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Old 08-29-2017, 08:45 PM   #1
KoolDaddy
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New to this -- suggestions?

My wife and I are just starting to realize our fetish of a Dom/Sub relationship. We are very early and it started with rough sex. Then she wanted to be tied. Now she admitted she wants to feel like it's being forced. It turns her on. I like it also (not as much as her) but I'm having trouble with new ideas. We have kids that live at home and only get a few chances to br crazy together (and usually less than one hour). We were trying to think of things we could do to play up the fantasy a few timees per month. She suggested I "take her" in the woods somewhere. That is perfect and I will do that but what are some other easy scenarios that people have tried? We're both professionals in a pretty small town so we have to be careful in public. And I think we've done most everything in the bedroom but maybe not -- which is why I'm asking. I'd love to hear suggestions -- even if we don't use it, it could lead to another thought. Oh, and we don't want other people in (yet).
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Old 08-29-2017, 08:50 PM   #2
KoolDaddy
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Dom/Sub

Forgot to mention... some scenarios that I (the learning Dom) can do to help my wife (my loyal but learning sub) feel more comfortable. Right now, she lets me do most whatever I want and is very obedient in bed. But I haven't really pushed her to hard past a little anal play, deep throat, blindfold, teasing. I thought about nipple clamps and hot wax but I wonder if she will really like it. But, I don't want to scare her off too early. Suggestions for "steps" we could take would be awesome.

Of course, I realize there's more to this than sex and I wouldn't mind hearing some of what I can do outside the bedroom also.
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Old 08-29-2017, 08:50 PM   #3
Farawyn
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I don't know if rough sex is always necessarily D/s. I'm submissive and I like rough sex, but I knew I liked it rough way before I realized I was submissive.
Not that anything needs a title, but you can continue to explore the rougher side without D/s.

What do you both like?
What will you both never want to do?
What made you gravitate towards this?

I really don't have answers. Everyone is different. Keep talking. Keep listening.
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Old 08-29-2017, 08:59 PM   #4
KoolDaddy
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We just had that discussion recently but it didn't come out to much. She has a pretty vanilla background and isn't sure what she really likes "until I do it" she says. We do have our limits. We don't like pee or poo play. We don't want to add a 3rd or more yet.

Do subs generally like when the Dom goes back and forth between tough and tender? My wife said she doesn't like when I kiss her when we're playing rough because it makes it feel too intimate. I never thought about that but she's right so I purposefully avoid kissing when we get rough but I do like to take it down and get very intimate for a bit. Then I usually take it back up again. I don't really know if this is a good or bad thing for a Dom. So far it works but...
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Old 08-29-2017, 09:11 PM   #5
Farawyn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KoolDaddy View Post
We just had that discussion recently but it didn't come out to much. She has a pretty vanilla background and isn't sure what she really likes "until I do it" she says. We do have our limits. We don't like pee or poo play. We don't want to add a 3rd or more yet.

Do subs generally like when the Dom goes back and forth between tough and tender? My wife said she doesn't like when I kiss her when we're playing rough because it makes it feel too intimate. I never thought about that but she's right so I purposefully avoid kissing when we get rough but I do like to take it down and get very intimate for a bit. Then I usually take it back up again. I don't really know if this is a good or bad thing for a Dom. So far it works but...
I don't know. Each sub, each dynamic is different.
I like kissing all the time. Rough can be intimate, too. Kissing can be a tender lip brush or a violent suck bite.

You also mentioned vanilla. I love it. Lots of people use vanilla for boring, but vanilla to me is just another form of loving. Deep and sweet.
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Old 08-29-2017, 09:57 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Farawyn View Post
Kissing can be a tender lip brush or a violent suck bite.
As Farawyn states, a kiss can be done in many different way...and some not so gentle. Such as when you have hold of her hair at the back of her head and "take" her mouth with yours. Force a kiss on her, so to speak. It may change her mind about kissing during rougher play.
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Old 08-29-2017, 10:17 PM   #7
Farawyn
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It is also my experience, both in my life and through friendships and observation, that the best Doms are tender when they want to be, need to be. Just like any man. Or woman, if you are talking about a Domme.
Tender isn't weak.
She just may like rough sex and no kissing.
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Old 08-29-2017, 10:26 PM   #8
barefootgirl69
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Communication is the best thing, and it looks like you have a handle on that. Setting boundaries is good, but they may change over time.
It's harder to give advice about other aspects, other than maybe surprising her when she's home alone, not expecting a "date" with you.

Just keep communicating and growing together.
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Old 09-01-2017, 11:16 PM   #9
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My two cents: It's not about 'things' you can do. I suppose there's a master BDSM checklist somewhere (I've seen some pretty mammoth ones, but nothing I'd consider complete) with big categories and very specific elements, but doing those things may or may not have anything to do with dominance and submission. A plain vanilla old fashioned marriage is more D/s than a lot of really kinky relationships.
It's about you being in charge, being confident, moving her from where she is to where you want her to be. You're in a good position to do that because she is open to moving. But what you need more than a list of activities at this point is an understanding of what you want, and of some fairly basic human psychology. Then pay attention to her when you do anything at all, or nothing at all, all day, every day, so that you understand how her mind works, and how what you do affects her. Kink, no kink, it doesn't matter. Be in control. Of yourself, of her, of the situation. There are a million different ways to do this, and you need to find the approaches that resonate for you, and work for her.
I'm not talking about tying her up all day or bossing her around all the time or anything remotely like that. I'm talking about stepping up to the position of leadership that she is, apparently, quite willing for you to assume.
If what the two of you want is really just kink, never mind what what I've been saying. But if what you want is dominance and submission, the dynamic has to be authentic, and you have to be willing to take some risks and shoulder a lot of responsibility.
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Old 09-02-2017, 12:00 AM   #10
barefootgirl69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DrDelirium View Post
My two cents: It's not about 'things' you can do. I suppose there's a master BDSM checklist somewhere (I've seen some pretty mammoth ones, but nothing I'd consider complete) with big categories and very specific elements, but doing those things may or may not have anything to do with dominance and submission. A plain vanilla old fashioned marriage is more D/s than a lot of really kinky relationships.
It's about you being in charge, being confident, moving her from where she is to where you want her to be. You're in a good position to do that because she is open to moving. But what you need more than a list of activities at this point is an understanding of what you want, and of some fairly basic human psychology. Then pay attention to her when you do anything at all, or nothing at all, all day, every day, so that you understand how her mind works, and how what you do affects her. Kink, no kink, it doesn't matter. Be in control. Of yourself, of her, of the situation. There are a million different ways to do this, and you need to find the approaches that resonate for you, and work for her.
I'm not talking about tying her up all day or bossing her around all the time or anything remotely like that. I'm talking about stepping up to the position of leadership that she is, apparently, quite willing for you to assume.
If what the two of you want is really just kink, never mind what what I've been saying. But if what you want is dominance and submission, the dynamic has to be authentic, and you have to be willing to take some risks and shoulder a lot of responsibility.
Well said!
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Old 09-02-2017, 12:04 AM   #11
KimGordon67
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I think about this a bit, trying to make sense of my relationship, which I tend to characterise more has having a power/control dynamic, rather than being d/s (and it's only in relation to sex, not in any other aspect of our lives, try as he might. ). Like Far, I like rough sex - you comment about kissing is interesting, because a really big part of that play for us is him forcing my mouth open so he can kiss me. But I like giving up control more 'voluntarily' too. With my in-charge guy, the specifics of what's happening, while important, almost matter less than the way we're able to get into each other's heads - there's a very specific connection that comes about because the trust involved that I'd find difficult to get any other ways - there are other types of connections that come from other things, so it's not that this is better, just different. Sometimes it's the smallest things - I've posted elsewhere about a game we play sometimes where I have to be still, completely still, while he plays with me. He's not doing anything rough or painful, but he knows he's close to making me cum, and he knows that me not being able to move is torture.
And as BFG said, boundaries can change. So it's good to check in every now and then.
Another thing that's been quite useful for us is me scouring a few of the image threads on here, and sending him pictures that I particularly like. I'm getting inspiration, and communicating stuff to him in a way that's fun for both of us.

Other advice that's often given in these threads is to not rush. You have all the time in the world, and it's so much more fun if you take it slow and savour each new discovery, really explore pushing the boundaries, rather than do it all at once. We've been together two years, and we still haven't found our limits, which is good, as I suspect we might start getting bored otherwise.
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