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Need Advice For Husband

tenchikoi

tenchikoi

Really Experienced
Joined
Jan 15, 2008
Posts
341
I am 40/F and he is 42/M. How can I help my husband better learn how to tell me what he needs sexually? He's not a good communicator when it comes to this. He feels uncomfortable talking about sex things and I'm usually left trying to figure out when he wanted to begin with.I feel like I married a sexually stunted man and I hate that for him. I would love to just have sex with my husband and not have it devolve into me playing 20 questions trying to guess what he wants for me since he's unable to come out and say it. I'm so frustrated! But he's always been that way.
 
tenchikoi said:
I am 40/F and he is 42/M. How can I help my husband better learn how to tell me what he needs sexually? He's not a good communicator when it comes to this. He feels uncomfortable talking about sex things and I'm usually left trying to figure out when he wanted to begin with.I feel like I married a sexually stunted man and I hate that for him. I would love to just have sex with my husband and not have it devolve into me playing 20 questions trying to guess what he wants for me since he's unable to come out and say it. I'm so frustrated! But he's always been that way.
Click to expand...

Probably the best you can do is try two different things, like at the eye Dr. Which is better? This? Or... This?
 
My husband is not as bad as what you're dealing with, but he is shy about certain subjects. So years ago, I started sending suggestive emails to his anon account, so he didn't have to talk about things face-to-face. He would respond in differing ways, but it was good enough to provide me with a gauge. Then I started sending him short bits of porn. That worked way better. Whenever I got a "Wow!" I knew I had struck gold.

By the way, I ventured into sex acts I never would have thought he would be into. Some of it we have experimented with and some of it I'm never going to do. Be careful what you might find, you might not like it, but treat him with kindness. We can't help the way we feel.
 
Unfortunately we tend to live in a world where many still feel burdened in some way by traditional roles. Ideas about who we should be vs who we are in terms of our sexuality can be a tough topic to address.

All I can recommend is that you start the conversation by opening up about your own desires and put very little pressure on him to start. What we think is offering encouragement can sometimes be felt like pestering and judgement.

Lit can be a wonderful resource...if I were you, i’d go diving.

Good luck!
 
Is this the same guy you were grumbling about in 2012 when you described him as your boyfriend?

If you have had problems since then, I fear it's unlikely that you'll be able to fix things up now. :(
 
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If you have to ask then you don't know how to make love. You don't ask, you just do whatever gives him the most intense pleasure and at the same time, letting him know what gives you the most intense pleasure. It's called love making.
 
Maybe a fantasy for a fantasy? Tell him what you want, and then he can share what he wants.
 
Show him some stories

Look at the tags portal to Literotica Stories and find something you want to do with him...

PS: Set up an "alt" id here (use his information; does he have a pet nickname?) beforehand just in case 1) He wants to know what you're doing on Lit, or 2) Wants to find stories for you!
 
why would you need to play 20 questions every time? Don't you need to figure him out once?

Most men are pretty simple. If he likes something once - he likes it all the time. My best suggestion - just play "20 questions" a few time, figure out several things, and then mix and match them. You should figure some of it rather quick, no?
Also, don't let him be the only one talking about himself. Match him. Make it a discussion. Share what YOU like, your dirty secrets, hear his opinion and share yours. The more you have those talks - the easier it will be for him. Just don't make it a questioning at gunpoint.
You can even spread it out. Pick a topic and discuss it today. Discuss another thing tomorrow.

Also a lof of men are really woman-centered in sex. Meaning that their enjoyment comes the most through YOU, and the least through their own body. Sure, orgasm feels nice, but for me personally it's a negligeble feeling all the same. I enjoy the most watching my woman's reactions and playing with her body.
If you want a certain thing to improve - start with yourself. Lingerie, for example, even the simplest one makes a world of difference.
 
it may sound primitive, but my method is simple. I start acting like a little girl, telling a story that interests me, then I just pull it out with my whining. Trial and error! And when he gives up, and we get something, I'm playing a stormy passionate delight. And emotionally show my gratitude, even if the result was not satisfying me. It works. He's just instilling confidence that he gave me pleasure. And so, step by step. I don't know if you understand. Probably not. Sorry for the bad English.
 
Bind his hands at his side or behind his back, have him lie on his back and do whatever you want to him. Get him hard with your mouth? Hands? Tease him to a point near orgasm then hold off. Have him watch you while you masturbate to a point where you are dripping and swollen with desire. Sit on his hard cock and take a few strokes and then pull off and give him another taste of your combined juices. Switch around and suck him while your pussy is above his face. Eventually have him cum in your pussy and repeat the above.
 
How about naughty sex tickets he can cash in? Give it as a gift and see how he responds and maybe that can lead to some good conversation.
 
Yup

BertrandRussell said:
I disagree completely with this.
In my experience, the best communicators make the best lovers.
Click to expand...

Fact. I have discussions about sex with my wife outside the bedroom when we're not in the moment and we're less likely to be ashamed or embarrassed by something. We communicate well and we're confident and comfortable with each other because we talked things out early in our relationship, well before we were married.

Communicating and listening are what make for the best sex.
 
I'm Curious

The last time you two played twenty questions, what did he ask for?
 
Try getting high and watching porn together.

On the Porn try different things and avoid movie titles that end in a crazy high number like Natural GILF Creampie 87.
 
I’ve had the same issue but reversed, my wife is extremely reserved and is embarrassed by sex and anything related to it in general and very shy. Most of it came from being raised strict catholic and a family where it was taboo to discuss as well as some less than stellar sexual experiences until we met. It’s taken 8 years and working on talking, trying little things and getting her in the mood to just talk and have a philosophical discussion on sex and her likes and dislikes and fantasies in general. Over time it made a big difference but it has taken this long to come this far. Gentle pressure, lots of assurance, no judgment whatsoever, and just listening has been what it’s taken to get here. She is still challenged and troubled by it but huge strides have been made. Keep at it but don’t expect immediate results and don’t push too hard too fast.

- Irish
 
When we first married, both of us were a bit shy talking about what we wanted, but we found a book "The Joy of Sex," and each of us marked things we liked. I'm sure there are better books available now, so you might try that.
 
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