How to tell a friend her pants are hideous

I have a dear friend who has made a huge mistake. She purchased these pants that are fucking hideous. When I say fucking hideous, I'm being polite.

I'll describe them for you. They are half mom jean, half Molly Ringwald, half sweatpant. But 100% fugly. They have elastic for fuck's sake!

These are the pants. Oh my god I hate even posting them for fear someone would ever associate me with these.



I'll attack these point by point:

1. They have an elastic waistband. Yes. Elastic. Waistband. No, she's not pregnant. In fact, her body is hotter than the devil's taint. But she puts that beautiful body into these.

2. A drawstring. It's a metaphor, I'm certain. It's like thing the noose for all things decent and fashionable. Other than gym shorts and hoodies, I can't think of another use for a drawstring.

3. Built in camel toe. Enough said.

4. The inability to make them the proper length. They aren't capris. They aren't jeans. They're high waters. And hideous ones at that.

5. Elastic around the ankles. This is for... ??????? Perhaps they know that whoever wears these has given up on trying to look presentable. They know that it's only a matter of time before they have retired to the couch, eating chocolates and watching daytime talk shows. They have anticipated the swelling of the ankles and have prepared for it.

6. This is conjecture, but I think there must be a board of some sort in the arse of the pants to flatten it out.

I want her to know that it's not time to give up on life and that's exactly what these hideous creatures are. She claims they are comfortable. I wouldn't care if those things had a built in cunnilingus machine that felt like the tongues of 1,000 lesbians. There is no excuse for wearing this.

I need her to know that I love her in spite of these horrible choices. But I need to find a way to help her get out of these pants and wear something normal people would wear.

I'm also a bit concerned about the crowd with which she associates. She said she sees people wearing them all the time. This makes me so sad. Why would she hang around people with such odd taste? I have a feeling this crowd is going to drag her down like a 9th grade pothead. These pants are a gateway faux pas. First it's this. Then she will be wearing TOMS and soon she will be dressed like... I can't even say it. I fear she could become a hipster.

Help!!!!!

lol @ "anticipated the swelling in the ankles…"

I'll admit that the pants are not something I would wear.. especially not with leopard print haircalf flats.. but leave Rainshine alone.

Besides, you already admitted that you look at boobs. The pants sit below the boobs. (for most women)

JtohisPB said:

What's wrong with Toms???

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Hahaha. Oh it's mostly the whole package that comes along WITH the TOMS. The skinny jeans on guys who shouldn't wear skinny jeans. The My Little Pony ironic t-shirt. The unwashed hair. The lumberjack beard on a guy named Stephan (pronounced stef-ON). The fedora.

You are perfectly okay to wear TOMS. Just don't do any of the other stuff.

Plus, those things are uncomfortable as hell. It's like stapling some tissue to a piece of wood.

You know how TOMS donates a pair of shoes to a poor kid for every pair purchased? I have a plan for shoes called PMANNs. For every pair purchased (Retail $349), I'll steal a pair of TOMS off a hipster.

GiggLeGasm said:

lol @ "anticipated the swelling in the ankles…"

I'll admit that the pants are not something I would wear.. especially not with leopard print haircalf flats.. but leave Rainshine alone.

Besides, you already admitted that you look at boobs. The pants sit below the boobs. (for most women)

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I never said it was Rainshine. Let's just say it's a denim vested Aussie to whom I referred. We will leave it at that.

And I'm glad that you wouldn't wear those. It shows that you have good vision. This girl just recently got new glasses and I can only imagine that it has fucked with her vision so badly she can't understand how awful these are because she can't see them properly.

I do look at her boobs. Rainshine is sexy as hell. But that doesn't mean that I don't look at her arse too. How can I admire her arse in those!?!? Or her pretty little legs?!

It bothers me that fedoras are associated with hipsters these days. My husband has been wearing fedoras for more than 10 years. He looks great in them. It's incredibly sexy when he comes home from work wearing one of his hats with his sleeves rolled up and his tie loose.

(@￣ρ￣@)

:ahem:

Just tell your friend her camel toe looks fat and she should try a different pair of pants. I'd be a little miffed if someone who cared about me didn't tell me when I looked a mess.

MeekMe said:

It bothers me that fedoras are associated with hipsters these days. My husband has been wearing fedoras for more than 10 years. He looks great in them. It's incredibly sexy when he comes home from work wearing one of his hats with his sleeves rolled up and his tie loose.

(@￣ρ￣@)

:ahem:

Just tell your friend her camel toe looks fat and she should try a different pair of pants. I'd be a little miffed if someone who cared about me didn't tell me when I looked a mess.

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Oh this little Aussie is so proud of these pants. She specifically posted a pic on Facebook so I would see this act of fashion terrorism. I told her they looked awful and she laughed, as if mocking all that is holy.

It is sad that hipsters have ruined things. I mean, beards are pretty cool, right? Well, hipsters are wearing them out.

Your pants are hideous!!

pmann said:

Oh this little Aussie is so proud of these pants. She specifically posted a pic on Facebook so I would see this act of fashion terrorism. I told her they looked awful and she laughed, as if mocking all that is holy.

It is sad that hipsters have ruined things. I mean, beards are pretty cool, right? Well, hipsters are wearing them out.

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Lol, in that case it'll be a "what was I thinking?" moment in the photo album. (^.^) I've got a few of those.

A well groomed beard is pretty cool.

Here's how you tell her....

"Wow those pants make you ass look fat!"

Guaranteed she will never wear them again. Guaranteed!

When someone asks about what do you think of this? My first thought is a line from Liar, Liar.

"Whatever takes the focus off of your hair"

Hipsters...jeez talk about the type of person who makes me think about wanting to kick someone's ass. Totally annoying and despite their attempt at "hip" falling right into line as lemmings trying not to be lemmings.

The pants...well, I have to say they don't look that bad. Nothing I'd want to see my wife in, but there have been far lamer trends.

If she's short they won't be high waters.

Aquagal said:

If she's short they won't be high waters.

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My wife claims she is 5'1" she claims to that inch that does not exist. She wears pants that are meant as capri as regular pants all the time.

lovecraft68 said:

My wife claims she is 5'1" she claims to that inch that does not exist. She wears pants that are meant as capri as regular pants all the time.

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I so know that! Regular pants drag under my shoes.

Trying to think if I have any drawstring pants.

Yes, I do! They're more like drawstring on the ankle though, kinda cargo pants. Like this.

gateway faux pas

Curiouscouple8 said:

Your pants are hideous!!

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Hahaha. Thank you. A fellow southeasterner to help speak some sense!!!

Best post ever.

You look shocking, dear. Have you been through my rag bag again?...

JtohisPB said:

Having observed said photo, I stand by my original statement. Plus, her shoes are super cute!

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She's hot. I don't deny it at all. Not one bit.

The pants are fugly.

JtohisPB said:

One: Toms are super comfortable. You are wrong and your Pmann's are ridiculously overpriced!

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For the record, my Pmann's are the finest made shoes all around and they are a steal at $349. They are made from the rarest of materials and with the finest craftsmanship.

First, we start off with the finest cobblers around. Then, we source the most elegant materials. I recommend the Pmann wingtips, which are made from the foreskin of a dodo bird. It's so rare it's called a threeskin. Some of the captoes and oxfords are made from whale foreskin. Great shoes and you would be so lucky to own a pair!!!

TOMS are to comfort what ISIS is to freedom. I saw them and always wondered about them. Like, why are people wearing those. Then I realized, they must be comfortable, as that was the only explanation. Then, I saw one pair on a clearance rack at a store one day, where they belonged. I took them and snuck over into a dark corner where no one could see me. I tried them on. Fuck. They have the support of an alcoholic father. It's like a cork plank with some cloth wrapped around the top. My feet literally screamed at me and told me to get my loafers back on and never do that again or they would curse me with hangnails until the day I die.

Thanks for the laughs. There is too little humor around here and I was starting to wonder if anyone appreciated it when there is.

I personally don't see anything wrong with those pants. They look like they'd be easy to remove in a hurry, which is the main thing I would be interested in.

If you want to talk about ugly pants, how about this?

https://encrypted-tbn2.***********/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQfNFuvqCExhz8dpponUdpD-l4nhyT06S2lRf1jq3oBAri6uCO-PQ

I can only imagine the sack-like affair in the crotch is for people who are incontinent or are worried about premature delivery of a large infant.

Although I suppose one could store useful items in there. Like maybe a microwave oven.

jacktar48 said:

Thanks for the laughs. There is too little humor around here and I was starting to wonder if anyone appreciated it when there is.

I personally don't see anything wrong with those pants. They look like they'd be easy to remove in a hurry, which is the main thing I would be interested in.

If you want to talk about ugly pants, how about this?

https://encrypted-tbn2.***********/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQfNFuvqCExhz8dpponUdpD-l4nhyT06S2lRf1jq3oBAri6uCO-PQ

I can only imagine the sack-like affair in the crotch is for people who are incontinent or are worried about premature delivery of a large infant.

Although I suppose one could store useful items in there. Like maybe a microwave oven.

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Personally, I do believe they were designed for suicide bombers with back problems...

basic_desires said:

Personally, I do believe they were designed for suicide bombers with back problems...

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That did occur to me. Many law-enforcement officials are reluctant to thoroughly probe the groinal areas. A clear opportunity for "hiding things in plain sight" here.

jacktar48 said:

That did occur to me. Many law-enforcement officials are reluctant to thoroughly probe the groinal areas. A clear opportunity for "hiding things in plain sight" here.

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Unfortunately the uptake rate among the terrorist society was rather low as they realised they would curtail their chances of procreating the next generation...

basic_desires said:

Unfortunately the uptake rate among the terrorist society was rather low as they realised they would curtail their chances of procreating the next generation...

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Radical fashion statements are always a gamble.