Double Blind 4 - Poems and Critiques Only

legerdemer said:

Oh, lordy, but you do go on, Mags.

I'm with gm on this, I think it does have that ballad feel to it - in fact, I would love to hear it recited, I think it would lend the poem a lot of atmosphere.

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Sounds like a job for Honey. Or Hairy Mary.

Thank you and Todski for having already commented on the revision at DUP.

Now, as far as critique goes on the not-so-rough-draft and the revision, there weren't much of it. There seemed to be more concern over who my target audience was than anything else. I began to rewrite anyway as soon as Calli posted it because I usually switch over to critique mode once other people are reading my work.

Then I lost my revision in a mishap and started another revision.

Champs mentioned a few areas of improvement ( that I didn't quite agree with ), but she did cause me to examine the beginning about the snow falling with quiet unease. Snow is rather quiet, but it also falls with ease. So I changed it to falling with disquieting ease.

Otherwise, it just needed polishing up, especially in the middle where I had begun to ramble on about the antagonist.

I was also fond of the phrase soaked in sun bleach, but it along with the beach bereft of tourists which were intended to rhyme had to be excised. Why? I'm asking a lot from the reader to stay focused with such a loooooong farking poem. So anything that isn't relevant to major snow storms, ESPECIALLY warm summery tidbits, must go.

AH, yes it is prosaic and perhaps prozac-ish. All the more incentive to watch the movie and breathe some life into particular references I plugged in. Wikipedia can only take you so far.

I invite you all to read more poems inspired by Stephen King stories. The link is in my signature. They are all in a constant state of revision, but I can assure you most aren't as collosal as this one.

Magnetron said:

I only say that because of those who can write for both teams. * cough *

And Katie J wrote one from the male perspective a little while back.

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I did consider that - can't wait to see who it's by.

Author Reveal

I think only two remain a mystery:


1) The Barfly Effect -Trixareforkids
2) A Tale of Little Tall Untold - Magnetron
3) Ballaban and Sons, Green Grocers - GuiltyPleasure
4) A Little Like LSD - todski28
5) Another Icarus? - legerdemer
7) Remembering Our Bubble -- a rispetto - AlwaysHungry


Drumroll please...

The award for the most-discussed mystery author goes to...

6) Time and Motion Study - greenmountaineer



Thanks again for participating, everyone! These challenges are always so much fun, even as an observer.

Lyricalli said:

Thanks again for participating, everyone! These challenges are always so much fun, even as an observer.

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Thank you so much for pulling double duty for us.

greenmountaineer said:

"A Tale of Little Tall Untold," I think, would have been a good ballad, particularly with the tweaking the poet did to make the narrative better understood, at least by me.

Unfortunately, ballads apparently don't hold the interest of poets much anymore. I think that's too bad, and if there were more written, I believe more would read poetry, including other formats.

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Sounds like a future challenge to me.

EDIT:

Then again, maybe not such a good idea.

Lyricalli said:

I think only two remain a mystery:


1) The Barfly Effect -Trixareforkids
2) A Tale of Little Tall Untold - Magnetron
3) Ballaban and Sons, Green Grocers - GuiltyPleasure
4) A Little Like LSD - todski28
5) Another Icarus? - legerdemer
7) Remembering Our Bubble -- a rispetto - AlwaysHungry


Drumroll please...

The award for the most-discussed mystery author goes to...

6) Time and Motion Study - greenmountaineer

Thanks again for participating, everyone! These challenges are always so much fun, even as an observer.

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Ha!! I'll be damned, great job confounding us, gm! Lovely - no more to add.

I was also completely confounded by GP's offering. But for a few teensy weensy details, I kept thinking it sounded like gm's - but not quite
so I never posted that guess.


My sincere thanks, Calli - you're the best.


(When all are ready for another one, I'd be happy to host. But we probably need to break it up a bit with a different sort of challenge.)

As I wrote Calli in the first submission, it was a very correctible result. I was trying to capture that moment when love makes time stand still.

Mer was right about the allusion to DuChamp's painting, "Nude Descending a Staircase." It was my initial inspiration, but in the end it was more inspired by X. J. Kenney's beautiful poem:

Nude Descending a Staircase

Toe after toe, a snowing flesh,
a gold of lemon, root and rind,
she sifts in sunlight down the stairs
with nothing on. Nor on her mind.

We spy beneath the banister
a constant thresh of thigh on thigh;
her lips imprint the swinging air
that parts to let her parts go by.

One-woman waterfall, she wears
her slow descent like a long cape
and pausing on the final stair,
collects her motions into shape.

However, the real inspiration (I can write this on Lit) was my beautiful sexy soon to be 61 year old wife.

greenmountaineer said:

As I wrote Calli in the first submission, it was a very correctible result. I was trying to capture that moment when love makes time stand still.

Mer was right about the allusion to DuChamp's painting, "Nude Descending a Staircase." It was my initial inspiration, but in the end it was more inspired by X. J. Kenney's beautiful poem:

Nude Descending a Staircase

Toe after toe, a snowing flesh,
a gold of lemon, root and rind,
she sifts in sunlight down the stairs
with nothing on. Nor on her mind.

We spy beneath the banister
a constant thresh of thigh on thigh;
her lips imprint the swinging air
that parts to let her parts go by.

One-woman waterfall, she wears
her slow descent like a long cape
and pausing on the final stair,
collects her motions into shape.

However, the real inspiration (I can write this on Lit) was my beautiful sexy soon to be 61 year old wife.

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Thanks for posting this - I don't know the poet or the poem, which is indeed a beautiful one.

And may I say that, 5 years from now, I hope to inspire the same kind of devotion and appreciation that you show your wife?

A belated thanks for hosting this, Calli. I always learn a thing or two from these challenges.

greenmountaineer said:

A belated thanks for hosting this, Calli. I always learn a thing or two from these challenges.

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Ditto.

A little like lsd

Two drops disolve on my tongue
like licking batteries
the party in my mouth spreads

the sky is starry night
we grip each other
her jacket feels like sex

there's a dragon between her teeth
its coal-glow brightens
plumes of smoke and decadence
spill from her lips
converging in a storm

her tongue flickers
tasting vibrations in the air
she hisses in
exhales twisting ropes of lust
I breathe out
she dances in my mouth
devouring my awe
beckoning the belt buckle at my waist
to fall away

we defy gravity
in flash-blur-swirls
she wraps around me
as real as dreams that
hide within hallucination

a writhing mass of shifting shadows
flashing blurry brilliance
behind my retinas
the air a cacophony
of gasping breaths

we are lycanthropic
and vampiric
existing on aura's sustenance
feeding off sensation
striving to be lost in those little deaths

buried in this primordial
moment
of strobe light effect

I am affected
by her pliable warmth
her willingness to devour
all I offer

as slick as oils
fragranced in skin and salt

mornings come down
awakens to alarm
and
we await the night
restless as the bulge in my zipper
the heat in her cunt