1st story post, feedback requested

Hi there, I just posted my first story on lit and would like to see what you think.
www.literotica.com/s/hot-fantasies-steamy-reality

A submissive woman reaches out to explore a fantasy with her man. I enjoyed writing it and hope others enjoy reading. Thanks all.

Enjoyed it quite a bit. Too bad it wasn't from the master's perspective!

The narrator wasn't very submissive, but I really liked her enthusiasm. I love when the person taking the submissive role in stories is -active-, asking for things, actively seeking attention.

As for critiques: the story was very floaty. One moment we were in a restaurant, and then on a bed (I think) and then on a couch, but I couldn't quite get a solid visual. On top of that, we changed scenes without much in the way of transitions, so it felt almost too fast-paced. Spend a little more time describing your settings; it will go a long way.

Short and sweet, nice little in the moment story.

The problem I found with it though wasn't so much that I felt that the submissive was asking so much more as she was ordering. In particular it was the point where she tells him to come to her as she wants to suck his cock. I think it would have done better if in the scene she begged for him to let her suck him as often it's seen more as a reward.

I liked it for the reasons a couple of others had issue with.

Not every sub spends all day crawling on their stomach begging for everything.

The fact you did not post this in BDSm gets you off the hook for it, but in general....

God forbid a woman have an active role in anything around here unless its the romance section

Good job, liked that it wasn't all "Oh, god please sir" that's enough in itself to grab attention.

I do agree that The segues from one scene to another need to be firmed up.

I dislike it because it reminds me of the old Elvis gospel, I BELIEVE.

I got the distinct impression the story was written by a man. The dom is awfully submissive, surrendering to the slave's desire at every request.

Thanks all

I appreciate the input, by nature I am a submissive and I tried to write from my female perspective. I guess this was my answer to the many times he asked me to step from my shell and explore some instead of shrinking away and waiting to be commanded. I guess should have worded my summary a little differently.
Looking back on the story I agree with the critiques given and can use those tips toward my next story. Thanks everybody

gg

Lovely idea. I find you very arousing. I would enjoy chatting

the submissive woman reaches out..... yes, a delicious and wonderfully steamy story... I might have suggestions too......

I'll mirror what a few others are saying in that I think the man wasn't very dominant. There were times where the narrator asked him to do things, and he complied. I think with a bit more dominance on his part, the story could be even hotter. The descriptions were very sexy and well-written.

And gah, I just can't get into first person present tense in erotic lit. It makes it feel like the narrator is too focused on "talking" to the reader to even be part of the sex. If that makes sense. XD