Humor Thread

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A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!" So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."
 
A man's talking to his friend and he says, "I'm about to go on vacation, and I don't know what to do." His buddy asks, "Why?" And the man says, "Well, last year's vacation was Hawaii. Came back, and the wife was pregnant. The year before that was the Bahamas. Came back, the wife was pregnant. The year before that, Paris. Came back, wife pregnant. His buddy asks, "So what are you going to do differently this year?" And the guy says, "Well, this year I'm going to bring the wife."
 
Thank you, phantom4533 - Saucyminx - Handley_Page - and trysail, on your recent posts to the Humor Thread. Always appreciated.
With Respect
DG Hear:D
 
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale,

Were tattooed the prices of ale.

And on her behind,

for the sake of the blind,

Was the same information in Braille
 
This woman goes in for a face-lift, and the doctor says, "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it." She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years. But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains. The surgeon replies, "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts." "Ah," she sighs, "that explains the goatee."
 
A man sits alone on the couch with his soon-to-be mother-in-law and the family dog. The man is so nervous that his stomach begins to hurt and — "Pfft!"— he accidentally lets out a little gas. He's horrified until the mother-in-law yells, "Rocco!" And the man thinks, She thinks it's the dog! So he lets another one rip, and the mother-in-law yells, "Rocco!" again. Feeling confident now, the man lets out a really loud, big, fat, wet one — "PFFFFFFT!" And she yells, "Rocco! Come here before that pervert shits on you, too!"
 
A Scotsman in traditional garb walks into a bar. A few hours later, he stumbles into the street and passes out. While he's unconscious, two tourist girls walk up to him. They want to check and see if the rumor about Scotsmen and their kilts is true, so they lift up his skirt and see that he's naked underneath. One of the girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his johnson before they run away laughing. When the Scotsman awakens, he looks down and sees the blue ribbon. "I don't know where you've been or what you've done," he says to his johnson, "but I'm sure glad you won first prize."
 
A policewoman pulls over a drunk driver and asks him to step out of the car.

She says, "Anything you say can and will be used against you."

The driver replies, "Breasts."
 
The CIA is interviewing three potential agents — two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."

"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.

The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't."

Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow. "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 
A man wakes up one morning with a hangover. Going downstairs, he says to his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool of myself at the company party last night. Remind me what I did."

"You got in an argument with your boss."

"Well, piss on him," says the man.

"You did. He fired you," replies his wife.

"Well, screw him!" the man screams.

"I did," says his wife. "You're back to work on Monday."
 
Betty and Billy are married. While Billy's at work, Betty goes to the tattoo parlor to get a tattoo of their initials on her butt — a B on one cheek and a B on the other. When Billy comes home from work, Betty bends over to show him. And he says, "Who's Bob?"
 
Three Italian nuns go to heaven, and God says, "You've been so amazing, I'm going to send you back as anyone you want." Nun No. 1 says, "I want to go back as Brigitte Bardot." God says, "Granted," and sends her back to earth. Nun No. 2 says, "I want to go back as Gina Lollobrigida." And God says, "Have a great time," and sends her back down. The third nun says, "I want to go back as Sahara Pip-a-leeni!" And God says, "Who's that?" And she pulls out a newspaper that reads, "Sahara Pipeline Line Laid by 230 Men."
 
An old farmer and his wife are lying in bed. He leans over one night, touches her breast, and says, "If this thing could still give milk, we could get rid of the cow." She reaches over and grabs his member. "And if this thing could still get hard," she says, "we could get rid of the dog."
 
A wife is upset that her husband won't give her sex and threatens, "If you don't do me, I'm going to go sell it on the street!"

Her husband laughs and says, "Go ahead!"

The next morning, she stumbles back home looking much worse for the wear, but the husband tries to laugh it away. "How much did you make?"

"Ten dollars and twenty-five cents."

Roaring with laughter, the husband asks, "Who gave you the twenty-five cents?"

The woman smiles. "They all did."
 
Wally sat down in the bar with his drink, and put his Nokia 3310 on the table in front of him.

His friend immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to the Nokia.

"Why don't you get a better phone, pal?" he asked.

"I don't need one." Wally replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

The friend burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 4G, WiFi, the iMessaging service, a best-in-class browser, eight megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customization, plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

"I don't want your phone." Wally said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

Casually, Wally knocked his Nokia off the table.
 
Sent to me by a friend. It's awesome and I want to share it with the Humor thread readers.
DG

Brain melt: This is London 2012.......3 tricks


Okay, How Did he Do them???


Watch the whole thing, there are three "tricks"

click here: 3 Tricks

http://www.safeshare.tv/w/gdhRWNSrls
 
Of course, we all know the tricks were set up and involved more than just Steve Frayne. The Amazing Randi still hasn't had anyone claim the $!,000,000 for a trick he can't duplicate. Randi knows more than I do, I confess, but there are still somethings I can see.

For example, walking on water is an old one and has even been used in tv ads. Did you notice his feet weren't on the top of the water, but a few cms into it? Yes, he's walking on a pre-installed platform. Oh, you say, what about the kayakers? As I said, he doesn't do these things alone. The kayakers were shills, making the feat with his feet look real. kayaks have very shallow drafts, and, if you pay attention, you can note that they don't paddle as they pass behind him. One actually begins a stroke, and you can see the blade stop at just about the same depth as Frayne's shoes are in the water.

The passing through from in to out I haven't figured out yet, but wasn't it convenient that there was a disinterested man in a large overcoat nearby, and on a day when everybody else is in shirtsleeves or light jackets? I'll get back to us on this one.

The phone? Yes, slight of hand is slight of hand, and if legerdemainists weren't quick with their hands, they'd never make any money. Again, you can be sure the two men with the phones were accomplices; what do you think you're reaction would be if that happened to your phone? Particularly the guy who called the phone. They didn't really seem to be friends, and yet he had the number to call. And he wasn't particularly upset over his own phone disappearing. They seemed more interested in drawing attention to the "amazingness" of the trick than what to do about their phones.
 
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you the day that I got married?"
 
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension
 
Of course, we all know the tricks were set up and involved more than just Steve Frayne. The Amazing Randi still hasn't had anyone claim the $!,000,000 for a trick he can't duplicate. Randi knows more than I do, I confess, but there are still somethings I can see.

The passing through from in to out I haven't figured out yet, ... I'll get back to us on this one.

The phone? Yes, slight of hand is slight of hand, and if legerdemainists weren't quick with their hands, they'd never make any money.

>sigh< You sound like one more person who has lost their sense of wonder. I used to be a professional magician and I started each show with the same invitation: "Come with me into a land of wonder. A world where anything can happen and often does. A place where most of all you need to watch, because you never know when something was suddenly isn't." And at those last words, my cane would vanish. (Technically, transform into silks, but same dif.)

If someone was left wondering "How does he do that?" instead of enjoying the thrill of "Look what he's doing!" then I failed as an entertainer. Steve Frayne brought a moment of wonder to several hundred people that day and that's the magic.

One more little quibble: sleight of hand is seldom about being fast, it's more about being good. The hand is NEVER quicker than the eye.

Now, since this IS the humor thread - two cartoons I wish I still had:

The first was in Hustler showed a bored looking magcian's assistant bent over. The magician, in full tuxedo with tails, is standing with his prick dangling, announcing, "And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I will make my penis disappear."

Second showed a surprise looking woman standing next to the bed. She's still dressed, but holding open her pants and looking down. Sitting on the bed, with a dejected look on his face, a magician dressed in full evening wear. At the foot of the bed was suitcase labeled "Mysterio the Great." The capture is the woman speaking, "I can understand that you have a problem with premature ejaculation, I just want to know how the hell you did it in my pants!"
 
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. . . . a surprised looking woman standing next to the bed. She's still dressed, but holding open her pants and looking down. Sitting on the bed, with a dejected look on his face, a magician dressed in full evening wear.
At the foot of the bed was suitcase labeled "Mysterio the Great."
The capture is the woman speaking, "I can understand that you have a problem with premature ejaculation, I just want to know you the hell you did it in my pants!"


love it
 
"Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted. I was keeping the umbrella.
 
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