cruft that I could see. Nice and tight Your descriptions also bring in all five senses like writers are supposed to do and most forget.

Kudos for writing in first person, present tense... an ambitious choice and all the rage right now in literary circles, though controversial. It's tough to do without getting overly descriptive of actions. I feel that's what's happening here: describing the character's actions and observations far more than their feelings and desires. To me, most first person present tense reads like stage directions or in erotica, the transcript of a phone sex chat.

Other minor quibbles: I couldn't tell the narrator until it was a woman until paragraph 7. An earlier clue would help. I think also that the first line would work better without "I have drifted into." For added opening oomph, you could even start right with the dialog and her surprise hearing from the client, then describe the setting after that.

Overall, a good start. Readable with a good style.

Overall, I thought it was quite well done. You have talent as a writer.

A few thoughts:

I think a bit more dialogue would liven things up.Particularly as you are writing in the present tense. Mike is a bit of a cypher. Allowing him to show more of his personality through dialogue would round him out as a character.

Speaking of which, I thought your characterization of Dani as a sex worker was good, but could have been stronger. Her attitude towards Mike wasn't much different than if she'd have been a waitress serving him supper. The relationship between sex workers and clients is more complicated than that. If she displayed more mixed feelings about him, at some points attracted to him, at others regarding him as a figure of pity, at others just as a mark to get as much money as possible from, her character would be much more complex and the dynamic between them more interesting.

The first person, present tense worked, for the most part. You handled it well. But I am willing to bet that as you go forward into more chapters, you are going to want to switch to past tense, which allows you a lot more flexibility.

Congratulations on your first submission, I'll look forward to more.

First time erotica story? Fuuck. That's visceral writing, describing the sex and her earthy body, the fuck. Real people.

I'm going to be watching you. You're good.

My only concern is the meth. This country is in the middle of a meth driven health crisis, especially in rural areas; it does not need to be glamorised. Speed kills, always has, always will.

I think writers have a responsibility to society in their material. Others will weigh in here about Nanny states and taking responsibility for one's own actions, but worth thinking about. If you write the upside (smouldering sex), you should also write the down side, which is ugly death. I'll step down from my soap box, we're all adults here, but some of your readers might not be.

electricblue66 said:

First time erotica story? Fuuck. That's visceral writing, describing the sex and her earthy body, the fuck. Real people.

I'm going to be watching you. You're good.

My only concern is the meth. This country is in the middle of a meth driven health crisis, especially in rural areas; it does not need to be glamorised. Speed kills, always has, always will.

I think writers have a responsibility to society in their material. Others will weigh in here about Nanny states and taking responsibility for one's own actions, but worth thinking about. If you write the upside (smouldering sex), you should also write the down side, which is ugly death. I'll step down from my soap box, we're all adults here, but some of your readers might not be.

Click to expand...

I got very little negative blowback (pun semi-intended) for my depiction of drug use, but the context was obviously "this shit will fuck up your life". Ironically, what I got were a lot of PMs and emails saying things like "I love stoner chicks" and "If you still like to fuck on blow, hit me up".

I am very grateful for the feedback. It is useful and really encouraging. Thank you for taking the time to read and write.

I agree that first person present tense is tough. I chose it consciously, but it is testing my ability already, and I am reading up on inventive ways to keep it fresh and also some ways to get around it in future chapters. But I am going to stick with it as the tense for this story. When first-person present works, it is my favourite style, so I guess I have to see whether I can make it work for me. Maybe I'll fail, but I figure I've made my bed!

On the drugs thing: I did feel some trepidation about depicting the upsides, but I justified it to myself in two ways: first, drugs can be a positive part of some people's sex life, at least at times, and I felt like I could depict this with some authenticity; second, a hangover is coming, and more trouble lies ahead — the overall arc of the story is not pro-drugs.

On the not-so-rounded portrayal of Dani as a sex worker. I'm guilty, but trying to improve. She began the scene quite calculating, but the drugs and a moment of sentimental weakness — which I presume can happen — took Dani a little off her guard. I'm not claiming I fully fix the deficiencies in my portrayal of a rounded, realistic sex worker, but this issue is redressed a little in the next part, which is already written and being edited. Depending on the publishing lag, I guess it'll be up in a week or so.

Thanks for your patience. I'm writing notes on all your feedback and I appreciate it so much.

MelissaBaby said:

Ironically, what I got were a lot of PMs and emails saying things like "I love stoner chicks" and "If you still like to fuck on blow, hit me up".

Click to expand...

I guess that's my worry. Meth is going through rural and trucker communities like wildfire here in Oz - scary, to think that the 80 ton B Double ahead of you in the highway is being driven by someone stoned out of their fragile mind at 100 kph.

But, sounds like the OP is thinking about it the right way, so that's good.

thewinedarksea said:

I am very grateful for the feedback. It is useful and really encouraging. Thank you for taking the time to read and write.

I agree that first person present tense is tough. I chose it consciously, but it is testing my ability already, and I am reading up on inventive ways to keep it fresh and also some ways to get around it in future chapters. But I am going to stick with it as the tense for this story. When first-person present works, it is my favourite style, so I guess I have to see whether I can make it work for me. Maybe I'll fail, but I figure I've made my bed!

On the drugs thing: I did feel some trepidation about depicting the upsides, but I justified it to myself in two ways: first, drugs can be a positive part of some people's sex life, at least at times, and I felt like I could depict this with some authenticity; second, a hangover is coming, and more trouble lies ahead — the overall arc of the story is not pro-drugs.

On the not-so-rounded portrayal of Dani as a sex worker. I'm guilty, but trying to improve. She began the scene quite calculating, but the drugs and a moment of sentimental weakness — which I presume can happen*— took Dani a little off her guard. I'm not claiming I fully fix the deficiencies in my portrayal of a rounded, realistic sex worker, but this issue is redressed a little in the next part, which is already written and being edited. Depending on the publishing lag, I guess it'll be up in a week or so.

Thanks for your patience. I'm writing notes on all your feedback and I appreciate it so much.

Click to expand...

One of the drawbacks of publishing a series chapter by chapter, rather than all at once, is that readers can get false impressions and make snap judgments without knowing your long term plans. Stay true to your vision.

I find this very promising.

Thank you all for the feedback. I really took it all on-board and poured your advice into the second part of the story, which has just been published. If you are interested in reading on and perhaps commenting on the development between pt. 1 and pt. 2, I would be grateful.

I have found myself caring much more about this character than I thought I would, and I give you kind folk credit for that.

https://www.literotica.com/s/dani-in-the-city-pt-02

My curiosity is piqued. I have bookmarked both chapters on my tablet and plan to get through them soon.

LaRascasse said:

My curiosity is piqued. I have bookmarked both chapters on my tablet and plan to get through them soon.

Click to expand...

Well worth the pique.

thewinedarksea said:

Thank you all for the feedback. I really took it all on board and poured your advice into the second part of the story, which has just been published. If you are interested in reading on and perhaps commenting on the development between pt. 1 and pt. 2, I would be grateful.

I have found myself caring much more about this character than I thought I would, and I give you kind folk credit for that.

https://www.literotica.com/s/dani-in-the-city-pt-02

Click to expand...

I think that when an author really cares about their characters, it shows. I liked your first chapter, and the second is better. I think that is, in part, because you can show us Dami better as you get to know her better yourself.

LaRascasse said:

My curiosity is piqued. I have bookmarked both chapters on my tablet and plan to get through them soon.

Click to expand...

I've read both chapters now. To start with there were a few grammar and spelling mishaps, but they were few and far between. They were certainly not bad enough to detract from the story.

Also, I have a minor grouse to using "meth" in a story, especially without a disclaimer. It just didn't fit that someone as in control of her life as Dani would agree to that. She wouldn't really be much of a hooker with meth face. I would have preferred a less extreme drug like marijuana. It would have suited the story just as well.

Apart from these two points, I liked what I read. I particularly liked the use of present tense giving the prose immediacy and urgency and the way you used all the senses while describing a scene. Not just the look, but also the sound, smell, touch that really elevated the sex scene and made it come better.

As a suggestion, I really want to know what Dani does on her downtime. I think devoting equal time to when she's not working as opposed to when she is preparing for a party/in a party would bring another layer and another level of nuance to her. A character is more interesting if they have more than one thing going on. So far, I know Dani is a high end escort, but what does she want? Is she writing a screenplay on the sly? Does she have hopes of permanently getting one of these rich tech guys? You mentioned her initial reluctance to take the meth... has she had bad experiences with drugs in the past? Has she had bad clients or bad pimps?

Basically, I'm saying I don't know as much about Dani and how she came to be where she is. Exposition is a tricky thing that can murder a story if dumped together, but maybe hint and tease at other parts of her personality and let her backstory grow organically through her interactions (eg - maybe when Mike opens the meth, the smell reminds her of her first pimp who paid her only in drugs).

Just suggestions, but maybe look into filling more of the characters out. Writing wise, the story reads well and flows well. The descriptions and the sensory cues are on point and enhance the sex scenes. The dialogue also comes across as natural and breezy. I like the characters, I only wish I knew more about them.

LaRascasse said:

Also, I have a minor grouse to using "meth" in a story, especially without a disclaimer. It just didn't fit that someone as in control of her life as Dani would agree to that. She wouldn't really be much of a hooker with meth face. I would have preferred a less extreme drug like marijuana. It would have suited the story just as well.

[…]

As a suggestion, I really want to know what Dani does on her downtime. I think devoting equal time to when she's not working as opposed to when she is preparing for a party/in a party would bring another layer and another level of nuance to her. A character is more interesting if they have more than one thing going on. So far, I know Dani is a high end escort, but what does she want? Is she writing a screenplay on the sly? Does she have hopes of permanently getting one of these rich tech guys? You mentioned her initial reluctance to take the meth... has she had bad experiences with drugs in the past? Has she had bad clients or bad pimps?

Click to expand...

Hi LaRascasse,

First of all, thank you for reading both stories and taking the time to comment. I appreciate your thoughtful comments. You are correct about the back-story. Part 3 goes there (submitting that one today or tomorrow), but I could have done more in the first two chapters, for sure.

It makes me feel great when readers appreciate the details I use. I spend a lot of time trying to make a scene feel as real as possible, and your comments here are very positive and encouraging to me. Thank you!

You are right about the typos and spelling issues. Generally, I write clean. I am not sure how they slipped through, but I have submitted an edit and am waiting for it to show up on the site.

I'm going to push back ever-so gently on the drugs details, as the topic is one I'm intimately familiar with, and that I take very seriously. I put "drug-fuelled fetish" in the story description, and "drugs" into the keywords. I hoped that would be enough of a heads-up. Perhaps I should have specifically put "meth" in the keywords? Would that have been better do you think?

There was a bit of exposition that establishes Dani's experience with drugs in a way that shows she has not taken Meth before:

"I did coke a few times back in college, but nowadays I pretty much stick to wine and the occasional pill. Some of the girls I worked with back in Modesto dipped in and out of that scene, and I saw enough to figure out it wasn’t for me. I am not used to putting anything in my nose, and this time it’s my turn to gasp as I snort the thick line of powder and my sinuses seem to ignite from the inside.”

My work means that I study research on drug use. Meth itself is a misunderstood drug. The stereotypical characteristics of a "meth-head" are not produced by the drug over a short period of time — generally, years of abuse paired with other forms of self-neglect are what get people into that state. Recreational use of methamphetamine is relatively common among some communities for sexual purposes. All drugs can be harmful, of course, but there are plenty of "normal" people out there who use various substances as part of their sex lives, and many of them avoid very serious side-effects.

In writing this story, I was doing my best to reflect a plausible truth about the way some people use drugs, although the overall story does depict the downsides as well, and this is not a consistent feature of Dani's behaviour. I hope the first chapter showed that it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, but in listening to your criticism, I have to admit that I might have failed to get that across.

Dani rides bikes and climbs. Those topics are mentioned only briefly in these chapters, but they become more central, as do other aspects of her private life, in subsequent chapters.

Thanks again for the feedback. It always spurs me to do better.

Impressive debut and follow up. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

On drugs, I want to make a case for you not pulling your punches. I thought your description of sex whilst stoned was the most original and exciting part of your first tale. It reminded me very much of my own, thankfully brief, youthful experiences with speed. You said you wanted to bring the reality of sex work to your readers. I say go for it, warts and all. Literature is best when it's honest.

It is, of course, only right to consider wider societal impacts of everything we do. But Dani is clearly an articulate character who ponders her actions. And let's be honest, who goes to a hooker for a debate on the rights and wrongs of the issue? Or to Literotica to pick up pointers on lifestyle choices for that matter? There is a place for a debate on drugs, and on this site it's the Eassays section. The only sexual practice which is outlawed here is (quite rightly) paedophilia. Yet there is no prescriptive insistence we include safe sex messages. Condom use is definitely optional and, off hand, I cannot recall a single story where a character had to deal with an STD (though I'm sure there are some).

I'm not trying to push you one way or another, just suggesting you follow your muse and tell it like it is. Good luck with your endeavours.

Touch_type said:

Impressive debut and follow up. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

On drugs, I want to make a case for you not pulling your punches. I thought your description of sex whilst stoned was the most original and exciting part of your first tale. It reminded me very much of my own, thankfully brief, youthful experiences with speed. You said you wanted to bring the reality of sex work to your readers. I say go for it, warts and all. Literature is best when it's honest.

It is, of course, only right to consider wider societal impacts of everything we do. But Dani is clearly an articulate character who ponders her actions. And let's be honest, who goes to a hooker for a debate on the rights and wrongs of the issue? Or to Literotica to pick up pointers on lifestyle choices for that matter? There is a place for a debate on drugs, and on this site it's the Eassays section. The only sexual practice which is outlawed here is (quite rightly) paedophilia. Yet there is no prescriptive insistence we include safe sex messages. Condom use is definitely optional and, off hand, I cannot recall a single story where a character had to deal with an STD (though I'm sure there are some).

I'm not trying to push you one way or another, just suggesting you follow your muse and tell it like it is. Good luck with your endeavours.

Click to expand...

Seconded.

Touch_type said:

Condom use is definitely optional and, off hand, I cannot recall a single story where a character had to deal with an STD (though I'm sure there are some)..

Click to expand...

Thanks Touch-type. Funny you should post this, as I just finished editing a story for another literotica author who does broach the topic of STDs in a really well-written romance story. I thought it was a brave idea, and the author handled it sensitively and in a way that did not torpedo the sexiness, which I expected it to. Kudos.

One area where I've abandoned realism is condom use, I must admit. As a concession to fantasy, they aren't mentioned in my story, even though Dani would certainly be using them in real life. I just don't find them sexy to write about, so I don't. I'm hoping people will suspend disbelief and, like me, prefer the stories without.

Originally, my plan was to not mention them, but write the sex scenes in such a way that they *could* be being used, but then I blew it by describing post-coital semen evacuation.

I might write about them in the future, but probably not in this series.

thewinedarksea said:

One area where I've abandoned realism is condom use, I must admit. As a concession to fantasy, they aren't mentioned in my story, even though Dani would certainly be using them in real life. I just don't find them sexy to write about, so I don't. I'm hoping people will suspend disbelief and, like me, prefer the stories without.

Click to expand...

I had some fun with the condom thing in the first chapter of Mary and Alvin.

They are about to have sex when they realize that neither of them has a condom. Mary asks him if he'd settle for a blowjob, and, of course he agrees.

But then Mary remembers...

Suddenly, Mary's mouth left his cock with an audible popping sound. "Oh!" she cried, jumping up from the bed. The bright light flashed on again, and she ducked into her closet, re-emerging seconds later with a cardboard box labelled "bedroom stuff".

She dropped the box on the bed, opened it and rumbled through. Alvin could smell scented candles. She pulled out a frilly purple thong. Smiling shyly at him, she said, "Might want this sometime," and flung it aside. Alvin watched her dig through the box. He discreetly ignored the sight of a vibrator and a tube of KY jelly. Mary looked up at him with a big smile and lifted a package of Trojans from the box.

"You didn't have to bring them all the way from California, you know. They sell them here."

"Yeah? Well then, maybe you should have had some."

They both laughed and Mary dropped the box to the floor while Alvin took a condom from the package.

"It smells like cinnamon," he said.

Mary leaned over and took it from him. She shook her head. "Nutmeg."

Click to expand...

I remember reading that part when I first read your series, MelissaBaby.

It works really well because you generate this playful kind of mood, and the condom details slide nicely in there (!). I like the way the condom disappears from the narrative for the sex that follows, but reappears afterwards, right near the end of the scene. Personally, I think that references to the nutmeg smell/flavor or the condom itself during the sex description would have pulled me out of it slightly. The way you do it, you keep it real without the speed-bumps, and still maintain the right balance of mood. Skilful.

That's the right way to do it, in my opinion.

thewinedarksea said:

I remember reading that part when I first read your series, MelissaBaby.

It works really well because you generate this playful kind of mood, and the condom details slide nicely in there (!). I like the way the condom disappears from the narrative for the sex that follows, but reappears afterwards, right near the end of the scene. Personally, I think that references to the nutmeg smell/flavor or the condom itself during the sex description would have pulled me out of it slightly. The way you do it, you keep it real without the speed-bumps, and still maintain the right balance of mood. Skilful.

That's the right way to do it, in my opinion.

Click to expand...

Thank you. I think that if you are going for realism and relatability, your characters are apt to do things like come too soon sometimes, get an occasional leg cramp, have to throw the dog off the bed and yes, fumble around with condoms now and then.

On the other hand, if your goal is pure sexual fantasy, you might as well skip past the normal practicalities.

Condoms can serve an extremely powerful purpose if done right. If you're writing a story where there is tenderness and affection between your characters, taking the time to use a condom and spelling out the emotional implications from the POV can be extremely effective as a means of conveying unspoken respect and care. It can be tempting to blow past and not every situation calls for it (Dani in the City wouldn't, in my book), but condom use should be a tool in the toolbox that authors can break out when the situation calls for it.

AwkwardMD said:

Condoms can serve an extremely powerful purpose if done right. If you're writing a story where there is tenderness and affection between your characters, taking the time to use a condom and spelling out the emotional implications from the POV can be extremely effective as a means of conveying unspoken respect and care. It can be tempting to blow past and not every situation calls for it (Dani in the City wouldn't, in my book), but condom use should be a tool in the toolbox that authors can break out when the situation calls for it.

Click to expand...

Agreed. Rather that see them as an inconvenience, why not incorporate them in an erotic manner? I tried that trick where you put it on him with your mouth. It didn't work, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't for a character. Or maybe I just need more practice.

thewinedarksea said:

Thanks Touch-type. Funny you should post this, as I just finished editing a story for another literotica author who does broach the topic of STDs in a really well-written romance story. I thought it was a brave idea, and the author handled it sensitively and in a way that did not torpedo the sexiness, which I expected it to. Kudos..

Click to expand...

Let us know when it's published. I'd be interested in reading it. I hope no one thinks I'm the condom-police. Almost all my characters use them, but mostly because they're all old enough not to do anything stupid. I tend to let them deal with the awkwardness in their own way, but now it's been mentioned I expect to have some fun with their cack-handedness in future tales.

One of my best nights ever was with an ex I hadn't seen for a decade or so. Neither of us had been prepared for intimacy when we met up and I knew she was not keen on giving blow jobs. She was tense when I started going down on her, but it was probably the longest - and certainly best appreciated - cunnilingual experience I've had. The irony is she did get pregnant later when we were using condoms.