Is this poetry [serious]

Hi poets. I'm not one of you, and I'm comfortable with that. On a good day, I'm an author, and that's it.

I wrote some text to accompany a piece of erotic art recently. I had to keep it brief but emotive, so as not to overshadow the image by its sheer volume.

What I was trying to do was a textual version of the picture. i.e. not tell a story, just describe a moment.

My effort is here: https://www.literotica.com/i/kiss-me-like-that
The art is by Literotica's NextDoorSecret.

Now don't tease me for being an idiot, but I thought my paragraphs and sentences were starting to morph into verses and lines, so I actually did an edit and converted it to verses and lines.

The thing is, I like it better now.

I have no idea whether it's poetry or not, regardless whether it's good or bad. Serious question. Can you tell me?

Here's the edited version: (be gentle) Hit the link above to look at the image first.

Jenna's Choice

So hot!
Throbbing music,
All rhythm and no melody,
Pounding through me,
So hard that my fingers tingle.

Noise, flashing lights.
Hot, dancing bodies fill the dance floor,
Grinding together into a single organism,
Sleek and lithe and feline.

A club with no men: Jenna’s choice.
The vacation together; that was mine.
Barbados: Jenna. The Sapphire Hotel: me.

I chose the spa, facials,
And braids in our hair.
Brazillians for two? Our outfits?
I could never.
They were Jenna’s choice as well.
Wet, faux leather short-shorts,
And outerware bras,
Hers with breathtaking panels,
Cut into the side-swells.

It’s Jenna’s choice next.
I know what she wants, now.
Maybe I always have.

I’m ready! I’m yours!
I could scream the words, but she wouldn’t hear.
There’s safety in the dance
But I can’t bear to be safe any longer.

Our senses overload.
Sight, smell, sound,
All are meaningless,
Inside the writhing beast.
There is only touch. Jenna’s touch.
A hip, an elbow, the points of her breasts brush across my back.

I lift my braids to cool my neck,
And Jenna’s finger slides beneath my bra strap.
It’s your turn; your choice, Jenna.
God help me,
Choose while the answer is still yes.

I am so not a poet, however I believe that the marriage of the text and the picture really works. This could be tightened up a bit with some pruning and line break adjustments. But it is highly evocative and sexy as hell. It's a prose poem which is pretty much all I write. You may be selling yourself short poetically speaking maybe if you chose poetry lol.

Do you mind if I show you some possible edits? Know that I ain't here often these days so it might not be for a week or two.

I am also not a poet so i'll chime in too, before the real poets show up.
Is it poetry? Sure, why not
But i struggled a bit with all the punctuation and short sentences stacked. Kept me from finding a poetic flow.
As if the prose writer in you couldn't let your poetic wandering go free.
But overall i liked it. It held my attention and drew me in.
But like i said, i'm no poet.

I'm certainly not a poet.

And apparently there are no poets here.

I tend to do the reverse; write something and then scour the four corners of the Internets for the perfect photo(s) to complement it.

Anyhoo ..... this is good stuff.

It's targeted or on target, meaning it doesn't meander into irrelevance or filler.

You have a couple of rhymes in there. Intentional or not, who cares. You didn't force everything to rhyme. May I suggest just a few more?

I chose the spa, facials, -> I chose the spa, facial,

They were Jenna’s choice as well.

Cut into the side-swells. -> Cut into each side-swell.

Lose some of that punctuation, mainly the periods. They ain't necessary.

You are off to a great start.

todski28 said:

I am so not a poet, however I believe that the marriage of the text and the picture really works. This could be tightened up a bit with some pruning and line break adjustments.
...
Do you mind if I show you some possible edits? Know that I ain't here often these days so it might not be for a week or two.

Click to expand...

Thank you, that's very kind.
Go for it.

Magnetron said:

Anyhoo ..... this is good stuff.

It's targeted or on target, meaning it doesn't meander into irrelevance or filler.

You have a couple of rhymes in there. Intentional or not, who cares. You didn't force everything to rhyme. May I suggest just a few more?

I chose the spa, facials, -> I chose the spa, facial,

They were Jenna’s choice as well.

Cut into the side-swells. -> Cut into each side-swell.

Lose some of that punctuation, mainly the periods. They ain't necessary.

You are off to a great start.

Click to expand...

Thank you too. Good advice. I appreciate it

And thanks to other responders for the nice comments, too. I read it back and can scarcely believe I wrote it.

Now I wonder whether I can write one deliberately.

blin18 said:

Hi poets. I'm not one of you, and I'm comfortable with that. On a good day, I'm an author, and that's it.

I wrote some text to accompany a piece of erotic art recently. I had to keep it brief but emotive, so as not to overshadow the image by its sheer volume.

What I was trying to do was a textual version of the picture. i.e. not tell a story, just describe a moment.

My effort is here: https://www.literotica.com/i/kiss-me-like-that
The art is by Literotica's NextDoorSecret.

Now don't tease me for being an idiot, but I thought my paragraphs and sentences were starting to morph into verses and lines, so I actually did an edit and converted it to verses and lines.

The thing is, I like it better now.

I have no idea whether it's poetry or not, regardless whether it's good or bad. Serious question. Can you tell me?

Here's the edited version: (be gentle) Hit the link above to look at the image first.

Jenna's Choice

So hot!
Throbbing music,
All rhythm and no melody,
Pounding through me,
So hard that my fingers tingle.

Noise, flashing lights.
Hot, dancing bodies fill the dance floor,
Grinding together into a single organism,
Sleek and lithe and feline.

A club with no men: Jenna’s choice.
The vacation together; that was mine.
Barbados: Jenna. The Sapphire Hotel: me.

I chose the spa, facials,
And braids in our hair.
Brazillians for two? Our outfits?
I could never.
They were Jenna’s choice as well.
Wet, faux leather short-shorts,
And outerware bras,
Hers with breathtaking panels,
Cut into the side-swells.

It’s Jenna’s choice next.
I know what she wants, now.
Maybe I always have.

I’m ready! I’m yours!
I could scream the words, but she wouldn’t hear.
There’s safety in the dance
But I can’t bear to be safe any longer.

Our senses overload.
Sight, smell, sound,
All are meaningless,
Inside the writhing beast.
There is only touch. Jenna’s touch.
A hip, an elbow, the points of her breasts brush across my back.

I lift my braids to cool my neck,
And Jenna’s finger slides beneath my bra strap.
It’s your turn; your choice, Jenna.
God help me,
Choose while the answer is still yes.

Click to expand...

this throbbing music
pounds so hard that my fingers tingle

lights flash
dancing bodies fill the dance floor,
Grinding together
a single organism,

Sleek

lithe

feline.

A club with no men: Jenna’s choice.
The vacation together; that was mine.
Barbados: Jenna.
The Sapphire Hotel: me.

I chose the spa, facials,
braids in our hair.
Brazillians for two? Our outfits?
I could never.
They were Jenna.

Wet, faux leather short-shorts,
outerware bras,
Hers with breathtaking panels,
Cut into the side-swells.

It’s Jenna’s choice next.

I know what she wants
maybe I always have

I’m ready
I’m yours
I could scream but she wouldn’t hear
There’s safety in the dance
But I can’t bear to be safe any longer.

Sight,
smell,
sound,
all meaningless

There is only touch.
Jenna’s touch.
A hip,
an elbow,
the points of her breasts brush my back.

I lift my braids to cool my neck,
Jenna’s finger slides beneath my bra strap.
It’s your turn;
your choice Jenna.

God help me,
Choose while the answer is still yes.

@todski, its possible you think I'm cleverer than I really am.

I see your edits. I see it's different. But I haven't learned anything. Remember, I don't even know what poetry is. Is yours better or worse? I have no way of knowing, which is what brought me here.

Is it purely subjective? Or are there solid stylistic reasons behind those changes.

blin18 said:

@todski, its possible you think I'm cleverer than I really am.

I see your edits. I see it's different. But I haven't learned anything. Remember, I don't even know what poetry is. Is yours better or worse? I have no way of knowing, which is what brought me here.

Is it purely subjective? Or are there solid stylistic reasons behind those changes.

Click to expand...

I was going to send you a pm nut you don't accept them explaining what I was attempting and why.

blin18 said:

@todski, its possible you think I'm cleverer than I really am.

I see your edits. I see it's different. But I haven't learned anything. Remember, I don't even know what poetry is. Is yours better or worse? I have no way of knowing, which is what brought me here.

Is it purely subjective? Or are there solid stylistic reasons behind those changes.

Click to expand...

I was going to offer a few suggestions as well, but got side tracked before I could get to it and now I'm side tracked again by your comments/question.

You can wiki poetry to get an answer on what poetry "is" but in answer to your question, yes, it is purely subjective. Poetry has many forms so it really comes down to feeling. If it feels more like poetry than prose to you, then it is. You've already gotten 3 (well, now 4 ) people (I'll admit to being a poet at least) telling you that they believe/accept the piece as poetry, and next comes the "good/bad" (and also very subjective) part.

You state that you haven't learned anything from how Todski edited the piece and I don't think that's true. If we didn't think it was any good we wouldn't offer suggestions/advice for making it better. That it sparked enough interest to evoke comments and suggestions is a good starting place for learning. Todski's "voice" is different than yours, his edits reflect his voice, that's a lesson. How you break your lines, the rhythm of your lines, the punctuation (or lack of), these all are part of the "voice" of a piece. If someone offers suggestions that don't fit your voice then they're easily dismissed, but the fact that they offered alternative words/line breaks is a sign that you should look at the line(s) again, read them aloud, do they flow easily, naturally? If they don't and you want them to, play with them until they do.
A lot of poetry is sound. Even if it's not a spoken word piece we all "hear" a piece when we read it and reading it aloud can show you where the natural breaks are, where there are bad repetitions, good repetitions, where sounds flow from one to the next and where they get jammed up.

Todski's edit showed you where he heard hiccups, where the piece didn't work for him. Even if you edit and make it flow in a way that works for you it may still not work for him because his "ear" is tuned differently.

If you're really interested in exploring poetry the best way to do it is to write it, then read it aloud, then edit, edit, edit. There are poets (and all the non-poets who commented earlier) here that have very poetic ears and who can offer suggestions for improvements. Figuring out why they made particular suggestions is where the learning happens. He's not around at the moment, but one Litster 1201 was an excellent critic, he knows more about poetry than I ever will and even when he explained the why I didn't understand. That was nearly a year ago and even though I cannot articulate what I've learned, his and other's comments have helped me learn so much about poetry. Editing, paying attention to the sounds, internal rhymes, the list goes on and on, but it all took time and practice, practice, practice... is that Carnegie Hall I see?

There are obviously people here willing to help you "learn" the real question is do you really want to? If you do, stick around, write, read and you'll learn.

Oh, and back to my suggestions, well other than what's already been said about punctuation, and reading it aloud to find natural line breaks, the line with "dancing" and "dance floor" feels unnecessarily repetitive. I suggest: twined, pressed or close, I like twined (or a synonym) best because I feel it goes with the later "single organism". Oh and I love the line "There's safety in the dance" brought to mind the song Safety Dance which plays into the piece.

Oh wow, there's a lot of stuff here, thank you.

Trixareforkids said:

You can wiki poetry to get an answer on what poetry "is" but in answer to your question, yes, it is purely subjective.

Click to expand...

Right, I Googled before I came here, and it seemed everyone had a different answer. In my world, we have "fiction" and "literature". The bar is set lower for fiction - everything qualifies. In poetry, (and this may just be my biased viewpoint) there's just the one word to rule them all, and people seem to set the bar where they see fit. Just because something is written in lines and verses, and can be read with a poetic cadence, doesn't seem to make it poetry. In my land of fiction, we'd let those folk in.

Trixareforkids said:

Poetry has many forms so it really comes down to feeling. If it feels more like poetry than prose to you, then it is. You've already gotten 3 (well, now 4 ) people (I'll admit to being a poet at least) telling you that they believe/accept the piece as poetry, and next comes the "good/bad" (and also very subjective) part.

Click to expand...

That's actually helpful - especially the first bit.

Trixareforkids said:

You state that you haven't learned anything from how Todski edited the piece and I don't think that's true. If we didn't think it was any good we wouldn't offer suggestions/advice for making it better. That it sparked enough interest to evoke comments and suggestions is a good starting place for learning. Todski's "voice" is different than yours, his edits reflect his voice, that's a lesson. How you break your lines, the rhythm of your lines, the punctuation (or lack of), these all are part of the "voice" of a piece. If someone offers suggestions that don't fit your voice then they're easily dismissed, but the fact that they offered alternative words/line breaks is a sign that you should look at the line(s) again, read them aloud, do they flow easily, naturally? If they don't and you want them to, play with them until they do.
A lot of poetry is sound. Even if it's not a spoken word piece we all "hear" a piece when we read it and reading it aloud can show you where the natural breaks are, where there are bad repetitions, good repetitions, where sounds flow from one to the next and where they get jammed up.

Todski's edit showed you where he heard hiccups, where the piece didn't work for him. Even if you edit and make it flow in a way that works for you it may still not work for him because his "ear" is tuned differently.

Click to expand...

Okay, so a lot of it IS subjective. Except maybe the punctuation. I don't understand that yet. I get how it works in prose. I understand what a full stop and a comma do for reading prose aloud. It seems line-ends and verses add to the timing mix, and their placement is actually more important than the punctuation.

Trixareforkids said:

There are obviously people here willing to help you "learn" the real question is do you really want to? If you do, stick around, write, read and you'll learn.

Click to expand...

Answer: maybe. This was just a collaboration experiment with an artist. The poetry caught me by surprise. It was only after I wrote it that I thought to break it up. I have no idea whether I want to write poetry, but I do like to try new forms of writing fiction. Recently, I've tried writing in the form of a diary, and as a radio-play. So I'll probably just keep trying stuff that seems interesting. I've already written to another piece of art by the same artist. It's even more prosey and less poetic than Jenna's Choice - and in paragraphs and sentences - so now I'm right back where I started, wondering if IT is poetry.

Trixareforkids said:

Oh, and back to my suggestions, well other than what's already been said about punctuation, and reading it aloud to find natural line breaks, the line with "dancing" and "dance floor" feels unnecessarily repetitive. I suggest: twined, pressed or close, I like twined (or a synonym) best because I feel it goes with the later "single organism". Oh and I love the line "There's safety in the dance" brought to mind the song Safety Dance which plays into the piece.

Click to expand...

I'll take a look at that, thank you. I saw another repetition in there as well that could probably sustain an edit.

Thank you so much for the explanation.

I like poetry, a lot! Writing it, reading it, talking about it, lol. So, your welcome and thank YOU.

Your comment about fiction and literature made me laugh. IMO, literature is fiction that is well liked over time. Poetry has it's subcategories just like fiction, there's Form poetry, Free Verse poetry, Spoken Word poetry, Slam poetry, Epic poetry, Prose poetry, Lyrics, and more that my tired brain has forgotten. My opinions on what makes a piece of writing Poetry are influenced by the poetry I enjoy reading; having rather varied tastes, my definition encompasses quite a lot. I've even "found" poetry in fiction and non-fiction writing when a paragraph or small section of a book has sounds that flow very well and could stand alone outside of the larger work.

Poetry is very inclusive or exclusive depending on who you're talking to. I'm of the inclusive camp. It's not that I won't say "that's not poetry!" It's just that I when I say it what I really mean is that I think it's crap, lol. I came here for fiction writing and the community of writers, but have found that the poetry writers are actually a more inclusive bunch. Sadly there's less of them and there seem to be cycles where they're either all posting (and there too much to digest) or none of them are. Damn life, getting in the way of poetry!

Experimenting is fun, I've begun doing some of that myself on collaborative site, playing with other people's ideas/creations, being inspired by other people's work and putting mine out there for others to play with. Yup, fun fun fun.

I hope you'll play with poetry some more in whatever form feels good to you. If nothing else it's a good way to practice editing, hone your skills at cutting away the unnecessary and establishing character voices. My fiction writing has benefitted as well from what I'm learning, making my dialog and internal monologues feel more authentic.

Poetry is getting to the heart of what needs to be said using a fraction of the wordage found in fiction. And in dealing with a lesser piece of writing, it is easier to focus on how to say it in various ways other than the usual spelling it out for the reader. You can also say it with rhythm. Symbolism. Repetition. Pauses. Because the reader is given the opportunity to be more interactive when it comes to absorbing and processing such condensed or consolidated information, you run a heightened risk of it being misinterpreted to the point of it all going to hell.

Like Trix mentioned, poetry is an exercise in both expanding and honing your story telling skills.

Magnetron said:

Poetry is getting to the heart of what needs to be said using a fraction of the wordage found in fiction. And in dealing with a lesser piece of writing, it is easier to focus on how to say it in various ways other than the usual spelling it out for the reader. You can also say it with rhythm. Symbolism. Repetition. Pauses. Because the reader is given the opportunity to be more interactive when it comes to absorbing and processing such condensed or consolidated information, you run a heightened risk of it being misinterpreted to the point of it all going to hell.

Like Trix mentioned, poetry is an exercise in both expanding and honing your story telling skills.

Click to expand...

This actually makes more sense than pretty much any definition I've heard before

This actually makes more sense than pretty much any definition I've heard before

Click to expand...

Most individual definitions of poetry are ego driven excuses to justify one's lack of craftsmanship.

Todski's trivial thoughts

Jenna's Choice


So hot
as a start line is a dictation on how you want it read but to me poetry should be felt not really dictated. Ok you need to guide the reader in an attempt to get your message across as clear as possible, however the reader needs room to invest in the piece. Too much clarity and directional dictation and I as a reader need to do less work and lose the feeling of the piece. Rather than state "So hot!" I thought a deal of subtlety to the start would help engender the feeling of a hot night club.

your key trigger words that lead this into eroticism are

Throbbing
Pounding
Hard
Tingle

With too much filler around them it felt too obscured.
Throbbing music to me suggested lots of base making
"All rhythm and no melody" seem redundant.
Remember all I did was a five min hack job of editing so my lines a just one example of the millions of ways this could be written. And as trip said and also part of a disclaimer I should have written, since this is all subjective then my hack job is my writing style/voice.
When I write a piece I try to force the reader to invest so much into it they have to finish the read. Never easy to do and I doubt I do it every write.

So hot!
Throbbing music,
All rhythm and no melody,
Pounding through me,
So hard that my fingers tingle.
---------------------------------------------------------------
this throbbing music
pounds so hard that my fingers tingle

To me my condensed lines say the same thing in fewer words which is part of poetry, however you the writer get the final say on how and what you say (duh todski) read both of them out loud and see where you stop and pause etc, five lines, pauses stops staccato with no "flow to the words" now drop the punctuation in yours and read it out loud using the end of line to run into the next.
-------------------------------------------------------
Noise to me felt redundant as you have set the reader in a night club let them invest whatever music they want, I was jiving to Timmy Trumpet in my head
the rest is pretty darn good. Although Hot seemed redundant, if your in a night club it's all about the sweat and heat, so instead of just stating hot you could try and show us the heat, I.e. A bead of sweat,
the glasses trickle their perspiration as opposed to dictation of Hot.
then we get back to the punctuation. Each line reads to me like a robotic single line single statement not running together smoothly. The imagery though is perfect as a former night club bouncer I was in the club.

Noise, flashing lights.
Hot, dancing bodies fill the dance floor,
Grinding together into a single organism,
Sleek and lithe and feline.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
lights flash
dancing bodies fill the dance floor,
grinding together
as a single organism

Organism is close to orgasm and helps keep this erotically charged. grinding together had to stay.

Sleek

lithe

feline.

now the idea of single word lines is to interrupt the read and try to inject natural pauses so each word can be spoken and highlighted now the "L" in each of these words forces the tongue onto the roof of the mouth, if you were to picture this woman mouthing them sexily really working the "L" sound
that is the sense I am aiming for. Whether it hits it's mark or not well that's up for debate. I believe though that a lot of poetry works on a subconscious level.
----------------------------------------------------------------
All of this information is crucial but I felt it need to be contrasted hers mine on each line to clarify and hammer the point home helping to implant the now homoeroticism/ lesibianism theme which by the way you paced perfectly each little reveal driving toward the conclusion and also one of the reasons magnetron answered

A club with no men: Jenna’s choice.
The vacation together; that was mine.
Barbados: Jenna. The Sapphire Hotel: me.

--------------------------------------------------------------
club with no men: Jenna’s choice.
The vacation together; that was mine.
Barbados: Jenna.
The Sapphire Hotel: me.
------------------------------------------------

To me you interrupt your flow with too much description
"Jenna's choice as well" is overly clarifying and to me redundant.

I know what she wants, now.
Maybe I always have

If we look at the lines above they are part of an interior monologue thoughts tend to mashtogether so perfect punctuation and forced stoppages to me interrupt your information. Put me, the reader in the head space

I know what she wants
maybe I always have

Read the two and see if you notice a difference?
You do a clever trick as writer here which helps direct a reader in a subtle and overt way, repeating the name Jenna like a mantra conveys the longing and helps charge the eroticism through the roof.

I chose the spa, facials,
And braids in our hair.
Brazillians for two? Our outfits?
I could never.
They were Jenna’s choice as well.
Wet, faux leather short-shorts,
And outerware bras,
Hers with breathtaking panels,
Cut into the side-swells.

I know what she wants, now.
Maybe I always have.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I chose the spa, facials,
braids in our hair.
Brazillians for two? Our outfits?
I could never
They were Jenna.

It’s Jenna’s choice next.

I know what she wants
maybe I always have

to me the write is now starting to narrow the focus, heading toward the climax of the poem looking at this I think now I was wrong to break the info up, maybe it should read,

It’s Jenna’s choice next
I know what she wants
maybe I always have

anyway throw things around try and take two steps to the side and try put it from a readers perspective.
-----------'---------------------------------------------
Only real difference in the opening lines, instead of punctuation I tried to use line breaks to give the same effect without having hard pauses in the write.
You have done something here that amps the eroticism up again. You nullify all the senses bar the tactile. Throbbing Pounding music and grinding touch hells yes!
each progression is a build up to this frantic sense of sexuality where nothing else matters bar the touch, much like sex itself when it is good nothing else matters not how we sound, not how we look just about how it all feels. I love the line

There's safety in the dance
It conveys real emotion that trepidation
the hesitation of do I, don't I, the way it's been left to Jenna by the narrator it is a line that says so much in its brevity. The next line giving in to the urges and saying fuck it I'm all in cards on the table.

I’m ready! I’m yours!
I could scream the words, but she wouldn’t hear.
There’s safety in the dance
But I can’t bear to be safe any longer.

Our senses overload.
Sight, smell, sound,
All are meaningless,
Inside the writhing beast.
There is only touch. Jenna’s touch.
A hip, an elbow, the points of her breasts brush across my back.
--------------------------------------------------
I’m ready
I’m yours
I could scream but she wouldn’t hear
There’s safety in the dance
But I can’t bear to be safe any longer.

Here I tried to pare my edit right back to the essentials narrow the focus down try to blot out all the other external goings on try to make it that moment in real life with out the explanation

Sight,*
smell,
sound,
all meaningless

There is only touch.*
Jenna’s touch.
A hip,*
an elbow,*
the points of her breasts brush my back.
------------------------------------------------------

The end is pure sexiness

I lift my braids to cool my neck,
And Jenna’s finger slides beneath my bra strap.
It’s your turn; your choice, Jenna.
God help me,
Choose while the answer is still yes.

I hope that helped out any way.

todski28 said:

I hope that helped out any way.

Click to expand...

Hell yes! I feel like I'm drinking from a fire hose. You've put a heck of a lot of info in here, and I won't takie it all in at one. This is going to be a bookmark job that I come back to.

I'm going to struggle with the brevity. I'm just in the process of releasing my first novel, so for six months now I've been cutting loose and letting words spray all over the place.

It will be a balancing act though. Some of the words you pared were quite deliberate, such as "I know what she wants, *now*". That you pared it in your version suggests that I missed the mark, but what I wanted to convey is a history of longing on Jenna's part, years of little signals that have gone ignored by the narrator, or have they? viz. "Maybe I always have"

You also paid a ton of compliments, Todski28. I find poetry quite confronting, so these kind words are very warming. Thank you.

And thank you for the public comment on NextDoorSecret's art too. The Erotic Art Hub on Lit is a pretty touch category - not much circulation and no top list. She has five comments, which is a pretty good outcome, but I wish her more. She's quite a talent, and the Hub is in desperate need of some.

blin18 said:

Hell yes! I feel like I'm drinking from a fire hose. You've put a heck of a lot of info in here, and I won't takie it all in at one. This is going to be a bookmark job that I come back to.

I'm going to struggle with the brevity. I'm just in the process of releasing my first novel, so for six months now I've been cutting loose and letting words spray all over the place.

It will be a balancing act though. Some of the words you pared were quite deliberate, such as "I know what she wants, *now*". That you pared it in your version suggests that I missed the mark, but what I wanted to convey is a history of longing on Jenna's part, years of little signals that have gone ignored by the narrator, or have they? viz. "Maybe I always have"

Click to expand...

I think I spent nine months or so lurking in this forum before I ever posted a thing. Didn't even know I might want to write a poem before I showed up here, in fact. If it's something that interests you, spend time reading some of the threads when you get the chance. There's a lot to learn in this forum, both from the poems themselves and the discussions of poetry.

Your poem also got my attention when I first read it, but I have been out of town and have had little time to really read and look at it, or I'd have tossed my two cents in as the other not-a-poets have in this thread.

As was mentioned, Todski's edits are from his voice and style, and they may not reflect your intention or what you feel you need to convey. In the case of "now", I don't feel you've missed the mark at all. To me, it does help give a better sense of the relationship. If I have the chance soon to really look at your poem, and the other suggestions here, I may have a few opinions of my own to share, just to confuse matters further.

Welcome to this side of Lit.

Lyricalli said:

I think I spent nine months or so lurking in this forum before I ever posted a thing. Didn't even know I might want to write a poem before I showed up here, in fact. If it's something that interests you, spend time reading some of the threads when you get the chance. There's a lot to learn in this forum, both from the poems themselves and the discussions of poetry.

Your poem also got my attention when I first read it, but I have been out of town and have had little time to really read and look at it, or I'd have tossed my two cents in as the other not-a-poets have in this thread.

As was mentioned, Todski's edits are from his voice and style, and they may not reflect your intention or what you feel you need to convey. In the case of "now", I don't feel you've missed the mark at all. To me, it does help give a better sense of the relationship. If I have the chance soon to really look at your poem, and the other suggestions here, I may have a few opinions of my own to share, just to confuse matters further.

Welcome to this side of Lit.

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Go for it, more opinions on the one piece are helpful for contrast.

blin18 said:

Go for it, more opinions on the one piece are helpful for contrast.

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This is my take on it, for what it's worth. You may notice that it incorporates some of the suggestions from the others, because I liked them and thought they made sense. Magnetron's suggestions for improving the rhyme, and Trix's suggestion for using "twined" (really liked that one) are both in here. Some of my line breaks are similar to tods'. I did notice one misspelling that you may want to correct in the submitted piece: outerware should be outerwear.


Throbbing music
pounds through me
so hard my fingers tingle
all rhythm, no melody

Lights flash
twined bodies fill the dance floor
grind together to form
a single organism
sleek, lithe
feline

A club with no men: Jenna's choice
The vacation together: that was mine
Barbados: Jenna
The Sapphire Hotel: me

I wanted the spa, a facial
braids in our hair
Brazillians for two? Our outfits?
I had never!
They were Jenna's choice as well

Wet, faux-leather short-shorts
outerwear bras
hers with a breathtaking panel
cut into each side-swell

Jenna's choice is next
I know what she wants now
maybe I always have

I'm ready!
I'm yours!
I could scream the words aloud
and she wouldn't hear
There's safety in the dance
but I can't bear safety any longer

Senses overload
sight
sound
smell
all meaningless
in the writhing beast

There is only touch
Jenna's touch
her hip, an elbow
The tips of her breasts
brush across my back

I lift my braids to cool my neck
Jenna's finger slides beneath my bra strap
It's your turn
Your choice, Jenna
God help me
Choose while my answer is still yes


Most of my changes are based on reading the piece aloud and the way I hear it. As another not-a-poet, my knowledge of the more technical aspect of poetry is lacking. I mostly write by ear. Given more time, I might continue to make some changes, but this reads fairly well for me.

Lyricalli said:

This is my take on it, for what it's worth.

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Holy cow! Yes, now I'm starting to get the picture. A very powerful edit, thank you. That affected me more than the other edit, and much more than my own.

I'd love to read your commentary on your choice of verse breaks and some of more tactical line breaks.

welcome to the forum looks like you're already getting to grips with the exchange of ideas with the writers here (omg the humility of some, lol) and think you'll do just fine

Ok, here's my attempt to make sense of the changes I made.


Throbbing music
pounds through me
so hard my fingers tingle
all rhythm, no melody


Lights flash
twined bodies fill the dance floor
grind together to form
a single organism
sleek, lithe
feline


A club with no men: Jenna's choice
The vacation together: that was mine
Barbados: Jenna
The Sapphire Hotel: me

I wanted the spa, a facial
braids in our hair
Brazillians for two? Our outfits?
I had never!
They were Jenna's choice as well

Wet, faux-leather short-shorts
outerwear bras
hers with a breathtaking panel
cut into each side-swell


Jenna's choice is next
I know what she wants now
maybe I always have

I'm ready!
I'm yours!
I could scream the words aloud
and she wouldn't hear
There's safety in the dance
but I can't bear safety any longer


Senses overload
sight
sound
smell
all meaningless
in the writhing beast


There is only touch
Jenna's touch
her hip, an elbow
The tips of her breasts
brush across my back

I lift my braids to cool my neck
Jenna's finger slides beneath my bra strap
It's your turn
Your choice, Jenna
God help me
Choose while my answer is still yes



If there was something I did that I didn't address or you still have questions, just let me know. I don't claim to know much aside from what I like and what feels right to me. It's interesting to really think through why I might like the way something feels or sounds.

Lyricalli said:

Ok, here's my attempt to make sense of the changes I made.

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When Sherlock Holmes pulled off a particularly stunning piece of deduction (like upon first meeting a stranger, announcing something like, 'I hope your brother is recovering well from his accident'), Watson or the stranger themselves would invariably beg him to explain his method. Holmes would acquiesce against his better judgement, and then explain the half dozen pieces that he put together. To which Watson would state, 'Oh yes, well, it is all rather simple'. This would inevitably leave Holmes fuming.

So, Lyricalli, I can offer no higher praise than:

Well, yes, when you explain it like that, it does seem so very straightforward.

The only thing I miss from the original is;
I could never ...

I meant it in a past tense (never have...), not future.
The ellipsis was supposed to stand for all of the things she could never have done.

I could never be so brave ...
I could never have done it on my own...
I could never have selected something so sexy...

Whatever the missing words implied by the ellipsis, they all end the same way.

... without Jenna.

My intent is to show the narrator as a slightly submissive character, who is a willing partner in the pursuit of fun - or maybe more - but needs a stronger friend to lead her.

I don't mind though. If it doesn't work the way I want it to, I'm not going to cry.

Thank you so much for sharing your abundant gift.

That goes for all of the other non poets here, too.

When all is said and done, it is your poem to be read as you intend it to be read. These are only suggestions.

If you are to stay the course, continue writing poetry - you will undoubtedly revisit your works again and again, tweaking this and that. Until they are ambered for all eternity in the final act of publishing, they are never truly finished.

So, don't be afraid to let a poem just be itself for a while. Unless you are faced with a deadline, it's not going anywhere. Neither are any suggestions. Time and acceptance will allow for the best possible version to prevail.

^^^ What he said.

If you prefer 'could' vs 'had', than that's what it should be. It is yours, after all, and our suggestions are only options to consider.