Sex once this year

For me it would be: 'No sex in 6 years.'

NextDoorSecret said:

The dr actually rescheduled his appt, so I couldn't be mad about that. (I know he actually did because I took the call from the dr office) .

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Have you gotten the results back yet?

Any updates? Though I'm hopeful, I think you would have posted if there was any progress; aka, intimacy or sex.

NextDoorSecret said:

Sometimes he's more attentive for a day or two. I really had to stop and think. Occasionally he'll bring home my favorite ice cream or a treat he knows I might not buy myself, but there's not really any change. He never follows through even if he agrees in the moment to try something.
I think that was why I finally feel like I'm out of patience. I realize and know that that isn't going to change.
He loves me in his own way. We live very much like roommates much of the time. There is the kiss goodnight but it's a touch of lips in passing and more out of habit than desire I think.

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Wow. This describes my marriage to a T. Of course it is my wife playing your husbands role. I haven't had sex in just over a year, and only 3 times the year before that. I understand your frustration completely. I also have a high sex drive and she no longer has one at all. i think the roommate comment is what stuck me as I have thought of my relationship that way for quite a few years. Unfortunately, I have also tried numerous ways to get this to change. Talking, counseling, romantic gestures, bringing up times from our past when we could not keep our hands off each other, etc. Nothing has worked.

I guess I also find it a bit surprising at how many women are going through this. As a man I find it near unbearable to go through this, so I cannot understand a man who would do that to his wife.

NextDoorSecret said:

We've had sex once this year, 14 months actually. 3 times the previous year.
How do I accept that this is my life now, or do I not just accept it?
I'm starved for touch, for real companionship and yet loyalty, history and love keep me here.
I've tried everything under the sun. I'm out of ideas.
Maybe someone else has some?

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I've had sex zero times in 28 1/2 years. *shrugs* You win some, you lose some. Make the best out of your situation.

headnhand said:

I also have a high sex drive and she no longer has one at all.

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That is the one that causes so many problems later in life. It sucks, but when people are dating, this should be one of the biggest reasons to end that relationship. Mix matched sex drives just don't work, and the problem becomes exponential with age.

As we age and lose energy and grow tired, those with low sex drives lose sex early. They just don't have the desire, it isn't something they care about. When they are with someone who has a high sex drive, it causes these unhappy relationships. They really can't be fixed long term. Sure you can pump then with medicine for a temporary solution, but the fact is they just don't care about sex as much.

Only four real options here for the person still desiring sex, with a partner who doesn't care about it.

Just accept no more sex, which is what a lot do, and leads to very unhappy lives.

There is infidelity, which is what most people do in the world. Admitted infidelity rates are all at or over 50% in developed countries. This comes with consequences, such as having to live a secret part of your life, with the potential to hurt your partner and end the relationship.

Have a non-monogamous relationship, where you stay together, but meet your needs with others. Growing in popularity, will most likely become the majority type of relationship in the decades coming.

End the relationship and attempt to find another. It is sad, it is heartbreak, but the mental health of yourself should come first.

I recommend one of the last two. Just accepting it is very bad for your personal well being, and I am not a fan of infidelity. I say ask for an open relationship or leave the person.

Here you are a year later. Time moves along, doesn't it? Even though we stay stuck.

Years ago, when I was single (in my 40's), I was super judgey about people in your situation. My answer was just leave. Part of the judgement came from being single and having a lot of married men who wanted to "date." I wasn't interested in a 9-5 "dating situation" where I had to "host" (I hate that word).

Now, many years later, I know it just isn't as easy as just leaving. I'm in a similar situation, Secret, but for different reasons. My husband is really sick. We haven't had sex in over 2 years; this includes holding hands, intimate kissing, hugging... he's confined to a wheelchair now and just can't.

So let's say we're in the same boat even though our reasons for being here are different. You have 20 years of history, kids, extended family. And I've heard this from lots of other married folks. They have a good relationship other than the sex. Your life is tangled up with each other. You don't "just leave" without a million repercussions, a million decisions that affect not just you and your husband.

I admire your willingness to consider an open relationship. About a year ago, I brought it up to my husband and it fell flat. Well, I wanted a three-some. I'm not really interested in more than a two-some but I really want sex. I thought if he could watch or somehow be a part of it, he'd go for it. But I totally understood why he didn't want to. He didn't ask for this.

As much as I miss intimacy, the whole idea of trying to find someone to be intimate with is daunting. I don't want to cheat but man, I want to get fucked! I want to be loyal to the husband but I also want to hold hands with someone and feel safe in someone's arms, even for just a night.

That being said - meeting someone at a Starbucks in order to see if we want to fuck feels awful. I can't make that leap.

I will say online monkey business has (sort of) filled the gap. Or filled something. I don't view it as cheating. That could just be semantics in order to make myself feel better.

Good luck with your decision, NDS. It's a tough place to be. We all deserve passion and intimacy. It's unfair when the rules get changed so late in the game, especially with no explanation.

I do hope that this time, next year, we're posting something happier.

Find a kind considerate lover and be careful