Voyages:
- Thread starter HarryHill
- Start date
HarryHill
Hairy fucker
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made it red just for you
* I write my notes as I read
- Why didn't you include a direct link? http://www.literotica.com/s/voyages-ch-01 Seriously, why?
- Tagline: Welcome to the Starship 'Hoochie Mama'. Sounds like a story of a fantasy frat party situated in an opulent spaceship, is this what you were aiming for?
-
- Is this really a story in space? Or is this a crazy space dream of someone in the 90s? Ford Explorer, Coffee, VacFiber(tm) and et cetera. I am not asking for false exoticism in your writing (a space vacuum cleaner doesn't need to be thingy-mabobt). I am asking you to stop brand labeling your world without giving us descriptions (read as:reader understanding).
- An omniscient computer? Sigh.
- I didn't finish reading. Sorry, but I was busy.
- Why didn't you include a direct link? http://www.literotica.com/s/voyages-ch-01 Seriously, why?
- Tagline: Welcome to the Starship 'Hoochie Mama'. Sounds like a story of a fantasy frat party situated in an opulent spaceship, is this what you were aiming for?
-
Really? You are clearly capable of writing imagination inducing descriptions, so why do you keep taking these shortcuts?
- Is this really a story in space? Or is this a crazy space dream of someone in the 90s? Ford Explorer, Coffee, VacFiber(tm) and et cetera. I am not asking for false exoticism in your writing (a space vacuum cleaner doesn't need to be thingy-mabobt). I am asking you to stop brand labeling your world without giving us descriptions (read as:reader understanding).
- An omniscient computer? Sigh.
- I didn't finish reading. Sorry, but I was busy.
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
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Anyone, like me, who has sig lines turned off, isn't going to see the link no matter what color you made it, if you put it in your sig line. No link shows in my view.
Hypoxia
doesn't watch television
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I have .sig. lines turned on and I still see nothing. Only visible link in his .sig. is to I AM NOT A POET. So, not a scriptor, either.
Sammael Bard
Suit Up
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The link to the story: http://www.literotica.com/s/voyages-ch-01
Unless I seemed to have missed something, I didn't get a lot of things that were happening in the beginning of your story. Too many things happening at the same time, too many characters/things jumped out at me. At the end of the first page, I was confused. (Maybe it was a part of the larger story?
)
I like your writing style and the bit of humour that you've injected in your writings. I got the hang of it by the time I was finished. It was a decent job.
After reading this, I AM intrigued by your other stories and would love to read them sometime later.
Good luck with your story!
Bard.
Unless I seemed to have missed something, I didn't get a lot of things that were happening in the beginning of your story. Too many things happening at the same time, too many characters/things jumped out at me. At the end of the first page, I was confused. (Maybe it was a part of the larger story?
)I like your writing style and the bit of humour that you've injected in your writings. I got the hang of it by the time I was finished. It was a decent job.
After reading this, I AM intrigued by your other stories and would love to read them sometime later.
Good luck with your story!
Bard.
robertreams
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At the beginning, you seemed to be writing merely to test how artful you could be, then beautiful writing disappeared to a sort of tongue-in-cheek quasi-comedic, National Lampoon treatment. How about scattering some of that magnificent prose throughout the story and stay stay from "cute". I probably would have read the rest but it started to feel very derivative. Perhaps I merely haven't the patience any more.
HarryHill
Hairy fucker
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All right which one of you broke the thread? :caning:
thanks for whoever posted the link I'll make it easier...
VOYAGES I
...for any of you that can't find the scifi portal
..
Now what, frat party in space, National Lampoon, well damn this is a porn site
VacFiber(tm) any chemist reading and not rushing to the lab to discover how this is possible is missing a good bet, and SALLY's not omniscient... was that the word, she/it is simply a slutty computer that runs the ship that happens to be self aware. not all knowing
thanks for whoever posted the link I'll make it easier...
VOYAGES I
...for any of you that can't find the scifi portal
..
Now what, frat party in space, National Lampoon, well damn this is a porn site
VacFiber(tm) any chemist reading and not rushing to the lab to discover how this is possible is missing a good bet, and SALLY's not omniscient... was that the word, she/it is simply a slutty computer that runs the ship that happens to be self aware. not all knowing
CWatson
Not in a band.
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You shouldn't need to defend yourself here. All that information should be in the story. If it isn't, well, that's part of your problem.
Your next is that you're starting too many plot threads. We begin with your frame story about how this is after the war; then we go to the frame story about how these people are looking for the Littopians of whatever; and THEN we have Capt. Harry Whateverhisface, running the life form scan without the help of any other characters. By now, I'm bored. You have too many dangling threads and not enough answers. You've recognized that in science-fiction, it's smart to withhold some explanations and keep The Reader curious. The problem is that you've gone overboard on that idea. I don't know who the Littopians are, I don't know why Captain Harry wants to find them, I don't know what wiper drive is, I don't know who the other alien races are (turians? Klingon? Minbari? Necrons? Formics? Wookiees?) or why xenocide was considered necessary... And instead of answering ANY of these questions you introduce me to a litany of clichéd stereotypes: sobbing drunkard, idiot, Asian martial-arts girl (a threefer token minority!).
And that's when I hit the [Back] button.
I don't trust you as a writer. You don't seem to know where the heart of your story lies. You can't keep me interested in your core premise (and don't tell me it's because I'm lacking in patience unless you too have slogged through all 12,000 pages of The Wheel of Time). Your characters are boring. I didn't even need to get to that immature nonsense about Planet Asshole and the Rectum Nebula--I don't trust you to tell this story well. And when I can buy things like Dune or go over to Nick Scipio's site for free, your work is a waste of my time.
You keep doing and writing whatever makes you happy. I'm not your audiencd, but that doesn't mean your audience doesn't exist. In fact, the feedback left on your story suggests that it does. So keep writing. But speaking only for myself, I'm steering clear of your planet of assholes.
Your next is that you're starting too many plot threads. We begin with your frame story about how this is after the war; then we go to the frame story about how these people are looking for the Littopians of whatever; and THEN we have Capt. Harry Whateverhisface, running the life form scan without the help of any other characters. By now, I'm bored. You have too many dangling threads and not enough answers. You've recognized that in science-fiction, it's smart to withhold some explanations and keep The Reader curious. The problem is that you've gone overboard on that idea. I don't know who the Littopians are, I don't know why Captain Harry wants to find them, I don't know what wiper drive is, I don't know who the other alien races are (turians? Klingon? Minbari? Necrons? Formics? Wookiees?) or why xenocide was considered necessary... And instead of answering ANY of these questions you introduce me to a litany of clichéd stereotypes: sobbing drunkard, idiot, Asian martial-arts girl (a threefer token minority!).
And that's when I hit the [Back] button.
I don't trust you as a writer. You don't seem to know where the heart of your story lies. You can't keep me interested in your core premise (and don't tell me it's because I'm lacking in patience unless you too have slogged through all 12,000 pages of The Wheel of Time). Your characters are boring. I didn't even need to get to that immature nonsense about Planet Asshole and the Rectum Nebula--I don't trust you to tell this story well. And when I can buy things like Dune or go over to Nick Scipio's site for free, your work is a waste of my time.
You keep doing and writing whatever makes you happy. I'm not your audiencd, but that doesn't mean your audience doesn't exist. In fact, the feedback left on your story suggests that it does. So keep writing. But speaking only for myself, I'm steering clear of your planet of assholes.
HarryHill
Hairy fucker
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It's a farce. and I think you'd make a fine inhabitant of the planet.
and I don't know why I bothered replying
because responding to your comment is definitely a waste of mine.
GoldenCojones
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I love "The Wheel of Time" series. Robert Jordan was an incredible writer. But I didn't make it past the first paragraph of this story. Sorry. I didn't read enough to give insightful feedback. It just didn't turn my crank from the very start.
Don't sink to that level, you can become better for it.
At least for CWatson your "farce" didn't work as intended. I agree except I won't be petulant about it.
Zeb_Carter
.-- - ..-.
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I saw the tag line and that was it for me. Sorry. Good luck in the future.
HarryHill
Hairy fucker
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HarryHill
Hairy fucker
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See no reason to block you. opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one.
The 'Hoochie Mama was fired on soon as it landed in Asshole space;
are you seeing a parallel?
butters
High on a Hill
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clearly you can write well enough to engage an audience, Harry, as the red H on every single other piece of your prose fiction testifies.
how people miss the farce aspect of this and ask questions like 'what is littopia?' is beyond me. it's no stretch to connect that with the site name, the sexual content as a nod to lit's nature as a site, nor the assholians from the planet rectum with those who appear to live up their own. (and then there's the legendary reputation of the General Board )
all those trademark symbols link directly to the author's note before the tale opens, and i do believe this was written very much tongue-in-cheek in places: for example, reading some of your characters had me visualising certain members of the poetry forum playing their parts. perhaps it's my familiarity with your Chosen Mate story, individuals from several forums here at lit, and the understanding of this being something of a christmas special aiming for humour rather than deadly-serious on-point sci-fi, that allows me to read and appreciate it. of course, if you placed it under sci-fi rather than sci-fantasy (is there that option?), perhaps that's why some are responding the way they are
Hoochie-Mama? love it.
how people miss the farce aspect of this and ask questions like 'what is littopia?' is beyond me. it's no stretch to connect that with the site name, the sexual content as a nod to lit's nature as a site, nor the assholians from the planet rectum with those who appear to live up their own. (and then there's the legendary reputation of the General Board
)all those trademark symbols link directly to the author's note before the tale opens, and i do believe this was written very much tongue-in-cheek in places: for example, reading some of your characters had me visualising certain members of the poetry forum playing their parts. perhaps it's my familiarity with your Chosen Mate story, individuals from several forums here at lit, and the understanding of this being something of a christmas special aiming for humour rather than deadly-serious on-point sci-fi, that allows me to read and appreciate it. of course, if you placed it under sci-fi rather than sci-fantasy (is there that option?), perhaps that's why some are responding the way they are
Hoochie-Mama? love it.
HarryHill
Hairy fucker
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clearly you can write well enough to engage an audience, Harry, as the red H on every single other piece of your prose fiction testifies.
how people miss the farce aspect of this and ask questions like 'what is littopia?' is beyond me. it's no stretch to connect that with the site name, the sexual content as a nod to lit's nature as a site, nor the assholians from the planet rectum with those who appear to live up their own. (and then there's the legendary reputation of the General Board
all those trademark symbols link directly to the author's note before the tale opens, and i do believe this was written very much tongue-in-cheek in places: for example, reading some of your characters had me visualising certain members of the poetry forum playing their parts. perhaps it's my familiarity with your Chosen Mate story, individuals from several forums here at lit, and the understanding of this being something of a christmas special aiming for humour rather than deadly-serious on-point sci-fi, that allows me to read and appreciate it. of course, if you placed it under sci-fi rather than sci-fantasy (is there that option?), perhaps that's why some are responding the way they are
Hoochie-Mama? love it.
Well, there's really some room for expanding the categories. I've said more than once that the site needs a Military section where two (or more) horney comrades can screw while waiting for the next assault on some Thorium rich planet. (scifi/mil) or mayhap (historical/mil) something written in the view of a camp follower. Ie:
"Me and Debbie musta screwed a hundred Johnnies and as many Tom, Richard's, and Harry's before the sun came up like blood that first day. Guess they wanted to use it one more time before the chance of getting it shot off. No one showed up at the wagon that night, which was just as well; we were both too sore to walk, much less fuck."
So, something to think about, and yes, it was a xmas prezzie written in 10 days or less, and yes, there's more coming but not as fast
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