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Old 09-15-2017, 06:32 AM   #1
lickerwell
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Question Meeting the Domme, Dom, or sub of Your Dreams

So, I've discovered over the years that it's not easy to find that kinky partner of your dreams. Every person has different likes or dislikes and of course their own lives get in the way too. So my question to all of you is what is the most difficult part of meeting that Domme, Dom, or sub of your dreams? Is it going up and introducing yourself, getting past the veil of online anonymity, finding a partner with your likes, getting the nerve up to attend a munch, or maybe even getting past your own stereotypes that might make up your preference. Whatever it is, what's the hardest part about getting out there to fulfill your own fantasies?
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Old 09-17-2017, 03:05 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lickerwell View Post
Whatever it is, what's the hardest part about getting out there to fulfill your own fantasies?
I've talked with several people that have the same "problem(s)" I do...overcoming the fear of rejection and/or deciding to face and defeat the sometimes overwhelming task of the search itself.

It's time consuming. It takes dedication and perseverance. Knowing that there's only one that'll be the perfect fit and not knowing how long it'll take to find them or where to start looking to find them...it's a huge task. In or out of this lifestyle, finding the lifelong partner isn't easy.
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Old 09-17-2017, 03:35 PM   #3
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We just fell into it, not expecting it at all.
Very lucky.
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Old 09-17-2017, 04:00 PM   #4
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I guess we have to keep trying. Everytime you try it someone it is a new experience and we have to learn from that. It takes incredible patience and I think some are just lucky.
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Old 09-18-2017, 01:23 AM   #5
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Well for me

I find a majority of Dom men to be married to partners who they can't be a Dom with, so they seek out sites like this to play or have a fantasy with subs. Actually, I find that even on the BDSM dating sites it's like that too. It's really frustrating, I think a lot of us come to this later in life, after we have lived a little and discovered our true selves. I really do think I am ready to give up and join the vanilla world or just stay out of relationships all together because after 10 years of searching I am still alone. It's just not working for me anymore, so I need to concentrate on things like careers and other avenue of happiness. It's hard to admit, but . . . I don't think I will find "Him" anymore.
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Old 09-18-2017, 02:40 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Melancholy_Baby View Post
I find a majority of Dom men to be married to partners who they can't be a Dom with, so they seek out sites like this to play or have a fantasy with subs. Actually, I find that even on the BDSM dating sites it's like that too. It's really frustrating, I think a lot of us come to this later in life, after we have lived a little and discovered our true selves. I really do think I am ready to give up and join the vanilla world or just stay out of relationships all together because after 10 years of searching I am still alone. It's just not working for me anymore, so I need to concentrate on things like careers and other avenue of happiness. It's hard to admit, but . . . I don't think I will find "Him" anymore.
Well I wouldn't give up but I think you hit the nail on the head. We mostly come later in life to this realization, which means we're are balancing full lives while trying to fulfill our needs. It makes it hard but if it's what you are looking for, keep trying......
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Old 09-18-2017, 11:47 AM   #7
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I think it's more rewarding to work on being the Yourself of your dreams.

You'll find better partners, and even if you don't, there's still a huge benefit.
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Old 09-18-2017, 01:43 PM   #8
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Finding the right partner that you click with is very hard to find. Finding that someone special that is looking to be cared for and shown the ways of a serious relationship. There has to be some kind of spark or it just doesn't work.
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Old 09-18-2017, 04:53 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melancholy_Baby View Post
I find a majority of Dom men to be married to partners who they can't be a Dom with, so they seek out sites like this to play or have a fantasy with subs. Actually, I find that even on the BDSM dating sites it's like that too. It's really frustrating, I think a lot of us come to this later in life, after we have lived a little and discovered our true selves. I really do think I am ready to give up and join the vanilla world or just stay out of relationships all together because after 10 years of searching I am still alone. It's just not working for me anymore, so I need to concentrate on things like careers and other avenue of happiness. It's hard to admit, but . . . I don't think I will find "Him" anymore.
I gave up.
Then there was this music thread. And Lemmy from Motörhead had just died, and in our darkest mourning of him, we found each other!

Stay away from the married guys. Unless you are married, too.
The 9-5 no weekends thing is really tiresome if you want the real deal.
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Old 09-18-2017, 05:57 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melancholy_Baby View Post
I find a majority of Dom men to be married to partners who they can't be a Dom with, so they seek out sites like this to play or have a fantasy with subs. Actually, I find that even on the BDSM dating sites it's like that too. It's really frustrating, I think a lot of us come to this later in life, after we have lived a little and discovered our true selves. I really do think I am ready to give up and join the vanilla world or just stay out of relationships all together because after 10 years of searching I am still alone. It's just not working for me anymore, so I need to concentrate on things like careers and other avenue of happiness. It's hard to admit, but . . . I don't think I will find "Him" anymore.
I keep running into the same thing with the submissives that I'm finding and, as you said, it's the same on other sites as well.

I've given up and joined the vanilla world in the past out of frustration. I came back without even realizing it as this life is who I am. While I don't have the career to focus on(I have to re-learn how to navigate this world due to a recent visual disability), I can't walk away from who and what I am although, like you, I'm thinking that finding that "her" may not happen.

Quote:
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Stay away from the married guys. Unless you are married, too.
The 9-5 no weekends thing is really tiresome if you want the real deal.
I wholeheartedly agree with this. I need the real deal. I'm also happy that you happened upon the One for you, Farawyn. That does give me a little hope that I'll find "her" eventually.
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Old 09-18-2017, 11:24 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melancholy_Baby View Post
I find a majority of Dom men to be married to partners who they can't be a Dom with, so they seek out sites like this to play or have a fantasy with subs. Actually, I find that even on the BDSM dating sites it's like that too. It's really frustrating, I think a lot of us come to this later in life, after we have lived a little and discovered our true selves. I really do think I am ready to give up and join the vanilla world or just stay out of relationships all together because after 10 years of searching I am still alone. It's just not working for me anymore, so I need to concentrate on things like careers and other avenue of happiness. It's hard to admit, but . . . I don't think I will find "Him" anymore.

I met my husband on another kink site. I actually met a bunch of really good guys among the not so good. I was stood up a lot. I met a lot of those married guys, too. At least we'd pick a good restaurant to have a drink so I could enjoy the place if I didn't enjoy the guy!! I remember a couple times going home in tears. But I really wanted a D/s relationship. I figured I would just keep plodding away.

I started out my "ad" in a pretty vanilla way -- I was clear that i wanted a relationship. That didn't stop the fakes but after a while, I could weed those out just by reading their messages. But I didn't lead with all my kinky interests. I figured I'd save that for later.

Eventually, it worked!! I agree with others that you need to treat it like you're NOT meeting the Dom, or "Him" or the One. You're just meeting a guy. Let your values, your interest, lead the way.

I spent far too much time thinking I'd met the Dom of my dreams because I let my pussy lead the way. I had several 2 - 3 month relationships I thought were IT. I even registered at the Slave Registry with one guy because, of course I was a slave after 2 months of intense kinky fuckery!!! I realized a month later I didn't really like the guy.

Keep at it. Have fun. Enjoy a little kink along the way, even if it doesn't work out. And good luck.

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Old 09-20-2017, 12:08 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lickerwell View Post
So, I've discovered over the years that it's not easy to find that kinky partner of your dreams. Every person has different likes or dislikes and of course their own lives get in the way too. So my question to all of you is what is the most difficult part of meeting that Domme, Dom, or sub of your dreams? Is it going up and introducing yourself, getting past the veil of online anonymity, finding a partner with your likes, getting the nerve up to attend a munch, or maybe even getting past your own stereotypes that might make up your preference. Whatever it is, what's the hardest part about getting out there to fulfill your own fantasies?
The most difficult part of meeting the partner of your dreams is when you finally find them and the attraction is not mutual.
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Old 09-20-2017, 08:17 PM   #13
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I've not found meeting kinky partners much more difficult than meeting vanilla ones. There is an extra dimension of sexual compatibility to take into account, but if anything most kink sites make that easier by allowing people to self-define themselves and the dynamic they're looking for.
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Old 09-22-2017, 07:56 AM   #14
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I think meeting the person of you dreams is difficult if you have standards whether it be a Dom or vanilla. I was in a marriage to the wrong guy for 13 years, and have been single for 7 years as I have set my standards higher, I would rather be single and happy than with the wrong Dom for me xx
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Old 09-22-2017, 08:01 AM   #15
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I met my husband on another kink site. I actually met a bunch of really good guys among the not so good. I was stood up a lot. I met a lot of those married guys, too. At least we'd pick a good restaurant to have a drink so I could enjoy the place if I didn't enjoy the guy!! I remember a couple times going home in tears. But I really wanted a D/s relationship. I figured I would just keep plodding away.

I started out my "ad" in a pretty vanilla way -- I was clear that i wanted a relationship. That didn't stop the fakes but after a while, I could weed those out just by reading their messages. But I didn't lead with all my kinky interests. I figured I'd save that for later.

Eventually, it worked!! I agree with others that you need to treat it like you're NOT meeting the Dom, or "Him" or the One. You're just meeting a guy. Let your values, your interest, lead the way.

I spent far too much time thinking I'd met the Dom of my dreams because I let my pussy lead the way. I had several 2 - 3 month relationships I thought were IT. I even registered at the Slave Registry with one guy because, of course I was a slave after 2 months of intense kinky fuckery!!! I realized a month later I didn't really like the guy.

Keep at it. Have fun. Enjoy a little kink along the way, even if it doesn't work out. And good luck.

Yep, this.
When I met my in-charge guy, he pretty expressly said that wasn't the sort of thing he was interested in. I wasn't really looking for that specifically, so I was like 'sweet as ... you're an awesome guy so let's go!'.
Turns out he was a bit more interested than he realised.
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Old 09-22-2017, 03:31 PM   #16
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Do you think that women, as a whole, have it easier than men?
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Old 09-22-2017, 05:15 PM   #17
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Do you think that women, as a whole, have it easier than men?
I think the difficulty in finding compatible partners is necessarily unrelated to somebody's gender, isn't it? I would expect to find discrepancies in the demographics of what people are actually attracted to, not their gender.
(e.g. it's probably harder for somebody like us to find their soulmate on average than the general pop' simply because there's a larger sea of fish for them to pick from.)

I'd expect it to be equally as difficult for men and women as far as can be accurately quantified. But I'm no scientist.

Any local statisticians, feel free to chip in!
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Old 09-22-2017, 07:08 PM   #18
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I think the difficulty in finding compatible partners is necessarily unrelated to somebody's gender, isn't it? I would expect to find discrepancies in the demographics of what people are actually attracted to, not their gender.
(e.g. it's probably harder for somebody like us to find their soulmate on average than the general pop' simply because there's a larger sea of fish for them to pick from.)

I'd expect it to be equally as difficult for men and women as far as can be accurately quantified. But I'm no scientist.

Any local statisticians, feel free to chip in!
I think about this a bit ... the guys in here often say it's 'easier' for the women because we tend to get PMed more. But that's assuming that every PMer is a viable option ... and I think most of us know that's not the case.
I would say, as I think you are Blue, the chances of finding your 'true love' are directly proportional to how fussy/specific you are. However, I don't if that necessarily means it's more difficult ... being specific means you have a much narrower field to work with. I've been in situations where you're just sorting through utterly and absolute random approaches based on nothing other than (assumed) gender ... it's really hard work.
I probably have a slightly wider field than anyone looking for an 'actual' dom/sub, because I'm not really that specific ... although I narrow the field in other ways which, as Cookie notes, has much the same effect in the end.
All paths lead to Rome, or there's more than one way to skin a cat, or something.

The only thing I know for sure is that the harder you look, the less likely it seems you'll find the 'one'. I met my husband when I'd literally sworn off relationships for the rest of my life ...
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Old 09-22-2017, 07:54 PM   #19
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Do you think that women, as a whole, have it easier than men?
Can you please define "easier" and "it"?
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Old 09-22-2017, 09:05 PM   #20
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Can you please define "easier" and "it"?
Do women have less issues finding someone than men do? Or the other way around?
*curtsies slightly*
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Old 09-22-2017, 11:43 PM   #21
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Do women have less issues finding someone than men do? Or the other way around?
*curtsies slightly*
It seems to me that there are more men out there than women involved in this kink. But I’d suggest that despite the greater volume, they struggle just as much to find that mate.
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Old 09-23-2017, 12:02 AM   #22
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It seems to me that there are more men out there than women involved in this kink. But I’d suggest that despite the greater volume, they struggle just as much to find that mate.
My suspicion (and it's just a suspicion) is that the women are more inclined to be 'serious' about it. In my experience, a fair number of the guys who call themselves 'dom' are just using that as a means of saying 'I'm a lazy arse who doesn't like women very much'.
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Old 09-23-2017, 03:47 AM   #23
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I find a majority of Dom men to be married to partners who they can't be a Dom with, so they seek out sites like this to play or have a fantasy with subs. Actually, I find that even on the BDSM dating sites it's like that too. It's really frustrating, I think a lot of us come to this later in life, after we have lived a little and discovered our true selves. I really do think I am ready to give up and join the vanilla world or just stay out of relationships all together because after 10 years of searching I am still alone. It's just not working for me anymore, so I need to concentrate on things like careers and other avenue of happiness. It's hard to admit, but . . . I don't think I will find "Him" anymore.

You certainly have the choice to join the vanilla world and settle for less, but it will be worse than your worst nightmare if you cave in. The unreleased sexual energy will consume your being and the fight you will need to put on everyday to make your vanilla relationship work will consume anything you have left. Strive to live your dreams in the only life you have. Hope of finding that Dom and having a dream life some day will make life more livable than the death of your being caught up in a vanilla relationship. I wish someone had told me that when I gave up and caved into the vanilla world.
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Old 09-23-2017, 03:56 AM   #24
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I met my husband on another kink site. I actually met a bunch of really good guys among the not so good. I was stood up a lot. I met a lot of those married guys, too. At least we'd pick a good restaurant to have a drink so I could enjoy the place if I didn't enjoy the guy!! I remember a couple times going home in tears. But I really wanted a D/s relationship. I figured I would just keep plodding away.

I started out my "ad" in a pretty vanilla way -- I was clear that i wanted a relationship. That didn't stop the fakes but after a while, I could weed those out just by reading their messages. But I didn't lead with all my kinky interests. I figured I'd save that for later.

Eventually, it worked!! I agree with others that you need to treat it like you're NOT meeting the Dom, or "Him" or the One. You're just meeting a guy. Let your values, your interest, lead the way.

I spent far too much time thinking I'd met the Dom of my dreams because I let my pussy lead the way. I had several 2 - 3 month relationships I thought were IT. I even registered at the Slave Registry with one guy because, of course I was a slave after 2 months of intense kinky fuckery!!! I realized a month later I didn't really like the guy.

Keep at it. Have fun. Enjoy a little kink along the way, even if it doesn't work out. And good luck.

Actually, I think this is the best general dating advice I've ever seen (except for the kink bit, which probably isn't entirely transferable). I think people get so caught up with finding the 'one' that they forget the looking can be fun in itself. You get to meet new people, and even if they're not the 'one', or even someone you want to see again, there's usually something interesting from every encounter, even if just a funny story while you're drinking wine with your BFF.
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Old 09-23-2017, 09:03 AM   #25
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I want to drink wine with Kim.
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