the marks of a slave

eastern sun said:

You are very, very kind.

(To the readers - Velvet and I had the opportunity to meet each other when she came to NYC. I am equally impressed by the thoughtfulness and dedication she brings to this experience. I can't even begin to think of what my own experience would be like if I had embraced it formally at a much earlier stage in my life.
Velvet has also helped me privately during periods when I didn't really want to share what was going on, but needed the insight of someone with a similar perspective. She is truly a generous woman.)

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Awww....

intothewoods said:

This is totally my freaking future.

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I'd give you advice, but, for the first time in my life, I'm far enough outside the gaming loop to know bupkis about the current D&D system. In a perverse way, I'm proud of that fact.

Homburg said:

I'd give you advice, but, for the first time in my life, I'm far enough outside the gaming loop to know bupkis about the current D&D system. In a perverse way, I'm proud of that fact.

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I hear you. We still play 2nd edition, when we get the chance.

Wolfspet said:

I hear you. We still play 2nd edition, when we get the chance.

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From what my son tells me, version 4 is not an improvement on verson 3.5. Apparently, they're "dumbing down" the variables to make it easier to play.

eastern sun said:

From what my son tells me, version 4 is not an improvement on verson 3.5. Apparently, they're "dumbing down" the variables to make it easier to play.

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Having recently wandered into a rather long, involved, and in-depth conversation on 4th ed (which, odlly enough, had me thinking about this thread), that does sound unfortunately to be the case. Yay for old books. I can still play the versions I like and not worry about the new version.

So there's an irony to the "slave"'s position. Once the desire to be a "slave" is expressed and satisfied, all other desires are irrelevant. True?

But I haven't stopped having desires. Desires that aren't satisfied by him.

eastern sun said:

So there's an irony to the "slave"'s position. Once the desire to be a "slave" is expressed and satisfied, all other desires are irrelevant. True?

But I haven't stopped having desires. Desires that aren't satisfied by him.

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Are the desires irrelevant? Or are they as relevant as ever, but you choose to put the fate of those desires in his hands?

It sounds like some of the things he's asked me to give up, or promise to give up when he thinks the time is right. My desires are still there, but I want to be with this man. I have committed to it. And so I commit to agree to his rules.

Today he asked "so what are you going to do?" And I should have answered the truth right away, which is "I don't know."

But it concerned an area where I have a lot of difficulty taking responsibility for both my own desires and his. So I got aggressive. I started naming the options I had, clearly thinking none of them was workable. And my voice was hard.

But I was problem-solving.

And he, displeased with my response, grew defensive and even accusatory.

And I, discouraged by his response, reasoned us into complete nonsense where no firm ground existed any more, as we tried to stand on a morass of unsatisfactory solutions and dissatisfied grumblings.

Only after we both were miserable, did I realize the bullshit I was serving up. And admitted the true answer to his original question - "I don't know."

Immediately he softened, and said "well, that we can work with." And I couldn't figure out why it took me so long to say it.

He said I react sometimes like a caged animal.

Sometimes I envy you your cage. I, also, have put my fate -- my hopes and desires and yearnings -- into someone else's hands. Now I have to accept that it is my owner's option to do or not do. I have other interests, too, and I don't consider myself inordinately needy.

She knows that she can do anything she wishes with me or to me. That includes asking for my most tender dreams and hopes -- things that she can fulfill -- and choosing to pursue other interests instead. She can play with the PlayStation just as easily as she can engage with me, for months at at time, if that is her choice.

And sometimes that really hurts.

Wolfspet said:

Sometimes I envy you your cage. I, also, have put my fate -- my hopes and desires and yearnings -- into someone else's hands. Now I have to accept that it is my owner's option to do or not do. I have other interests, too, and I don't consider myself inordinately needy.

She knows that she can do anything she wishes with me or to me. That includes asking for my most tender dreams and hopes -- things that she can fulfill -- and choosing to pursue other interests instead. She can play with the PlayStation just as easily as she can engage with me, for months at at time, if that is her choice.

And sometimes that really hurts.

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I've spent many years building this cage.

Sometimes I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
Sometimes I think "be careful what you ask for."

eastern sun said:

Sometimes I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
Sometimes I think "be careful what you ask for."

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This is the essence of the experience of Consensual Slavery.

In light of recent events, I've realized something. It may be hard to be a slave--or a pet, whatever--, but it's harder not to be.

I am failing. I was set a task and I have not done it. I try to tell myself, "I'm trying!," but it's not true. Or, if it is true, I have failed.

For days my failure has hung between us like a dark cloud, casting its painful, disappointing shadow on all our interactions.

I have upped my commitment to absolutely everything else he has ever asked of me, but it is irrelevant in the face of this one thing.

My failure has many causes. Fear. Unwillingness. Misunderstanding. Self-absorption. Distrust. Self-protection. Distraction and preoccupation. In the end, simply stated - "I haven't done it."

I may succeed in time. I may not.

But what's interesting to notice are the myriad number of ways I react to this situation. The ways I try to protect myself from that dark shadow.

First, avoidance.
Second, casting blame elsewhere.
Third, wallowing in the feeling of failure.

Last night, I realized I have to take action. I will probably be clumsy, awkward, ineffectual, even blind; all the things I really don't want to be. . .

But I don't want to live in this shadow. And the only way out is movement.

the shadow has passed. the sun is shining.

thank god the yardstick we use to measure our success is so tangible

(maybe that's why I love this role - there's no mistaking the efficacy of my actions.
I can confuse myself as to the nature of my desires, or his, or the reasons for our choices,
but I can't mistake when something is working or it isn't.)

I spoke too soon. Life just isn't that easy.

For the first time in my life, I feel truly owned.

For the first time in my life, I think I'm able to confront who I am head-on without the need to sift through all the various personality traits to pick and choose which ones I like and either toss aside or cover up the others.

Through some sort of weird dominant ESP, he's always known that I have never been able to face the reality of myself and adjusted his own behavior accordingly. I've been realizing that while I wouldn't say it's causing problems between us, it has been leaving me feeling unfulfilled, and I'm certain he was feeling the same way. So I told him that I wanted him to stop censoring himself for my sake.

I've always believed that I'm a strong person. Or at least, maybe, strong in that way that glass cookware is. Relatively tough and can withstand most things, but if there's ever a crack in the surface, the whole damn thing falls to pieces. Admittedly, that wasn't the most poetic analogy ever, but let's just go with it, ok?

The kid gloves came off. It took 15 minutes for me break. Fifteen minutes. Jesus. That's embarrassing for someone who prides herself on being strong to admit.

"I honestly thought it would take longer," he said.

"I told you it wouldn't," I whispered, my voice a mere shadow.

"Are you really that fragile?" he asked, stroking my cheek.

"Where you're concerned."

While I realize that sounds like a bad porn story, that was pretty much how it went. What ensued was about 14 hours of painplay, sex, and various acts of service on my part. I have always prided myself on knowing that I could walk away anytime I wanted, even if it killed me, but he forced me to see that I don't even have that amount of control anymore. Oh, it's not like he'd force me to stay if I didn't want to. It's just....I don't know. I doubt I could leave even if he ordered me to.

Slave, pet, little girl, it doesn't really matter. I am any and all combinations of the three.

He says it's like having a pet puma, like my user title says. I'm solitary, usually. I sort of watch things quietly from the sidelines and don't participate, but I'm not submissive. I'm just not aggressive unless I'm cornered. It's just that all that goes out the window with him. Like, when he was doing something painful, I forget what now, he saw that it was making me angry. He uncuffed my hands, told me to stop him if I thought I could. I'd have punched anyone else in the nose. With him, I bowed my head, kept my hands by my sides, and took it.

Part of me hates it. Part of me resents that I am the way I am. I never wanted to be this way. I'm having one hell of a time accepting it. Being a painslut is one thing. Big deal. It's the total lack of self-preservation around him that I don't understand, the desire to do anything just for his attention and his happiness. It seems fucked up to me. Part of me wants to be normal, whatever that is.

But on the other hand, I've had a lot of sex and played with a lot of people in my time, more than most 25-year-olds have, at least the ones I know. I've immensely enjoyed myself. But part of me has always felt unhappy, unsatisfied, unfulfilled, and deeply heartsick. The relationship with Master is complicated, as all my relationships always are, and I'm still coming to grips with all these things I've never wanted to face. In spite of everything, I can't deny the inner peace I have with him. I think that contentedness is the only thing I've ever felt that's been real, that can't be argued with.

He had me tied and was torturing me. I couldn't take anymore. I don't have a safeword, but I was begging him to stop. He kept pushing, and I was close to passing out. I don't think I've ever been in so much pain. I cried and begged to no avail. He took my face in his hands and stroked my cheeks.

"You'll take this for me, won't you? You'll suffer for your Master because that's what I want, isn't it, my pet?"

I loved him more in that moment than I've ever loved anyone before in my life. It didn't stop the tears or the pain, but I knew he was right. It was horrible, awful, but I'd have taken ten times more if he'd wanted. So he kept going. And I kept crying. But I didn't beg him to stop anymore because I knew he wanted to see me suffer.

I could go on and on, but I hate to keep filling up a good thread with my various existential crises. Thank you for starting this one, Eastern Sun. It's given me lots of food for thought and has helped me in a roundabout way to stop denying who and what I am.

I still have a long way to go and a short time to get there, a la Smoky and the Bandit, but I'm working on it. For the first time in my life, I feel really alive. I think once I stop wrestling with the demons and feeling like I'm super fucked up, it'll make the whole journey much, much easier.

BiBunny said:

For the first time in my life, I feel truly owned.

*snip*

I still have a long way to go and a short time to get there, a la Smoky and the Bandit, but I'm working on it. For the first time in my life, I feel really alive. I think once I stop wrestling with the demons and feeling like I'm super fucked up, it'll make the whole journey much, much easier.

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This realisation has been a long time coming, eh? Glad to see you get there.

Homburg said:

This realisation has been a long time coming, eh? Glad to see you get there.

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Thank you. You helped, too, kind Sir.

BiBunny said:

Thank you. You helped, too, kind Sir.

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Just want to see you happy *hugs*

to surrender.

it's an action. and it's almost always preceded by resistance or fear.

it's a feeling. and it's often euphoric and completely empty.

it's an attitude. and it needs to be renewed in every single moment before the fear and resistance find headway again.

I think sometimes of war-time surrenders - unable to continue the fight, utterly defeated - liberated from the conflict, but only at peace if you can accept the next moment and the next and the next and the next. Moments in which the only thing you control is your reaction to events, and maybe not even that.

I think sometimes of parental surrenders - when you finally realize that this kid is going to live it's life or die on its own, with or without an understanding of a word you were saying. When again the only thing you control is your reaction to events, and maybe not even that.

I think sometimes of spiritual surrenders - standing naked in the face of the truth, which like water always finds a way to seep through any crack, which like a weed lives and grows in even the most inhospitable ground. When the only thing you can be certain of is the undeniable reality of the moment you are in.

when fear loses it's burning center, and begins to feel like a tender broken heart. . . and the only thing you can do is keep loving, I think (maybe) you're on the right track

BiBunny said:

I think once I stop wrestling with the demons and feeling like I'm super fucked up, it'll make the whole journey much, much easier.

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I think, maybe, wrestling with the demons is part of the journey. It's the feeling like you're super fucked up that has to go.

***************************
A good friend of mine is in an abusive D/s relationship.

When the external circumstances are hard to interpret, (I mean, some of these relationships could look abusive to a casual observer ) I think the best measure of whether you're in a good place or not is how you feel about yourself.

My friend is using her relationship to avoid the conflicts in her inner world. Full of confusion as to what she really wants, she uses the violence to release her tension, and his demands to give her direction. Her focus is entirely external. And the more she betrays herself, by failing to see and act on her own truths, the worst she feels, because even the success of pleasing him doesn't make her feel better when he's not around.

I think we are all blessed with a tangle of internal conflicts that it is our job to unravel in this short life. And I choose to believe that at the center of that tangle, there is such limitless wisdom and joy that the effort is worthwhile. As I loosen the internal knots that bind me I am able to release just a bit of the radiant light that is always there.

And, ironically, the external knots help the process.

eastern sun said:

Today he asked "so what are you going to do?" And I should have answered the truth right away, which is "I don't know."

But it concerned an area where I have a lot of difficulty taking responsibility for both my own desires and his. So I got aggressive. I started naming the options I had, clearly thinking none of them was workable. And my voice was hard.

But I was problem-solving.

And he, displeased with my response, grew defensive and even accusatory.

And I, discouraged by his response, reasoned us into complete nonsense where no firm ground existed any more, as we tried to stand on a morass of unsatisfactory solutions and dissatisfied grumblings.

Only after we both were miserable, did I realize the bullshit I was serving up. And admitted the true answer to his original question - "I don't know."

Immediately he softened, and said "well, that we can work with." And I couldn't figure out why it took me so long to say it.

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Boy does this ever sound familiar.

eastern sun said:

I think sometimes of war-time surrenders - unable to continue the fight, utterly defeated - liberated from the conflict, but only at peace if you can accept the next moment and the next and the next and the next. Moments in which the only thing you control is your reaction to events, and maybe not even that.

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This sounds very like where I am right now. I am used to my owner and myself walking in step. We are remarkably well-suited to each other; sometimes it seems like there's telepathy happening. People ask us if we're twins, even though we don't look very similar.

Right now we are in very different places. I am owned. I can choose to be unhappy and in conflict with her, I can choose to lose my self and alter myself for her, or I can surrender and live moment to moment and see what happens.

The first is displeasing to her and stressful to me. The second is usually my solution, but I've begun to feel that I'm doing myself a disservice if I keep making myself just go with whatever she wants. (You see, we're hung on an issue that's very important to me right now.)

So I chose to surrender. I don't know how to say it, but it's different from altering myself to match her wishes. It feels more like waiting. And it's terribly lonely. I'm so lonely.

But it is wonderful in its own way too, just to accept.

Eastern Sun.

Why so little sex talk on this thread?

You are so fucking hot...